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Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

This is how it works:

Recommending a comment for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a tag change for a storygame (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for a change in maturity level or difficulty level (1 point for each)
Recommending a storygame for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing (1 point)
Recommending a comment for deletion (1 point)

To get points for recommending something, I have to agree with you and newly created storygames are not eligible point earners.  

Three Most Important Things when recommending anything:

1. Reply to THIS thread to THIS post

2. A hyperlink to the storygame

3. Number ALL your suggestions

Recommending a comment for featuring:

- The story should at least have a rating of 3.0

- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
- If there are already 3 featured comments on the storygame, you also have to let me know whose comment you think should be replaced.
- If I agree, you will get 1 point and the person whose comment is featured will automatically get 2 points. If you are recommending your own comment, you don't get the extra point. (You’re already getting Commendation points as well!)

Recommending a comment for deletion:

- The comment that you think deserves deletion (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)

Examples of what to suggest

Spammy punctuation and lettering: Nice Job!!!!!!! or NOOOOOOO!!!!! I DIIIIIIED!

Short comments that don’t address the story content directly or clearly: “Wow” “Poop” "I won!" “Hi” “:)”

If someone says something like “Nice”, "Cool", "It sucks" or “Bad” we can leave it.

Obviously long comments that don’t do this either are also up for deletion, but it’s usually easier to see since they're probably rambling on about a Nigerian Prince or something similar so there shouldn’t be too much of an issue with ambiguity.

Incomprehensible comments: “sfekrbnmdse”

Duplicate comment: Self explanatory.

Flaming the Author: Honestly, I’m actually all for flaming the author if their story was bad enough, but I understand most of you don’t thrive off pure hatred for some strange reason. So if someone is just calling the author names, it can go.

Note: Do not recommend comments on EndMaster stories for deletion. He usually monitors his stories’ comments anyway.

Recommending a tag change for a storygame

- All of the tags you believe the story should have

Recommending a category change for a storygame

- The category you believe it should be in
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a change in maturity or difficulty level for a storygame

- The change you think should be made
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a storygame for featuring

 - A short rationale for why

Recommending a forum thread for deletion

- A short rationale for why

Recommending a storygame for unpublishing

- A short explanation of why [specifically, you must describe how it fails to meet minimum site standards]

  • After receiving at least 10 ratings and being published for at least 3 days, the storygame is rated 2.4 or less. (Though this is flexible if it's particularly bad and still in the 2.5-2.9 range)
  • The storygame has all of the following characteristics:
    • Grammar and style poor enough that it cannot be ignored
    • A plot which is poor or nonexistent
    • Poor pacing (usually characterized by frequent and unpredictable end game links)
    • A lack of important decisions
    • Unbelievable or overly cliched dialogue (if dialogue is present in the story)
  • The storygame has "dead" pages- pages with no links or way to proceed.
  • The storygame's central concept is pornographic in nature
  • The storygame is not a storygame and is instead intended to fulfill a goal such as communicating with another member (including all inside jokes) or advertising a product.
  • The storygame is explicitly described by the author as a "troll" game, or intentionally poor quality.
  • Any unfinished story.
    • What qualifies a story as "unfinished?"

1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo."

2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later.

Games that say they are the first in a series are not automatically considered "unfinished." As long as the game itself is complete, even if the author never returned to write a sequel, it is not up for unpublishing.

If you don't follow protocol, there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points. Following protocol expedites the process.

To summarize: post here (for the most part) with recommendations for who I should reward / what I should change and I'll reward you with points. 

Take a second to check the posts above you and see if someone else has already made the recommendation. Remember, newly created Storygames are not eligible for tag/category/comment points.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Don't blame me, you guys slacked off and let her get over 100. Lol.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Hey, that's an excellent title. ^-^

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

F*ck alright I'll try later... At some point


Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I'm trying to enjoy my spring break and not worry about commendations. I'll come back later.


Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Ignore commendations for a week? Hm. I don't reccommend that.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Wow, I leave for a week and some idiot let MK come and take over. 

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Nah, Thara put up a pretty good fight. She still is, in fact.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending storygame for unpublishing:

veangance quest 

Reasoning: "This is a new page." The misspelled title aside, this isn't a very good storygame.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Ah, I almost feel bad about this next one... Oh well, it's better me than someone else that does it. I'm not sure on whether or not I should be saying sorry or you're welcome (?) In this instance.

Well, without further ado

Recommending storygames for unpublishing:

Cross a Canyon 

Reasoning: The ratings are low enough, and well...

To those who are saying that it is short and pointless:

Twelve year old Chris was an idiot. I really have no clue why any of these stories are still up to be honest, and I really don't want them to be up anymore. So please, take this into consideration. 

~14 year old Chris

-- Chris113022 on 1/13/2016 11:17:09 PM with a score of 0


Secrets of Target 

Reasoning: This game doesn't do a very good job with the random humor aspects, as it's full of some rather nonsensical deaths/gameovers. Also, low ratings, poor writing, grammar, etc. Blah, blah.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Looks like we're getting more of the older games popping up for unpublishing. Must be that front page randomizer that's helping bring more attention to those that were on the edge of being purged.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

It's hard for certain games to stand the test of time it seems. Well, at least stand up to the new system that's in place. Although, I'm not sure on how some games even lasted back then. I mean some of the games that have been recommended have had poor grammar, sometimes no choices, led us on a wild goose chase for the end game link, or literally no uppercase letters. Lel.

I maybe omitting some things here, but I can only assume that things were a bit more lenient.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago
I don't believe stories getting removed for being awful was even a thing before the WC purge, and even then it was only for stuff that was absolutely dire. It was awhile before the community was ready to acknowledge the 2 star stories were just as bad.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago
Recommending comments for deletion on A tale of love and hate..
  1. Awwwwww -- JJ
  2. I got the path where Helen and Ferdinand got married -- Stormclaw
  3. whatta hay whatta hay its cool -- nightslackerALT
  4. Please leave your comments and criticism, good or bad. It will help me improve my next stories. Thank you. :-) -- Indigirl
Reason: Short comments that don’t address the story content directly or clearly. I am not sure about the last one, so you can decide if it can stay.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

She probably could have put it in the description, but I'll leave the author's comment.

It's certainly better than when the WC Fans would constantly say repeatedly in their comments section "ONLY POSITIVE COMMENTS PLS! OMG STOP BEING MEAN!"

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I blame society and misandry.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Damn, I want a thread dedicated to me >~<

Congrats to Thara, now i'm gonna go write as many feature worthy comments as I can before my fingers break.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago
I guess it was inevitable that the Sages to fall into battling one another, what with all the other Orders consisting of pathetic whimpering slaves.

Minnie, you seem like someone with endless amounts of free time. I believe in you. BRING ME THARA'S HEAD.

Or, I guess Steve could just finish his story...

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

This will be fun.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago
Recommending a story for unpublishing: The Black Hand Reason: The storygame has "dead" pages- pages with no links or way to proceed.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for featuring

The Arrival

Heh. I found it humorous, but short. Like one of those books people enjoy, but they have only 100 pages in them and then they're like, "What? That's it?!" 

The fact that it's a mystery aspect story made it very interesting, especially with the whole wolf/dog perspective thing. I found it very creative and impressive you were able to put those together and have a quality storygame come out of it. 

Sadly, it did have some downsides, such as being very easy since the choices didn't seem to effect the story much, only the end choices did for me (unless I refused to help with the case). Branching is key for storygames, remember! 

I can't tell you how much I thought this was warrior cats at first. The first few words were about joining the pack, and I was literally about to die thanks to it. I'm very glad that wasn't the case. xD 

There were also spelling mistakes, although I spotted little to no accidental ones, but there were ones that I imagine were on purpose (such as "stahp"), but a spelling error is a spelling error to me. 

Overall, the storygame, despite being incredibly short was fun to me in a way, but more character development would have been nice, especially for a mystery storygame like this one. 

I'm gonna say 4/8, pretty good.

-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 12:54:35 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

More comments for featuring. This is the last one i'll post tonight, promise.


To replace Aducans comment.

Ok, I suppose. 

The utter randomness of the storygame really threw me through a loop, because some parts I could barely understand. It was that random. Some of the illogical parts might not have been on purpose, such as hearing your own skull break. I'm not sure you'd be able to hear your own skull break from compression, honestly. 

It wasn't the longest storygame i've ever seen, but there's quite a few links and more then a few sentences on each page. I'm very glad it wasn't just another one of those crappy two click win or lose games. 

Sadly, I didn't spot much detail or character development, or even much decent emotion for that matter. I mean, even if there was any emotion, the large amounts of random humor sorta took away from it in my opinion. 

That aside, I did enjoy some parts of the storygame, because I love a bit of randomness once in a while, but not a lot. 

It was incredibly linear, and I felt like I was reading a paragraph from one book, then reading another from a completely unrelated book and trying to figure out how I got from one to the other. 

Overall, many downsides, but a fun read. 3/8.

-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 1:19:00 AM 

Surviving the EBD Classroom

Yeah, I would read more from this author :) 

I loved playing as the teacher, because nearly every school based storygame I have played on the site is from a students perspective. This was a very interesting change in point of view, and definitely allowed a more creative piece of writing then I was expecting. 

I felt like some of the options had more writing on them then the actual pages at some points, but I suppose a teacher has to make decisions like those if they want to survive a class full of monstrous kids :) 

I wasn't impressed with the length, but I was entertained for the short time I was reading it. It was actually really realistic, and I can see a very clear picture of what this classroom was like. There was a bit of character development here and there, which was a nice thing to have. 

There was a lack of branching, sadly. Remember, this site is dedicated to choose your own story adventures, not stories with little branching, but it was still very enjoyable. 

It was also easy to win, but I don't think it was meant to be a challenge :) 

4/8, well done, I liked it.

-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 1:32:49 AM

Friday Night

It felt like one of those super cheesy, cliche sitcoms centered around nothing but edgy teenagers. 

