This is how it works:
Recommending a comment for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a tag change for a storygame (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for a change in maturity level or difficulty level (1 point for each)
Recommending a storygame for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing (1 point)
Recommending a comment for deletion (1 point)
To get points for recommending something, I have to agree with you and newly created storygames are not eligible point earners.
Three Most Important Things when recommending anything:
1. Reply to THIS thread to THIS post
2. A hyperlink to the storygame
3. Number ALL your suggestions
Recommending a comment for featuring:
- The story should at least have a rating of 3.0
- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
- If there are already 3 featured comments on the storygame, you also have to let me know whose comment you think should be replaced.
- If I agree, you will get 1 point and the person whose comment is featured will automatically get 2 points. If you are recommending your own comment, you don't get the extra point. (You’re already getting Commendation points as well!)
Recommending a comment for deletion:
- The comment that you think deserves deletion (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
Examples of what to suggest
Spammy punctuation and lettering: Nice Job!!!!!!! or NOOOOOOO!!!!! I DIIIIIIED!
Short comments that don’t address the story content directly or clearly: “Wow” “Poop” "I won!" “Hi” “:)”
If someone says something like “Nice”, "Cool", "It sucks" or “Bad” we can leave it.
Obviously long comments that don’t do this either are also up for deletion, but it’s usually easier to see since they're probably rambling on about a Nigerian Prince or something similar so there shouldn’t be too much of an issue with ambiguity.
Incomprehensible comments: “sfekrbnmdse”
Duplicate comment: Self explanatory.
Flaming the Author: Honestly, I’m actually all for flaming the author if their story was bad enough, but I understand most of you don’t thrive off pure hatred for some strange reason. So if someone is just calling the author names, it can go.
Note: Do not recommend comments on EndMaster stories for deletion or featuring. He usually monitors his stories’ comments anyway.
Recommending a tag change for a storygame
- All of the tags you believe the story should have
Recommending a category change for a storygame
- The category you believe it should be in
- A short explanation of why
Recommending a change in maturity or difficulty level for a storygame
- The change you think should be made
- A short explanation of why
Recommending a storygame for featuring
- A short rationale for why
Recommending a forum thread for deletion
- A short rationale for why
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing
- A short explanation of why [specifically, you must describe how it fails to meet minimum site standards]
1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo."
2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later.
Games that say they are the first in a series are not automatically considered "unfinished." As long as the game itself is complete, even if the author never returned to write a sequel, it is not up for unpublishing.
If you don't follow protocol, there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points. Following protocol expedites the process.
To summarize: post here (for the most part) with recommendations for who I should reward / what I should change and I'll reward you with points.
Take a second to check the posts above you and see if someone else has already made the recommendation. Remember, newly created Storygames are not eligible for tag/category/comment points.
Was time for a new one.
(My) Comment for Featuring:
I read (and commented) on this storygame two weeks ago, but my mind keeps on coming back to it. The reason may not be what the author expects, for I absolutely love the narrative delivery especially for a shorter storygame.
Initially, the driver of the plot is the reason for the two's isolation. I wanted to know what happened and why it happened. It seemed to be a pretty standard occurrence. In the town, I was confronted with memories from a time long ago that were both sweet and bitter for the protagonist. I started piecing together the plot in what felt to be a very organic manner.
That is what I liked about this storygame so much. I was just wandering around a town looking for some supplies, but it used non-linear narration to fuel my desire to continue reading. I could feel the loneliness and the cold (both in the literal and metaphorical sense). Never once did I find anything that seemed forced upon by the author.
As for improvements, I can't point out much. There's no grammar or spelling error (an easy way for me to normally criticize). There's no plot-points that make no sense or "lol random" moments. Heck, there's no instance where I slogged my way through a section that drug on for too long. I can't even criticize it for being linear, for I do have choice as the reader along with not being shoehorned into a path.
Anyway, this is a great storygame that might even be worthy of a featured position.
-- WouldntItBeNice on 11/18/2017 12:07:02 PM with a score of 0
I know a mod would see this soon enough, but I also wanted to be the first one to become featured from this thread.
I'd be very glad if you made another using this format. (Obviously) I found it wonderful.
Recommending a storygame for deletion:
Try to be a Basketball Star
Reasoning: Game is very likely to cause those who reads it physical discomfort. I also think that this story may just have the lowest rating out of the currently published games. You're free to experience it yourself if you would like to immerse yourself in the feeling that many felt upon reaching the end of this story.
yes, please delete that. How is it even still up when it has only a 1.82
Pffft and my unfinished, not even a storygame has 16 8/8's. Can I have a reward for my exemplary writing? xD
Comments for Featuring:
Doctor Who Fanfiction
Well your story was legible and coherent, so that's something. However it was also stolen straight from the the show. Using elements of the show or even rewriting scenes so they happen differently can make great fanfiction, but all you did was rewrite a couple scenes with a new character. This character didn't even add anything to these scenes or change them in anyway. They were completely unnecessary to the plot.
The narration was extremely boring. The pacing was rushed, there was little details and moments went by far to fast. When I'm reading all I see is what you show me. Describe the scenery, let character's actions and moments help bring them to life. Also, paragraphs! Use them.
There is also the issue of your choices. There weren't really any. Every page only had two choices, one where I lived, one where I died. It made the plot completely linear and boring. And then when I did die you wouldn't even let me end the game. Every death page only had the option of returning to the previous page. If you're going to have death pages let people die. If they want to keep playing there's a go back button for that.
In the future if you want to write a fanfic, please come up with a semi-original plot for the characters to do. With Doctor Who you have all of time and space to explore. Why don't travel with your favorite doctor to your favorite time period and save the day? Or use your imagination and you can create any possible world or future. It's all up to you, but don't just write a narrative of the show's plot.
-- Dottie_Snark on 3/29/2017 3:53:43 PM
Was pretty interested in those storygames, to be honest.
Also on that note, this comment should be featured too..
The Unwritten Jedi
On a structural level the writing in this storygame is actually pretty good. For example, you have good grammar and sentence structure. You didn't use much detail but what you did use painted a nice picture in my mind. You also have a pretty okay understand of the understanding of the Star Wars universe, which is important when writing fanfiction. Using a two-manned starship to transport the master and padawan, such as a Y-Wing, was a nice detail. The only thing that stuck out was the Gungan speaking perfect Basic (the standard language of the Star Wars universe. Sounds like English to us).
I think your story had two major pitfalls. First, it was just too short. I think there were three choices made. And the pages were short too, with only a few sentences on each. This meant there was little character development, plot progression and little chance to flavor the text with details.
The second issue is the lack of meaningful choices. One of the choices was choosing which planet to go to, just simply clicking that determined whether or not the character fell to the darkside. A reader wants to feel they have more input over their characters decisions. If I'm going to fall to the darkside I want to it to be because I did something evil or was tempted by it.
