This is how it works:
Recommending a comment for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a tag change for a storygame (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for a change in maturity level or difficulty level (1 point for each)
Recommending a storygame for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing (1 point)
Recommending a comment for deletion (1 point)
To get points for recommending something, I have to agree with you and newly created storygames are not eligible point earners.
Three Most Important Things when recommending anything:
1. Reply to THIS thread to THIS post
2. A hyperlink to the storygame
3. Number ALL your suggestions
Recommending a comment for featuring:
- The story should at least have a rating of 3.0
- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
- If there are already 3 featured comments on the storygame, you also have to let me know whose comment you think should be replaced.
- If I agree, you will get 1 point and the person whose comment is featured will automatically get 2 points. If you are recommending your own comment, you don't get the extra point. (You’re already getting Commendation points as well!)
Recommending a comment for deletion:
- The comment that you think deserves deletion (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
Examples of what to suggest
Spammy punctuation and lettering: Nice Job!!!!!!! or NOOOOOOO!!!!! I DIIIIIIED!
Short comments that don’t address the story content directly or clearly: “Wow” “Poop” "I won!" “Hi” “:)”
If someone says something like “Nice”, "Cool", "It sucks" or “Bad” we can leave it.
Obviously long comments that don’t do this either are also up for deletion, but it’s usually easier to see since they're probably rambling on about a Nigerian Prince or something similar so there shouldn’t be too much of an issue with ambiguity.
Incomprehensible comments: “sfekrbnmdse”
Duplicate comment: Self explanatory.
Flaming the Author: Honestly, I’m actually all for flaming the author if their story was bad enough, but I understand most of you don’t thrive off pure hatred for some strange reason. So if someone is just calling the author names, it can go.
Note: Do not recommend comments on EndMaster stories for deletion. He usually monitors his stories’ comments anyway.
Recommending a tag change for a storygame
- All of the tags you believe the story should have
Recommending a category change for a storygame
- The category you believe it should be in
- A short explanation of why
Recommending a change in maturity or difficulty level for a storygame
- The change you think should be made
- A short explanation of why
Recommending a storygame for featuring
- A short rationale for why
Recommending a forum thread for deletion
- A short rationale for why
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing
- A short explanation of why [specifically, you must describe how it fails to meet minimum site standards]
1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo."
2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later.
Games that say they are the first in a series are not automatically considered "unfinished." As long as the game itself is complete, even if the author never returned to write a sequel, it is not up for unpublishing.
If you don't follow protocol, there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points. Following protocol expedites the process.
To summarize: post here (for the most part) with recommendations for who I should reward / what I should change and I'll reward you with points.
Take a second to check the posts above you and see if someone else has already made the recommendation. Remember, newly created Storygames are not eligible for tag/category/comment points.
Okay, that should clear things up somewhat.
And let's NOT get into another flame war. If anyone for any reason has a problem with a recommendation, just don't bother to call the person a retard (or something equally as colorful) and stay silent.
If I don't think it's worth deleting or featuring, I'll just ignore it or maybe even say something in the thread of why I don't think it's worth it and that'll be the end of it. No need for this thread to derail with arguing.
Admin Edit: Going through this a bit at a time. Bolding the stuff I've already gone through. Edit 2: Finished.
Recommending comments for deletion: Story: Snow
Reason: Short comments that don’t address the story content directly or clearly
Reason: Duplicate comment
Recommending comments for deletion:
-- doraiscrap777 on 8/20/2007 8:47:09 PM with a score of 1185
-- chris_zelda on 2/16/2007 1:13:49 AM with a score of 0
"If there's something wrong with the formatting please tell me, I hope it's ok."
To say something is wrong with the formatting would be a severe understatement.
Uh, yeah. It's not just a wall of text, it's an undecipherable text of forbidden knowledge that can only result in calling something sinister if read out loud.
Mayana's editing her post, so nobody respond to it.
EDIT: Yes, much better Mayana.
1) Yay I beat it!
-- CeruleanFlare on 12/16/2016 9:50:11 PM with a score of 22
Adventures of a Cute Cat: A poem
2) Yay! I finished it!
-- Timeless_Sakura on 3/11/2016 6:30:10 AM with a score of 0
3) Well, I died. :P
-- Creature on 4/1/2015 2:25:11 PM with a score of 2
-- Hetalia_Fan on 2/19/2015 9:49:52 AM with a score of 6
Farewell, My Childhood Self
-- mmdd1996 on 1/1/2017 11:38:41 PM with a score of 0
-- Liv_xoxo on 10/19/2016 6:49:12 AM with a score of 0
Survive the Zombies
-- tavler on 1/15/2017 8:29:24 PM with a score of 9001
8) Yay I won!
-- GigaKnight on 11/18/2016 9:42:00 AM with a score of 9001
The Free Hand
9) ending 2 and 3 arent that different. but otherwise. great job on the symbolism and allusions. its a bit short. but the quality of the plot is great
-- Sean on 6/2/2013 2:30:50 PM with a score of 0
Nine is a duplicate comment.
-- jay139 on 5/14/2011 7:11:22 PM with a score of 0
Postie Rips It Up
11) Hurrah I finished
-- Freebooter on 11/6/2003 5:16:03 AM
12) Finished it.
-- Deadly Lion on 4/24/2016 11:38:26 PM with a score of 0
-- omgitschowhall on 6/30/2016 12:19:44 AM with a score of 0
14) I won!
-- weru on 10/4/2008 4:12:38 PM
15) I won too!
-- koolgai on 1/7/2009 8:09:04 PM
Yeesh... looks like some internal conflict between the sages. Wonder how long their age wil last if that keeps up?
It doesn't have to be a united front of commendation-grabbing. There just has to be a lot of commendation-grabbing.
I imagine people will still be trying to get that elusive 5000 point trophy.
Plus the featured comment recommendations earn commendations.
There are no brakes on this ride.
Recommending even more storygame comments for deletion:
Adventures With Raven
-- DiamondCoder on 3/18/2016 2:16:43 PM
-- Gamechannger78 on 3/20/2016 4:41:14 PM
3) I cAN'T WIN! LET ME WIN !!!!!M
-- annawood on 2/26/2015 7:00:12 PM
Pon-Pon & Zen-Zen
-- Isanshan on 5/8/2015 1:54:50 PM
Survive The Apocalypse
-- JohnSmith1219o2 on 11/25/2015 12:51:22 PM
Didn't realize "Wow" was so common, right next to "Hi" and ":)"
It's like the default comments are a disturbingly friendly Christopher Walken.
Cool, now I'm going to forever believe that various anonymous commenters are actually Christopher Walken.
We need a hashtag to bring down this method-acting menace! A powerful phrase! Something that's catchy!
@EVERYONE: Always make sure to add this at the end of comments recommending these "Waulken Comments" from now on! This man cannot be bargained with! He will stop at nothing short of a true and righteous uprising against him!
The email one didn't address the story anyway.
Say that Steve thinks he's hot and wants him sometime.
Recommending storygame comments for deletion:
Fairview Highschool Game
1) OmG!i won!
-- missIluvminecraft on 12/23/2015 7:38:46 AM with a score of 100
2) I win
-- goldenstar on 5/25/2015 8:36:36 PM
-- kyle on 9/3/2014 9:58:50 PM
Conquest: Chapter I
-- bells23 on 8/16/2012 5:44:29 PM
-- awesomeness1242 on 5/3/2012 10:21:31 PM
America: Made Apocalyptic
6)I won. First try.
-- B101 on 12/24/2016 5:18:05 PM
Don't remember if it was me or a friend though, since I thought I only left comments on quiz storygames.
Tsk, tsk, tsk...
How could you post one of those comments? :c
Very well, I shall. The purge truly spares no one.
Recommending comments for utter destruction:
-- Windpaw on 3/29/2016 11:40:25 AM with a score of 131
2) Yay, I'm moderately happy! I got 79/150.
-- SonicTurboTurtle on 9/7/2015 2:44:11 AM with a score of 79
3) Yay, I'm moderately happy! I got 79/150.
-- SonicTurboTurtle on 9/6/2015 5:04:40 PM with a score of 79
The above comment duplicated twice, so there would be just the original left when those two are deleted.
Julius Caesar: Stayin' Alive!
4) Being that I personally enjoy ancient history (Western Rome especially) I really enjoyed reading about the possibility of Caesar living
-- SilentSinger on 12/2/2013 5:18:36 AM
Four is a duplicate comment.
5) Bit too short and simple. He's the emperor !
-- lukiagamer on 5/26/2013 8:10:51 PM
Five is yet another duplicate comment.
6) I STAYED ALIIVEEEEE! :D
-- rae38 on 2/18/2013 2:52:49 PM
7) I DIED. :0
-- cricketface on 1/4/2013 8:16:41 PM
8) I'M ALIVE! I WIN!
-- geniusboy on 7/22/2012 3:18:18 AM
9) YESSSS I FUCKIN DID IT YEYYYYYY I DID IT MAN FUCKIN YES!!!!
