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Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

2 months ago

This is how it works:

Recommending a comment for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a tag change for a storygame (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for a change in maturity level or difficulty level (1 point for each)
Recommending a storygame for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing (1 point)
Recommending a comment for deletion (1 point)

To get points for recommending something, I have to agree with you and newly created storygames are not eligible point earners.  

Three Most Important Things when recommending anything:

1. Reply to THIS thread to THIS post

2. A hyperlink to the storygame

3. Number ALL your suggestions

Recommending a comment for featuring:

- The story should at least have a rating of 3.0

- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
- If there are already 3 featured comments on the storygame, you also have to let me know whose comment you think should be replaced.
- If I agree, you will get 1 point and the person whose comment is featured will automatically get 2 points. If you are recommending your own comment, you don't get the extra point. (You’re already getting Commendation points as well!)

Recommending a comment for deletion:

- The comment that you think deserves deletion (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)

Examples of what to suggest

Spammy punctuation and lettering: Nice Job!!!!!!! or NOOOOOOO!!!!! I DIIIIIIED!

Short comments that don’t address the story content directly or clearly: “Wow” “Poop” "I won!" “Hi” “:)”

If someone says something like “Nice”, "Cool", "It sucks" or “Bad” we can leave it.

Obviously long comments that don’t do this either are also up for deletion, but it’s usually easier to see since they're probably rambling on about a Nigerian Prince or something similar so there shouldn’t be too much of an issue with ambiguity.

Incomprehensible comments: “sfekrbnmdse”

Duplicate comment: Self explanatory.

Flaming the Author: Honestly, I’m actually all for flaming the author if their story was bad enough, but I understand most of you don’t thrive off pure hatred for some strange reason. So if someone is just calling the author names, it can go.

Note: Do not recommend comments on EndMaster stories for deletion or featuring. He usually monitors his stories’ comments anyway.

Recommending a tag change for a storygame

- All of the tags you believe the story should have

Recommending a category change for a storygame

- The category you believe it should be in
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a change in maturity or difficulty level for a storygame

- The change you think should be made
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a storygame for featuring

 - A short rationale for why

Recommending a forum thread for deletion

- A short rationale for why

Recommending a storygame for unpublishing

- A short explanation of why [specifically, you must describe how it fails to meet minimum site standards]

  • After receiving at least 10 ratings and being published for at least 3 days, the storygame is rated 2.4 or less. (Though this is flexible if it's particularly bad and still in the 2.5-2.9 range)
  • The storygame has all of the following characteristics:
    • Grammar and style poor enough that it cannot be ignored
    • A plot which is poor or nonexistent
    • Poor pacing (usually characterized by frequent and unpredictable end game links)
    • A lack of important decisions
    • Unbelievable or overly cliched dialogue (if dialogue is present in the story)
  • The storygame has "dead" pages- pages with no links or way to proceed.
  • The storygame's central concept is pornographic in nature
  • The storygame is not a storygame and is instead intended to fulfill a goal such as communicating with another member (including all inside jokes) or advertising a product.
  • The storygame is explicitly described by the author as a "troll" game, or intentionally poor quality.
  • Any unfinished story.
    • What qualifies a story as "unfinished?"

1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo."

2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later.

Games that say they are the first in a series are not automatically considered "unfinished." As long as the game itself is complete, even if the author never returned to write a sequel, it is not up for unpublishing.

If you don't follow protocol, there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points. Following protocol expedites the process.

To summarize: post here (for the most part) with recommendations for who I should reward / what I should change and I'll reward you with points. 

Take a second to check the posts above you and see if someone else has already made the recommendation. Remember, newly created Storygames are not eligible for tag/category/comment points.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

2 months ago

Was time for a new one.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

2 months ago
A good title.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

2 months ago

(My) Comment for Featuring:

I read (and commented) on this storygame two weeks ago, but my mind keeps on coming back to it. The reason may not be what the author expects, for I absolutely love the narrative delivery especially for a shorter storygame. 

Initially, the driver of the plot is the reason for the two's isolation. I wanted to know what happened and why it happened. It seemed to be a pretty standard occurrence. In the town, I was confronted with memories from a time long ago that were both sweet and bitter for the protagonist. I started piecing together the plot in what felt to be a very organic manner. 

That is what I liked about this storygame so much. I was just wandering around a town looking for some supplies, but it used non-linear narration to fuel my desire to continue reading. I could feel the loneliness and the cold (both in the literal and metaphorical sense). Never once did I find anything that seemed forced upon by the author. 

As for improvements, I can't point out much. There's no grammar or spelling error (an easy way for me to normally criticize). There's no plot-points that make no sense or "lol random" moments. Heck, there's no instance where I slogged my way through a section that drug on for too long. I can't even criticize it for being linear, for I do have choice as the reader along with not being shoehorned into a path. 

Anyway, this is a great storygame that might even be worthy of a featured position.