But I did enjoy it, and I found there to be more then a few links on each page and quite a lot of detail and writing, and that made my rating rise quite a bit. 

There is more character development then I normally see in storygames, which was really refreshing. I was glad to find characters who I can actually feel emotion and sympathy for. 

I found there to be not a lot of branching, but definitely some. There were multiple endings, and I enjoyed getting all of them. 

I think the storygame had more chances to be better fleshed out, because dark situations like the ones I can tell the characters had been through were important. More backstory really would have been great for this storygame :) 

Honestly, I find this storygame very underrated. I'm impressed. 5/8.

-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 1:46:59 AM

The Grinch who Stole Christmas

Wow... I never thought i'd say this, but that was an enjoyable math quiz. 

Very creative, I must admit that I don't think anyone else on this site has the ability to make a math test that I would find as enjoyable as this one. While the math was incredibly simple, the situations really gave it a nice element in my opinion. 

It wasn't short, with quite a number of questions. But you literally can't fail, since if you make a wrong choice it simply makes you go back. A harsher penalty might be nice. That may not have been the best thing to do in my opinion, but I think it helps make this a great storygame for young children. 

I liked the pictures, because while they were very simply sketched, they related quite well to the storygame and gave me more of a picture of what was happening since the writing failed to do so. But that's not a bad thing, I imagine it would be hard to make a fleshed out math test xD 

Nice work, i'll give this a 4/8. Santa is a fatass by the way :P

-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 1:56:54 AM 

Oh yeah, and one for unpublishing.

Pride and Prejudice Mystery

reason: plagiarism.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

The night's over. More comments for featuring.

Dragon Ages

To replace 3Js comment.

1) I didn't like it. 

First of all, it was incredibly short and I noticed about one sentence per page halfway through, which leads me to believe you felt the need to rush it and publish it as soon as possible. Spend more time on your storygames, please. 

There was really no branching, I saw that each page had about three links on them, but guess what? Only one of them would progress me in the game. Every path led to death one or two clicks in, or it would take me back a page. It's annoying, because this is Choose Your Story, not Try To Randomly Determine Which Link Won't Kill You. 

It was badly fleshed out, I noticed almost no detail and the situations seemed quite illogical. 

You need to put more effort into your storygames, because you want to make something you can be proud of. Reading this, I don't think you should be proud of it. This storygame can be fixed if you add more detail, an actual plot, a better setting, a longer storygame in general, etc. 

2/8, try harder.

-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 2:52:41 PM

Bob and his Adventure

2) 3J was right about this story, it's way better then the title makes it seem. 

I liked how it seemed strange, but turned out to be a fun storygame to play. While it was linear and the plot seemed to be quite... unoriginal and generic, I would read more from you if you were to brush up on adding detail to your storygames and using better plots :) 

The writing overall wasn't exactly bad, it was just lacking a lot of motivation. Remember, don't force your writing or else the outcome might not be as nice as you'd like it to be. 

More character development and emotion would has been great, because I felt the characters were just generic figures who I know little to nothing about. 

It wasn't the shortest storygame i've ever read, but you could have added a few more sentences. I found there to be about one paragraph per page and a number of links. 

I feel like you had trouble taking a plot and sticking to it, because it felt very linear and jumped from one situation to another quite quickly. 

3/8, not bad.

-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 2:56:20 AM

The Bloods Chapter One

3) I really didn't like it as much as I should have, sorry. 

The writing was really good, although a bit choppy at some points. Although I can't exactly see a clear picture of what's going on, I can use what details you provided to visualize the situations my character is in. 

What caught me off guard was the fact that it's incomplete. I understand there was going to be multiple chapters, but that didn't happen and it's been years. So now, we have an incomplete story that I have no idea what happened in after the end of chapter one. 

Another reason I disliked what you did with the whole multiple chapters idea was that, while it wasn't, it felt like a demo. 

Like awesomeness1242 said, please work on your past tense/present tense writing, because a story doesn't make any sense when you change it like that. Even if you meant to switch between them, it sounds weird when they switch in the middle of a storygame. For example: 

"Bob gets up, then he went downstairs." 

It just doesn't sound right and it makes no sense. 

I think you had a neat plotline here, and a good main idea for the storygame, but there were opportunities to flesh it out more. And more detail would have been nice :) 

I'll say 3/8.

-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 2:08:58 PM

Tastes like Chicken

4) Well, I did enjoy the humor in this and the writing did a good job of capturing my attention. While it wasn't the longest story i've read, it was certainly enough to keep me entertained for a while. 

I loved the character development, such as the king being greedy, the firebird being cautious, etc. Some of the situations seemed rather illogical, but I still liked the storygame a lot. 

I enjoyed myself enough to play multiple times and find all the endings, and I was very glad there was plenty of branching in this storygame. It was a nice alternative to another one of those games with zero branching. 

The plot, i'll admit, I did not have high hopes for. But you managed to flesh it out quite well and you really painted a picture for me, despite there not being a lot of detail. 

I did notice a lack of emotion in this story, but I don't think that was needed for a storygame like this one. 

I really enjoyed myself, but there's room for improvement. 6/8.

-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 2:31:07 PM with a score of 0

My life as a Magician

5) Where to begin? 

The spacing could have certainly been better. I felt like each page just had a large block of writing on it, and it would have been better if you'd spaced it out into multiple paragraphs insead of one chunk. 

Playing from the perspective of a magician was rather interesting, and it made for a creative piece of writing. 

You certainly could have added more detail to the story, and the lack of detail produced a not poorly fleshed out story. I also felt like the situations were rather linear and unrealistic. 

There was a small amount of character development here, but not a lot. The small amount sorta made me want more of it, and the storygame failed to deliver. 

You could have done a better job with the setting, because I don't know a lot about it other then it's a school. 

Descriptive writing is always key, remember! :) 


-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 7:10:08 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Fixed, sorry, forgot to number my suggestions.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Sorry if it seems like i'm spamming these, but i'm commendation hungry. This'll be my last list of comments for featuring for a while.

Extinction of the Neanderthals

1) Interesting. 

I found the storygame creative, and I liked how it was based on theories of evolution. I'll be honest, the writing wasn't exactly 10/10, but it was fleshed out well enough in my opinion. :) 

There wasn't exactly a lot of detail, but there was enough for me to enjoy it. Since this is based on theories and the past, details would have been really good for this storygame. 

It was pretty well written, but there was a lot of room for improvement. More detail would have been really nice, and character development was lacking a bit. The setting and plot, I liked. 

There wasn't much emotion going on in this story, and it was hard for me to get a feel for the characters and try to relate to their emotion. 

The pictures were a really good addition, because they helped me get more of a picture of what these things looked like when the writing didn't provide enough detail. 

3/8, good job but not the best.

-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 8:00:30 PM

Kick Doras Butt!

2) Hmm... I think I may have overrated this the first time I played this. 

Looking back on it, I think I rated this more because I found it funny rather then quality writing. The storygame I still find funny, but now I find it to be a lot less quality then before. 

I do hate Dora, and I still love the fact that you made a storygame centered around it. Although some of the situations seemed rather illogical, such as a fat little scumball with no muscle who's about ten years old somehow managing to throw me off the train and under train tracks as I try to carve her face off with a knife. 

The ending made no sense honestly. Not to me at least :P 

It was very short, and only took me about two minutes to complete. I think more detail would be great for this storygame because it seemed very linear and poorly thrown together. 

And like Sent said, the name calling made this storygame rather amusing xD 

I feel like you used humor as a replacement for well developed characters, and remember, character development is always crucial. I understand Dora is an evil bitch, but nothing beyond that. I know I hate Dora, and nothing more. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 8:31:48 PM with a score of 0

Homo Perfectus: Mind Games

3) This was quite fun to play through. But... 
I just don't feel like this can compare to the other installations of Homo Perfectus. While the storygame had a great length, I saw a big lack of detail in some parts and a lot of detail in other parts. 

I was expecting more detail, really, and this story had more then a few spelling errors. 

I enjoyed it but not as much as the other Homo Perfectus's, and errors such as using an ability on one page brings me to a page where I used a completely different ability caused me to rate it lower then I would have. 

The writing was good, and I can tell it's from the same author, but this just didn't meet the expectations I had. 

It had its ups and downs, but i'm glad you published it, but I wish you'd spent a little more time proofreading and testing. 

5/8, it was not the best, but definitely not the worst :)

-- MinnieKing on 3/10/2017 2:04:56 PM with a score of 0


Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Fixed, I really need to remember to number my suggestions o_o

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for Featuring it wasn't planned at all i don't agree with any of it this is madness and craziness

Secret Santa Story

This was far better then I was expecting. I can't believe I haven't written a comment for this yet. 

I really liked the flow of this storygame, not just because of the clever rhyming, but the words just went well together and sounded smooth in my opinion, as if I were reading a poem from a professional author. 

I didn't think it was too short, because I can understand that the plot you used sorta has a limit. I enjoyed finding all the endings and reading throth the multiple paths. 

I didn't actually notice very much wrong with this, because it's creative, different, descriptive, fun, entertaining, etc. 

I was a bit confused at some points as to what was going on, but overall, I found this to be quite incredible. 

The plot and setting made it all the better, because the way you wrote gave me a very clear idea of what all this was like :D 

6/8. Nice work!

-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 8:55:37 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Do I get fanart?

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending a storygame for unpublishing

1. This one should be unpublished since it has a 2.49 rating, dozens of grammar errors,and is a general piece of crap.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Fresh batch of comments for featuring :D

Escape School

(I left two of the same comment on this one, but just to fix a spelling error.)

1) This was insanely random and linear. I didn't enjoy it in all honestly. 

The first decision is death VS progression, and that just doesn't seem right. I mean, do you really want someone to take one glance at your story, click a single link, leave the game, rate it poorly, and think nothing more of it? 

This was incredibly random, and the first death page was basically: "you eat a cupcake and choke, then see it has yellow powder in it. You die and now you're a ghost trying to find out who killed you." 