-- Wilko19 on 5/27/2013 3:43:54 PM
10) Sorry that was my friend being an idiot. he's very excitable
-- Wilko19 on 5/27/2013 3:45:22 PM
11) At least I didn't die :)
-- English_Kinigget on 5/4/2011 9:21:06 PM
12) Yay, I didn't die!
-- English_Kinigget on 4/30/2011 11:48:35 PM
13) i live
-- on 5/24/2006 11:03:58 AM
-- Whatever on 6/13/2016 12:10:15 PM
-- MilSpec1775 on 5/6/2016 10:05:18 AM
Recommending comment for removal, on the grounds that, it is freaking annoying.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ITS SO GOOOD -- frisky_chromosome on 2/3/2017 7:10:39 AM with a score of 4524
On Order of the Midnight Sun.
The title of this thread disgusts me. There needs to be a revolution soon. But until that day, you can delete these.
Tried again. Ended up in Hell irl where I was fed Ginko Bilba flavored union food until I got all A's...
but good grades don't help in HELL!!!
Damn, I gotta get a new computer.
-- oops on 9/19/2016 6:33:18 PM with a score of 30
I hacked my computer while traveling through time, so I ended up in a reality where this game didn't exist. When I came back to this one, I ended up failing every test I ever took. EVER. Warning: Do NOT hack computers with time travel abilities.
-- oops on 9/19/2016 6:25:25 PM with a score of 43
On Finals Week. Just some random stuff I put there to amuse myself way back when. In my defense, this was before I knew that there were actually standards for these kind of things, and I've seen spammier comments than these left alone at the time.
EDIT: Oh and I don't need the points for this.
Recommending storygame comments for the furnace:
The Lost Expedition (1)
1) well done
-- alleycat on 11/19/2014 8:30:54 PM with a score of 0
The Road to Glasgow
-- dehandima on 11/30/2014 2:52:44 AM with a score of 0
3) i died. :'(
-- kayla and julia on 7/31/2015 2:11:29 AM
Insane Asylum Part 2
-- Kiel_Farren on 9/23/2013 9:19:58 PM
Make it to the bathroom!
-- QlhAah123 on 11/12/2015 6:08:00 PM
6) Who cares if I loose she was like gotta go pee sooo bad!??
-- Girlygamer20919 on 9/14/2015 11:56:23 PM
7) Add a Humor tag to this, I suppose.
-- bells23 on 5/14/2012 10:25:00 AM with a score of 0
9) Not good
-- Wasteland on 6/27/2012 12:58:57 AM
Cyrus the Great Beast Hunter
-- jamescoker1226 on 11/18/2014 8:51:41 PM with a score of 0
Reccommending a comment for deletion on Cyrus the Beast Hunter:
I never knew my brief stay in Japan was documented...
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 5/26/2015 1:04:25 PM with a score of 0
Reason: Cringy and 4chan-autistic delivery. Self-indulgent in-joke bullshit. Past me is always like that. Plus, the addendum is much funnier if you're left to imagine what I said without the dissappointment of actually reading it. Or you could delete that one too, because neither of those are opinions, but I don't wanna look like I'm covering my ass.
It's skeletons man. Skeletons all the way down.
I mean, I suppose since they aren't really saying anything about the story, we could delete them, but I wouldn't make them a priority or waste your time with them.
Not to mention these are just quizzes, not like they're a real story or anything. Personally I wish we didn't have the quizzes on the site. At least they aren't mazes I guess.
Some of these are fine! Thanking the author is fine and shouldn't be deleted, any comment that leads with "cool!" is clearly making a statement about the storygame. "Pretty cool, right?" That's fine. Etc.
Probably go through this one a bit at a time and pick through some of them.
EDIT: Finished with that, the rest can probably stay.
Thara's exciting fun-filled comments dive:
Homo Perfectus 7
-- haledakota on 7/11/2012 5:34:39 PM with a score of 0
Chess Master Stan!
Okay, since we're getting rid of all the comments that simply say "wow", or "yay", can we just put comments that only say meh in the same category? I run into those kind of comments alot.
-- foil7 on 1/6/2015 8:10:21 PM with a score of 0
3) ... i don't even know what to say.
-- ... on 6/25/2015 8:08:11 PM with a score of 0
4) Ha Ha now you die
-- GummiBearM on 2/18/2003 9:01:39 PM with a score of 0
The Ocean's Daughter
-- OceansAndSparks on 3/14/2015 3:52:34 PM with a score of 250
6) c'mon man
-- shadonai on 11/19/2014 10:57:07 AM with a score of 255
Underground to Canada
-- a on 4/3/2013 7:19:24 AM
Choose Your Own Madness
8) Whoops ;)
-- Jo Carter on 11/30/2015 3:15:09 PM
The "Meh" (and the lesser used "Eh") comments can go.
Meh, it happens.
Gone now anyway.
Escape from the Dead
1) It s...well.
-- WarriorCats on 12/29/2014 2:13:13 AM
2) at least i survived. :P
-- toni on 3/15/2013 2:17:05 AM
3) Yay! i won!
-- d on 10/21/2008 11:12:33 PM
-- TitanOfShadows on 1/21/2016 12:26:04 AM
-- qazlp10 on 11/22/2006 3:38:42 PM with a score of 1000
Recommending storygame for unpublishing:
Suburban Tales: On the Inside
Reasoning: As it is now, it's unfinished. Poor ratings, and the author even refers to it as a beta.
Thara finds comments for End to delete:
-- jelly on 3/26/2015 8:01:38 PM
2) pork and beans ooohhh yeaaaahhhh
-- yoshilove on 1/29/2013 3:54:19 PM
3) read better
-- betaband on 3/4/2012 9:22:07 PM
Do you Know the Classics?
-- Bolt78625 on 6/9/2015 9:26:40 AM with a score of 50
5) Very short I didn't really get it.
-- Zaguiza14 on 4/19/2015 1:05:44 PM
Five is a duplicate comment.
6) Um... Yay?!?
-- FeeLynLove24 on 8/3/2012 2:36:36 PM
Cantina Band: Dusty Death in D-minor
1) I won? Really? I did it? Yes!!!
-- Q on 10/14/2013 6:35:37 PM
2) i won. i think. yeah, i did.
-- fergie14233 on 11/15/2010 4:38:16 PM
You are a Fish
3) Yus I won. Enough said.
-- Cloudflame on 6/5/2015 3:46:27 PM
4) I won.
-- ShadowHunterJunior on 5/28/2015 3:35:22 AM
5) Need epilogue..What happen to Sam and Claire ?
-- on 1/13/2015 10:59:54 AM with a score of 0
Comment for deletion on
Randomly walk 2 epic sequel or whatevs
-- Bolt78625 on 8/12/2015 4:38:23 PM
Reason: It's a ":)" do I have to explain much more?
That Bolt guy sure loves his smiley faces.
Recomending some zombie story pick a path survival for deletion
Reason: 2.5 rating
Recomending storygames for deletion
Reason: Low Ratings
Can we recommend posts for commendation?
Recommending a comment for deletion
-- Legendx on 11/11/2014 8:22:24 PM
Storygame: Captive... or not
Reasoning: spammy lettering
Storygame: Armed Forces Quest: Terrorist Attack!
Reasoning: Poorly written. Two options per story: either you're right and get to continue or you're wrong and you die. Second link on the first page is there for the sake of links. More than 200 ratings and it is at a 2.76 player rating with a 1/8 length. I wasn't sure if it's able to be unpublished due to its current rating, but since that's flexible I'll leave this suggestion up.
i'm Recommending the story This One Elf Guy Goes on a Quest or Something for deletion. There doesn't seem to be any discernable plot. The grammar is terrible, and the punctuation is patchy at best.
?I'm recommending a comment on the above story for deletion.
Oh Dan, your boots are so cool. Let's go make out and stuff."
-- Pogostick on 2/15/2017 6:29:22 PM
??Its not a constructive comment its just a quote from the story.
Yeah, the elf one is going.
The story Mr. M mentioned stays for now. It's just hanging in there unless someone finds a broken/dead link on it or something.
EDIT: To hell with it, unpublishing it ahead of time. It really sucks a lot.
Yay or Nay?
I found that this story was mildly entertaining simply for the reason of wanting to click "Yay" a million times. But I digress. After all, this is a website for writing stories and improvements, yes? Let's get on with the review.
Firstly, I found that this story's length of pages was pretty decent besides the fact there was about two sentences for each. Creating more content and releasing a big, detailed escape stories would be most appropriate for the audience I am presuming that you are aiming for. This, however, doesn't quite strike my fancy. Perhaps try adding more content and puzzles to your game instead of simply two options and a description of each image.
Secondly, the choices are pretty much narrowed to Yes and No respectively. I believe if you added more choices that it would be better. Try your hand at more content as well, as I have previously stated.
Lastly, the plot of this game was nonexistent. If every story had an elaborate plot, it would be paradise, wouldn't it? Let's get one step closer to that if we can.
I do hope you take this constructive criticism to mind. Please don't take this as a bashing on your story. I mean and hope the best for your writing potential.