-- WouldntItBeNice on 11/18/2017 12:07:02 PM with a score of 0

<><><><><><><><>
I know a mod would see this soon enough, but I also wanted to be the first one to become featured from this thread.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

2 months ago
Just saw this and yes, feature it pls. Awesome feedback, thanks. I've had interactive fiction on the brain and 'exploring an area at your own pace and piecing a story together' is a major part of the play experience there and one I've experimented with emulating in a CYOA at various times. This one being a shorter game just meant I was actually able to complete it but there's more I'd like to do with that basic concept if I can ever solve my attention span problems.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

2 months ago

I'd be very glad if you made another using this format. (Obviously) I found it wonderful.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

2 months ago
Here, give me some points regarding this amazing Mario quiz that everyone should play and feature these since it has none:

That was a very long quiz, but the questions were certainly very obscure. I had thought the questions would cover a wider range of Mario games; almost all of the games that were asked questions of in this quiz were newer ones that I haven't ever played. I don't know how anyone is supposed to remember the number of blocks of memory a game takes anyway. There was a lot of random guessing involved in this for me, and there were a few pages where no answers (only two of three links saying "Question 'x'") or only one answer. But I can appreciate the amoung of effort put into this. -- Sir_Lancegalawain on 6/2/2007 4:02:42 PM with a score of 48



My dude these were far, far too many questions to click through, and I have no idea how many I even got right. (Probably very few as I started rapidly, blindly clicking about ten questions in.)

I didn't see any sign the answers chosen were being tracked in any way, although looking at the scores it appears they must have been. But again, zero feedback on any of it.

Is the losing 'lol the quiz didn't matter' ending mandatory? More effort was put into this than in a lot of quizes I've seen here to be sure, but I feel like asking maybe, 25 questions with more responsiveness and endings and things actually happening would have improved this quite a bit. More proofreading was needed as well. You were very fast and loose with the whole concept of capitalizing names, mixing up their and there, etc. -- mizal on 11/17/2017 11:05:39 PM with a score of 37

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Recommending a storygame for deletion:  

Try to be a Basketball Star 

Reasoning: Game is very likely to cause those who reads it physical discomfort. I also think that this story may just have the lowest rating out of the currently published games. You're free to experience it yourself if you would like to immerse yourself in the feeling that many felt upon reaching the end of this story. 

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

yes, please delete that. How is it even still up when it has only a 1.82

1.23 now

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago
But it's been rated 8/8 eleven times, it must be good.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Pffft and my unfinished, not even a storygame has 16 8/8's. Can I have a reward for my exemplary writing? xD

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Comments for Featuring:

Doctor Who Fanfiction

Well your story was legible and coherent, so that's something. However it was also stolen straight from the the show. Using elements of the show or even rewriting scenes so they happen differently can make great fanfiction, but all you did was rewrite a couple scenes with a new character. This character didn't even add anything to these scenes or change them in anyway. They were completely unnecessary to the plot. 

The narration was extremely boring. The pacing was rushed, there was little details and moments went by far to fast. When I'm reading all I see is what you show me. Describe the scenery, let character's actions and moments help bring them to life. Also, paragraphs! Use them. 

There is also the issue of your choices. There weren't really any. Every page only had two choices, one where I lived, one where I died. It made the plot completely linear and boring. And then when I did die you wouldn't even let me end the game. Every death page only had the option of returning to the previous page. If you're going to have death pages let people die. If they want to keep playing there's a go back button for that. 

In the future if you want to write a fanfic, please come up with a semi-original plot for the characters to do. With Doctor Who you have all of time and space to explore. Why don't travel with your favorite doctor to your favorite time period and save the day? Or use your imagination and you can create any possible world or future. It's all up to you, but don't just write a narrative of the show's plot. 
-- Dottie_Snark on 3/29/2017 3:53:43 PM

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago
Oh I remember her. One of those rare newbs with immediate potential. Doesn't look like she's been around in awhile though.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Yeah :(
Was pretty interested in those storygames, to be honest.

Also on that note, this comment should be featured too..

----------------------------------------------------------

The Unwritten Jedi

On a structural level the writing in this storygame is actually pretty good. For example, you have good grammar and sentence structure. You didn't use much detail but what you did use painted a nice picture in my mind. You also have a pretty okay understand of the understanding of the Star Wars universe, which is important when writing fanfiction. Using a two-manned starship to transport the master and padawan, such as a Y-Wing, was a nice detail. The only thing that stuck out was the Gungan speaking perfect Basic (the standard language of the Star Wars universe. Sounds like English to us). 

I think your story had two major pitfalls. First, it was just too short. I think there were three choices made. And the pages were short too, with only a few sentences on each. This meant there was little character development, plot progression and little chance to flavor the text with details. 

The second issue is the lack of meaningful choices. One of the choices was choosing which planet to go to, just simply clicking that determined whether or not the character fell to the darkside. A reader wants to feel they have more input over their characters decisions. If I'm going to fall to the darkside I want to it to be because I did something evil or was tempted by it. 

I think you have a lot of potential as a writer, you just need to focus on longer scenes and your ability to show instead of tell. Give me more descriptions, show character's motivations and let them develop slowly.

-- Dottie_Snark on 3/29/2017 2:27:10 AM

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago
It only has one so far, so please feature my comment on Crown the King:

So the only way to get a good ending is to 1.) Be a bitch to your maids, 2.) sleep in like a lazy slob on your brother's big day, 3.) mumble a half-assed apology to him, and then 4.) choose a red dress. The good ending in question isn't related to any of this or to anything involving your character, it just happens that nobody gets murdered that go round.

It's generally expected that a protagonist's actions drive the plot, or at least have something to do with the outcome. You get randomly murdered a lot and the most meaningful choice you get in any of it is what color dress to wear.