That seems very random and incredibly linear. There was slightly more description then I mentioned, but it was still quite short and random.

Then there was the spacing. I felt some paragraphs would have been neater and more organized if they'd been spaced out. 

The writing has potential, but the plot really makes little sense to me, and it feels rather cliche.

I did enjoy some parts of it, but a lot of it wasn't enjoyable in my opinion. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 12:30:57 AM

Alone in a Forest

2) As soon as I read the first page I thought I wouldn't enjoy this. The wording of it just felt strange and choppy, and the plot was introduced rather sloppily. 

However, as I started reading, I began to enjoy myself. I'll admit that the writing didn't hit me as an 8/8 masterpiece, but this had a certain charm to it that kept me entertained :) 

I liked the animal perspective thing, especially as being a mouse. It really gives an interesting point of view because of many things about mice, such as being small. 

I feel like you tried to add emotion (such as feeling lonely), but despite that, it wasn't fleshed out very well. Detail and character development are like the cupcake, and the emotion is the frosting. You can't exactly expect readers to feel emotion for a character they know hardly anything about other then their species. 

There wasn't a lot of branching, but there was a little I suppose. 

Overall, enjoyable in my opinion but needs some work :D 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 12:04:23 AM

Frozen Bones

3) Eh, I guess it was ok... 

It was incredibly linear and undescriptive at some points, for example, I feel weak, and darkness overwhelms me... then I have to end the game... that could have used a bit more detail and description. Did I die? Did I get lost or something?

The plot was really good in my opinion, and I found it interesting for a CYOA. The setting was also interesting, but more detail would have been better. I suppose the detail was sufficient, but more would have fleshed it out better in my opinion. 

You did a great job with the spacing, and Nycto was right: it wasn't choppy. But I did notice a few chunks that could have been spaced apart better, put together, etc. 

I didn't spot a lot of branching here, but there were a few choices. Despite having quite a lot of writing on some pages (although way more on some then others) this storygame was rather short. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 12:12:10 AM with a score of 0

Celestial Lies Chapter Two

4) I played through it a few times... 

This is quite disappointing, because chapter one was a lot better then this. I understand making part ones, part twos, etc can sometimes make it feel like you need to publish things as soon as possible, but please spend more time on your storygames. 

I loved chapter one, but this had a large drop in quality, for many reasons, such as a more boring plot, a very confusing writing style, less detail, and very undesriptive events. 

There were mutiple errors throughout this storygame. Proofreading is very crucial, and compared to chapter one, this was lacking emotion, detail, character development... 

I think you should have spent more time on this, because it feels as if it was written by a completely different person in all honesty. 

3/8, a step down. Try harder please.

-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 12:23:29 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Yet another comment for featuring. To replace 3Js comment.

1) Wow, I enjoyed this quite a lot. 

The character development was really a nice thing to have, and i'm glad you included it. The characters didn't feel stale at all like in most storygames, and I could feel emotion for them because of the decent detail and development. 

The plot wasn't bad, but it wasn't very well fleshed out. I felt like some parts had a lot more effort put into them then others, and that made some of the pages feel sloppy and lazy. 

The english was quite good, better then I expected from the description. I'm glad you made the attempt to make a storygame, because I think you're pretty good at it. 

With a little practice, proofreading, and a more descriptive setting, this can be one hell of a storygame, and you can get much better as an author. You've got a lot of potential :) 

Nice work. 4/8.

-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 12:52:23 AM with a score of 0

And another one.

2) Not the best... 

I noticed a lot of randomness in this storygame, suck as arguing with the narrator, killing the narrator, etc. I understand that kind of humor can be funny sometimes, but it can only take you so far when it comes to writing. 

I spotted a few grammar issues as I played, but nothing that can't be fixed with a little bit of proofreading. Remember to spend time on your storygames checking grammar and spelling, because that'll mark down your ratings a bit. 

There wasn't very much character development here, but here and there I spotted a little bit of personality developing in the characters, but the storygame was too short for it to be completely fleshed out and let me feel emotion for the characters. 

In this storygame, humor seemed to be a replacement for detail and plot development, which I didn't like :( 

I'll say 3/8, please spend more time on storygames and understand that random humor can only take you a few steps in the miles of land to cover in story writing.

-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 1:04:12 AM 

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I swear, i'm going to duct tape a wooden sign to my back that says "NUMBER YOUR SUGGESTIONS."

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Fresh batch of comments for featuring.

Anything for Momma

1) It was alright, I suppose.

Some of the choices were a bit annoying, because they weren't choices. For example, there was the option to "seek out gang members," but then, the narrator simply gives me a one sentence explanation saying why I shouldn't choose this, and makes me choose the other choice. That's not a choice, and it should not be there because it is very pointless.

There was enough detail for me to understand what was going on, but the amount of writing in general could have been larger, especially because of the not-so-big amount of pages.

There were some points when more detail would have been nice, such as the death of the mother. You really should have expanded more on that event, because i'm curious about it and it would have been great for character development.

A few spelling errors here and there, but nothing critical.

Also, what the hell is wrong with the main character? He wants to get revenge on the gang that killed his mother to protect his baby sister? Yeah, because i'm sure a gang it going to target one specific baby. And wouldn't going after them just GET his sister hurt? Some parts of the story were quite illogical.


-- MinnieKing

Flight of the Boobook owl

2) I liked it :) 

The animal perspective from an owls point of view was a really fun point of view to play this storygame from. The branching was quite good, and this storygame didn't seem lazily thrown together. 

I liked the scientific information, you studied this animal quite well. It was very fun to learn about the boobook owl and it's quite a fascinating animal in my opinion, which made me like the storygame even more. 

I thought it was very creative, and it did have some character development, but not a lot. The length was... well, decent, but it could have been drawn out more and had more words. 

There were some points in the story where I got a bit confused, because this is a bit linear in some chunks, and very descriptive at some points. Please balance this out so the storygame is higher quality and the first half isn't way better then the second half or vice versa. 

4/8, it was cute :D

-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 7:36:45 PM

The Time Machine Part Two: Dinosaur World

3) Basically a pick the correct choice or die game, really. I mean, about half the "choices" just kill me, and I don't think i'm exaggerating. If I am, not by much. 

The first one was a lot better, because the plot was introduced less sloppily and the setting had enough detail for me to actually have a picture in my mind of what it was like. I'd say this is quite a drop in quality from part one to be completely honest. 

There were a few grammar/spelling errors, I mean, even in the description. Before you make a storygame about dinosaurs, please learn how "pteranodon" is spelt. 

I played multiple times, and no matter which "path" I chose, I died. It goes to show how many death links there are here, and how illogical the storygame was. The situations seemed completely random. 

I think it's quite clear you didn't study about the dinosaurs very well, since you couldn't even get a bunch of the names correct. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 7:24:47 PM with a score of 0

The Drugs Wouldn't Stop the Nightmares Chapter One

(To replace Melikes comment)

4) I didn't like it much. 

First of all, it's another one of those two minute storygames that claim to just be chapter one, but then the rest never gets published. It makes it feel like a demo and it feels incomplete. 

The writing was pretty decent, I would have added more detail though. The nightmares were pretty creative and fun to read through. 

The plot itself seemed a bit cliche to me, but it was very well fleshed out. I would have had more character development if I were you, which is quite crucial in these whole "I don't remember anything," pieces. 

I would have really liked a backstory, but I guess that was planned for the future chapters that never got published, and probably never will for that matter. 

The small amount of branching was a bit annoying, but I guess there were a few paths. However, the short length doesn't really go with the branching very well... 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 7:07:37 PM 

A Picnic Lunch

5) After I read this story, I had the urge to slam my head against a wall. 

This storygame is just so illogical and weird, and it was completely random. This is what happens when you try to make a humorous game about murderous clowns, I suppose. 

It's completely illogical, for example: how was someone able to pick out every sprinkle in my ice cream sundae and throw a bunch of dehydrated super bugs on it? More importantly, how did nobody notice? 

The whole clowns thing was way too cliche and dumb, I mean, I can't tell you how many stories i've seen about murderous dolls and clowns and shit. If you'd actually had some character development and a plot better then eating lunch and surviving clown attacks, it might have been somewhat decent. 

Also, I think someone might be able to notice dozens of clowns creeping up behind them, no? 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 7:00:00 PM


6) Incredibly short, I would have added a few more pages to the storygame, but overall the amount of sentences on each page was satisfying. 

It seemed very illogical at some points, but I suppose you threw that in with the whole "it was just a dream" cliche. Those types of storygames really bug me, because it feels like you were just too lazy to make a real ending. 

The lack of branching really made me a bit miffed, as well as half the pages being end game links. I found that there really was not a lot of branching at all really, and even on the first page we have a wonderful example of this. 

We have Choice A, and Choice B, but Choice B just forces us to choose Choice A. So Choice B is rather pointless, is it not? 

I would have enjoyed it had you added more character development, because the characters felt quite stale. But I suppose you'd need to make it longer for that, because it's hard to grasp any emotion in a storygame as short as this. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 6:50:40 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I didn't realize I just hit the top of the Sage list.

:D hell yes

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Good job! ^-^ Thara pick up your pace

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Thanks a lot now she's gonna post them like there's no tommorow

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Okay, everyone get out of my thread.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Thara-sama :3 Stahp being mean. ;-; I'll go pick you apples now.


Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Free country.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

More comments for featuring. My fingers hurt >~<

they murk in the darknes...

1) I can't even begin to list the errors in this storygame. I'm a bit worried. You do know that you're supposed to out a space after a period and sentence stoppers, right? 

The spelling and grammar errors seriously made me rate this lower then I would have, because even the TITLE is spelled wrong. 

However, the writing was actually really good. If you'd fixed the grammar and spelling and added more detail and character development, I would have given it a five, maybe higher. 

I loved the endings and finding all of them, but it was very easy in this short storygame. If this didn't have quite a decent amount of writing on each page, I would have put it under very, very short. 