I think you have a lot of potential as a writer, you just need to focus on longer scenes and your ability to show instead of tell. Give me more descriptions, show character's motivations and let them develop slowly.
-- Dottie_Snark on 3/29/2017 2:27:10 AM
It's a 2.75. No point in featuring the comment. In fact I'll just go ahead and unpublish this now.
Here are some comments for deletion:
(The Proposal by alexp)
asome but you still have stuf left over!!!
-- lillyauna on 11/11/2017 6:36:41 AM with a score of 0
-- lillyauna on 11/11/2017 6:36:40 AM with a score of 0
Yeah, they posted their comment two times, and it is completely worthless. x'D
Link for easier access
Also on the same story, there is a comment that says absolutely nothing:
-- on 9/12/2017 6:59:23 PM with a score of 0
Here are some comments for deletion:
ATTACK. I thought it meant "sexual assault" but apparently he just tickled her? Was that some sort of metaphor? XD
-- Malkalack on 11/16/2014 8:44:10 PM
I immediately clicked "A blowjob". Because I'm a perv. Because I was wondering how far you'd go...
-- Malkalack on 11/16/2014 8:41:14 PM
It's on http://chooseyourstory.com/story/first-dates-can-be-tricky
I'd be worried for Malkalack if I were you.
1) Are You Chicken?
Well. This story was a lot better than I remembered it being.
First off, as apparent from the first page; you need to break up your text a little and put some paragraphs in.
The second thing I can tell from the very first page is that you haven't been proofreading your writing much, which you should really do since we are all nit picky about grammar here :P
"Exept for one which looks fine (exept for the wildly grown back and front yards)."
Though, seeing as how you spelled "except" the same way, maybe you should consult a dictionary instead.
Now, ignoring the various spelling mistakes in this storygame (and there are plenty of them), there's a few more things I'd like to point out.
The constant use of "you" as the first word of each sentence.
Take this excerpt for example;
You decide to go through the hole. You get on your hands and knees and go through. The bits of wire poke into you and make you bleed. You finally get through and look at your sores. Jamie and Alex follow. You make your way up to the house and Jamie comes up next to you. You knock on the door. Nobody answers. The door then creeks open and you walk in. You look around at the old fashoined house and you think it is very creepy. You walk over to the stair case and start going up. Alex asks "Do you think this is a good idea?". You look at her. She is usually right about this stuff but you can hardly resist going up the stairs. You say to her..."
There was 9 sentences that started with "You".
I don't know about everyone else but repetitive sentence structure is a huge no-no for me.
Try starting with a verb or combining some of the sentences.
That goes for the whole story, and definitely not just this one paragraph since your entire storygame does have the commonality of at least half of the writing on the page starting with "You".
Now, moving on; the story does have a comprehensive message of "don't pollute" (hmm I wonder if that's due to the whole "almost every single ending page has DONT POLLUTE" or a version of that :P), but I feel you really could have done more.
You basically had them vomit exposition at you towards the end, and I really would have liked a longer story and less "give you the backstories in this huge paragraph" and more maybe poke around to find out more about them.
I like this idea, I really do. But its such a letdown when the exciting part is over in 3 clicks.
At least you had a fair amount of writing and more plot than most!
-- Seto on 11/23/2017 6:13:30 PM
2) Doctor Who Fanfiction
Honestly, this is exactly how not to write a FanFiction imo.
And especially how not to write a storygame.
We were given the illusion of a choice, but no real say in changing anything. All that happens if you click the "wrong choice" (besides the last two choices of stay or go, at least) is you die, and then is given the option to go back and pick the other one. The ending is unaffected by anything you may have done in the game, and is just a simple "stay or go" choice.
It's ridiculously linear, in other words.
Hell, you didn't even change much. It's literally just things that happened in Doctor Who, except there's an extra character in who changes nothing about the story.
Honestly, I've seen quite a few Doctor Who Fanfictions and that is the thing that bothers me the most.
Most of them, don't have a speck of originality in them.
For god's sake, you have a time machine and a timelord. You could invent worlds made of fire, a galaxy who's currency is color, and any of that sort of thing. You could write about going back in time and finding out Abe Lincoln really *was* a vampire hunter (except the vampires were really just the water-creatures from The Vampires of Venice).
Just there is so much potential here, but people seem to want to stick to the storyline, and I don't understand why.
Either way, giving this a low score for lack of originality.
-- Seto on 11/23/2017 6:25:55 PM
Seto cutting it close with the Chicken one, good thing Crescent caught it before it went any lower.
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing:
The strangest apocalypse ever
Reasoning: Something, something, dead-end looping pages that leads to nowhere. Not much fun at all.
Storygame tag suggestions:
A Soldier's Wish
4) Socially Important (I think?)
That One Dream Again
1) In the beginning of the game, it was interesting and the writing was decent. It seemed as you were engrossed in the beginning, but in the end as Mizal had said, "it was a mess." I completely agree with his/her statement. It seemed like you had given up, and that you just wanted to get rid of this project.
I didn't that many grammatical mistakes, so you're fine. I wish that you had written more as it was somewhat short. Also, you should have developed the plot more, added more details, and yeah.
This game didn't really have me interested that much as it was somewhat boring, so try to write a good hook. This wasn't really hilarious, so work on that aspect, and yeah.
Otherwise, I liked this book and it was pretty good in general compared to others. For your future story-game, just work on the things I said above and you should be good. Also, try to stick to just ONE idea next time.
-- DiniTheWizard on 11/19/2017 2:38:10 PM
2) Wow, what a wild ride! That was quite an interesting story. I followed a few different paths, and I was surprised again and again by the directions in which this story took me. I liked how even the "cop-out" options I was provided with resulted in compelling endings.
As someone who places a lot of importance on dreams and often struggles to remember them myself, I sympathize with the protagonist's problem at the beginning. It's certainly a novel concept for a story, and it immediately gripped my attention.
I love this story's atmosphere! I really felt immersed reading it. Appropriately enough for a story about dreams, it felt like a dream. It's hard to describe why the writing is so effective, but it is. Maybe it's the interesting details, maybe it's the genuinely mystical setting, but it all comes together pretty well. Some folks may not like the meandering plot, but it only made me enjoy it more. It's certainly a one-of-a-kind experience.
-- Quincy on 11/24/2017 10:53:24 PM
The second one has a lot of praise and not much direct critique, but I still think it would offer the writer insight on what readers like and how they did with the various aspects of the story.
Story: Don't Forget
"A few things surprised me in the story.
With all of the people contributing to this story, I was thinking it would be a scrambled mess of a story and I was right. It went from talking about rocks to soggy waffles, which was a little confusing. Though I did enjoy the story, it felt a little rushed in the en, like you couldn't think of a good way to end it, so you made some confusing ending that had nothing to do with the original story.
The one thing I didn't expect was spelling/grammar mistakes. There were quite a few, which I thought was weird, but they didn't hurt the story much.
Overall, the story was nice, but felt a little like it was stolen or something, but it was still worth every cent."