Events also contradict each other quite often. Assassins are either coming immediately to your room as the game begins, or your maid is trying to kill you, or because you did something unrelated those things suddenly aren't happening at all.

The funniest ending was the one where you slipped in the hallway and popped a tendon, so your family murdered you because caring for a princess with a limp would be inconvenient. The most metal goes to the maid who CRUSHED YOUR RIBS WITH YOUR OWN CORSET. \m/
-- mizal on 11/20/2017 5:11:55 PM

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

It's a 2.75. No point in featuring the comment. In fact I'll just go ahead and unpublish this now.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Here are some comments for deletion:

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-proposal

(The Proposal by alexp)

asome but you still have stuf left over!!!

-- lillyauna on 11/11/2017 6:36:41 AM with a score of 0

asome but you still have stuf left over!!!

-- lillyauna on 11/11/2017 6:36:40 AM with a score of 0

 

Yeah, they posted their comment two times, and it is completely worthless. x'D 

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Link for easier access

Also on the same story, there is a comment that says absolutely nothing:

-- on 9/12/2017 6:59:23 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Here are some comments for deletion: 

ATTACK. I thought it meant "sexual assault" but apparently he just tickled her? Was that some sort of metaphor? XD

-- Malkalack on 11/16/2014 8:44:10 PM

I immediately clicked "A blowjob". Because I'm a perv. Because I was wondering how far you'd go...

-- Malkalack on 11/16/2014 8:41:14 PM

It's on http://chooseyourstory.com/story/first-dates-can-be-tricky

I'd be worried for Malkalack if I were you. 

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Comments for Featuring:

1) Are You Chicken?

Well. This story was a lot better than I remembered it being. 

First off, as apparent from the first page; you need to break up your text a little and put some paragraphs in. 

The second thing I can tell from the very first page is that you haven't been proofreading your writing much, which you should really do since we are all nit picky about grammar here :P 

"Exept for one which looks fine (exept for the wildly grown back and front yards)." 
Though, seeing as how you spelled "except" the same way, maybe you should consult a dictionary instead. 

Now, ignoring the various spelling mistakes in this storygame (and there are plenty of them), there's a few more things I'd like to point out. 

The constant use of "you" as the first word of each sentence. 
Take this excerpt for example; 

You decide to go through the hole. You get on your hands and knees and go through. The bits of wire poke into you and make you bleed. You finally get through and look at your sores. Jamie and Alex follow. You make your way up to the house and Jamie comes up next to you. You knock on the door. Nobody answers. The door then creeks open and you walk in. You look around at the old fashoined house and you think it is very creepy. You walk over to the stair case and start going up. Alex asks "Do you think this is a good idea?". You look at her. She is usually right about this stuff but you can hardly resist going up the stairs. You say to her..." 

There was 9 sentences that started with "You". 
I don't know about everyone else but repetitive sentence structure is a huge no-no for me. 
Try starting with a verb or combining some of the sentences. 
That goes for the whole story, and definitely not just this one paragraph since your entire storygame does have the commonality of at least half of the writing on the page starting with "You". 

Now, moving on; the story does have a comprehensive message of "don't pollute" (hmm I wonder if that's due to the whole "almost every single ending page has DONT POLLUTE" or a version of that :P), but I feel you really could have done more.
You basically had them vomit exposition at you towards the end, and I really would have liked a longer story and less "give you the backstories in this huge paragraph" and more maybe poke around to find out more about them. 
I like this idea, I really do. But its such a letdown when the exciting part is over in 3 clicks. 
At least you had a fair amount of writing and more plot than most! 
3/8.

-- Seto on 11/23/2017 6:13:30 PM

2) Doctor Who Fanfiction

Honestly, this is exactly how not to write a FanFiction imo. 

And especially how not to write a storygame. 

We were given the illusion of a choice, but no real say in changing anything. All that happens if you click the "wrong choice" (besides the last two choices of stay or go, at least) is you die, and then is given the option to go back and pick the other one. The ending is unaffected by anything you may have done in the game, and is just a simple "stay or go" choice. 
It's ridiculously linear, in other words. 

Hell, you didn't even change much. It's literally just things that happened in Doctor Who, except there's an extra character in who changes nothing about the story. 

Honestly, I've seen quite a few Doctor Who Fanfictions and that is the thing that bothers me the most. 
Most of them, don't have a speck of originality in them. 
For god's sake, you have a time machine and a timelord. You could invent worlds made of fire, a galaxy who's currency is color, and any of that sort of thing. You could write about going back in time and finding out Abe Lincoln really *was* a vampire hunter (except the vampires were really just the water-creatures from The Vampires of Venice). 
Just there is so much potential here, but people seem to want to stick to the storyline, and I don't understand why. 

Either way, giving this a low score for lack of originality.

-- Seto on 11/23/2017 6:25:55 PM

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Seto cutting it close with the Chicken one, good thing Crescent caught it before it went any lower.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Recommending a storygame for unpublishing: 

The strangest apocalypse ever  

Reasoning: Something, something, dead-end looping pages that leads to nowhere. Not much fun at all. 

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Storygame tag suggestions: 

A Soldier's Wish  

1) Serious 

2) Drama

3) War 

4) Socially Important (I think?)  