It was quite illogical at many points in the storygame and some events and choices didn't make much sense, and sometimes the actions didn't relate to the choices all that much. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 9:31:02 PM 

Rainy Mood

(To replace DeathIncarnates comment)

2) I liked it, but it was very sad ;-; 

I could feel emotion for these characters, because of the backstory and the character development. Despite this being very short, it was a good storygame because you had enough detail to keep me entertained. 

There were multiple grammar and spelling mistakes, such as: 
"And this were her last words." 
I think you meant, "and these were her last words." 

You should have made it longer, because what little you wrote, I enjoyed. I think this storygame is kind of underrated honestly, but I guess the not so good rating is because of the length and stuff :P 

Also, on the first page, I have no idea what i'm choosing, so it's a guess the correct choice or lose thing. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 9:23:20 PM

In the Caverns

(To replace 3Js comment)

3) I liked it. 

There was enough detail for me to see a picture of what you were writing, and that's a big plus when it comes to storygames. 

The backstory was a really nice thing to have and really helped with the character development, which there was a nice amount of by the way :D 

I did spot a few grammar and spelling errors, but nothing that can't be fixed with a little bit of proofreading. Overall the storygame was still great despite the errors. 

It did seem very illogical at some points, such as the gnome murdering me for not eating his food and swallowing bones and fur and shit. 

4/8, some errors but it was really good to be honest :)

-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 9:07:45 PM

Psychopathic Circus

4) I enjoyed the storygame overall, but it did have multiple flaws that effected my rating towards it. 

There were multiple spelling and grammar errors, for example, on the very first page you spelled "blonde" as "blond." 

There was an attempt to add detail, such as when you describe the characters, but not enough. I mean, just telling me the hair color and body of a person I don't know what they actually look like. 

It felt very linear and illogical at many points to me, and I felt like I was reading an article from a newspaper then transitioning to a similar, but not the same article and tried to think of where the transition was. 

The writing overall was really good and you have potential, keep trying and do closer proofreading please :D 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 9:01:40 PM


5) I was overall annoyed while playing throughout this storygame, mainly because of the spammy punctuation (such as multiple exclamation points), linear writing, and a lack of detail. 

The choices sometimes made absolutely no logical sense, like singing underwater while you drown. This also made for a illogical scene because you'd drown before you could finish a song underwater. 

The humor was sorta lolrandom and didn't appeal to me, and it seemed like maybe a young child would enjoy it. The maturity rating could have been bumped down a bit :P 

There was sorta only one path, so I don't see why you even attempted at branching if you're just gonna make almost every link lead to death. 

I liked the plot and setting, but not well fleshed out. More development and detail would have really made my rating rise for this storygame. 

-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 9:22:09 PM

The Troubles

6) Well then... 

It was very linear, and I didn't enjoy it very much because it seemed to be written very quickly and I feel like that subtracted from both length and quality. 

The length wasn't that great, but I suppose it was drawn out fine considering plot and setting. 

The grammar was very good, and I spotted almost no errors in the spelling or the grammar. I think that this is very impressive and you proofread it well. 

The branching was small, but quality. I had fun reading through all the pages and paths. 

I felt like the storygame was quite illogical at some points, and the situations didn't make a lot of sense because of the linear writing, but it was ok overall. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 8:55:24 PM 

Conquest Chapter One

(To replace 3J's comment)

7) There's many good things about this storygame that made it very enjoyable, but there were also a few downsides. 

One thing I did not like was that it was another chapter one with no chapter two or three or anything. Please, publish a complete storygame, because I want to know what happened and how it really ended, and not just part of a storygame. 

Like October said, I liked how there were multiple endings, because it's a nice change of pace to have branching and actual choices in a storygame.

The length was nothing special, but there were quite a number of links and pages and there was quite a bit of writing. 

However, I did not like how it was a bit linear. Sometimes I was a bit cofused because it was hard to understand what was going on with the transitions from one event to another. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 8:48:34 PM 

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for featuring.

All because of a Breakfast Sandwich

1) It was very linear and random, and I had a really hard time understanding what was going on. Like, one moment I was getting gas for my car so I could go get a breakfast sandwich, and then I was with Yoda choosing a lightsaber or something? I got very confused with this. 

The lolrandom humor was funny at some points, but then you just overdid it and it wasn't funny, it was just insanely confusing and linear. 

It was like something i'd imagine a second grader would write, and you had a lot of trouble sticking to a plot i'd say. 

It was also very short, but I did like the writing style and how the chain reaction of wanting a breakfast sandwich caused the storygame. 

I also didn't spot much character development throughout this storygame :( 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 10:12:37 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for featuring. Sages are drowning in commendations right now.


1) This had a huge lack of character development, and detail. I felt like this was very short. If you added more detail and backstory and stuff to this storygame, the length and rating would rise. I had a lot of unanswered questions as I was playing the storygame, and they still aren't answered after I got to the end. This had no sense of accomplishment or closure for me, and the ending didn't really feel like an ending 

I liked this a bit I suppose. There was a decent writing style, and some nice humor here and there. 

I spotted a few grammar and spelling errors every now and then, but nothing that can't be fixed with a quick and easy proofreading :) 

The choices seemed completely illogical and random, things that just don't make sense to do in the situations the character is in. These weird, dumb choices should not be here in all honesty. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 11:03:24 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for featuring

Cup of Tea

1) It was actually very well written, but there were a lot of flaws outweighing the interesting and charming writing style you used here. 

First of all, there were a few spelling/grammar errors floating around every once in a while, but not many. A quick proofreading and spellcheck can easily fix this small problem. 

The character development was decent, but definitely not great. I would have had more length so you could bave added more emotion and backstory and time for the characters to have feelings the reader can actually think of and feel for the characters. 

As Plelb stated, this was very short and suprisingly didn't fall under the 1/8 length category. Next time, spend more time on your storygame and make something longer, something you can be proud of. 

I'll say 4/8, make it longer and fix the errors and you could have something really good here :)

-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 11:17:11 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I should point out, that Thara AND Minnie now have more points than the second highest Order (The architects) and are basically making up the majority of the Sages points. Lol.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Wow, I never noticed that :D

Sage life

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Have I earned a pat on the back, End? No? Ok, i'll go now.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

You do realize, that I wasn't going to change the thread title right? There won't be a new thread change until this one is at least nearing the 200s as usual.

By that time, anyone could be in the lead again!

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I knew you weren't, that's why I gotta keep advancing forward and try my best to stay ahead. So... No pat on the back?

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

You get a pat on the back if only because the fact that it's probably annoying Mizal, Steve and a few other Sages that you're so far ahead of the rest of them. Lol.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

"Steve Finish your story fast, this situation with Thara and Minnie it's getting embarrassing." - Mizal

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago
Both of them having twice as many points as the resident mutant speed typer is pretty funny, actually.

I noticed Nycto ran out of steam a couple of weeks ago. Chalk this whole thing up as more evidence of Sage superiority I guess. (Not that it was ever in question.)

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Sages are almost at 600, the others are still a ways away from 200. Lol.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Should've banned him when he was spamming alts and derailing threads constantly. Now he's also annoying me and desecrating my great thread.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

This is fun.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for featuring. Again.

Jack at the Tracks

1) While it was extremely short, I did enjoy what little I read. 

The small amount of pages AND two to four sentences per page made for a very short storygame with not a lot of plot development. However, what I did read, I liked a lot because what I got to see of the plot and setting was creative and enjoyable to read. 

There wasn't a lot of character development here, and not a lot of emotion for that matter. 

There was also some illogical stuff in this storygame, such as Crescent stated, the heavily bleeding people are somehow unharmed? How does that work? They have to have a nasty wound to be bleeding heavily, and unless they're Hercules that would hurt pretty bad. 

The writing style had potential, but without detail and development, a storygame is just not a storygame. 

2/8, try harder please.

-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 11:45:59 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

150 Architects
107 Marauders
120 Wardens

377 Total

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago
Here, let's throw Steve a bone.

Recommended for featuring:

As a storygame in and of itself, the game's extremely lacking in content and choices, but as you've said yourself, you decided to start small. Although I don't like items it's one of the few OK uses I've seen of them, so well done on that. The biggest issue here is lack of content, which when the reader's biggest complaint is that there's not enough is definitely a plus.

The writing was good and you managed to get across at least some emotion with only a few words, plus you actually seem to have a basic understanding of writing. You show a lot more potential than most of the site trash, so congratulations. In future, I'd really recommending taking on a bigger project and really tearing into it, because I think you definitely have the ability to do so.

So all in all, welcome to CYS, I'm looking forward to read more of your work and seeing what you can do with a proper story. Well done and I hope you stick around. -- Steve24833 on 3/20/2017 7:32:18 PM with a score of 0

On A Soldier's Wish.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for featuring

Dads B-Day Adventure

1) I think it's very sweet and cute you made this for your dads birthday, and it was somewhat fun to read through. 

However, it was completely illogical and made no sense at some points. I feel like you tried to incorporate random humor in this, and it didn't work in my opinion. Try developing your plot better so you don't have to use this as a substitute. 

It was a bit cliche, and the plot appeared to be made up as it was written, and it seemed to have been written in a day as well. The short length and not so large word count made for a short storygame overall. 

It was very easy, but I don't think you meant for it to be a challenge. The use of items was also entertaining and interesting. 

3/8, try harder but you have potential.

-- MinnieKing on 3/22/2017 12:10:08 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Featured Steve's and taking a break from featuring any more tonight.

Thara and Minnie can resume their feud later.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I quite enjoyed this story. The beginning held a number of run on sentences and lack of spacing between dialogue, but by the middle of the story, you seemed to have fixed both of these problems. There were a small amount of spelling and grammar errors other than those mentioned, but not very many. 

There could have been a lot more detail, especially about the fight with the dragon. The story in general seemed a little rushed. It also would have been nice to see some character development other than just winning the fight. The story almost seemed to play like a demo, rather than a part I to a story. 