I hope this will suffice.
This story isn't even published and probably got taken down after DrkPhoenix got himself banned the first time around.
That's very odd. I can still access it. I'm assuming that you are able to, yes?
Yeah, you can still access it if you go looking for it. It only got unpublished, not deleted.
Recommending a comment for featuring:
Practice Simple Italian
1) Wow! This quiz is actually pretty good. I quite enjoyed it... though it IS in a different language. But that's probably just my linguistic side kicking in.
I've never studied/heard Italian before, and I've never seen it, so I can't check your work properly. And I don't trust Google translate for checking things to school-level. I learned a few things, actually. 1) Italian is similar to Spanish, and 2) a few Italian words!
The quiz was well-made, though the parts where we have to fill in several blanks were a bit rough - spacing, capitalization, and returns/enters.
Normally, I dislike colored words in storygames, but the green at the end for the answers was brilliant. Though not writing related, it gives off this accomplished feeling (though... I missed quite a few. ^^;) and leaves the reader with a nicer mood. The choice of color also relaxes the eyes after a tough quizzing of your Italian!
An enhancement would be to tell exactly what the reader got wrong by keeping track of variables (unless I'm blind and didn't see that it actually did happen...).
Overall, it's an awesome quiz - great for studying and reviewing... and even learning! Good work. :D
-- Crescentstar on 1/3/2017 11:55:30 PM with a score of 7
(I think it should be good enough, but it is your call as always.)
My lord, I have found a story which should be unpublished, and here is the link to it: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/anti~2dphysics-club I am your faithful devotee who wishes to follow your footsteps...
Okay, I'll stop the weird crap. This story is shitty, short, extremely idiotic and cancerous. For these reasons, it deserves to be unpublished and deleted. Take a minute or two to read the story yourself, and you will understand the pain which drove a stake through my heart.
It's really pathetic, and the description is just this:
It is just a story game that I created when I was bored. It is about a club that wants to break physics.
I wonder why I didn't give up on life earlier.
Sorry but it's just been published today...
It was taken down, and then one of the co-authors challenged me to a duel. I think they didn't like my review. x'D
I think that my comment on Ogre11's book called Surviving Pre-School should be featured. xD
Here's the link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/surviving-pre~2dschool
?Yeah, it wasn't that long but it covered the important shtuff.
Here are some comments which should be deleted on a game called Grief. Here's the link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/grief
-- Me on 4/1/2015 2:24:42 PM
-- name on 10/24/2014 11:13:38 PM
-- Sam2 on 3/9/2017 5:09:50 AM
They don't really contribute anything.
Here's a comment which has to be deleted:
-- Victim on 10/12/2017 3:36:17 PM
It's on this: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/halloween-assignment
Spammy punctuation and lettering: Nice Job!!!!!!! or NOOOOOOO!!!!! I DIIIIIIED!
Short comments that don’t address the story content directly or clearly: “Wow” “Poop” "I won!" “Hi” “:)”
If someone says something like “Nice”, "Cool", "It sucks" or “Bad” we can leave it.
I'll just copy paste this. Therefore those comments and the ones you suggested before shouldn't be up for deletion as they 1) do address the story (they called it boring) and there's no spammy punctuation/lettering.
The only one that could apply for deletion would be "Ok..."
Reading can be a mystery.
It doesn't even contribute anything.. x'D
"If someone says something like “Nice”, "Cool", "It sucks" or “Bad” we can leave it."
Here's a comment which I think should be featured. The link to the story is: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/ocean-adventure
This had a weak start (typo on the very first page) but after you start using the items it becomes rather immersive, somehow. Short and simple and quite fun to play through.
At first, I thought the spear gun was a red herring - until I'd realised that you're scripted it so that the player has to check the entire reef. That's pretty neat, it ensures that they see everything the game has to offer, but also makes it a little linear. Also, I'm pretty sure a giant squid wouldn't be fended off with a mere flashlight.
You also failed to make me feel guilty for keeping all the treasure for myself. I fought a dangerous shark , defeated a squid with a flashlight and so I deserve this treasure lying at the bottom of the ocean. None of these friends did a thing to help out.
Overall, a short and basic game with some nice scripting which could benefit from some more content.
-- Saika on 9/22/2017 7:22:03 AM with a score of 20
Comments for Featuring: (Are these okay?)
A Dragon's Life. ~Chapter 1~
1) Honestly, this could have been better.
On the first page, I am greeted with "You open your eyes and two giant figures confront of you."
Besides the spelling/grammar problems (which could have been fixed if you took the time to read through it/got someone to read through it for mistakes), there's also the fact that all the choices were incredibly easy.
If you have the key to a cage, that'd be the obvious solution, instead of using your claws, etc when you're still a young dragon.
The characters were too flat, they're just names to me, and that's not really good. You usually want your characters to have depth and all that, instead of just being...flat.
I also thought it was too short. You get captured, run away, join a band of dragons, explore their place and attack some kingdoms. That's basically it :/ you should have just included chapter two here.
-- Seto on 11/28/2017 7:58:39 PM
Death Becomes You
2) Ooooh! That's a cool idea!
After reading this you have to ask, that feeling of deja vu could it be that you'd died and gotten another shot at life?
Anyways, like I said above it's a very cool idea, but you didn't manage to quite pull it off.
First off, the title is kind of confusing, and the summary is pretty vague and sorta uninteresting. When I first played this, I wasn't sure if the title was alluding to the fact that I'm Death, or if I'm gonna die in some way.
There were a few spelling/grammar mistakes, which could have been easily fixed, but I'd rather not dwell on that.
There was a lack of details...and honestly, the ending felt pretty boring to me. Really, it's a wonderful idea but I didn't like your writing, and it was too short.
As it is 3/8.
-- Seto on 11/28/2017 8:15:16 PM
Oh boy, now the Sages have officially reached 1000 commendations total. I guess it is now confirmed that Crescent is an honorary Sage and a traitor to her order. You Architects may want to consider finding a way of stopping her traitorous ways. ^_^
It's not simply about that. :P Yw
How many commendations do the others have...? o-o
Nevermind, answered that for myself and woo...
The others are still in their 200s...
I'm sure Endmaster will carry Marauders to victory with some 1mil word story x'D
For now, yes. :P
Nycto recently had plans to dethrone MinnieKing, but I think the recent Judy drama put a crimp in those plans.
I was thinking that maybe things would be more interesting if the orders were randomized every year/few months or so. Just something to maybe freshen things up and maybe inspire some feeling of competition for those that may or may not assisted the Sages in some way to take down this monster that we've built. Then again maybe things wouldn't change much at all and it would still be the same small group of people getting commendations, and the occasional commendable storygame in the mix.
Still it is nice being a Sage (the "winning team") and all, tbh. :D
I think another interesting (maybe not the best way, but certainly interesting) would be to assign each of the four active mods (I’m considering 3J to be active) an order, and then have everybody go back to choosing teams for kickball. One mod would go first, then another, and so on until all of the active members were chosen. Once all of the active/good members were chosen, everyone else would be randomized.