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Comments for Featuring:

That One Dream Again
1) In the beginning of the game, it was interesting and the writing was decent. It seemed as you were engrossed in the beginning, but in the end as Mizal had said, "it was a mess." I completely agree with his/her statement. It seemed like you had given up, and that you just wanted to get rid of this project. 

I didn't that many grammatical mistakes, so you're fine. I wish that you had written more as it was somewhat short. Also, you should have developed the plot more, added more details, and yeah. 

This game didn't really have me interested that much as it was somewhat boring, so try to write a good hook. This wasn't really hilarious, so work on that aspect, and yeah. 

Otherwise, I liked this book and it was pretty good in general compared to others. For your future story-game, just work on the things I said above and you should be good. Also, try to stick to just ONE idea next time. 

3/8.

-- DiniTheWizard on 11/19/2017 2:38:10 PM

2) Wow, what a wild ride! That was quite an interesting story. I followed a few different paths, and I was surprised again and again by the directions in which this story took me. I liked how even the "cop-out" options I was provided with resulted in compelling endings. 

As someone who places a lot of importance on dreams and often struggles to remember them myself, I sympathize with the protagonist's problem at the beginning. It's certainly a novel concept for a story, and it immediately gripped my attention. 

I love this story's atmosphere! I really felt immersed reading it. Appropriately enough for a story about dreams, it felt like a dream. It's hard to describe why the writing is so effective, but it is. Maybe it's the interesting details, maybe it's the genuinely mystical setting, but it all comes together pretty well. Some folks may not like the meandering plot, but it only made me enjoy it more. It's certainly a one-of-a-kind experience.

-- Quincy on 11/24/2017 10:53:24 PM

 

The second one has a lot of praise and not much direct critique, but I still think it would offer the writer insight on what readers like and how they did with the various aspects of the story.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Story: Don't Forget

"A few things surprised me in the story. 

With all of the people contributing to this story, I was thinking it would be a scrambled mess of a story and I was right. It went from talking about rocks to soggy waffles, which was a little confusing. Though I did enjoy the story, it felt a little rushed in the en, like you couldn't think of a good way to end it, so you made some confusing ending that had nothing to do with the original story. 

The one thing I didn't expect was spelling/grammar mistakes. There were quite a few, which I thought was weird, but they didn't hurt the story much. 

Overall, the story was nice, but felt a little like it was stolen or something, but it was still worth every cent."

- Naomi14

I hope this will suffice.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

This story isn't even published and probably got taken down after DrkPhoenix got himself banned the first time around.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

That's very odd. I can still access it. I'm assuming that you are able to, yes?

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Yeah, you can still access it if you go looking for it. It only got unpublished, not deleted.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Recommending a comment for featuring: 

Practice Simple Italian 

1) Wow! This quiz is actually pretty good. I quite enjoyed it... though it IS in a different language. But that's probably just my linguistic side kicking in. 

I've never studied/heard Italian before, and I've never seen it, so I can't check your work properly. And I don't trust Google translate for checking things to school-level. I learned a few things, actually. 1) Italian is similar to Spanish, and 2) a few Italian words! 

The quiz was well-made, though the parts where we have to fill in several blanks were a bit rough - spacing, capitalization, and returns/enters. 

Normally, I dislike colored words in storygames, but the green at the end for the answers was brilliant. Though not writing related, it gives off this accomplished feeling (though... I missed quite a few. ^^;) and leaves the reader with a nicer mood. The choice of color also relaxes the eyes after a tough quizzing of your Italian! 

An enhancement would be to tell exactly what the reader got wrong by keeping track of variables (unless I'm blind and didn't see that it actually did happen...). 

Overall, it's an awesome quiz - great for studying and reviewing... and even learning! Good work. :D

-- Crescentstar on 1/3/2017 11:55:30 PM with a score of 7

 

(I think it should be good enough, but it is your call as always.)

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

My lord, I have found a story which should be unpublished, and here is the link to it: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/anti~2dphysics-club I am your faithful devotee who wishes to follow your footsteps...

Okay, I'll stop the weird crap. This story is shitty, short, extremely idiotic and cancerous. For these reasons, it deserves to be unpublished and deleted. Take a minute or two to read the story yourself, and you will understand the pain which drove a stake through my heart. 

It's really pathetic, and the description is just this: 

It is just a story game that I created when I was bored. It is about a club that wants to break physics.

I wonder why I didn't give up on life earlier. 

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Sorry but it's just been published today...

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

It was taken down, and then one of the co-authors challenged me to a duel. I think they didn't like my review. x'D 

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

I think that my comment on Ogre11's book called Surviving Pre-School should be featured. xD

Here's the link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/surviving-pre~2dschool 

?Yeah, it wasn't that long but it covered the important shtuff. 

 

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Here are some comments which should be deleted on a game called Grief. Here's the link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/grief

Boring

-- Me on 4/1/2015 2:24:42 PM

ok......

-- name on 10/24/2014 11:13:38 PM

Hm. Cool.

-- Sam2 on 3/9/2017 5:09:50 AM

They don't really contribute anything. 

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Here's a comment which has to be deleted: 

?Boring.

-- Victim on 10/12/2017 3:36:17 PM

It's on this: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/halloween-assignment

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Spammy punctuation and lettering: Nice Job!!!!!!! or NOOOOOOO!!!!! I DIIIIIIED!