Overall, there were some funny moments and some good writing, but lots of flaws that I'm sure can be fixed. 5/8 

-- Orange on 3/22/2017

Most of the riddles were very simple and didn't require much thought. Especially the question that asked you the first letter of the alphabet. Tricks like that work with verbal communication, but is hard to use in text form where people are more likely to be reading more carefully and slowly. The final question took me a lot longer to get than I'd like to admit, so good job on that one. 

Grammar was under mediocre, most notably during the story about the little girl and her horse. I understand that it's only there to distract the reader, but the only thing distracting about it is how difficult it is to read. 

Overall, I liked the running program theme, but the questions were too simple. Grammar is, of course, always fixable. It would be a lot better if it was longer and the questions progressively got harder. The general idea of the quiz was solid, but lacking in a few areas. 4/8

-- Orange on 3/22/2017 12:57:10 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Another comment for featuring. Probably gonna be later though if ever.

Career Story: IVEY Edition

1) I liked it but there are some big flaws here. 

First of all, all the business stuff made for a pretty boring CYOA, but I suppose it was bearable. I liked the choices and how they related to the storygame and the outcome, but maybe more character development and plot development would have been good for this storygame because all the business chatter made me less and less interested as I read on. 

The end was pretty dumb, and it feels like all this was just to promote your facebook page. Please don't try to use the site for this kind of thing, but the CYOA was decent overall. 

I think it was definitely well studied, and I can imagine a business going through the events that took place in this storygame. 

While i'm not interested in business in the slightest, I found this interesting for a CYOA but it could have more of an actual plot to it, maybe. 

3/8, decent.

-- MinnieKing on 3/22/2017 12:39:40 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I'm proud of myself, finally numbering my suggestions. :D

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

The grammar wasn't the worst in the world, but it also wasn't anything to necessarily applaud. The biggest problem was the syntax, most notably the overuse of the simple sentence. Simple sentences should be spread out in a piece of writing and used mostly for emphasis or when delivering a punchline. Using four to five of them in a row makes it feel like reading a children's book for beginner readers. 

There were a couple good jokes in here, I'll admit that, but the majority of the humor relied on just being random. Randomness isn't funny, it's just...random. Sure, standing up in a lecture hall and yelling, "potted plant," at the top of your lungs might get you a few laughs, but if you kept jumping up and yelling random things, you would grate nearly everyone's nerves. It's the same when writing stories. Sure, a random event or two can be funny if used correctly, but otherwise it's just annoying. 

Overall, grammar was mediocre, there was a massive overuse of simple sentences, and the humor was more annoying than funny. The author has potential, but I'm giving this story a 2/8

-- Orange on 3/22/2017 6:12:25 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for featuring

McDonalds Adventure

1) This made me laugh, but it has many flaws, but many good things about it as well :) 

I don't like how one of the first choices can kill you, and I don't really enjoy the lolrandom choices (they're a bit annoying and odd), but I guess that was the type of humor you used for this storygame. However, when used too much, lolrandom humor isn't funny. It just gets annoying.

I did like the writing style, and you have potential. If you'd included more detail and character development, I would have rated it higher. 

Speaking of character development, I noticed little to no development for the characters. I don't feel anything for them. Even in humor stories, you need to have emotion, and remember that it doesn't have to be cheesy, serious emotion :) 

It was very creative, and decently fleshed out. Honestly, it's the best storygame about McDonalds i've ever read! 

I enjoyed the plot, but more development and a more clear setting would have been nice. 

Overall, I did like it but you've got a lot to work on. 3/8, good job I guess.

-- MinnieKing on 3/22/2017 8:10:23 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comments for featuring:

The grammar and spelling were almost impeccable. Syntax was also interesting enough to keep a reader interested. There were however, a few points where the choice the reader made wasn't really explained well. 

I enjoyed the choices given because it seemed that there were two choices and a compromise between the two for each situation. The choices seemed to cater to multiple kinds of high school and junior high students, which was nice. 

I tried to choose the choices most similar to what I actually did in high school. I ended up losing, despite thinking I played it quite well. Actually, I played the game a few times, but I still kept losing. I'm guessing that there is only one specific way to win, which really isn't true of real life. The biggest problem is, as stated in most of the comments on this game, the fact that there's nothing telling you why you failed. 

Overall, the grammar and syntax were great, choices were a little awkward at points, there were a wide range of choices, and there was nothing telling the reader why they failed. 3/8 
-- Orange on 3/22/2017 9:21:00 PM with a score of 75

Grammar and spelling weren't the best. Some sentences seemed to just stop while a new one started, leaving a really awkward single sentence that doesn't make sense. 

I actually just recently got first aid and CPR certified so I knew the right answers, yay! You definitely knew the correct protocol very well. The only problem is, most of these questions had common sense answers that everyone would know the answer to. I would suggest making it more difficult so that the reader can perhaps learn something or review something they wouldn't automatically think of anyway. 

I chose some wrong answers on purpose just to see the response, and I'm glad I did. Some of the comments to incorrect answers were hilarious, especially the one about chopping up the man with frost bite. 

Overall, grammar and spelling were mediocre, first aid steps were all correct in full detail, it was a bit too easy, and it was surprisingly funny. 4/8
-- Orange on 3/22/2017 9:37:00 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Shit, now Orange is trying to come after my crown?

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

It's for the Marauders, Minnie. Look at their commendations.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for featuring (I guess this is how you submit these?)

While this one is typical Sent (part raving, part offensive, part genius) there's enough meaningful content for it to merit a feature.

As the foremost authority on quizwriting, it’s been a great honor running around trying to snatch up the special Commendation thingy by whoring myself out writing quiz reviews. The thing about critiquing unremarkable quiz storygames, however, is much the same problem as critiquing unremarkable everythings: There’s only so many times you can say “That isn’t particularly good” before someone calls you out on your repetittive bullshit.

As with most quizzes here, I’m not good with the subject matter and don’t much know or care about it, so there has to be something on the game’s end made to engage the reader, rather than the presumable reward or lack thereof at the end. A good way to do this is with an introduction, or rather, fucking anything to actually ease you into the quizzing process and establish the kind of questions you’re going to ask rather than throwing you straight at the questions and assuming you’re willing to complete the task.

I mean, god’s sakes, this is an ACTUAL CHORE for everyone who isn’t a spongebob fan! There’s no effort to engage the reader, no guarantee of a real reward. You just make educated clicks and wait for it to be over. It’s the literary equivalent of just bending me over a table and doing your business because you promised a free point at the end, I mean, what the hell, at least buy me a drink to dull my senses first!

I forgot what else I was going to say. I guess, maybe don’t make the mistakes the author did here. It’s not fun this way. You need to give everyone a reason to be interested. Also, how the shit did Seto play through something this bland and not leave a comment on how bland it was already!? Come on, you’ve 100%-ed the website, you should step up your game! (Please don’t.)
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 1/17/2017 6:43:48 PM with a score of 4

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for featuring


1) I'll just say it right away. I didn't enjoy this. 

First of all, it was very random (which you literally admitted in the description), and I couldn't even tell what was going on through all the linear writing and awkward, underdeveloped characters. All I know about Mandy is that she seems to get pissed really easily and knows boxing, but nothing much at all beyond that. Even for lolrandom games like this one developed characters are VERY important. 

Then there was the fact that there was little to no branching (just about each link leads to death), and I really couldn't make any choices that effected the story without killing myself. 

There were also some spelling errors, such as "sueal" and not "squeal." This is very annoying, because this story is incredibly short and this makes it feel like you didn't proofread at all, because stories so short with such little branching should be incredibly easy to proofread. 

I didn't pick up on any emotion either, but hey, there's way worse on the site I suppose. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/24/2017 12:42:02 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Another comment for featuring, while I wait for the one above to be featured. Unless it isn't worthy, of course..... that's ok...

Party of the Year

1) I really disliked this story for many reasons. 

There was some awkward wording here and there throughout this storygame, for example... 
"You walk in the party & the party is in full swing" 
I find the fact that you said "party" two times a bit awkward for this sentence. It would sound better if phrased like this, perhaps. 
"You walk inside, and the party is in full swing." 

There were also a few grammar and spelling errors, such as "rol" and not "roll." 

This also had little branching and nearly no character development at all. Remember: this is This storygame felt as if I just kept repeating over and over again until I choose a certain path. 

There's also no reason why the police attacked the party. Even of there was, it wasn't mentioned. 

But hey, it's not warrior cats or anything I suppose. And it's better then a lot I see around here. There's also a half decent plot, even if it's a bit cliche.

-- MinnieKing on 3/24/2017 1:01:54 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Will was drunk and posted his review three times.

Oh course the game will eventually be removed so not sure if it matters.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Yeah, doesn't matter. I unpublished all 3 of those horrible school projects.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Another comment for featuring

(To replace Will11's comment)

1) It had its ups and downs i'd say. 

The writing was really good and the plot was well executed. I could easily picture the situations because you provided a decent amount of detail. So well done with that. 

Sadly, there are some flaws here to weigh the good writing down a bit. I thought the storygame was rather random, and the choices didn't seem to make much sense to me. But I suppose it might be hard trying to imagine choices in the situations the character was in for this story. 

There is a small amount of character development, but I would have liked to get to know them more. Developed, well fleshed out characters are a very important part of storywriting. 

I also found the storygame rather short, despite the decent amount of writing on most of the pages. 

This also feels rather incomplete, and I don't have a sense of closure after I read it. I really want to know what happens next. 

4/8, good job but fix the flaws please.

-- MinnieKing on 3/25/2017 12:51:33 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

And another for featuring. This is my life now.

Postie Rips it Up

1) I... I loved this. This was incredible in my opinion. 

The writing was not only good, but it was also very humorous and I laughed multiple times. I did detect lolrandom humor here, but you didn't overdo it and I felt like you knew when enough was enough with the lolrandom stuff, something many authors who use it don't understand. 

I liked the plot and the setting. You fleshed them out very well and I could see a clear image of what the character was going through due to the detail you provided, and it was certainly a pleasure to read because of this. 