I think that would at least keep the Orders more even.
How about...top commenders choose instead? 3J disappeared >~<
Berka commends stories sometimes.
JJJ had said in the future that he might switch a few of the top ranking people in their various Orders, but again that would require him to actually be around.
Personally I always thought the commendations should be expanded to ALL stories, not just new ones and the admins should just have their own special Order being better than the rest of you and all.
It's somewhat odd and ironic that old comments prior to this commendation system can be featured and lead to someone being commended, but the stories that those comments are on aren't eligble for being commended themselves.
Such a strange thing, but maybe eventually it'll change so at least old featured stories or previously featured stories can be commended.
Then again, a current probable 'fix' or tweak to the current system in place can be making a featured comment give the same amount as a commendable post, that number being one. Or maybe even lowering it to the same amount of points that one gets from a featured comment in making it 2 commendations and 2 points for a featured comment. I think comments even being a single commendation less would probably balance things out, maybe.
Well, that's about all I have right now unfortunately. :/
This comment from this storygame should be featured. It also totally isn't mine and totally isn't a protest against the commendation system.
I found this game to interesting. It's purpose was to make the reader sad, for none of the endings were particularly jovial. Everything pointed the reader into a path of feeling glum. That's both what I like and don't like about this storygame.
What I like: It was saddening. Hopelessness pervaded the tale though it was set in a semi-fantasy setting. Heck, there was no silver lining on these clouds. They just poured rain down on my face.
What I Don't Like: The sadness felt shallow. I had no time to truly connect with the characters (due to the length). Additionally, the traitor bit was out of place. A character is executed for being a traitor (though was innocent). After the killing, a random character explains that randomly selecting characters for execution is common practice after battles. How does the protagonist not know? Why isn't there discontentment among the people? More importantly, is the masses can be fooled for only so long, so the executions should no longer even be effective in pacifying people's displeasure of the king.
Anyway, I did like the storygame, and the emotions it did me were high in comparison to its short length.
-- WIBN on 12/1/2017 2:08:32 PM65
Fuck it, the commendation system has failed. Gas the forums.
I've grown quite against what the commendation system has turned into. This's a somewhat amusing yet not harmful way of protest. :)
I think that this comment may be deleted. Doesn't address the book directly, so I see no point in keeping it.
-- corgi213 on 10/30/2015 11:32:08 PM
So here's my comment from a book which I think should be featured. Here's the link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/remember It was brutal, but the writer needed to see it.
Before I start ranting about all of the imperfections which your story has, I'll state the positives.
The book was eerie, and the story of the ghost girl is actually interesting. It leaves you hanging with questions, which again is a cliffhanger and doesn't provide the closure which readers like to see. I see where you were going with this story, but you didn't hit your mark.
Now the negatives. I found many mistakes which were constantly being repeated in your game. Punctuation was one of them.
Take this passage as an example. If you don't remember what your elementary teachers had taught you, I'll say it again. There must be punctuation in between the quotation marks. I don't see a period or a comma which is closing up that dialogue. This was constantly being repeated throughout your game which proved to be a major issue to me.
I put up my fists and gave a punch to her neck. She grabbed my arm and squeezed it until I couldn't fell a thing. She then pushed me to the ground and stomped on me until I bled to death
Well, there isn't a period at the end of your sentence so boohoo. The lack of detail really makes this game seem dull and lifeless, and that it is written by a second-grader. As you said that you were a teenager, you should have a more.. ah, refined english than younger children. Also, we want more details in your fight scene. It's so boring, we don't care. We want blood and gore. It isn't called horror for no reason at all!
Also, capitalization was a issue as well in this book. I'll briefly talk about it because you should know that you always capitalize PROPER nouns. "The Man nods his head." will be used as an example. You didn't tell us who this man is, so it wouldn't be capitalized because it ISN'T a PROPER noun.
The lack of detail, lack of development for the characters and the plot, no regard for punctuation or capitalization at all make me rate this a 1/8 or a 2/8.
This had potential, but you had ruined it. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but it is true. Focus on the negatives which I stated above and try to obliviate them. This is the brutal truth, and the truth that you need to hear. My sincere apologies if you take this to your heart.
-- DiniTheWizard on 12/17/2017 3:14:01 PM
The story isn't a 3 or above rating.
Oh. I forgot that the comments should be from a story-game rated 3.00 and higher. Carry on.
Recommending my comment for featuring on Saoirse. Now I know we aren't really supposed recommend comments on stories that don't have a rating yet, but this is for Steve's contest entry, so I don't really anticipate it being taken down.
Anyway, here it is.
This was a good one. I have just a few points that I'd like to make.
1. The first and last pages were excellent, but for different reasons. The first page was written extraordinarily well, and twas what motivated me to get through all of the backgrounds. (A point I'll speak about later) The last page Was perhaps the most touching part in the entire thing, or at least of what I read thus far. Everything in between was good, (great grammar, flow, etc.) but I don't think it was great. IT was enjoyable to read, but it wasn't the story's strong suit.
2. The characters were solid. I know a ton of them were real people and there wasn't really much you could do with that, but still, I only really ended up caring about what happened to my family. (And somewhat Michael Collins, but that's aside the point.) Thus, I followed Joseph with whatever decision he made, because I didn't want to end up killing him later on. Put simply, my character's family is what helped me immerse myself, and while I haven't read the Great War path, I doubt if I'll have anywhere near the same emotional attachment as when I followed Joseph wherever he went.
3. Despite all of this, there is one thing that makes all of this work. Quantity. The sheer amount of words really makes this story, and in nearly every aspect too. The story isn't about you playing as a character and trying to survive, rather, it's about experiencing the lives of the Irish in this trying time. The simple amount of different perspectives to be played really helped make the story what it is. The sheer length and amount of events to experience made the ending just that much sweeter. The longer time spent playing, the more sweet the ending gets.
4. The beginning of the story is where I imagine people might have the most trouble. I don't know about everyone else, but whenever there's a background link, I feel an obligation to read it. Because of this, the first page, and all of the links therein, is a daunting task. Obviously you needed to provide history, so that we'd know what was even going, but I guess that is simply the difficult part of making a story like this work. which kinda brings me to my next point...
5. This point is pretty nitpicky, but I found myself forgetting a lot of the background information, so I'd end up going back to read through it whenever it pertained to the plot. A journal like item might fix this, but it is a small detail. Just something to think about.
All in all, I really liked this. This is a near perfect story game in my eyes, for nearly everything was done right in the game. That being said, the nature of the story game is simply one that is a little less appreciated among the general populous I love history, therefore I liked it. Those who don't like history are inevitably going to like it less.
Either way, congratulations on a job well done. This is a great story made even better knowing that it was contest entry with time constraints.
-- EbonVasilis on 1/10/2018 1:25:31 AM with a score of 0
Does this appear as a hyper link?