Short comments that don’t address the story content directly or clearly: “Wow” “Poop” "I won!" “Hi” “:)”

If someone says something like “Nice”, "Cool", "It sucks" or “Bad” we can leave it.

 

I'll just copy paste this. Therefore those comments and the ones you suggested before shouldn't be up for deletion as they 1) do address the story (they called it boring) and there's no spammy punctuation/lettering.

The only one that could apply for deletion would be "Ok..."

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Reading can be a mystery.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

It doesn't even contribute anything.. x'D

 

 

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

"If someone says something like “Nice”, "Cool", "It sucks" or “Bad” we can leave it."

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago
Technically it still gives an opinion on the story, which is more than the vast, vast majority of readers are willing to do.

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Here's a comment which I think should be featured. The link to the story is: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/ocean-adventure

This had a weak start (typo on the very first page) but after you start using the items it becomes rather immersive, somehow. Short and simple and quite fun to play through. 

At first, I thought the spear gun was a red herring - until I'd realised that you're scripted it so that the player has to check the entire reef. That's pretty neat, it ensures that they see everything the game has to offer, but also makes it a little linear. Also, I'm pretty sure a giant squid wouldn't be fended off with a mere flashlight. 

You also failed to make me feel guilty for keeping all the treasure for myself. I fought a dangerous shark , defeated a squid with a flashlight and so I deserve this treasure lying at the bottom of the ocean. None of these friends did a thing to help out. 

Overall, a short and basic game with some nice scripting which could benefit from some more content.

-- Saika on 9/22/2017 7:22:03 AM with a score of 20

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

one month ago

Comments for Featuring: (Are these okay?)

A Dragon's Life. ~Chapter 1~

1) Honestly, this could have been better. 

On the first page, I am greeted with "You open your eyes and two giant figures confront of you." 

Besides the spelling/grammar problems (which could have been fixed if you took the time to read through it/got someone to read through it for mistakes), there's also the fact that all the choices were incredibly easy. 

If you have the key to a cage, that'd be the obvious solution, instead of using your claws, etc when you're still a young dragon. 

The characters were too flat, they're just names to me, and that's not really good. You usually want your characters to have depth and all that, instead of just being...flat. 

I also thought it was too short. You get captured, run away, join a band of dragons, explore their place and attack some kingdoms. That's basically it :/ you should have just included chapter two here. 

Anyways, 2/8.

-- Seto on 11/28/2017 7:58:39 PM

Death Becomes You

2) Ooooh! That's a cool idea! 

Spoilers below: 

After reading this you have to ask, that feeling of deja vu could it be that you'd died and gotten another shot at life? 

Anyways, like I said above it's a very cool idea, but you didn't manage to quite pull it off. 

First off, the title is kind of confusing, and the summary is pretty vague and sorta uninteresting. When I first played this, I wasn't sure if the title was alluding to the fact that I'm Death, or if I'm gonna die in some way. 

There were a few spelling/grammar mistakes, which could have been easily fixed, but I'd rather not dwell on that. 

There was a lack of details...and honestly, the ending felt pretty boring to me. Really, it's a wonderful idea but I didn't like your writing, and it was too short. 

As it is 3/8.

-- Seto on 11/28/2017 8:15:16 PM

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one month ago

Oh boy, now the Sages have officially reached 1000 commendations total. I guess it is now confirmed that Crescent is an honorary Sage and a traitor to her order. You Architects may want to consider finding a way of stopping her traitorous ways. ^_^

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one month ago

It's not simply about that. :P Yw

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one month ago

How many commendations do the others have...? o-o

Nevermind, answered that for myself and woo...

The others are still in their 200s...

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one month ago
And it's not like the other Orders don't also include site regulars among their numbers. Shameful, just shameful.

Imagine how pathetic the Wardens would be in particular without Az and Saika carrying them. (With some help from the now vanished IronPanther...)

Meanwhile fucking NYCTO earned over half the Maurader's comms...

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one month ago

I'm sure Endmaster will carry Marauders to victory with some 1mil word story x'D

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one month ago
Rogues should be worth quite a few, although so far it seems like farming with featured comments is the fastest method.

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one month ago

For now, yes. :P

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one month ago

rip architects

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one month ago

Nycto recently had plans to dethrone MinnieKing, but I think the recent Judy drama put a crimp in those plans.

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one month ago
Well really he might as well get used to giving up on any the plans he had for his life anyhow.

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one month ago

I was thinking that maybe things would be more interesting if the orders were randomized every year/few months or so. Just something to maybe freshen things up and maybe inspire some feeling of competition for those that may or may not assisted the Sages in some way to take down this monster that we've built. Then again maybe things wouldn't change much at all and it would still be the same small group of people getting commendations, and the occasional commendable storygame in the mix.

Still it is nice being a Sage (the "winning team") and all, tbh. :D

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one month ago

I think another interesting (maybe not the best way, but certainly interesting) would be to assign each of the four active mods (I’m considering 3J to be active) an order, and then have everybody go back to choosing teams for kickball. One mod would go first, then another, and so on until all of the active members were chosen. Once all of the active/good members were chosen, everyone else would be randomized.

I think that would at least keep the Orders more even.

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one month ago

How about...top commenders choose instead? 3J disappeared >~<

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one month ago
The problem is I'm not sure if anyone but 3J could make changes like this anyhow, though if he were still here I'm sure he'd have tweaked Orders in other ways by now to make them a bit more balanced.