I liked how the pages had many options and links, and I loved the branching they led to. While some are humorous, some are actually logical choices, which I like :D 

I did notice a few spelling mistakes, but nothing major. A quick proofreading can fix this. 

The length was also nice in my opinion. 

6/8, I really liked it!

-- MinnieKing on 3/25/2017 1:01:14 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending my comments for featuring


1.) This story... is bad. I haven't seen the first story you made, but I assume that it's really bad which is why it got deleted. Well, here are my opinions on your story. 

I admit, you put more effort into this story, but it still feels lacking in a way. You put in effort into this, as more than one sentence is put into a page, and there is dialogue that isn't ridiculous. It has a sense of realism, despite being a fantasy adventure. However, your story still has flaws. 

The one I noticed the most is that your story suffers from the "You" trap for second-person storygames. You should add more variety when using pronouns, and not start most of your sentences with you. 

Description. This story lacks details, but first let's look at the description of your story. This is your description: 

Hey Guys. This is the second parts of the story. All your comments were really helpful, so yah, ill try to make it longer. *Has worried expression*. 

Alright so this part will start with you being with Jack, cause I need him as a character. 

Have fun!!! 

Don't do that, it makes you look like you put no effort at all in your stories. The words, yah, and the shorter version of because makes this story feel... like it's not made by a serious author. It's not even proofread, and there is some grammatical errors in your description. 

Anyways, back to the topic. Your story, though has adjectives, still feels lacking. You just mention random details, and you don't even describe them. It feels like you're making a random choice. 

Remember, each and every story can still be improved, no matter how good their story is. I wish you luck on your next story! 

Oh, you want to know my rating? It's a 3 for effort.

-- Plelb on 3/25/2017 12:44:46 AM



This game is actually pretty good, despite having numerous errors. 

Here's a tip of advice for you, let someone else proofread this game for you. If you're not good at English, it's alright. Still, each story has to be revised for quality, and you can ask for help from the wonderful members on this site for help. 

Onto my review!

This game is a nice attempt for your first game, even though it suffers from errors. Your use of the advanced editor seems proficient enough, but you need more experience, particularly in scripting. You can exploit the game and get some things for free, without the necessary items to get them.

Your use of humor seems to be fine, although it's still random and randomness usually doesn't work in stories. This story is no exception, as there was an instance where if you don't follow the narrator, you get killed by random reasons.

The problem is... although this story was of decent length, it ended abruptly. That makes this storygame a part 1 or a demo essentially, but it seems complete enough to not be qualified as an incomplete game. 

If you were to make a part 2, make sure it's proofread for quality and is complete. There is a path I took that is incomplete, which is the Fine path, and I hope that you complete it.

My rating is 4 for fine.

-- Plelb on 3/25/2017 1:27:55 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comments for featuring

Surviving the trip Home

1) Well... it's something. 

Like Saika pointed out, there are probably more one link pages then pages with actual choices on them in this storygame, which is a major flaw because it makes this much more of a plain story, rather then a choose-your-own-adventure-story. 

It did seem rather illogical and just plain silly at some points. Some things didn't make much sense, maybe it was from the rather linear writing, or maybe it was the unrealistic situations. 

Character development wasn't exactly a big part of this storygame, I qould have rated this higher if you'd fleshed out the characters better. At the moment, I don't feel any emotion or sympathy for them. 

Detail could have been better, but you did have some, so it wasn't all bad in that category. 

I'll give this a 3/8, improve it please.

-- MinnieKing on 3/26/2017 1:16:47 AM

Mission X-17

2) Oh damn. This was kinda suprising, honestly. 

The first few pages were a bit dull in my opinion, and it lacked a good hook to pull me into the storygame. However, as I read on, I began to enjoy myself and have fun playing it. 

There was branching here, but it might have been nice if there were more endings then death and the two at the end that are decided by the last choice. 

I liked the plot development, and I think there seemed to be a rise in quality from the first part of the story to the end. Balance it out more please, because some parts felt well fleshed out while others felt rather... lazy, and not descriptive. 

I'll be honest, I did see a few spelling errors, but they weren't made often and could be fixed easily with some proofreading. 

Character development and setting was rather average, but hey, something is better then nothing I suppose. 

4/8, I liked it but it needs work.

-- MinnieKing on 3/26/2017 1:05:34 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Just noticed the error in the first one. Fixed.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for featuring

The Wormtongue Journals - Book One

1) You have a lot to work on here. 

First of all, it's another "part one," with no sequels or anything, so it's incomplete and I have no sense of closure because I don't know how it ended. It's a shame, because this was good writing, but I think the ratings fell a bit because it's incomplete. 

Like I said, the writing was pretty good and I liked the plot you had, because it was an interesting concept and you fleshed it out quite well. 

I'm glad you included a small amount of humor in this. (R. Kain sounding like Arcane.) 

The character development was alright, but I think the only characters you out any effort into were Doctor Kain and the main character, but even the main character didn't have that much. 

Please publish something complete, because this was good. I hate to give it a lower rating then I would have for being a part one. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/26/2017 12:23:55 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Just noticed the error in this one as well. Fixed.

Thara's Sagely Words of Wisdom

5 years ago

I believe that it's time for some order and decorum in this thread. I think the unsightly double and triple posts have made this lovely thread that was supposed to be celebratory quite frankly...unseemly in appearance.

Minnie, you have a thread now. Use it and begone from this realm already. Don't make me get my Dad to deduct all of your points, jerk.

Anyway moving on from that, this next batch of comments for deletion will be dedicated to Ford. It's really been a dedicated effort by us Sages to make things great.

But mostly me, of course.


Now without further ado...


Recommending comments for deletion: 

Court Case 

1) Yay I won

-- CeruleanFlare on 12/20/2016 2:10:49 PM

2) I think I won.

-- Bolt78625 on 6/9/2015 10:05:50 AM

3) Yay! I am innocent.

-- Political on 11/28/2015 5:39:05 PM



4) meh

-- Azadar on 8/18/2016 9:22:31 PM with a score of -500

5) Yay I'm victorious! 

-- jelly on 3/26/2015 7:59:28 PM with a score of 4500

6) i won :P

-- kk on 11/18/2014 8:01:33 PM with a score of 4500 

7) hi

-- l on 10/24/2014 8:10:58 PM with a score of 0

8) no no

-- me on 9/21/2014 2:21:07 AM with a score of 0

9) I won yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- computersuresrex on 9/19/2014 2:02:23 PM with a score of 5500

10) I finishhed it.

-- Eddy on 10/14/2005 4:06:48 PM with a score of 5500

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comments for featuring

The Delaying Action

(I left two comments on this story, but the second one was just to fix a spelling error)

1) Definitely above average, in my opinion. 
I think you definitely have a good plot here, and you also didn't do a bad job of fleshing it out. I had an easy time seeing a picture of what was happening as I read thanks to the quality amount of detail you wrote. 

Sadly, there seemed to be only one actual path were you don't fail. This is because just about each page with choices had a failure link on it. Like Sszinid said, this makes the storygame very linear at some points. 

More character development would have been really nice, because this story was kinda dull in that category. It sorta felt like you'd introduce a character, but not give them any personality. All the soldiers just felt sorta dull. 

It was also rather short, but I enjoyed what I did read. 

Good to kill a few minutes. 4/8

-- MinnieKing on 3/27/2017 2:10:57 PM


2) I enjoyed myself. I'm actually suprised I did. 

The writing was quite bloody and gruesome, but it didn't go way goo far over the line. You fleshed out the writing quite well with the detail and situations you provided. 

I was a bit confused, because I got to make decisions for more then one character and decide situations rather then make choices in the storygame. However, I don't think this would really qualify as a problem :) 

Character development was actually pretty average, but that's actually pretty good compared to the hundreds of storygames on the site with little to no development for the plot, characters, or situations. 

I didn't really understand the whole "blackbirds" thing, though. 

This was also quite short, and I wish i'd gotten to play more because I enjoyed it. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/27/2017 1:55:02 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Forgot to number that second one >~<

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for featuring

A day in the life and death of you

1) Completely illogical. So many of the situations were completely random, such as a spider being the size of a golden retriever? And, like Wizzy said, how can you go to work OR go to school? You just skip one? That makes no sense. 

The writing wasn't very good, sorry, but there seemed to be a lot of detail in some spots and almost none in other spots. This makes it seem rushed and uneven, and overall, poor in quality. 

It's very boring, and I kinda wanted to exit the window the entire time. I had no idea what the hell was going on, the branching was poorly executed, and the writing is incredibly linear. 

The deaths were the most linear and random part of this whole thing. They make no sense, and are probably the least likely things to ever happen in real life. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/27/2017 7:41:27 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I'm lucky. I forgot to proofread this one and it has no errors >~<

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comments for featuring

Kill that Spider!

1) I just read my last comment on this storygame, and thought, "did I overrate this?" 

I just read it again, and no. I did not overrate it. This was a great storygame, and you did a great job of fleshing out the plot. The detail was definitely sufficient and I can tell you put effort into this. 

I honestly loved the plot. Even if it's something small, like killing a spider, you did a great job with making it a complete storygame. 

I did laugh a few times, and I had fun reading the humorous writing. Sadly, the writing was a bit linear, but not much. It was still enjoyable. 

A bit dramatic, but definitely realistic. I can see people going to these lengths just to kill a spider, honestly xD 

I also had a lot of fun finding all the endings. I felt a bit bad for the spider in the microwave ending though :P 


-- MinnieKing on 3/28/2017 1:49:52 AM with a score of 0

Cryogenic Failure

(To replace Will11's comment)

2) I seriously enjoyed this. 

The plot was possibly one of the best i've seen, and it was very creative. You developed it well throughout the storygame and fleshed it out very, very well, so good work on that. 

The color contrast on the pages felt really nice and went great with the setting and storygame. I'm glad you coded this background in, because it made for a more pleasant read i'd say :) 

Some of the choices in the storygame didn't feel very meaningful, but it wasn't a very big flaw overall since this wasn't frequent. 