-- At_Your_Throat on 1/30/2017 7:47:32 PM
Yeah I thought about featuring that one before, but considering this story is rated even lower than the one Mr. M suggested (and I just deleted that one) I'm waiting to see if it's going to get any lower first.
I probably should add a new rule of suggesting comments on stories with a 3 or higher.
EDIT: Okay, updated the rules slightly.
Does this new rule also apply to recommending comments for deletion? I would assume so, I think.
Yeah, I thought I added that bit. Oh well next thread.
Basically if I'm unpublishing a story anyway, there is no point in recommending a comment for deletion in the same story.
Recommending comments for deletion
-- GMB13carat on 7/31/2015 7:39:23 AM
Storygame: The Weird Day
Reasoning: It's just an emoticon, and it doesn't address the story...or anything, really.
-- baus on 10/9/2014 2:07:30 PM
Storygame: same one as the first suggestion
Reasoning: Doesn't address the story.
Storygame: The Ant Hill Kids
Reasoning: It's not a storygame, simply put. It's a project with no story and no decisions the reader can make, as you can tell.
Yeah, I remember that one. It's like the author sent his research paper to the wrong site.
Recommending storygame comments for deletion:
-- goldenstar on 5/25/2015 9:42:09 PM
-- Jolt on 1/31/2015 9:47:52 PM
-- WarriorCatsRPStories on 12/6/2014 9:22:41 PM
Blunder Brain Bob Baldwin of Baltimore in: No Escape
4) I win! I WIN!!!
-- immolation on 11/15/2002 1:39:21 AM
5 I WON AGAIN!!!!
-- immolation on 11/15/2002 1:41:08 AM
-- Rommel on 3/24/2007 12:28:52 AM
(He has another comment on this game anyway.)
Danny Phantom's Adventure
-- MisterMeep5 on 3/31/2016 11:19:25 PM
-- gamebruh on 4/17/2015 2:12:30 PM
I'm not sure about these next two, but I'll leave it up for you to decide.
9) many erros
-- Harmphrey on 10/16/2013 3:36:34 PM
10) "many erros"? Really, Harmphrey? Really?
-- Kiel_Farren on 12/1/2013 9:17:30 AM
Gotta love those comments that reply to other comments.
HOW WAS I SUPOSED TO DEFEAT THAT LAST GUY????!!! Great game though :D
-- Chickdove on 12/23/2016 12:45:41 PM with a score of 4
Storygame: Forum Wars
Reasoning: Spammy punctuation and capitalization.
Might have kept that one since it wasn't stretching out the page and he bothered to comment on the actual story.
But standards should be maintained and it was filthy orderless scum anyway, so purged.
Recommending comments for deletion
Holloween Adventure 2: Return to the Halloween Dimension!
1. Awesome game cant wait till the 3rd
-- scrib on 5/21/2004 2:47:07 PM with a score of 10100
-- hummingbird3 on 4/10/2010 9:58:57 PM with a score of 10100
A Hero is Born.. for deletion. I'd list what is wrong with it, but it would be easier to list what isn't wrong with it. Pretty much your entire list of reasons apply to this story game. I read this once before, before I took my year long break, and it still isn't fixed.
To be honest I like that one.
Don't get my wrong it has potential, but like I said it's been a year and it hasn't been fixed. There are so many plot holes its like looking at swiss cheese. Its also ill paced and full of grammar and spelling errors.
Still, it has a rating of higher then 2.5 and the writing overall is decent. Just because it hasn't been updates and fixed and has spelling errors isn't a reason to remove a storygame.
As I said the plot is shit, and it is ill paced. Hell the first choice you make is either choose the right target or you die. Anyways its not up to you. If you don't think it should be deleted talk to EndMaster about it.
If we're going to be quoting things here, how about this one?
?Now please be quiet.
I was really more referring to Minnie with that post.
After receiving at least 10 ratings and being published for at least 3 days, the storygame is rated 2.4 or less. (Though this is flexible if it's particularly bad and still in the 2.5-2.9 range) - No.
The storygame has all of the following characteristics:
Grammar and style poor enough that it cannot be ignored - No.
A plot which is poor or nonexistent - Subjective, but I believe the plot is okay-ish at the least.
Poor pacing (usually characterized by frequent and unpredictable end game links) - I would agree.
A lack of important decisions - No.
Unbelievable or overly cliched dialogue (if dialogue is present in the story) - No.
The storygame has "dead" pages- pages with no links or way to proceed. - No.
The storygame's central concept is pornographic in nature - No.
The storygame is not a storygame and is instead intended to fulfill a goal such as communicating with another member (including all inside jokes) or advertising a product. - No.
The storygame is explicitly described by the author as a "troll" game, or intentionally poor quality. - No.
Any unfinished story.
What qualifies a story as "unfinished?"
1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo." - No.
2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later. - No.
Guy's can you please stop now? I'm starting to sound like a broken record here, but I'll say it again. It is not up to you! You have no say in it being deleted one way or another. If EndMaster thinks it should be unpublished, it will be. If he thinks it is good enough to stay, then he won't delete it. Now everyone not an admin shut the hell up about my recommendation.
This might be the first time i've ever sided with Banner in a disagreement.
Actually EndMaster said that if you have an issue with a recommendation to stay silent, and that he will decide.
Ok, so let's all stop replying right now.
Good thing Mizal asked me what was going on in the DMA thread (To which I asked, "What the hell is DMA?") because this is the first I've even stumbled upon this conversation.
Anyway, staying up for now.
Comments for Deletion on: Choose your own Misadventure
1) Ummmmm... What? 3/8
-- thebigE on 4/23/2016 12:19:45 AM
2) I beat the whole game
-- youngsky22 on 11/16/2015 2:20:02 PM
I'm not sure about number one. But it doesn't really address the story, so I think it should go.
Recommended comment for featuring: (My faction shall prevail! Mark my words!)
1. Filled to the brim with grammar and spelling errors. Just on the first page, the words ‘recognize’ and ‘noise’ have been mercilessly butchered into “reakodnise” and “nosie”, respectably. Not to mention the awkward sentence phrasing.
“You wake up. There is a loud buzzing noise.”
This could be better formatted as: ‘A loud buzzing noise stirs you from your sleep.’
This sentence flows a lot better and tells the reader that the squirrel woke up due to the buzzing sound.
More awkward sentence phrasing: “You look down and see that the nosie is coming from the ground, where a man in a yellow jacket is sawing down your tree. There is a man next to him.”
This would be much better formatted as: ‘You look down and see a man in a yellow jacket with a chainsaw sawing down your tree. Another man stands idly by, seemingly waiting for the tree to fall.’
Since you’ve already mentioned the buzzing sound, there’s no reason to mention it again. It also solves the problem of it sounding like it came from the ground rather than the chainsaw.
“You can’t reakodnise him but you see a twitching eye, and you realise it an evil man. One that is obsessed with squirrel pelts.”
This would be much better formatted as: ‘You can’t recognize him but you see a twitching eye, and you realize it’s an evil man, one that is obsessed with squirrel pelts.’ This way, the fragment is fixed.
I also question how a twitching eye can signify evil but the fact that he wants to kill you doesn't. I also question how sawing down a tree to kill squirrels is a preferred course of action versus hunting rifles. I also question why the squirrel jumped to the conclusion that the man wants to kill squirrels when there's no evidence to back up that thinking and it's more likely that he would want the wood from the tree.
On the next page, the first quotation marks when a new piece of dialogue starts have spaces after them, the ‘I’s are not capitalized, a new paragraph does not start when a new piece of dialogue starts, and quotation marks are used for thoughts. Thoughts can be portrayed in a number of ways, but the best way in my opinion is to italicize the thought.
On the ‘save your mum’ path, why don’t I just wake her up? Also, “Crawl down tree” should be ‘crawl down the tree’ and “jump to another” should be ‘jump to a nearby tree’.
“There is a loud slicing nosie. And a head goes flying past.”
A fragment, change it to: ‘There is a loud slicing noise, and a head goes flying past.’
“It is five minutes later.”
This makes it sound like it’s already been five minutes rather than indicating a passage of time. This would be much better formatted as: ‘Five minutes pass, and still nothing.’
“It had been shot in the chest, and it’s eyes had been scratched out.”
This is past tense; this would be better formatted as: ‘It has been shot in the chest, and its eyes have been scratched out.’
“You struggle with him, he getts angry and bites your head off. The is one bad boy!”
This is just too random, unrealistic and unsatisfying. A kid does not have the ability to bite a small animal’s head off and would not try to do so. Not to mention that the storygame just ends right there, the death not even being interesting nor does it wrap up the story in a satisfying way.
Overall, the storygame desperately needs a thorough proofread. It also needs a complete overhaul that removes all the non-sensical, random and idiotic material and plot-holes, and adds in substantial material such as character development, descriptions of what is happening and what the environment and characters look like, backstories, personalities, and a clear and concise sequence of events that are believable. The only positive aspect of this game is that it isn’t linear.
-- Bannerlord on 2/20/2017 10:56:37 PM
Wizard Duel at Wizard School
1. Recommending a comment for featuring
I'm not sure if I buy into your logic on most of those. I have to assume my player character is just an absolute idiot to use his powers in such unimaginative and foolish ways.