Recommending comments for featuring, on The Ballad of the Winter King:
1) No longer seasonally appropriate, but still excellent. Definitely one of the better, if not the best poem-CYOA on the site. Outside of a few forced rhymes that didn't quite work ("pedestal" and "fall"), this was a pretty excellent example of poetry that works, and is fun to read.
The Winter King was properly creepy. I liked how Santa comes in at the end. The whole thing had a cool twisted fairy tale vibe; reminded me of the Krampus movie, or End's children's game. Also, the rhyming helped with the fairy tale vibe.
It was pretty short, but it was poetry, so I'm happy to cut it some slack, as it is way harder to write than regular prose.
I did think it was a bit lazy to re-use the same death verses, but that's a small mark against an otherwise stellar game.
All in all, this was well worth the read. Glad it was the first game I read in 2018.
-- Malkalack on 1/8/2018 12:23:54 AM
2) I really was quite stunned by this piece of poetry, as one seldom sees such quality!
Throughout the poem you kept to a very consistent meter, and were not afraid to use words such as "Twas" and "Tis" to do so - which was excellent. The result was an nicely balanced and regular rhythm, which gave the poem a sort of "flow" if you will - it sounded nice. The standard rhyming pattern used was also implemented very well, and I think it's impressive how few sentences sounded overly contrived in order to maintain the rhyming pattern. Some of the imagery used was absolutely beautiful - one of my favourites being "softly wept with snow" near the beginning. These fantastically evocative descriptions pervaded the entirety of the story. In particular the sparingly used of similes and metaphors were brilliant. I loved the closing couplet that at the end of the poem too, it's always nice to have a little twist to the regular structure! The plot also was good, and reminded me of a fairy-tale I had read when I was younger, but nonetheless seemed fairly original. The title's cool as well.
There were just a few things that could have been improved, and I feel that I'm being quite nit-picky here. There was slightly too much vocabular repetition throughout the poem. For example, certain adjectives were repeated twice (or even three times!) within the same stanza (e.g. "crooked" twice, "tiny" thrice etc.) Some adjectives were also repeated too often throughout the poem, which detracted a little from the imagery ("encased"). While I wouldn't recommend being glued to a thesaurus while writing a poem (or while writing anything for that matter), I think it would be a good idea to look for alternative adjectives sometimes.
There were also a few sentences which seemed a little contrived. Presumably this was to squash them into the meter and rhyming pattern. As is common when people try to do this, the word "did" was often artificially used as a consequence, e.g. "some shadows did convene", "some warning bells did ring" followed by "all warning bells did ring", "with bitter cold did wrack" etc. Some of these sound a bit awkward, and disrupt the flow of the poetry. I would like to paste some of the verses here and suggest alterations, but that would be a bit silly.
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation were generally fine with a few slips here and there ("blanket", not "blanked".) More noticeably (particularly later on) there were a few slips of punctuation at the end of stanza lines.
A very few phrases were ambiguous due to poor adjective application.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem, and found the descriptive style and rhythm very effective. It is obvious that quite some effort has been put into writing it (considering it's length and diversity at different junctions), and it is not overly linear (at least not for a work of this length). A fantastic contribution to the site.
-- llImperatorll on 1/9/2018 7:52:37 AM
1. a comment for featuring.
Storygame: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/post~2dapocalyptic-empire?. (will someone hyperlink this for me.)
Honestly it was short. It had a little under 1000 words and they were not that good to begin with. Also like stated before, every time you make a wrong choice you die. There is no branching what so ever. Why not write this as flash fiction? I mean for real, there was no point in making this story in this format when you could have wrote it somewhere else and you might have got a little praise from your family members. There was also a lot of spelling and grammar issues. I see it was your first story and you have gotten better, but I have no idea how you got a 3.53/8 rating.
I'm being nice here 2/8
-- MrAce on 1/18/2018 3:41:33 PM
Is this worthy?
I feel like it's too short.
To be fair there are shorter featured comments. And there are a lot of short ones.
Yeah, but those were all featured before people started getting 3 comms for featured comments.
Oh. I was wondering why people had featured comments but 0 comms
Sorry just seen this.
1. A story for unpublishing: <a href="http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-survive-part-1</a>
It is unfinished and has not recived any ratings for however long it has been published. It says that it will be continued and ends without a satisfying ending.
E: Screw it. I can't hyper link http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-survive-part-1
I thought it had been up a little bit. Thanks for the tip.
E: Anyone who wants to check it out here is the link
Category change: Forensic Toxicology
It's really more of an edutainment, insofar as you don't really solve anything, and the correct choices depend wholly on your understanding / correct guessing of forensic sciences lol
E: also feature my comment while you're at it
You will ride eternal shiny and chrome.
You will write eternal, creatively and focused.
I am awaited!
The following storygames should not have the "Previously Featured" tag as there's no indication of their ever having been featured:
The following storygames should have the "Previously Featured" tag as the author's point history indicates their having been featured:
Recommending a comment for featuring:
by me, motherfucker.
it's the only comment that's mroe than like, eight words, and bothers going into any amount of depth about what's a pretty shithouse game. miraculously, it's above a 3.
It's currently sitting at 2.65, after 28 ratings and 11 days. There's no story, plot, or characters, and the "gameplay" is incredibly simplistic. The author tried to improve it, but it's still absolutely shithouse, and it's clear that it's never getting any better.
Recommending a comment for featuring on my game:
Chris has published a game. I'm as shocked as anybody. People all over the site no doubt lost bets over this.
It's short, obviously, but well written and a plot covering the details of one night's escapades is a thing that works well in the superhero genre in particular.
The classy title art is a nice touch, although a side effect is that you can barely see the 'by Chris11034402348720984028402' link to start the game.
I know basically nothing about the character that you didn't bring up in your thread, but it was easy enough to follow along just with a hero doing typical hero-like things like punching bad guys in an abandoned warehouse. This whole little adventure basically reads like old school Batman if he'd suddenly lost all his toys. (And got worse at chemistry.)
Just a few thoughts on the plot setup in the beginning, basically a couple of ways this might have been expanded/made more logical/whatever: knowing immediately 'the syringe must have contained something lethal' and that he needed to find the antidote seems like a leap. My immediate assumption in a scenario like that wouldn't be that it was the kind of poison that needed an antidote, but just some random drug that knocked him out and needed time to wear off.
Maybe it could've been a specific drug he already knew something about by his time tracking the gang's activities? Or maybe searching the warehouse for clues could let him find the actual syringe still with traces in it that would let him do something in the lab to figure out what it was. Mixing the antidote is the only real 'puzzle' of the game and that whole section in the lab could've been longer and more involved. As it is, the 'need an antidote or you will die' premise and the tension of needing to hurry there was done away with after just a few clicks and then I was back to punching bad guys, which involves far more choices and ways to screw up.
Also, a note on a poker table seems like an unrealistic way for these guys to communicate btw, since presumably they have phones...so right now searching the warehouse itself is a bit pointless since you're already assuming they'll be in the apartments.