I did notice that a few pages seemed to have more effort put into them then others. Spreading out the quality would make my rating rise on this storygame for sure. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/28/2017 1:39:44 AM with a score of 0

Halfway Decent

3) Not bad. 

I liked the writing style, and the emotion the characters felt were really easy to feel and relate to, thanks to the detail you provided about how the characters felt sad, or happy, or loving. 

The branching was average. Some choices didn't seem to relate to the rest of the story at all (the first one or two choices), but later on I enjoyed finding the three endings. 

This was really cute, and I liked seeing the relationship develop between two kids from when they were wee children to when they were grown. 

However, it was very linear. I guess that's sorta impossible to avoid when you timeskip 5-8 years every page or two. 

Character development was pretty good, I liked seeing the characters personalities develop as they grew older. 

4/8, not bad at all.

-- MinnieKing on 3/28/2017 1:26:26 AM

The Secret of the Mysterious Door

4) Very, very random. It was extremely linear at multiple points and I barely understood what was happening at some points because the situations made little to no sense. For example... 

"Suddenly, the floor beneath your feet vanishes and you fall into a bottomless hole." 

Ok. So, for no logical reason, the floor just vanishes and I die? Ok then. 

But I guess I did like the plot. It's very interesting to see someone make a school based story with a mystery aspect. 

The setting was a bit dull and not very well fleshed out, but hey, it's better then some stories on here.

Character development wasn't exactly 10/10, but it was definitely there, little or not. 


-- MinnieKing on 3/28/2017 1:19:07 AM

Outbreak Chapter One

5) This had a lot of flaws. 

First of all, there was the constant swearing, and it felt as if you used words like "fuck," and "ass," more then any other words in the whole story. It feels like there was an attempt to make it feel mature, but that attempt failed in my opinion. 

It was a pretty cliche zombie story, and a more original plot might be necassary. You could still write about zombies, but this feels like the same old zombie story i've seen a hundred times. 

Multiple spelling errors appeared throughout the story, but this can be easily fixed with proofreading. 

I didn't notice much emotion other then anger, which is mainly only there due to the swearing every sentence. 

Overall, the writing is not exactly bad, but it needs some work and more character development. 

I'll give it a 2/8, don't rush and word hard please :)

-- MinnieKing on 3/28/2017 1:10:34 A

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Also, I understand that it may look like I made a mistake in the fifth one, but "don't word hard," basically means don't use swearing every two seconds.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comments for featuring


The first thing I noticed was that a multitude of choices were being made for the reader without a chance for us to make our own decisions. Linearity is something that needs to be fixed immediately, to give the storygame a more branching feel. The character shouldn't be doing things and feeling such ways without any input from the reader. 

Another things is how pointless the storygame seems. I get that the character is an explorer, but every explorer has a valid reason when exploring an area, be it ruins or something else of historical significance. The "Legendary Arctic Bat" needs a story that intrigues the reader, and gives a purpose for the explorer. 

It seems highly unlikely that the cave would be found so quickly and easily. I think way too much is occurring on the first page. It should be slower and more descriptive. A nice background sets the mood for the whole rest of the storygame and highly affects the rating given by readers. 

It will take a lot of work, but with the right attitude and some persistence, this could much better and leave a nice mark for future storygames of the category to try and reach for. 


-- Nyctophilia on 3/28/2017 12:14:55 PM with a score of 0



It's not that bad at all, though it is rather random toward some of the ending. It's pretty well known around here that random deaths that give no warning as to what may happen in the near future is annoying and not appreciated. 

The grammar is terrible. As I've said in almost every review, proofreading is very important to any written work, and should be taken seriously. It's good to get help from some friends if needed, so that you can have more input and a better story overall. You could always just check out the links on my profile as well, which can help with your storygame immensely. 

I think a bit more description is needed, because the story feels bland and isn't very interesting at all. Every story needs a backstory with information that's useful and enhances the experience for the reader. The pages are short and have only a few sentences and sometimes only a few words that's are harmful to the rating that will be received. 


-- Nyctophilia on 3/29/2017 6:29:15 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Wait, is linearity actually a word? I didn't think it was. That would have made writing comments a lot easier xD

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Of course it is a word.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for deletion-

Shit like your life

-- RainbowCrash on 3/30/2017 2:46:02 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Deleted and account taken care of.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I love how he's the one wasting his life spamming because his fee fees are hurt. Lol.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago
Probably just bored, while waiting for his next shipment of crack to come in.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending Comments To Be Featured:

I really like how the story began, and it was very interesting. It caught my attention and I wanted to keep reading, which is essential in a storygame. The writing is descriptive and clear, but it could still use some work. There is plenty of short sentences that could be combined with others to give the storygame a more smooth and structured feel. As of right now, the writing is very choppy. 

There is a nice amount of choices with each page, and they are thoughtful and realistic (for the most part). I'd say maybe adding another main storyline to branch off and this could be a very nice storygame. I'd also recommend trying a different title as well, but that's 100% up to you. :) 

The writing flow got a bit better near the end, so maybe a revision of the beginning writing would help. Each choice made sense, though a few could have had better outcomes to improve the storyline and background for the characters. 


-- Nyctophilia on 3/30/2017 5:02:37 PM


The storygame is riddled with spelling and grammar mistakes, so I will say this yet again: proofread your work. It may be a tedious and seemingly useless task, but it will so helpful once you finish the storygame and publish it. I'd say you should go through this and tweak some things, along with the spelling/grammar. 

The writing is choppy and simple. It's not interesting or structured, and really needs to be redone. This whole story needs to be redone, honestly. The idea was fine, it just wasn't used wisely and with the best of attention and skill. 

The plot line was excellent, and I was very entertained as the story progressed. You did a very nice job with keeping a nice pace and didn't end the storygame too quickly or obviously. I'm very satisified with trending I go, so that's great. 

Just never forget to listen to the advice people give you and proofread your work! ^~^ 


-- Nyctophilia on 3/30/2017 9:42:28 PM

(To replace Sethaniel's)

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending storygame comments for deletion:

Big Time 

1) The whole game had an air of hopelessness while still reminding you that there is always hope if you believe. Some of the combinations of events seem absurd if you play correctly, and I didn't care for the deja vu feel, but for a first story...well, I find it hard to believe that this is a first. Good-no, great-no, fantastic job! Yes, quite laudable.

-- FieryHeart on 4/20/2014 12:54:31 PM

Reasoning: Plagiarizing someone else's comment. 

2) Yeah! 

-- YEah! on 10/25/2006 3:46:21 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago
Comment for removal on the new storygame Airport

where am i
-- herbwagner on 3/31/2017 9:47:13 AM with a score of 0

(Flying very high, I presume, but I'm not sure how that relates to the story...)

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending storygame for unpublishing: 


Reasoning: Poor ratings, writing, etc. Blah. 

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending comments for deletion: 

De Milite Inprudenti 

1) I didn't not win 

-- Orange on 12/18/2016 9:15:50 PM with a score of 0

2) i didnt kill him but...

-- caramelmesshead on 9/14/2016 4:41:08 PM with a score of 0

3) I didn't not kill him.

-- swedishlemon on 7/29/2016 11:16:39 PM with a score of

4) wow

-- omgitschowhall on 6/29/2016 10:49:14 PM with a score of 0

5) I win!

-- Jayheart4Ever on 3/12/2016 8:30:31 PM with a score of 0 

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

1. Recommending my comment for featuring on this one.

Well, this was pretty good. I would like to point out that many players hit well in areas that aren't necessary down the center of the plate. In addition, the (other teams) pitcher had used just breaking balls and fastballs (as far as I can tell). This, however, was not the case on one page (where the final strike occurred) in which the pitcher used a slider or a changeup depending on the choice. I find this odd due to the pitcher's previous choices, but that might just be me. I did find it annoying that deciding to look at the pitch or swing at the pitch often changed the pitcher's type of throw. 

Anyway, the writing was somewhat linear at time, but it had enough branches to be fine. I also like how you took the time to put in the pictures (even though they all weren't the Cardinals). 

The game was simplified somewhat from the countless complexities of the Major Leagues, but I'd be rather bored if all you did was speak of those complex things. (It would take away from the action.) The action is what I liked the most about this storygame. It was fast paced and evoked the quickness that MLB is trying to create under its new rules. I hope you continue writing here.

-- WouldntItBeNice on 4/7/2017 11:06:46 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

1. I'm recommending my own comment for featuring for this storygame. It's somewhat long so I won't post it to keep this extremely active thread from being cluttered.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending storygame comments for the incinerator: 


1) I did it! Kwai 

-- Tarbo134 on 11/24/2016 11:36:38 AM 

2) Story

-- Jeremie on 7/18/2011 4:24:16 PM

 3) Yes, I concur. Story.

-- bucket on 8/13/2011 10:50:33 PM 

Light Space 

4) wow. I died................ XD

-- JC on 12/1/2015 7:09:16 PM with a score of 0

5) Woah...

-- Person on 9/12/2015 3:52:18 AM with a score of 0

 6) You killed me you bastard.

-- Karl on 12/8/2013 12:43:24 AM with a score of 0

7) That was extremely exciting. I want to play it again!

-- Fankeanthoal on 7/25/2013 2:29:56 AM with a score of 0

Reasoning: Duplicate comment. 

8) Amazing!!! I ?it!!! 

-- Lizzy Afro on 7/27/2013 2:43:07 PM with a score of 0

9) I WON!

-- lolzers on 6/3/2012 5:00:38 PM with a score of 0

10) Boo ya!

-- Kory on 12/1/2011 7:25:55 PM with a score of 0

(This comment can probably be placed in the same category as the, yays, wows, mehs, and the lols. Right?)

Now something to break up the monotony of all the deletions. I think that eleven is good enough for featuring. You can replace Brian's comment if its acceptable by you. 