Personally, I find the 'salvation through unexpected means' thing to be a really annoying cliche that needs to be properly foreshadowed to work well. And in a story this short, there is no opportunity to do so.
Also, if a wizard is invincible from enemy attack just by accepting he can't stop it, then why ever bother learning any defensive magic? He also becomes akin to a god and in a longer story that would turn him into a Mary Sue.
The general idea has promise, but it needs to be developed into a much longer story to be fully utilized. Most fantasy usually requires hefty word counts because of the world building that goes into it.
I didn't notice any jarring grammar errors though. And it'd be interesting to see where you'd take this if you made it more in depth.
-- Bucky on 3/26/2015 1:56:43 PM
Recommending comments for deletion
2. YOU LOSE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS
-- dragon396 on 3/30/2015 10:52:40 AM
3. tried everyone none worked
-- Aetherskyes on 9/24/2016 10:58:11 PM
Reason: The comments claim the game is impossible to win, which isn't true
Comments for deletion.
A CYOA Poem
-- XBaconRebellionX on 1/22/2016 1:04:17 AM
Reason: Gives no relation to the story at all
2) ummm... okay...
-- thebigE on 7/2/2016 2:39:51 PM
3) Omfg finally beat it!!!!
-- CeruleanFlare on 12/17/2016 8:02:36 PM with a score of 10000
-- Jimmysutton on 4/13/2016 2:06:36 PM with a score of 5000
Reason: No relation to the story
This is an excellent Storygame, and it is quite obvious to those with a functioning brain why this is one of the best Storygame she in the site, but I do not think that it is the very best. It had a hard battle with stories like Eternal, but with the way the author wrote this, it could very well win that battle.
The flow of the writing was set at a perfect pace. The writing was complex and didn't have that choppy feel that you get from some of the stories that can be found on this site, which greatly improved the flow and gave it a very smooth feel. Action scenes were smoothly developed and foreshadowed admiringly by the author, creating a good suspenseful feeling for me as a reader.
The way the plot was developed was simply masterful. This story had everything; exposition, raising action, numerous climactic scenes, even more action and suspense that couldn't be quite labeled as "falling action", and a variety of resolutions. Each scene kept me on the edge of my seat and I found myself clicking that link to the next page faster than Usain Bolt can run.
The writing was very descriptive and I could clearly picture each scene in my mind, and I felt as though I was actually a part of the story. Generic movie crap isn't included in this story, and it really comes down to you and your brain.
Each character in the story is introduced and developed in a way that makes me feel as if I've known them for a long time and I can understand everything about them. They become part of the virtual world created by the author's writing and play an important role in developing the story.
It is quite obvious that a great deal of time and effort was put into proofreading this because I didn't notice any mistakes in grammar or spelling, and even if I had, I doubt they would have taken anything from this Storygame.
-- Nyctophilia on 2/22/2017 1:19:26 AM with a score of 1660
I think this comment should replace the one left by Ugilick. I hope I did this right, please correct me if I did something wrong.
Just one glaring error that prevents it from featuring.
" Storygame she in the site"
Strange place to have the word "she".
Anyway, just repost the same thing with the correction, and it will get featured.
My IPad tends to make stupid corrections, so the "s" off of "Storygames" was changed to "Storygame she". I'll fix it right now.
The story is currently at 2.8, meaning it's on the verge of getting unpublished. I'm only bothering to feature comments that are at least 3 or higher.
And did you turn your PMs off because I tried sending you one and it wouldn't go through and so far, you're the only person that's happening with.
Locked Out (The Movie)
Add previously featured tag
Recommending A Comment For Featuring:
I certainly did enjoy this story, but this was only because of the idea created by the author. The writing irked me and I have several complaints about it, but I can see why it is a very highly regarded storygame. The one thing that I do not understand is why it is ranked so highly in comparison to other stories by esteemed authors like EndMaster, Berka, and Will.
The writing is very choppy and incomplete, but can easily be fixed by combining some of the sentences to make more complex and structured writing, because that is what is needed with an idea like this.
Each event was nicely placed and wasn't introduced too quickly or too slowly. The attention to detail was nice as well, but a few situations could be changed for a more smooth and fulfilling transition, along with some being slowed down for a better understanding of what's going on.
The writing was nicely detailed, with enough description to give the reader a nice idea of each scene. Some parts though, needed a bit more detail as to not leave the reader confused about what he/she just read.
Some of the conflicts the character faces are a bit extreme, and the solutions even more. I think a different idea could have been inserted for more practicality and have a more clear storyline.
In some situations, I could think of many different choices I could have made rather than being forced to do a certain action. I think a larger variety of choices would make for a better story and a much larger and less linear plot line, but the story wasn't very linear, so congrats to you.
I caught quite a few mistakes in grammar and spelling, which can be solved with some time and effort spent in proofreading, and someone else's help would speed up the process and leave less chance for missing some of the mistakes.
-- Nyctophilia on 2/22/2017 11:23:45 AM with a score of 0
I think this comment should replace the one by Zend Denmer
YOU LOSE EVEN IF YOU FIND "FIND YOUR MUSE"
-- dragon396 on 11/12/2015 7:51:16 PM with a score of 89
Storygame: Finding the Muse
Reasoning: All caps, spammy. Also I'm pretty sure it's misleading. If I recall correctly finding your muse is the winning/best ending.
This will always be my favorite series on the site. This storygame was the first one I ever read and it was what captivated me and drew me into the CYTian community. The idea behind this is amazing, and the whole series is worthy of being featured. I think that the length is great and the action is well-paced, and so good that it keeps you on your toes the whole time.
The writing flows magnificently, adjusting with each scene like water into a new container. The pace switches to accommodate each scene as well, and it just has a way of attracting the reader to keep reading and to play again and again to the the full story.
It was a very good idea to give a bit of a backstory for our character so that we as readers are not confused by being thrown into conflict. The plot thickens and is very structured, with everything a story needs to be featured. With the help of the advanced editor, this makes it even more complex and highly addicting.
One complaint I do have is the lack of descriptive writing. There is some of course, but I feel that a story along these margins requires a lot more than produced. I like to have a feeling of being a part of the story itself, like it is a film being played inside my mind.
Another problem is how characters are introduced. They feel thrown in, like someone being pushed inside a boxing ring and being forced to reveal themselves to us. With a bit of work, character introduction can greatly improve your story for a stronger attachment to the character from the reader. You did very well with developing the characters thoug, and this more than makes up for everything. Changes in Adam are easily seen and foreshadowed to give us an idea of how to use him effectively.
I can't say much about the practicality of your solutions, as this is a superhero story, but the conflicts are generally realistic and are inserted at a good pace that complements the plot line nicely.
The story avoids linearity and gives us as readers a wide variety of options, aided by the advanced editor so that we can play again and aim for a different ending.
If I recall correctly, English isn't the authors first language, so proofreading with someone's help is always important, and I didn't actually catch many errors. They do not affect the storyline, so no complaints about that.
-- Nyctophilia on 2/22/2017 12:14:54 PM with a score of 0
As the second installment in the Homo Perfectus series, I'm happy to say that this was a decent sequel to Homo Perfectus, but I am a bit disappointed in some things about it. I like how more background information was provided and some time passed before the next conflict Adam will have to face. It was much more difficult and I like how more abilities were introduced but I have yet to use all of the abilities in the game.
Unlike Homo Perfectus, the writing is a bit choppy and I feel like it has dropped in quality from the first one. Fighting scenes felt short and uneventful, which also was disappointing. I think that more time and effort should have been put into this because I think that with more attention to specifics, this could even top Homo Perfectus.
The plot was basic and sadly wasn't as structured as I thought it would be. I liked how each scene was introduced though so that was satisfying to read and improved my overall opinion of the storygame. I understand that the advanced editor can be difficult to work with and to understand, so congratulations on successfully using to create storygames like this. The health was a bit broken though, so I was at -5 before I died, rather than at the traditional death mark: 0.
Descriptive writing is still a problem in this (sadly) and I wish that the author would include more because much of it is very repetitive and irrelevant to the situation itself, and as stated before, a storygame like this requires more descriptions than the average story.
Character introductions was improved from Homo Perfectus, so I'm very happy about that. I like how a side story was made for Damage so that his character can be developed and more understood by the readers. Adam has evidently grown a lot and I like how we have the choice to affect this and his actions.
I can't say much about the practicality of your solutions, as this is a superhero story, but the conflicts are generally realistic and are inserted at a good pace that complements the plot line nicely.
I was disappointed that we couldn't use some of the abilities in certain situations, and I could see ways for them to be used so that we can have a good variety of choices and endings for the story.
Spelling and grammar was even worse than in the first one, and I hate to say but the author’s lack of sufficient knowledge of the English language take s a bit away from the story in this one, which isn't a good sign. I think more proofreading is neccessary and shouldn't be done with more caution and care for detail.
Eyes Of An Angle
Reasoning: Poor ratings, quality, drawings, poor all around. Also that moving animation for the title... it hurts my eyes to gaze upon it.
But maybe you should read it yourself before unpublishing it if you haven't already. Or afterwards, your choice of course.