Anyway overall I enjoyed this and congrats on finishing a game! (You'll be happier to know it gets easier after the first one!) So I'm glad to see you've got some future projects planned now too. Even more one shot stories about The Question would be welcome, the fanfic category here is pretty weak and could use more decent additions. I know you had some issues with a few of the links on this one though so I'd recommend grabbing a proofreader in advance next time, or even asking for volunteers in your thread. Remember, there's never any rush to publish unless you're in a contest or something. What's one more day when it's already been four years? :P
-- mizal on 2/3/2018 4:10:45 AM with a score of 0
Recommending comment for deletion on Phoenix the Magic-Cat:
-- meh on 2/6/2018 9:58:01 AM with a score of 0
Preemptively recommending Sent's comment on my storygame TechNOIR for featuring. Once the ratings come in I hope it does. Here's the comment:
It was short, but there were lots of options, and holy crap am I a badass. The action was well-choreographed, with precisely as much description as there needed to be, and it flowed smoothly with the rest of the story. The worldbuilding was nice, and painted an interesting picture without going /too/ in-depth.
If I had one gripe, it's that the story wasn't quite as noir as it could've been. You could've fit more wordbuilding in in a poetic tone and nobody would have minded, because that's just how Noir flows. I can see you've kinda sorta been doing that at various points, but I don't think you've really been getting into the main character's head to share all those coarse, world-weary remarks with us that the archetypal Noir story would have.
It also would've been nice to have more buildup to the execution. A longer briefing, maybe introduce the person hiring us, that sort of thing. From an action standpoint, it was great, but it's the character development of the assassin as well as the poor sap he's about to shoot that makes a lot of assassin stories compelling. Say what you will about the Hitman series, it was never exactly pulitzer writing, but they were pretty good at making you want to kill certain people or question your choices afterward if they really wanted to.
Still, having room for improvement doesn't mean it wasn't freakin' sweet, and I'm glad to see you really putting in effort lately. Can't wait to see how things go from here.
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 2/13/2018 2:53:52 PM with a score of 3
And, while I'm at it, Ebon's comment too:
Let's get right into it.
This was definitely more game than story, and by virtue of that fact, it accomplished what a game like it should. So on the basest level I would say this game has close to no flaws, but the problem with this line of thinking ,however, is that just because a story has nearly no flaws; that doesn't mean it can't be improved upon. Normally in reviews I review the basic components of that story, and I'll pick them apart. All I'll be doing here, however, is suggesting improvements. You know, what the story could have been had you...etc. Basically I'll be explaining how this could be taken from a max 5/8 to a potential 8/8. Anyhow, I'll stop explaining how I'm going to do it and just do it.
Content: I think the world could really do with some fleshing out. I know it's a game without a ton of story, but fleshing out the world would make this loads more immersive. (Music set the mood pretty well by the way) More of a plot than just 'killing some guy in a club' would definitely take it up a notch or two. Setting could use some more fleshing out as well, but a little less, for the setting was already established pretty well.
Characters: We know next to nothing about all of the characters in this game. Again, it works because this is a very game oriented game, but showing us why we're assassins, or why our target needs to die would help. Without making the game too large, fleshing out the two of those characters would help the most. Adding more characters might be even better. Which brings me to my next point...
Difficulty: It was very easy. I got the worst and best endings within five minutes. It is simply so easy that I can't imagine many people spending more than 15 minutes on it. Increasing game length, branches, and difficulty would help a ton. Maybe have multiple missions? Or have puzzles to increase difficulty? Again, there are a ton of ways to do this. You need only choose the one most suited to you. (Didn't use either of the items at all)
All in all, it's a solid game. Could use some expansion, but was good for what it was. Well done.
-- EbonVasilis on 2/13/2018 3:25:43 PM with a score of 3
And last but certainly not least, Mizal's comment. That about does it for the three featured comments:
The punctuation could use some cleaning up, but the writing really works, short as the story is overall. Like Chris' last game this kind of tosses you into an in progress plot, but the atmosphere carries it and you don't really need to know the details of your mission or your character's life story to carry it out.
This one does some neat things in addition to the usual. The suggested soundtrack was a nice touch, and I really liked the concept of the 'suspicion meter' item, although it could have been integrated more into some kind of actual puzzle.
All the choices seem realistic enough, although a couple of times (well, one in particular...) the character is revealed to be a REAL DICK almost out of nowhere.
Anyway, here's a few notes I took as I went along:
The city is a flurry of neon lights and smog, thick, dark smog that chokes the surroundings and gives out lung cancer like there's no tomorrow. // I would have used a semi-colon after 'neon lights and smog'. Or found a way to rephrase the second half into its own sentence. It's a bit repetetive and the first section is a much stronger opening just on its own.
This suave assassin guy can't brush past someone without actually shoving her like a klutz and making a scene?
Actually on my first playthrough the guy just blasted his way past the guards, accidentally killed several guards and got wounded himself, then limped out 'content with a job well done'. So maybe 'suave' was the wrong assumption to make.
From the information given on the front page I assumed getting friendly with club girls would be a needless distraction, it wasn't until the next one I realized I needed to get into a VIP area (although the character already knew this) and I was basically locked into a brute force run and gun path at that point.
Holy shit. Went back and tried killing the stripper and, holy shit. What the hell kind of character am I playing here. D:
And about the punctuation, now:
As I said, there were some punctuation issues. Primarily with dialogue. Actually, everything I spotted was in the dialogue. Chris, you shouldn't feel bad because this is common with new writers, but I think it's time we have The Talk.
"Looking for a good time big guy?" She asks, placing a cold hand on your chest.
In this instance it should be:
"Looking for a good time, big guy?" she asks, placing a cold hand on your chest.
The dialogue tag is lower cased, as it's still part of the same sentence. (Note also that a comma goes before a name or nick name such as 'big guy' whenever someone is being addressed, although that's unrelated here.)
She flips you off, yelling. "Fuck you! You fucking homo fleshbag!" // There should be a comma after 'yelling'. Again, all one sentence.
"Thanks for the help, sweetheart," you say, drawing her closer. // This is correct, good job.
The basic rule of thumb is that anything that can be a sentence on its own is treated like one. If you'd dropped the 'you say' and just had a standalone action like, 'You draw her closer.' for instance, the dialogue previous to it would end in a period. Otherwise, in any situation with a 'he/she/you say(s)/ask(s) or other stand-in, use the comma (or exclamation point or whatever) and the tag stays lower cased.
I'm not going to paste every line of dialogue with an error here but it would be worthwhile going through on another edit pass.
All in all this was a quick, fun read, and yes I know the thing everyone keeps pointing out is that they're short, but a story should be only as long as it needs to be and in this case the length was a good fit for the plot. The pacing was better here than in the last game anyhow as there weren't any issues like the discrepancy between the laboratory and apartment segments. You seem to have gotten your linking and scripting issues sorted ahead of time too, I assume with Tim's help. Anyway, good job on this and keep 'em coming.