11) This game deserves every bit of praise it gets. Despite the plot being fairly linear, there was a surprisingly good amount of freedom and exploration options. The diction was very good, and some of the best I've read on this site as far as the lighter reads are concerned. The idea of something that isn't just normal time travel is a fascinating concept, and you made a great adventure of it here, making it accessible to anyone reading it. Also, I am probably in the minority about this, but I am fond of the ending's ambiguity. I enjoyed the memory idea very much. 

That being said, I did have a few problems with it. There's at least one page that did not have any links on it. (Thank goodness for the back option.) It also didn't have as much emotional weight as I expected, although, I give that a pass, as I don't believe this is the type of story meant for that. Other than that, this was a great storygame and easily one of my new favorites. 

And for the record, the art were great, too. Simple, but effective for describing what's being seen.

-- TaraGil on 10/15/2014 6:49:24 PM with a score of 0

 Comment for featuring: 

A Fantastic Journey 

12) Good job! 

No, this was so good that I feel the need to expand upon how good this story was in the various points that I usually dish out upon other stories. 

1) The main character was actually quite decent. I mean, he wasn't expanded upon very much, but the point of that was to probably allow to place yourself in the shoes of the character, not just pure laziness, which is always something I appreciate with a main character. 

2) The premise could have been screwed up, but you did quite well to spice things up and by the end of it, I wished that it would have gone on since I really needed to find out who that voice in the good ending was. 

3) Your grammar and punctuation is very good, or at least there were no mistakes that I could notice in the story as I played it, though someone with keener eyes than me might say otherwise. 

4) Of course, nothing's perfect and the fact that you wished to make this in parts really killed part of the joy I got from playing/reading this storygame. I mean, when you post a story, either post the entire thing or not at all, breaking it up in parts isn't viewed very kindly upon on this site, unless the parts themselves are excellent, like in Homo Prefectus... and what's worse, you ended it on a cliffhanger(at least the ending I got was a cliffhanger) which isn't entertaining in series or in stories. 

And with all that, I rate this game - even though it ended on a cliffhanger and I may never see the next part again - a 6/8, though I know that there are people who will disagree whether this actually deserves such a high score. 

-- Claw2k11 on 3/3/2017 5:55:52 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

A few comments for deletion

September the Fourteenth II

I will pee on your grave

-- betaband on 2/26/2012 2:38:20 PM 

shoot shoot

-- masterelf on 2/14/2012 1:35:43 PM 


-- Killer999 on 9/23/2011 1:07:11 PM 


-- ThisisBo on 6/14/2011 4:07:01 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago
beta's comment should be kept.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

While I agree with him, the comment has no direct relation to the story.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I'm surprised that there are still some games from that series that are still up. 

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Same here. Only three of them are left, and there were like, fifteen at the beginning. They suck though and don't deserve the ratings they have.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

That many? Well I just read the three that are left and I'm not exactly sure on what I just experienced, or how I should be feeling afterwards. 

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

The feeling I had was 'losing hope in humanity.'

There were probably more, actually. He even tried starting up a sequel series to that.


Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

It was strange. I didn't exactly like it but I also couldn't turn away for some strange reason.

How fascinating. Now that you mention a sequel, I just noticed that there is still May left to complete.

Oh joy. 

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

He even made a pity thread for it, and a math thing... Wow...

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Probably would have kept Beta's comment if he had said that he would pee on Deven's story along with his grave.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending a comment for featuring:'s-wish


It is a very deep story, rich in detail conveyed by few words. Great work indeed. 

What I dislike, however, is the absolute futility of my character, it seems that I was forced to die, and that there was no hope of changing my fate. Predestination. 

What I would suggest, if you plan on editing this storygame, is to expand it into a bigger thing by putting a way where my guy could actually live from the incident, and then you would have the ability to make a sequel regarding the aftermath of his survival. Like how his life is at family, at work etc. 

Because, in all honesty, it was too short for taste. Especially with the big potential I see in the story to increase the choices, but it's your first storygame, and I can understand that not all writers are virtuosos at what they do. 

Decent effort for your debut in this site. 5/8.

-- AgentX on 4/18/2017 2:54:32 AM with a score of 0


Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending a comment for featuring:

Cheesy things taste delicious... 

Your first romance is a good romance! Another beautifully sculpted piece without too much need of words. 

God, you misunderestimate yourself. There is no such thing as "cheese" on this thing, it's filled with what I can see to be genuine emotion (at least during the most romantic times in a relationship). 

Your wording is excellent, very few if there were any errors that I found. The storyline was not too grandiose, as it is only about the development of two people's love for each other, but you make up by meticulously fleshing it out with many details. 

The progression of their ages after choices goes fast, but I like it that way. Sort of like documenting the points of interest in their lives (surely make-outs and intriguing things don't happen ALL the time, eh?). 

But even this wasn't perfect. The ending felt lacking (at least the HAPPY ENDING which I got), because it's like you rushed to a final conclusion that you will live happily ever after with Candace, eveb though you only said something related to proclaiming how far you'll go just to maintain loving her. 

But at least everything else was good, and that is why this story is worth every cent. 6/8.

-- AgentX on 4/20/2017 4:08:18 AM

To replace Name's featured comment.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

1. Recommending a comment for deletion for this storygame.

This one took a while but the end I got was worth it

-- TheRealJumble on 3/16/2017 9:55:56 AM with a score of 0

Reasoning: double post

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending a comment for featuring:

Alright, this was a good first attempt. Your phrasing is clumsy for now, the Ending where your father gives you a medal a month after being captured made no sense, and you spent too much time focusing on the toys of war instead of bringing out the lack of meaning of it / other issues (when you're in the trenches I presume your mind is more occupied with staying alive than profiling all the toys being used against you). That said, this was a competent story, and there was a fair bit of variation between the choices that were offered. 

When you mentioned this was alternate history, I was looking forward to seeing the larger impacts of your tweaks. Unfortunately all I could find was the Germans being forewarned, and a larger invasion later. Not really much to work with, but if you expand the premise later I'd be interested in reading more. 

The cannibal and gift from soldier pages were nicely written, and so I do believe that with practice and polish you will become a capable writer. Onwards and upwards!

-- StrykerL on 4/25/2017 3:41:08 AM

He also duplicated the posting of his comment, kindly delete the duplicate as well.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Storygame for deletion

Lodin's Quest - Anamandar

Reason: While it has good ratings, it's a demo.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Recommending a comment for featuring:

I felt the story lacked depth and a greater meaning. Also, the most interesting aspects of the story were left unexplored. 

How did the Germans learn of D-Day? 

In history they were utterly convinced that the landing would be at Calais, headed by Patton. The false intelligence and fake inflatable army the Allies used worked to perfection, so this could have been an awesome opportunity to explore a shocking mole operation or Benedict Arnold level betrayal within the Allied ranks. But sadly, we just get the generic, "someone told them" that forces a plot artificially. 

How did the Allies manage to muster a force 15x greater than the already colossal D-Day invasion - AFTER - losing every single man and machinery save one? 

Nothing about that is really plausible. But having the D-Day invasion fail and having the player try to help win the war regardless would have been an interesting concept if it was done more believably. 

What happened to the paratroopers that dropped behind enemy lines? 

Surely they would have had some impact on the story. 

Overall, it wasn't a bad attempt for a first story. And the writing was competent. But the lack of meaning and the failure to maintain suspension of disbelief makes the story lackluster.

-- Bucky on 4/29/2017 9:01:43 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for deleting.

I LIVE>>>>


Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Kain's been leaving a bunch of those spam comments on stories. Can't even be bothered to plagiarize anymore it seems.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

I think I saw him commenting like that on Ford's storygame too.

Draw My Attention (Age of Apples)

5 years ago

Comment for Featuring:

Three Hundred Thousand Tears

To say this story surprised me would be a gross understatement. It's rare to see a CYoA tackle a historically significant event, instead of the usual flights of fancy into damsels and dragons. Further more surprising is the choice of the setting, a time of great sorrow. For the life of me, I have no idea why someone as young as Crescent would be motivated to cover the Nanking massacre as a story, and the fact that the issue is treated fairly sensitively is heartening. 

This story is excellent, the characters are well thought out and have meaningful motivations and backstories, and at multiple moments I was admiring the craft put into the setting and the actions of the cast. This story gets a lot of things right. The tone, the graphical descriptions, a good number of the choices, and the flashbacks were all successful in creating a heavy, dark, and yet substantial atmosphere. 

I would have liked to have had two more things in particular: The choice to convince/coerce Huanxing to not go (instead of just deciding your own level of involvement), and for the route where you kill a soldier with your own hands to have had a greater impact on the ending. The epilogue endings did not make much sense to me, and I couldn't figure out exactly how they were intended to complete the story. That said, this being historical fiction the strange endings weren't nearly as harmful to the experience as would have been the case in a more speculative/fantasy based genre. The tone was slightly off at moments (good guys out there), which I attribute more to the writer being young than anything else. There were tiny grammatical mistakes (an automobile, your/you're, Our hearts ARE what drives us, understaffed not low staffed), but thankfully they were nothing distracting. 

There are a few things that could have been expanded in the backstory to make the story richer. You could have mentioned that the residents were aware of the incidents that had happened in Shanghai to the civilians (which wasn't outright mentioned, making some of the early reactions and Japanophobia seem a bit too extreme without context). You could have mentioned that Nanjing was the capital of the Chinese government of the point, with a population in the couple hundred thousand, and the safe zone was being run by maybe 27 foreigners. You could have mentioned that the government had fled the city yet had made it nearly impossible for the citizens to evacuate. You could have also set the tone by mentioning how Chinese soldiers were found getting drunk around Dec 8-10 in anticipation of the inevitable collapse of the defenders. All are optional content, but add to the richness of the experience. 

Once again, I am significantly impressed by the story and the author, and I believe the site is richer for this story. I'd gladly recommend this story to people I know. 

-- StrykerL on 5/4/2017 1:22:26 PM with a score of 0