I don't even know how that one's still up.
It's more than a decade old and standards were quite different back then from now.
Or something to that effect.
My eyes... urgh.
Recommending A Comment For Featuring:
This is excellent! It's a very nice improvement on Homo Perfectus 1&2, and I'm so glad that the author was able to continue to come up with new ideas and such for this storygame. With this third installment of the series, it is easily leading the pack of the other series's. As I continue to play through each one, I'm being drawn to play the next one as soon as possible because they are so much fun to play, and they are a great challenge for the mind. The length is perfect for this type of story, and has eneough space for numerous scenes of action, drama, and romance.
Unlike Homo Perfectus 2, the writing flows together nicely, with a good blend of complexity, structure, and basic diction. The writing hints at approaching danger, but I think that at a few moments in the story it is too obvious and should be re-worded. As long as you're actually reading and paying attention to the story, you can usually find the right solution to each problem thrown your way.
Homo Perfectus 3 has an incredible plot line that is like a roller coaster ride for us as readers. It gives a good amount of action to the story and allows for the reader to adjust nicely to each scene. As I've stated before, there are plenty of different climatic points in the storygame that can give the reader that rush of adrenaline that should be included in every storygame.
I have stated this twice now, and yet the author has still not quite managed to effectively describe each scene with the amount of detail required for a feature-worthy storygame. I'm severely disappointed in this aspect and I hope in the future that things can be different and the very best Homo Perfectus storygame will be created.
I like that characters are being nicely introduced and we as readers can relate with them immediately with the way the author describes and develops them, hiving us scenes of drama and realization that can make an emotional masterpiece of a story. In this one, Eve is undergoing deeper changes internally and her character revolves around the problems she herself creates.
The challenges as stated are now emotional as well as physical, giving us a deeper understanding and relation to the storyline. We can relate to the struggles Adam and Eve go through as being outsides in humanity and aren't quite treated as they'd like, which makes the identity of Shade even more appealing to them.
I'm still having a problem with not being able to use some of the abilities in certain situations, making the storygame much more difficult and slightly more linear. At the beginning of the storygame, it is automatically assumed that the story follows from the path that gives the best ending, so the others have virtually no purpose.
There were more grammatical errors rather than spelling this time, especially to the term "loose". It is used incorrectly many times, and the correct one would be "lose". I'd be happy to proofread if there is a future Homo Perfectus storygame.
-- Nyctophilia on 2/22/2017 6:52:11 PM with a score of 0
To replace the comment left by written_agreement
If you plan to write more comments you're gonna try and get featured, I recomend doing not one at a time. It kinda clutters the thread when you post 10 times a day.
Thank you for the suggestion. I plan on writing five comments a day and submitting them all together, but today's just been a mess and I've done my comments randomly throughout the day so I just posted them. Tomorrow should be more organized.
A Magical Tale Recommending for unpublishing. ?
Reason: ?Dead link, spelling errors, grammatical errors, iffy plot, and poor dialog. There is also very little details to help you choose what to do next. The biggest issue is the broken link. In order to find it the path you must follow is, you follow, approach the cottage, you tell them the truth, dash to the portal, change your mind and jump back, run to the door kicking the witches, The broken link is going to be "try to escape." If you click on it, it just keeps cycling back on itself.
Ok that's really starting to get annoying. Anyone know why question marks keep popping up randomly whenever I post something?
It's because the site doesn't recognize whatever you put there.
Makes me wonder what it was I put. All I put was regular letters and symbols.
Recommending a Comment for Deleting:
1) Answer the Call
YAY I BEAT IT!
-- CeruleanFlare on 12/18/2016 10:16:20 AM with a score of 582
1. Recommending a comment for deletion
There's a bug where whenever you use eye drops you end up in the gas room.
-- Swiftstryker on 10/5/2012 6:31:39 PM with a score of 0
2. Recommending a comment for featuring
There are a few misspelled words and multiple grammar mistakes. I would recommend getting someone to test and edit your game before you publish. Also your title should be capitalized as 'Don't Blink'.
The concept of the game itself if very unique and can definitely be improved upon. However you should probably put the next part--assuming there is going to be a second part--in with this one to make it one storygame since this one is much too short to be split into parts. Also you may want to use a little more detail when you're writing for I couldn't quite tell what was going on for some parts of the story.
The last part I wanted to comment on is that when you are speaking of the five doors, you don't have to list them out (1, 2, 3...). You can instead describe all of them in a paragraph and the links can say 'Red door' or 'Door to office' etc.
-- fergie14233 on 10/11/2012 11:13:00 AM with a score of 0
this should replace the comment:
It was good. I liked the story, though I wish there was more of it. Use of items was good. I do wish more had been explained about the creatures, why you are a subject, ect. Otherwise, good story :D
-- simplesabley on 10/5/2012 4:24:31 PM with a score of 0
I'll have to think about fergie's comment. There isn't really anything wrong with it, just seems a little short to qualify.
Under the old ways, I'd feature it and replace sabley's, but since everyone gets commendation rewards now for them, it helps if they're a little more thorough.
Homo Perfectus 4 is the best one I've read so far, and I have high hopes for the next four of the Homo Perfectus series. As I continue to read, it only reinforces my opinion that this is the best series on the site. I'm happy that the third Homo Perfectus wasn't the last. I believe that it is amazing that the author considered the opinion of his readers and continued the story, despite stating that Homo Perfectus 3 would be the end of the series. I hope to see another one in the future, but i can imagine that it must be hard to keep coming up with different and original ideas for a new storygame.
Despite the challenges the author faces made by the language barrier, he still manages to portray the writing in a mostly smooth and complex manner, letting the story progress nicely. It could be improved but it is sufficient enough to keep the reader entertained and focused on the events of the story as they progress.
As usual, the author is very accomplished progressing the story at a timely manner with scenes of action and violence. The story evolves as the plot line continues, rising and falling with fights, puzzles, and decision making moments.
I'm sure it is well known by now that descriptive writing and paying attention to detailed information in a story has been a problem with the series, but it has slightly improved since Homo Perfectus. I still think that it should be better, and would greatly improve the story idea and the writing.
Throughout the series, we've been able to connect well with characters’ thoughts, emotions, and actions. Some characters are a bit shoved into the story, others nicely introduced as to not disrupt the mood set by the author.
Spelling and grammar are still big problems, so proofreading is very important and should be done thoroughly.
-- Nyctophilia on 2/24/2017 1:36:58 PM with a score of 125
Comments for deletion on: Failing
-- Ciiehghsi on 8/26/2015 3:28:46 PM
Reason: Spammy S's and annoying spacing
-- Shadow_Strider on 7/23/2015 9:14:54 PM
ok i just said 6
-- aeconstory on 7/20/2015 9:18:33 AM
Comment for Featuring on: The White Face
Well, you put some time and effort into it. That's obvious.
But I really feel like parts were lazy and thrown together, as if you felt the need to publish it right away and rushed some of it.
I really love and hate the story at the same time, because there were few choices and somewhat abrupt endings, but at the same time the writing was very good and I would want to read more from the author.
And while the choices were few, there was quite a lot of reading. This makes the storygame more story then game, and that might take away from your ratings a bit.
There were also grammar errors, and not just one or two. Closer proofreading is gonna help you a lot in storygame writing.
Like DEP said, expand. Add more branches and overall choices, and this storygame could be much greater then it currently is.
I'm gonna say 3/8. I hope you take this constructive critisism and improve your writing :)
-- MinnieKing on 2/25/2017 3:12:49 PM
To replace Madglee's comment.
And a comment for featuring on Horsing Around
Time to break out the big guns.
To begins, there were little to no choices. For example, when you have the choice to "Bite him?" Or "Let him?", biting only makes you choose "Let him?", and that's not a choice.
Multiple spelling mistakes were scattered around the storygame, such as "realise" and "recognise" instead of "realize" and "recognize." Was your Z key broken when you wrote this or something?
The plot was interesting at best, and could have been decent if you'd fleshed it out more. Playing as a horse is a rather interesting perspective, but the choices seemed pointless, making the plot overall not very good.
You gave little to no detail of anything, and when I simply know that i'm playing as a horse, I get miffed. Why? Because I don't know, am I a white horse, a black horse, a brown horse, a young horse, an old horse? I could have been a squid horse with a built in plasma gun for all I know.
There was only one actual path, and zero branching. And i'm not exaggerating when I say you cannot make a single choice that actually effects the story in any way, (unless you die or have to return to the stable, which about 70% of the links make you.)
I feel like i'm being generous giving you a 2/8.
-- MinnieKing on 2/25/2017 3:42:45 PM
Twilight of Apocalypse Pt: 1
Reasoning: Low ratings and is also physically painful to read through. Also, some of the pages continuously loop. Actually, it's so terrible that I did not bother going through further pain to rate it.
Agreed, it's terrible.
Not to mention it's literally as close to 2.5 or lower as it can get.
Recommending yet another storygame for unpublishing:
Summer Lasts Forever
Reasoning: "Peanut Butter Sandwich." Also, low ratings.