-- mizal on 2/13/2018 8:48:20 PM with a score of 3
Suggesting comments for deletion on Snow:
I like burgers
-- Bob's Burgers on 1/28/2018 5:27:17 PM with a score of 0
-- Jada on 11/16/2017 4:53:50 PM with a score of 0
-- jnvcruz on 7/4/2017 12:16:04 PM with a score of 0
This one is a bit different. It's the second comment I ever posted here (before I'd ever been on the forums or published anything). Here's WIBN from over two years ago to hopefully take off October's feature on Farewell, My Childhood Self. I also can't help but chuckle a bit.
Many of these types of Choose Your Own Adventures are linear in the sense that the choices throughout the story create specific endings; however, this story is wonderfully different. The choices, to me, felt like the narrator was simply thinking of his many memories with Sophia (which is probably the intention). Each section's choices were not tied into the next section.
I loved the tone of this story as well. It seemed like the happy memories of something tainted by sorrow which is something everybody does. The narrator never became depressed, but I always could feel his melancholiness on the matter (due to the story's end). I also liked the way that you portrayed the two. Their relationship seemed to be simultaneously as friends, as brother/sister (not genetically), and romantic. It is much better than "he likes her 'cuase she's pretty".
The plot was wonderful. I was able to experience these two growing up together which made the endings (I am trying to stay spoiler free) all the more sad. I normally have an ending that I like the most, but this is the only story in which I am unable to do so. They were simply to great to choose from, and each had their own benefits and drawbacks.
Finally, I did notice that people say that the story is blatantly sad... I do not really see it that way. The endings are about to happen, and our narrator has to choose which one he wants. I feel that he was merely sad about his situation which bled into his narration of his and Sophie's past. Furthermore, I LOVED the pictures. I felt they added to the story and looked spectacular, though not everybody likes the style you selected...
This is definitely one of my favorite stories of this genre.
-- WouldntItBeNice on 1/24/2016 6:25:34 PM with a score of 0
Recommending comment for deletion on Three Hundred Thousand Tears:
-- ChaosBearer on 12/25/2017 10:47:30 PM with a score of 0
Despite the lack of spaces between sentences and a few typos here and there, I'm recommending a comment for featuring on Wibbons' contest entry:
This was a great story, especially for the Christian here and there.It was a very interesting story, though I do admit it could of been much longer.But it did do much better with the endings, each choice was a chance closer to a different ending.While it was to short for an emotional stance to take place, like maybe Eternal for example,it still had that level descriptive writing, as for it being for a competition entry, I’m expecting it to do close to great.I still stress, if it was a bit longer it would probably have either honorary or a place in the top 3 places.
I would hope that maybe you could, make a sequel, though that would be hard with the multiple endings.If you found a way through this loop-hole you could have yourself a great series, maybe you could take off from a specific ending of you choosing.It was also a concept not used as much as others, religious.A religious concept is especially diverse as there are multiple, but since Christianity is the biggest it would probably do have the best performance.It also followed the starting dilemma sort of stories, throwing your audience right into the heat.Including a bible verse here and there was a great way to show it was a chrisitian storygame, you even used Ancient Of Days which shows you researched a cheat sheet, or took the time to do your own.
Now I know this is a romantic type of story,but I must stress again.Length.I didn’t get in enough to grasp their romance, their wasn’t enough time or space to get comfortable in the world you created with just a words.If you made it a bit longer you could of definetly make the emotions flow, or you could make a sequel and slowly raise their own story.Depends on your style of writing I guess.I should probably end it here.Altogether great story game and concept, If it was longer it would’ve even greater.-6/8
-- Mistery on 3/7/2018 5:04:39 AM with a score of 0
Because I'm vain, I'm suggesting my comment on The Wal*Mart Game! for featuring:
The game is fun, but holy hell is it hard. Eventually I had to resort to using the walkthrough. The game uses the items in a fun and unique way, and by the end of it all you'll have an arsenal of seemingly everyday items that you can use in creative ways to dispatch terrorists or solve problems.
Still, fun as the game is, it's not very well written. I noticed more than its fair share of typos and grammatical errors. Not to mention that it's kind of tedious doing some things, like having to check the lawn and garden section multiple times near the end in order to tell the manager you thought of something or check on the bomb.
Still, this game is a true CYS classic, and I really enjoyed it. 6/8.
Now to get that damn UberEnding...
-- Chris113022 on 3/16/2018 9:13:04 PM with a score of 350
Suggesting lkiriakos' comment for featuring on my game Dark Nights, over Mistery's comment:
Your story reads like a comic book, which is both good and bad.
Your page with the illustration was my favorite... It was easy to picture (obviously), but that also made the interaction and dialogue more entertaining. The other pages suffered from a lack of detail (and I found myself wishing there were pictures – although I realize that would require massive effort).
Occasionally the logic of the scene was off (for example, why would a recently-escaped fugitive threaten to call the cops; and, for that matter, why aren’t we arresting him seeing as how he just escaped?... also, why did she take “I didn’t do it” for an answer after all the work to reach the guy she was questioning?).
The action was fun. You have a great knack for entertaining and comic-book-esque choices. They were full/complete actions (rather than just “punch” vs “duck”) that were varied... and there was (usually) a clear logic behind which choice was going to be better (without it being too obvious). There were though probably too many specifically “fight” action choices in a row; so, at some point, I just wanted to skip rather than figure out how I wanted to hit the next bad guy. Maybe some choices around how to hack the computers could be added? Also, some seduction/lust-oriented decisions (like whether or not to peek at the Huntress taking the shower (i.e. you notice a crack in the door)/whether or not to make a pass at her/whether to compliment her personality vs her looks etc.) would have added some more dimension to the types of choices (*spoiler apart from the dance choice, which was unexpected and a nice surprise... but would have preferred that we actually did get to dance... to add another scene with romantic emotion).
*spoiler The twist at the end of the unrequited love scenario was unexpected (and pretty funny as a result). I actually liked that he was so over-the-top spiteful because it gave the main character some internal conflict/dimension (which had been lacking). Probably if there were hints of this sooner (perhaps flares of pre-emptive anger when you are sleeping on the couch? Being angry because she refuses a kiss despite you “having been helping her so much" so "she owes you” at the mid-way point?) it would add nicely to the main character’s depth.
Overall, it was very good. If it had more pictures (or, you spent more time explaining the details of each scene... especially with regards to what I’m seeing, feeling, and thinking at the moments of the most intense drama and emotion), I would rate it higher. Thanks for the fun read!
-- lkiriakos on 4/5/2018 3:01:06 PM with a score of 0
Bucky's review of Isotope-239.
Mizal was right. You have potential. But right now you're basically raw clay, with practice and more experience your writing will substantially improve.