Admins prefer not to commend stories under the current system which is another thing that makes the whole system favor active forum posters. (which is a shame because stories were supposed to be the main source of commendations over time.)

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one month ago

Berka commends stories sometimes.

JJJ had said in the future that he might switch a few of the top ranking people in their various Orders, but again that would require him to actually be around.

Personally I always thought the commendations should be expanded to ALL stories, not just new ones and the admins should just have their own special Order being better than the rest of you and all.

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one month ago

It's somewhat odd and ironic that old comments prior to this commendation system can be featured and lead to someone being commended, but the stories that those comments are on aren't eligble for being commended themselves. 

Such a strange thing, but maybe eventually it'll change so at least old featured stories or previously featured stories can be commended.

Then again, a current probable 'fix' or tweak to the current system in place can be making a featured comment give the same amount as a commendable post, that number being one. Or maybe even lowering it to the same amount of points that one gets from a featured comment in making it 2 commendations and 2 points for a featured comment. I think comments even being a single commendation less would probably balance things out, maybe.

Well, that's about all I have right now unfortunately. :/

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one month ago
I think I would enjoy being a Marauder actually, I always like underdogs and it would be a nice challenge seeing how long it takes to personally acquire more points than everyone else in my Order combined.

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one month ago

This comment from this storygame should be featured. It also totally isn't mine and totally isn't a protest against the commendation system. 

<><><><><><><><><><>

I found this game to interesting. It's purpose was to make the reader sad, for none of the endings were particularly jovial. Everything pointed the reader into a path of feeling glum. That's both what I like and don't like about this storygame. 

What I like: It was saddening. Hopelessness pervaded the tale though it was set in a semi-fantasy setting. Heck, there was no silver lining on these clouds. They just poured rain down on my face. 

What I Don't Like: The sadness felt shallow. I had no time to truly connect with the characters (due to the length). Additionally, the traitor bit was out of place. A character is executed for being a traitor (though was innocent). After the killing, a random character explains that randomly selecting characters for execution is common practice after battles. How does the protagonist not know? Why isn't there discontentment among the people? More importantly, is the masses can be fooled for only so long, so the executions should no longer even be effective in pacifying people's displeasure of the king. 

Anyway, I did like the storygame, and the emotions it did me were high in comparison to its short length.

-- WIBN on 12/1/2017 2:08:32 PM65

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one month ago

LOL

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one month ago

Fuck it, the commendation system has failed. Gas the forums.

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one month ago

I've grown quite against what the commendation system has turned into. This's a somewhat amusing yet not harmful way of protest. :)

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one month ago

I think that this comment may be deleted. Doesn't address the book directly, so I see no point in keeping it. 

 

Justice

-- corgi213 on 10/30/2015 11:32:08 PM

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/coffee-break

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one month ago

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one month ago

So here's my comment from a book which I think should be featured. Here's the link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/remember It was brutal, but the writer needed to see it. 

Before I start ranting about all of the imperfections which your story has, I'll state the positives. 

The book was eerie, and the story of the ghost girl is actually interesting. It leaves you hanging with questions, which again is a cliffhanger and doesn't provide the closure which readers like to see. I see where you were going with this story, but you didn't hit your mark. 

Now the negatives. I found many mistakes which were constantly being repeated in your game. Punctuation was one of them. 

"Yes" 

Take this passage as an example. If you don't remember what your elementary teachers had taught you, I'll say it again. There must be punctuation in between the quotation marks. I don't see a period or a comma which is closing up that dialogue. This was constantly being repeated throughout your game which proved to be a major issue to me. 

I put up my fists and gave a punch to her neck. She grabbed my arm and squeezed it until I couldn't fell a thing. She then pushed me to the ground and stomped on me until I bled to death 

Well, there isn't a period at the end of your sentence so boohoo. The lack of detail really makes this game seem dull and lifeless, and that it is written by a second-grader. As you said that you were a teenager, you should have a more.. ah, refined english than younger children. Also, we want more details in your fight scene. It's so boring, we don't care. We want blood and gore. It isn't called horror for no reason at all! 

Also, capitalization was a issue as well in this book. I'll briefly talk about it because you should know that you always capitalize PROPER nouns. "The Man nods his head." will be used as an example. You didn't tell us who this man is, so it wouldn't be capitalized because it ISN'T a PROPER noun. 

The lack of detail, lack of development for the characters and the plot, no regard for punctuation or capitalization at all make me rate this a 1/8 or a 2/8. 


This had potential, but you had ruined it. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but it is true. Focus on the negatives which I stated above and try to obliviate them. This is the brutal truth, and the truth that you need to hear. My sincere apologies if you take this to your heart. 

-- DiniTheWizard on 12/17/2017 3:14:01 PM

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one month ago

The story isn't a 3 or above rating.

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one month ago

Oh. I forgot that the comments should be from a story-game rated 3.00 and higher. Carry on. 

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8 days ago

Recommending my comment for featuring on Saoirse. Now I know we aren't really supposed recommend comments on stories that don't have a rating yet, but this is for Steve's contest entry, so I don't really anticipate it being taken down. 

Anyway, here it is.

This was a good one. I have just a few points that I'd like to make. 