Recommending storygame for tagging:
1) Part of Series
Also, recommending a story for unpublishing:
Words you probably don't Know
Reasoning: Low ratings and it's literally just three questions. The end. Ah, and there's poor grammar that becomes rather ironic.
Yeah, another one gone.
So, did he just republish his storygame again?
True art must be preserved.
It was a dark and creepy night
Recommending a comment for featuring
1. At first I thought I would enjoy this game. The pages while rather short, did set up a rather creepy setting, as I continued I was a bit eager to see what would happen...then a f'ing dragon randomly shows up in the story and wants me to solve a "riddle". The reason why I put riddle in quotes is because apparently this dragon can't tell the difference between a riddle and a f'ing math problem. So now I'm taken out of the horror setting to do math...fun. The story abruptly ends after solving the problem and which might actually be good thing, god only knows what random nonsense would appear if the story was any longer. Other then that there are no branching paths, only chose right or die options, with little to no indication of what the right choice could possibly be. Unless you really want a free point or are trying to get the top rated trophy, you would do best to avoid.
-- Agstand on 2/27/2017 12:54:11 PM
2. dang i won
-- bells23 on 6/7/2012 1:26:33 PM
3. HOLY SHIT I WON.
-- Swiftstryker on 4/12/2012 7:57:17 PM
-- betaband on 2/21/2012 8:47:35 PM
Comment for featuring on:
The Time Machine Episode One: Time Travel
The first thing I noticed is that the writing is very choppy and simple. These sentences are averaging around six words each, and lower the quality of the storygame. I recommend combining some of these sentences and improving the complexity of some of your words with more detail and backstory.
The use of items is completely unnecessary, since you add a link to use the item, rather than the reader having to use it themselves. For example, on the second page the reader receives a large package. Instead of getting to use it, there's a link to open it. This makes the item completely unnecessary, but I guess you were just experimenting with the advanced editor.
Foreshadowing is neccessary in every storygame (in my opinion) because then the reader has no clue as to what will happen. One example is how the reader has an option to build the time machine rather than go to school, but there's no foreshadowing to say that the crystal will break (spoiler!) and that's the end already.
This isn't a bad story at all, and I like the idea behind it. I just wish it was longer and provided more detail and backstory for our character and the situations we face. On a final note, you did pretty well with proofreading, because I didn't no notice any errors in spelling and grammar.
-- Nyctophilia on 2/28/2017 6:54:17 PM with a score of 3
Recommending comments for deletion:
Spoonboy Must die!
1. Beat it yay!
-- CeruleanFlare on 12/22/2016 3:17:40 PM
-- 3f2d on 3/3/2012 1:35:14 AM
-- Havacoman on 9/6/2005 9:58:44 PM
1) YAY BEAT IT!!!!
-- CeruleanFlare on 12/24/2016 3:07:33 PM with a score of 40
2) i finished it! yehey!
-- lem on 1/10/2016 3:32:11 PM with a score of 30
3) i'll try again
-- lem on 1/10/2016 3:06:46 PM with a score of 5
-- kate on 1/31/2014 11:35:00 PM with a score of 40
5) what's that????
-- lsi on 2/20/2007 6:31:44 PM with a score of 30
High School Romance
-- ityj on 3/27/2015 12:34:35 PM
-- sage on 12/6/2014 12:46:08 PM
8) I'm a girl. xDD why am I here
-- Kira on 12/24/2015 12:19:36 AM
The Corn Maze
9) I won!
-- ShadowHunterJunior on 5/27/2015 11:25:18 AM
The 46th Annual Hunger Games
Reasoning: Poor ratings, it's awfully short, and the game is pretty much "pick the right choice or die!" There's not really a story here, or any characterization. Literally some of the characters don't even have any names, they're just listed as a boy or girl from some random district. So there's also a degree of laziness present in this storygame, which isn't very good.
Comments for featuring.
Last Scream Before you Die
The text and spacing is a bit weird.....but hey, it's your storygame! A good thing about that is that I can easily notice all of the spelling and grammar mistakes here, so that needs to be fixed. Remember, proofreading is the writer's best friend! The use of pictures is very nice, but maybe some more could be included along with more description, because pictures don't make up for all escroption a story needs.
You did one thing right, and that's giving the reader complete control over their actions. A linear story isn't a good one, so it's very nice to have a storygame like this I can enjoy and choose my options without having my character do things I didn't have a say in. I just wish that we had some kind of warning about the boy that kills the character (spoiler!) rather than we die as soon as we open the door.
With a bit more detail, length, effort, and background, this could be a very good storygame that could bring something great to the horror section of CYS.
-- Nyctophilia on 3/1/2017 7:45:16 PM with a score of 0
I really like how you started off the beginning with throwing the reader into a deadly scene that has already been developed, letting the story take off from there. It's very nice and gives an intense feel to the storygame.
The description of the situation is great as well,
so that's impressive for your first storygame (I think this is your first?)
I just wish that everything wasn't decided for us. Some situations could have been handles by the reader in a smarter way that what our character did on their own. The storygame ends very quickly as well, so the linearity of this really irks me.
I'm guessing that you got tired of writing this and decided to put a quick end to it, which isn't very smart. You had a very nice storygame going here, and it's sad that it was wasted in such a way. My rating will definitely increase if this is finished some time in the future. :)
-- Nyctophilia on 3/1/2017 7:44:04 PM
First Dates Can Be Tricky
I actually really enjoyed this storygame, and it held a lot more than expected from the story length. I think that with some more story behind this, it could certainly be one of the better storygames that can be found here.
Very little errors can be found in grammar and spelling, which shows the fort the author put into their storygame.
I really like how the author provided such a fulfilling story with only a small amount of words, which is very impressive to me. On one of that paths, it reveals that there's a whole other story, so that could also be provided to increase the length.
Another thing I enjoyed was how there's different paths available, so it's not linear like some stories that are twice as long but not even as good. Hopefully in the future the author can either add to this or create a whole new storygame altogether, which I would not hesitate to read.
-- Nyctophilia on 3/1/2017 7:44:02 PM
Revenge of the Sphinx
I am a big fan of riddles (I'm the Riddle Wizard!), so I enjoyed playing this storygame very much. I did have some issues with this, however, and that ruined the experience. Hopefully this can be fixed and updated to make it more enjoyable for future readers.
This wasn't very well researched. I feel like barely any effort was put into this, especially when it came to giving the backstory of the Sphinx and how it came to this situation in which the storygame takes place. In the first page, the history of the Sphinx is very vague and non-descriptive. It could be improved with more research and time put into creating this.
If there were any spelling and grammar mistakes, I must have missed them, so kudos to you! ^~^. Good luck in further storygames, and following my advice will certainly help for a future storygame.
-- Nyctophilia on 3/1/2017 7:41:42 PM
Awesomeland - The Adventure Begins
This game's maturity level is misleading. I thought this was a game for kids to be honest.
Alright, I'll start with my criticism now.
The thing that I hate about most stories is that the first page doesn't hook me at all. It is the foundation of your storygame! At least you make up for it by making your game interesting.
Second, this game is... random. I understand that it may be the whole point but you didn't do a fine job being random. This game's idea wasn't really thought out and every option on the game is random.
Here's my third point. I gone through about 4 endings and realized that this game is so linear. So much end game and leave comments links that your story ends in 3 clicks or so. I gave up trying to find the other endings because i'm sure that the game will end suddenly.
The fourth point? The maturity level. How is this game a choking hazard for children under 4 if it includes swearing?
The fifth point? The description says that this game is a serious funny storygame. There's clearly a difference between a game with random choices and a funny serious story with a plot. It's simply too random to be considered a story at all! A story have a well thought plot and not just random choices.
Here are some positives:
The author of this story did a good job putting details into this story. At least you didn't make this story boring. The only problem is the slightly random first page.
-- Plelb on 1/21/2017 11:01:09 AM
I am charmed by your writing style and the world you've begun creating. I don't think we need a lot of background, because it seems to be irrelevant to the story. Your story seems to thrive in that aspect of now where the past doesn't exist. I like how your branching story arcs lead back to specific endings almost as if you achieve endings based on the thought and emotion behind the decisions you made. Specific types of decisions lead to specific types of endings. I would have liked that to be fleshed out more because aside from one particular ending, none of them really felt earned.
Your writing was enough to get me in, but I think the story itself needed a bit more meat.
-- Tyrannosaurusrex on 3/1/2017 6:58:05 PM with a score of 0
Comments for Featuring!
Attack on the Castle
The writing wasn't exactly what I would call bad, but I noticed a lack of detail. Detail is really what makes a storygame a storygame, and I felt this just needed more to be fully fleshed out.
The plot itself was decent. Many parts didn't make sense, like in Ravens comment it was stated that the warning probably would have been received sooner in the situation.
One of the things that really got me was a dead link. These are really annoying and it makes no sense to have it, and you should really fix this problem.
Like Insaid, the writing isn't bad, but the story felt rushed, like the author felt there was some sort of thing that forced them to publish it as soon as possible. Spend more time on your storygames.
After a while I found myself bored. This storygames plot and development could really be fleshed out better with some kind of scripting.