Like many writers, you have a tendency to rely on passive voice and telling rather than showing. Sometimes you fall into odd bits of unnecessary repetition. Here is a brief excerpt from a random page in your story:
His legs being restrained by the leather constraints are just the icing on the cake. He's irritated and squinting up at you, whether from the light or because he can't see however you can't tell.
You're in passive voice in the first sentence. Key words that suggest you're using passive voice: was, is, are. When you find yourself slipping into passive voice, rewrite those sentences using stronger verbs and nouns. Good stories are carried by strong verbs and nouns and an active voice. Use adjectives and adverbs sparingly.
The character is being restrained by constraints? You don't say. I once saw a tree made of wood. Trust me, your readers aren't dumb. If something is obvious, they don't need it spelled out for them.
He's irritated is telling. Telling is lazy writing. Show us that he's irritated, don't tell us.
As the man strains in vain against the leather straps, his eyes narrow, staring up at you in the dim light. He mouths something that you cannot quite hear. You lean closer. And a glob of spit strikes you in the eye.
Here, we're showing the man's frustration and painting a clear scene for the reader to picture in the mind's eye. A key part of storytelling is painting pictures with vivid imagery that the reader can see for themselves. Also, showing the event creates action and tension, which help drive the story forward and keep things exciting.
I look forward to your next story. Don't be afraid to utilize the Writing Workshop to get feedback on excerpts, pilot pages, and other story advice.
Well I was waiting until it actually had a proper rating first rather than a "?" before featuring any comments, but after looking at the other ratings, looks like it'll be over a 3.
E: Or maybe wait until the ratings come in considering, y'know, the story was just published today.
Recommending my comment for featuring on the Androidic Purge:
This story is fine. Grammatically it's pretty alright, a few errors (all involving dialogue tags) but nothing too bad. I like cyberpunk settings with a looot of prejudice, and this didn't disappoint. It seemed like a more kid-friendly cyberpunk setting.
One thing I did notice was that the purging of androids is... Well, it makes no sense. This one guy makes a speech, so suddenly every human hates androids and tries to kill them all? That's just lazy. There has to be some humans who still sympathize with androids and aren't following along with this. Maybe you plan on expanding this in the regular book series or a future installment, but right now it's just a tad ridiculous.
Speaking of the villain, there's no real motivation there. He just doesn't like androids. What did we ever do to him? We just co-exist with humans, what made everyone start hating us other than this guy's speech? Were there tensions beforehand? People scared, or even envious, of androids and looking to eliminate them? That's something that should have also been expanded upon.
Regarding dialogue tags, which I mentioned above, when writing dialogue there's rules. Here's some examples:
"Blah blah blah, I'm talking." He says. // Incorrect.
"Blah blah blah, I'm talking." he says. // Also incorrect.
"Blah blah blah, I'm talking," he says. // Correct. 'He says' is part of the same sentence as the dialogue, so there's a comma instead of a period and the word 'he' isn't capitalized. The same applies for questions and exclamations.
"Blah blah blah, I'm talking." He turns around and starts reading a book. // In this, the speaker does something and the story specifies that without noting that he just said the last line. So, this is a new sentence, and therefor you wouldn't continue the line of dialogue with this.
With items, I'd also suggest making it so we can't continue without them. This can be done by setting an item restriction on the link where you receive the items, and setting the restriction to 'has'. Otherwise someone could just ignore it and continue on.
Overall, I see some potential and lots of room for improvement. Stick around, maybe read a couple of articles about writing stories. I'd like to see more from you. (PS, I read the description of the other story you have in sneak preview... Don't leave paths unfinished. We HATE unfinished games being published on the site just because the author was too lazy to finish it.)
My final rating for this game is a 4/8.
-- Chris113022 on 4/10/2018 9:15:31 PM with a score of 0
Mizal's Deus Vult. So epic that I've read it thrice.
I think I must have just featured this one before you posted this.
All of the main entries in Mizal's Be Inspired Meatbags. Some good shit in there. (Yes, including Ebon's) :")
It was random, JJJ said he didn't want people picking their own orders because it wouldn't work.
Still didn't work out as intended obviously.
You, sir, are an excellent critic.
Hers was too short, though AzBaz's comment seemed good enough for featuring.
Fuck it, I'm featuring this comment and there isn't the slightest bit of irony involved.
Wait a minute, in three of the possible endings you avoid rape, but you’re still friendly with the rapist which means you’re just going to potentially get date raped when you go out with him again later since he’s the one that was trying to drug the drink in the first place.
You should have had further choices where you go out with this guy again or even put into other potential dangerous situations.
I mean this is a complex issue and there are all sorts of ways this sort of danger should be explored to avoid being raped. Lives are at stake.
As it stands there are four endings and only one of them leads to rape. So while this project had good intentions, it seems like a really big missed opportunity to make a larger story with more opportunities to get date raped.
-- EndMaster on 5/21/2018 11:59:42 AM
And while we're at it...
The most illuminating story in the edutainment section.
Hell, this was even written a few months before the #MeToo movement really got rolling, obviously you are an unsung pioneer in your struggle against toxic masculinity and the patriarchy.
I found this story to be a much better example of dealing with getting date raped than the Date Rape laws and Prevention one. You had lots of scenarios, choices and opportunities for getting dated raped which is really what you want in a story like this.
I also continued to be impressed with how you even had a little fun with the topic while also teaching and stressing the importance of personal responsibility.
You have displayed an incredible amount of ethical writing responsibility by showing the dangers of date rape and have made the world a better place with this story.
-- EndMaster on 5/21/2018 12:29:33 PM with a score of 0
There you go.
Story in Question JFP
COMMENT TO BE FEATURED
Oh. My. Gosh… That was the hardest story game I have ever played! At first I was kind of bored and confused, because it seemed like there was no end, or point to the game, but then I found the first Item and things started to get really interesting! And then after realizing that the story game has only been finished 17 times out of 6288 plays, I was determined to conquer it! What is interesting about this story game is that, many of the story games that I have played on this site are either purely story based, or story based games. This differs in that it is less of a story and more of an experience, one that is incredibly captivating to live through. Don’t get me wrong, I love stories…But this was refreshing in that it allowed you to create your own story in a way that is unique. I can’t imagine the amount of work and dedication that went into this, and I am very thankful that I have been able to explore and uncover a very small part of this amazing journey. I can’t wait to see what I’ll discover next!
-- temp on 7/13/2015 11:06:11 PM with a score of 1444649
I accidentally posted my review twice due to me the server being terrible, please delete the duplicate.
That's usually why corgi's comments get passed over in favor of others because he's always got a wall of fucking text.
Anyway, yeah I guess it's fine.
Lol will do guys
Had to delete a bunch of repeat comments by RG. Site must have lagged and he clicked the send button multiple times.
Alright, troll in the forums if you need your giggles, but let's avoid the plagiarist accusations in the story comment section (Unless they're actually doing it). Especially considering we tend to ban plagiarists around here.
Having said that, go ahead and call Wibbons a faggot or something.