1. The first and last pages were excellent, but for different reasons. The first page was written extraordinarily well, and twas what motivated me to get through all of the backgrounds. (A point I'll speak about later) The last page Was perhaps the most touching part in the entire thing, or at least of what I read thus far. Everything in between was good, (great grammar, flow, etc.) but I don't think it was great. IT was enjoyable to read, but it wasn't the story's strong suit. 

2. The characters were solid. I know a ton of them were real people and there wasn't really much you could do with that, but still, I only really ended up caring about what happened to my family. (And somewhat Michael Collins, but that's aside the point.) Thus, I followed Joseph with whatever decision he made, because I didn't want to end up killing him later on. Put simply, my character's family is what helped me immerse myself, and while I haven't read the Great War path, I doubt if I'll have anywhere near the same emotional attachment as when I followed Joseph wherever he went. 

3. Despite all of this, there is one thing that makes all of this work. Quantity. The sheer amount of words really makes this story, and in nearly every aspect too. The story isn't about you playing as a character and trying to survive, rather, it's about experiencing the lives of the Irish in this trying time. The simple amount of different perspectives to be played really helped make the story what it is. The sheer length and amount of events to experience made the ending just that much sweeter. The longer time spent playing, the more sweet the ending gets. 

4. The beginning of the story is where I imagine people might have the most trouble. I don't know about everyone else, but whenever there's a background link, I feel an obligation to read it. Because of this, the first page, and all of the links therein, is a daunting task. Obviously you needed to provide history, so that we'd know what was even going, but I guess that is simply the difficult part of making a story like this work. which kinda brings me to my next point... 

5. This point is pretty nitpicky, but I found myself forgetting a lot of the background information, so I'd end up going back to read through it whenever it pertained to the plot. A journal like item might fix this, but it is a small detail. Just something to think about. 

All in all, I really liked this. This is a near perfect story game in my eyes, for nearly everything was done right in the game. That being said, the nature of the story game is simply one that is a little less appreciated among the general populous I love history, therefore I liked it. Those who don't like history are inevitably going to like it less. 

Either way, congratulations on a job well done. This is a great story made even better knowing that it was contest entry with time constraints.
-- EbonVasilis on 1/10/2018 1:25:31 AM with a score of 0

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/saoirse

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8 days ago

<a href=http://chooseyourstory.com/story/saoirse>Saoirse</a>

Does this appear as a hyper link?

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8 days ago

Recommending comments for featuring, on The Ballad of the Winter King:

1)  No longer seasonally appropriate, but still excellent. Definitely one of the better, if not the best poem-CYOA on the site. Outside of a few forced rhymes that didn't quite work ("pedestal" and "fall"), this was a pretty excellent example of poetry that works, and is fun to read. 

The Winter King was properly creepy. I liked how Santa comes in at the end. The whole thing had a cool twisted fairy tale vibe; reminded me of the Krampus movie, or End's children's game. Also, the rhyming helped with the fairy tale vibe. 

It was pretty short, but it was poetry, so I'm happy to cut it some slack, as it is way harder to write than regular prose. 

I did think it was a bit lazy to re-use the same death verses, but that's a small mark against an otherwise stellar game. 

All in all, this was well worth the read. Glad it was the first game I read in 2018.

-- Malkalack on 1/8/2018 12:23:54 AM

2)  I really was quite stunned by this piece of poetry, as one seldom sees such quality! 

Throughout the poem you kept to a very consistent meter, and were not afraid to use words such as "Twas" and "Tis" to do so - which was excellent. The result was an nicely balanced and regular rhythm, which gave the poem a sort of "flow" if you will - it sounded nice. The standard rhyming pattern used was also implemented very well, and I think it's impressive how few sentences sounded overly contrived in order to maintain the rhyming pattern. Some of the imagery used was absolutely beautiful - one of my favourites being "softly wept with snow" near the beginning. These fantastically evocative descriptions pervaded the entirety of the story. In particular the sparingly used of similes and metaphors were brilliant. I loved the closing couplet that at the end of the poem too, it's always nice to have a little twist to the regular structure! The plot also was good, and reminded me of a fairy-tale I had read when I was younger, but nonetheless seemed fairly original. The title's cool as well. 

There were just a few things that could have been improved, and I feel that I'm being quite nit-picky here. There was slightly too much vocabular repetition throughout the poem. For example, certain adjectives were repeated twice (or even three times!) within the same stanza (e.g. "crooked" twice, "tiny" thrice etc.) Some adjectives were also repeated too often throughout the poem, which detracted a little from the imagery ("encased"). While I wouldn't recommend being glued to a thesaurus while writing a poem (or while writing anything for that matter), I think it would be a good idea to look for alternative adjectives sometimes. 

There were also a few sentences which seemed a little contrived. Presumably this was to squash them into the meter and rhyming pattern. As is common when people try to do this, the word "did" was often artificially used as a consequence, e.g. "some shadows did convene", "some warning bells did ring" followed by "all warning bells did ring", "with bitter cold did wrack" etc. Some of these sound a bit awkward, and disrupt the flow of the poetry. I would like to paste some of the verses here and suggest alterations, but that would be a bit silly. 

Spelling, grammar, and punctuation were generally fine with a few slips here and there ("blanket", not "blanked".) More noticeably (particularly later on) there were a few slips of punctuation at the end of stanza lines. 

A very few phrases were ambiguous due to poor adjective application. 