Well, I guess i'll go ahead and give this a 2/8. Not the worst, but spend more time on it.
-- MinnieKing on 3/2/2017 6:43:43 PM
Calvin and Hobbes Quiz
I really do not know how this has the rating it has.
One of the many, many problems with this quiz is the grammar and spelling, such as "role" instead of "roll." You need to proofread closer to make quality quizzes.
Honestly, I feel like a five year old could write a better quiz then this. Seriosuly, it feels so lazy. It's not a very good quiz if you literally have to guess the right answer every time to progress.
Another example of the laziness is that every time you get a wrong answer, the page is a dead end. The very least you could have done would be to put a previous page link.
It was really short with hardly any text on each page, so maybe on the correct answer pages you could put more detail on the comics reasoning?
I really feel like zero effort was put into this. 1/8, try harder please.
-- MinnieKing on 3/2/2017 6:51:37 PM
This is one of those games that makes me feel all sad ;-;
You did a really good job fleshing it out, and I could really feel for the bird, and feel sad and bad about what happens to it.
This storygame has an interesting plot, and although it was short, I liked the writing and the style of the author. I would read more from this author in the future.
That being said, I found this storygame to repeat itself a bit, which is a bit annoying and boring, but I guess it was still a good read overall.
Like some of the other comments say, it was inspiring. I really want to grow wings and injure one of them and then go on this adventure to see what it's like xD
3/8, good job but not the best.
-- MinnieKing on 3/2/2017 7:00:08 PM
To replace Will11's comment.
The life of a bull terrier
Well, let's start with a quote from the beginning.
"You wake up. What do you do next?"
That is the most linear and undetailed beginning to a story I have ever seen in my life. There were hardly any details in the storygame, in fact.
The writing wasn't extremely bad, but it was boring. I mean, there's not even any meaningful choices. Despite there being a lot of links, there's very little branching.
The choices din't even do anything as far as I know. You can just do nearly every link and end up back in the same place. This storygame is like going in a figure eight over and over again.
This really had no plot at all. It had no goal, no real character development, not much detail at all, a really linear beginning, a linear storygame overall, and a lack of meaningful choices and branching.
I'll give this a 1/8, please try harder.
-- MinnieKing on 3/2/2017 7:08:09 PM
There's an insanely low amount of details in this storygame. It's dissapointing, because stories like these ones can be fleshed out quite easily. I noticed multiple grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing that can't be fixed.
Nearly every choice leads me to an end game link. Do you really want someone to go into your storygame, click two buttons, and be done with it and leave a bad rating? It's dissapointing to see little to no branching in storygames :(
Then there was the utter randomness of parts. I mean, when the storygame is almost over, THAT is when it asks if i'm a boy or a girl? That seems a little random to just ask in the middle of a storygame.
I would like to say, "the writing wasn't bad," but the writing really was pretty bad. Maybe you're a really good writer, but this was lacking detail, branching, emotion...
I really feel nothing for these characters. Maybe it's the lack of detail and emotion, or maybe it's because i'm a cold hearted person, I don't know.
Please work harder on your storygames. Make somehing you can be proud of :)
-- MinnieKing on 3/2/2017 7:16:15 PM
To replace FazzTheMan's comment.
You have misspellings and errors in all but one of these. Lol.
That comment on the Calvin and Hobbes quiz, though.
I don't think that's something you can fix without being commended twice.
Well, the only way to correct this, is for another Sage to make a comment to replace Minnie's comment.
Then I guess the fix I just did was useless. If only admins could dock commendations.
This is sort of why I don't commend stories. 3 or 1 point mistakes aren't that big of a deal (and I don't do too many post commendations either), but commending a story is a roll of the dice that I have no idea how many points are going to be given out and I don't want to suddenly think 'Wait, that story wasn't THAT good...oh well."
Comment for Featuring:
Runes of Yeu (http://chooseyourstory.com/story/runes-of-yeu)
This interesting actually got me into it. The writing is decent, and there's a plot.
There were some really random thing thrown in: Helping Horrin with "lady problems" was just weird because you lie about being a matchmaker even though you don't really get anything out of it, seducing the old man who was sweeping the floors was just a random choice, and the woman with a "big bulky figure" doesn't keep a consistent attitude - in one branch, she lets you die after robbing you; in another, she leaves you blacked and out doesn't rob you. And even when you're robbed, you don't lose money nor items.
You could brush up on some grammar, especially dialogue stuff. Sometimes, you incorporate dialogue correctly. At other times, you forget it completely (the guy with the broom's page). It wasn't major and too often, but sometimes it detracted from the reading.
The way you set up your links and pages was confusing. Doing certain things may bring you to a page with [these] options, but that page may have links more than or less than needed. For example, in a page for feeding the horses, it doesn't give you the option to exit the barn when it makes sense to have the option.
Your character seems to work alone; you've only mentioned a party member once after introducing them in the beginning, and you didn't even say who. Speaking of the introduction, it was very direct, boring, and did a bad job at setting up the story. The characters were flat and/or shallow. The deepest character is the "big bulky" woman, who interested me; I disappointed when I couldn't find out what her purpose was. In fact, what was the purpose of the entire town? You gained absolutely nothing from the town; nobody knew about the ruins anyway! Getting money from feeding horses is dull, sleeping at the inn was ultimately unnecessary, the blacksmith offered another random ending (what about your party?), and the food shop was pointless. The majority of the story didn't size up in the bigger picture.
The town was disconnected from the story; it was unnecessary in finding the ruins. The discovery of the ruins wasn't even described in full either. While we're on the topic of describing, you hardly did any describing. While you had pictures, those are still-motion. You need yo place us into the story to make the town come ALIVE. Use the five senses at least.
I mentioned this previously - your characters are flat. Weave in back stories for each of the characters and why, exactly, they had to find the ruins. Create subplots and conflicts - the woman and blacksmith are good potential enemies/allies.
It seemed that you spent so much time on making the town that you just rushed the ending. Your pictures are a wonderful bonus, and you have a great game going here, but you just need to build on this world. I don't understand the world, the actual purpose of the story, the characters, etc. I think this story has potential, and I think you as a writer could improve to make that potential HAPPEN.
-- Crescentstar on 3/2/2017 10:24:58 PM with a score of 35
Damn. Trying to format on my phone is horrible. xD
Storygame for featuring (Not sure if this one qualifies as "New" since it's been up for quite a while.)
American Outlaws: The Wild Bunch
Reason: Besides the other American Outlaws, it has a higher rating then all the other featured edutainments.
Comment for Deletion
?Comment: And another story tops the charts...
Once again, Steve's Story Factory has churned out a product worthy of good ratings, and that is exactly what I shall give you. Many word errors, but they weren't enough to significantly lower the experience. It's hard to be concerned about correct spelling in the middle of a battle, beheading enemies with massive sword swipes...
Immersive with the bloody spectacular action and with an acceptable storyline and choices, you've helped to complete my day.
Cents you shall be showered in. 6/8.
-- AgentX on 3/4/2017 7:17:20 AM with a score of 0
Reason for Deletion: Repeated Comment
The comment is repeated twice, you're goddamn right I want the points for getting two comments deleted.
I'm not 100% sure if this meets the new standards for featured comments, I'll leave it up to you
I see a trend over here...
You seem to be an aficionado for this specific writing style of yours. Start off with introducing the protagonist, some rather plain blocks of descriptive text, and slowly rise to a crescendo of literary excellence.
This style is well and good for me, but you might repulse some readers because they think the story is boring or something like that. Just saying.
Anyway, like your other story, there were still some spelling errors and whatnot. Please do think of a proofreader-for-hire in your next stories.
Negatives aside, it was nicely done. The story was moderately long, and the plot is okay, with enough choices to keep me and most others entertained. You got a lot of potential here, Ag.
Good job. Will drop all cents here. 6/8.
-- AgentX on 3/1/2017 4:55:39 PM
Comments for Featuring:
Personal Demons (http://chooseyourstory.com/story/personal-demons)
1. Wow! :D I'm not a fan of wrestling or anything, but this storygame was certainly entertaining. ^-^
You had a good storyline with all the right points. Though, you didn't build up much suspense. I wasn't excited for the Championship, and it didn't seem like the character did anything toward winning the championship except conquering/not conquering his inner demon.
While you have great dialogue, your descriptions are a bit lacking. Oftentimes in the story, I would find myself lost - WHERE is the protagonist? What's around him? You did have a few brief sentences here and there, but that picture wasn't painted. I didn't have a good idea of what the setting looks like.
Vixen seemed to be simply an object of affections. When going to the movies and having dinner, I had no idea how to imagine her. While you wrote that Will had a nice time, it didn't really feel that way. You did a lot of direct characterization for Vixen, and it doesn't really tell me much about her.
Will and the inner demon was an interesting idea. Though, I think the idea of directly "choosing" if he overcomes his inner demon defeats the point of it. The inner demon is supposed to come out when the character lacks control, not when the character "chooses". Obviously, one would choose to overcome them (both ways are a good read).