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem, and found the descriptive style and rhythm very effective. It is obvious that quite some effort has been put into writing it (considering it's length and diversity at different junctions), and it is not overly linear (at least not for a work of this length). A fantastic contribution to the site.

-- llImperatorll on 1/9/2018 7:52:37 AM

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3 days ago
Recommending these two for featuring on His Smile (http://chooseyourstory.com/story/his-smile)


Right. This felt a little more like a caricature of a story rather than a real one, mainly because you wrote pretty decently but crammed it all into so few words!

3000 isn't too bad, but there's a fair amount of branching (even if it is shallow), so the story ends pretty much instantly apart from one option! Most of the others kind of covered this, and I'm no expert on writing romance by any means, but you really need to develop the characters and get the reader attached to them. That takes a little more time and effort, and it can be quite hard to do it in an interesting way I'd imagine. Still, you do seem pretty competent at writing, so I encourage you to either unpublish and flesh it out or just write another story that's bigger.

Some of the paths were also just crazy. Like you choose to be friends and then BAM your friendship slowly withers as he starts digging some other girl and you marry his cousin (who, btw, you only find out is rich and lives in a mansion after you marry him. I may be wrong, but most people tend to go to their partner's house before marriage. The fact the MC falls in love with him also makes me doubt it was an arranged marriage or anything!).

As far as mistakes go, I couldn't see any (eh, no space after after ellipses but that's a wobbly rule that comes down to taste mainly), so you've at least gotten proof reading down, the hurdle that trips up about 70% of the stories here pretty badly. This wasn't a particularly bad first story.

3/8
-- AzBaz on 8/8/2017 11:58:34 AM with a score of 0


Well, don't know what the author was going for here, but since it's in Love and Dating, I'll assume it was romance. Honestly, since Andrew was my friend I did the natural thing and pushed him on what was wrong, and then he confessed his love in a manner befitting a psychopathic maniac and I got the fuck out of there and friend-zoned the shit out of him.

Second play through, because I decided to be nice seeing as the author doesn't seem to be an ass and looks to be looking to improve, I said nothing, and then was unfortunately given only the chance to be a bitch to Andrew and whatever her name was, which ended the game, or be a psycho bitch. Being a psycho bitch led to some weird ass scene at Andrew's funeral, which was also weird.

Anyhow, not romantic in the slightest, Andrew just weirded me out. Plus, never been a fan of school games. That being said, the grammer and writing style all seemed fairly decent for a first game, and I genuinely do hope the author isn't pushed away and continues to write.
-- Steve24833 on 7/11/2017 2:03:26 PM with a score of 0

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17 hours ago

1. a comment for featuring. 

Storygame: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/post~2dapocalyptic-empire?. (will someone hyperlink this for me.)

Honestly it was short. It had a little under 1000 words and they were not that good to begin with. Also like stated before, every time you make a wrong choice you die. There is no branching what so ever. Why not write this as flash fiction? I mean for real, there was no point in making this story in this format when you could have wrote it somewhere else and you might have got a little praise from your family members. There was also a lot of spelling and grammar issues. I see it was your first story and you have gotten better, but I have no idea how you got a 3.53/8 rating.

I'm being nice here 2/8

-- MrAce on 1/18/2018 3:41:33 PM

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17 hours ago
Post-Apocalyptic Empire Here you go. The code you need to use is <*a href="http://chooseyourstory.com/story/post~2dapocalyptic-empire">Post-Apocalyptic Empire<*/a> (without the * signs, and with ritch text editor disabled).

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13 hours ago

Is this worthy?

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13 hours ago

I feel like it's too short.

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13 hours ago

To be fair there are shorter featured comments. And there are a lot of short ones.

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12 hours ago

Yeah, but those were all featured before people started getting 3 comms for featured comments.

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12 hours ago

Oh. I was wondering why people had featured comments but 0 comms

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16 hours ago

Sorry just seen this.

1. A story for unpublishing: <a href="http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-survive-part-1</a>

It is unfinished and has not recived any ratings for however long it has been published. It says that it will be continued and ends without a satisfying ending.

E: Screw it. I can't hyper link http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-survive-part-1

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16 hours ago
You forgot the final quotation mark enclosing the URL, and then you forgot to put the name of the link you were creating.

Anyway this has only been up a couple hours if even that much. No harm in leaving it a day and letting everyone harvest their point.

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16 hours ago

I thought it had been up a little bit. Thanks for the tip.

E: Anyone who wants to check it out here is the link

 

 

 

href="http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-survive-part-1"

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16 hours ago

Draw My Attention (Toxic Creativity)

16 hours ago

Thank you.

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16 hours ago
For future reference, it's [a href="http://chooseyourstory.com/Member/?Username=Rapor"]Title or description of the link, in this case that story author's profile[/a]

Replace brackets with < and >

Oh, May already explained it. You must have just been typoing things idk.

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8 hours ago

Category change: Forensic Toxicology 

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/forensic-toxicology

It's really more of an edutainment, insofar as you don't really solve anything, and the correct choices depend wholly on your understanding / correct guessing of forensic sciences lol 

E: also feature my comment while you're at it 

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one hour ago

You will ride eternal shiny and chrome.

You will write eternal, creatively and focused.

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53 minutes ago
Shiny or not, we don't need to encourage more users to eat paint, thanks.