The fighting was linear, as mentioned in the other comment(s). I understood how it worked - the Champ's impression of Will gets better the longer he lasts - but it made it a bit annoying to have to go back. Also, you gave a small description of each of the moves sometimes. Try giving descriptions every time because I have no idea what they are! I ended up having to randomly choose between two choices, which makes thinking about the best tactic pointless.
Otherwise, your grammar, spelling, and dialogue is excellent. You have some action scenes and some contemplative scenes. Your writing is good, but just work on descriptions. Your storyline fits together nicely and works well as a complete story.
-- Crescentstar on 3/5/2017 10:57:52 PM
Kaiju Domination: Episode 1- Godzilla (http://chooseyourstory.com/story/kaiju-domination~3a-episode-1~2d-godzilla)
2. Reminds me of Pokémon. xD I was actually very excited because I love the feeling of challenging opponents using minions, but it was a bit disappointing. I honestly think that this has potential.
However, let's start with the most distracting thing: Grammar and spelling. It was bad. Really bad. You seemed to be using texting language like "u" and "haft". Along with that, you missed capitalizing and punctuating sometimes. Additionally, you did not use dialogue properly. It was just detracting from the game.
The story was linear, and the leveling up (which, by the way, was weird. Five levels at once???) and training were pretty much pointless. The money, as well, was almost pointless except as a reward system. However, that reward system had little value, as I could not access the store again. For a game like this, I'd expect one would take advantage of the variable and scripting systems because they'd definitely enhance the story. You could include random rolls and damage ranges instead of attack sequence links.
The descriptions were bad or nonexistent. I don't know what their monsters look like! So what, there's pictures? The point of pictures is to enhance the story, not replace description. The protagonist is basically just floating in the middle of nowhere being challenged/challenging others. The lack of description was sad. :'(
Your characters were flat. 2D. I couldn't connect with any of them - honestly, I view them as objects and not people because of their lack of depth. The story itself served no purpose and was too short. The setting did not exist (well, it did... barely), and I'm curious on HOW you got Godzilla in the first place.
Despite the cons, this storygame has potential. I could see this storygame becoming a decent RPG with a better fighting system, expansion on story, expansion on characters, and of course, a very intense proofread. :)
-- Crescentstar on 3/5/2017 11:25:22 PM
Recommending Storygame for Deleting:
^ Why is this still here?
oh, and to the mods: So it IS okay to write a story about cats if it doesn't involve clans, right?
This is still alive, so I'm assuming; yes.
Ahh..I see. Well, guess that'll be the thing I show my grandchildren.
"Kids, this is the last remnant of the Great (pathetic) CYS vs. WC War...."
I Love You, My Sweet Kate
Outside of originality issues (*cough* Snow *cough*), I found the technicalities of the story almost perfect. The singularity I found was in an earlier page where all the dialogue was in one paragraph.
It was sweet. I mean, regarding the type of story it was, it was cute. (But because I'm ignoring originality issues,) There could've been more characterization and branching. This story was linear and reminded me of a 2D DNA strand - at certain points, the two backbones reconverged.
In this story, you have a section for childhood and teenhood and then the ending section. In each section, there were "mini-stories" that you could read to gain insight on the characters. It wasn't enough—not enough characterization, as the characters were bound to fall in love and break apart (which isn't wrong, it's just predictable).
The way you introduced Kate was direct, boring, and not very insightful. I always dislike it when a writer so blatantly described what the person looks like all at once with such simple words, especially in love/romance stories because shouldn't personality (usually) be the thing the lover mentions first?
I think you could've tinkered around a bit with how the protagonist felt throughout the story. How did he feel whenever she kissed him? How did he react to that? And think about the ending—why? Why did he react this way? What made Kate so special to him other than being a loving childhood friend?
I don't see how the relationship could've developed in such a way. I'm sure it's possible, but it just doesn't seem right. Why did the boy never make a move on the girl first? Why is it always her kissing him? And besides, think about the emotional aspects of their developing relationship instead of just the end game.
The grammar/spelling was great, and the story was cute. It was very similar to Snow (and other similarly style games), and you could've made it more unique. The characters/plot wasn't developed enough.
-- Crescentstar on 3/6/2017 7:25:07 PM
Comment for featuring.
The general idea of the story is nice, and it appeals to me in a certain way that is hard to describe. Unlike most, I can relate to the situation the character struggles with in the beginning, being alone and locked up in a room by myself. There are a few things that I found strange about the storygame p, however, so let's just get right into that.
The character has been stuck in the cell for months, yet when he first meets the girl, he doesn't no remember anything before waking up. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't know how long he's been locked up if he couldn't remember anything at all. There's a but too much development attempted with the characters too. He is immediately falling for her without even knowing if she's here to help or hurt him.
The coiled snake is introduced in a way that makes it seem like we've already come across it before, yet we haven't. We know nothing about it; why it's here, where it came from, and what the point of it is in the story. I think a better introduction should be assessed and inserted in an updated version if this story.
I also don't like how we are told to not give up, yet all of the choices say to "Give Up". Having more than one of the same choice is pointless and only confuses the reader, so I recommend taking care of that. I'm getting the feeling you lost motivation with the story after the boy and girl meet, and threw in the whole snake situation to put an end so that you can publish it.
Besides all of this, it isn't that bad of a storygame. It can be fixed very easily, and I also recommend changing the font. I hope to see more from the author in the future.
-- Nyctophilia on 3/7/2017 9:48:44 PM
To replace Mizals comment.
The Drugs Wouldn't Stop The Nightmares, Chapter One.
1)Well its an interesting start but needs to be much longer as it reads like a demo
-- FeanorOnForge on 4/5/2013 4:45:29 PM
Reasoning: Duplicate comment.
Frozen Love (Cannot believe I forgot to include both the link and title in the original post, sorry. Anyway, it's there now.)
2) hi odin
-- someone from PW on 1/22/2012 2:58:39 PM with a score of 0
-- masterelf on 2/2/2012 1:24:16 PM with a score of 0
4) Væry Cuul!!!
-- Røuhøl on 6/3/2012 8:05:25 PM with a score of 0
5) meh. just meh.
-- cysid2 on 6/3/2012 8:17:23 PM with a score of 0
Comment for featuring:
6. Fantastic Work. I'll list the main reasons why I liked this:
1) The layout looked great giving it a real book feeling.
2) The writing was error-free, concise and very descriptive. The benefits and consequences of the choices made sense.
3) The sheer variety of endings makes this a very re-readable story, playing through it a few times I've read about half the endings so far but I'll definitely come back to this to read the others later.
You mentioned the length limits and it's true there are only six or seven choices in a complete story but if you're going to have a story with eighteen different endings that's a lot of branches and a lot of pages. I think this is a story that could be developed further quite easily by branching again and again, I'm giving this 7/8 because I think it could potentially be improved by more branches and endings but this is a small issue, even if this only had eight endings this would still be excellent because of the writing quality.
If Playa988's competition is still going this story is so good as to be practically certain of a place in the top 3 with a very good shot at number 1 :D Definitely one of the most impressive stories of the year so far.
-- Will11 on 8/13/2015 11:37:43 PM with a score of 0
Worst day of your life!!!
That was pretty enjoyable, but taking into account the length and amount of words in each page, it could be much, much better. There's only about two sentences for each page, and they really need to be lengthened and structured.
At the start of the story, the "worst day of your life", the actual title of the story, has already happened. Coming in, I expected to actually experience it, so that needs to fixed. (Or change the title according to how the story goes).
One of my biggest peeves in any storygame is dying after clicking one or two links. I think I prefer Mizal's method of starting off a storygame with a few pages of background and story development, which is important and neccessary in every story. It is also something that this one lacks, so that needs to be fixed immediately.
The random events happening that are unusual in the normal society seems to be the way most new authors tend to lean toward in terms of humor in their storygames. This is a mistake. It can be funny at first, but it loses its luster once it becomes a normal thing. The new ideas of humor need to be reviewed and revised.
The writing is typical of an up and coming author, which in other words means it needs to be improved. Every author knows that no matter how well you write, there is still more room for improvement. Reading through the articles and the featured stories on the site is an excellent way of improving writing ability, along with just browsing through the storygames of EndMaster, one of the top writers on the site.
With a carefully chosen update, this could be much better and a nice story to add to the site in the whole. Fixing up the grammar and spelling will also aid you, since there are a few mistakes here that can be easily found and fixed.
-- Nyctophilia on 3/9/2017 10:54:35 PM
Comments for Featuring
1) I liked it, but it wasn't the best.
The writing was pretty good, but it wasn't very well fleshed out due to a lack of detail and branching. It was very short, and I think there were about two actual "choices" that led to another page, but I suppose that's what i'd expect since it has one ending.
There were a few grammar/spelling errors, such as "til" instead of "till." Errors like this make me feel like this was really lazy since it was so short, and a story as short as this should be easy to proofread.
It was cute in a way, but the emotion really didn't hit me until the last page, which seemed to have a lot of effort put in while other pages seemed written very quickly.
It feels like it was written in a day, honestly. I guess it's not easy writing a very long story about a cats home life, but that's just an opportunity for you to be creative! :D
-- MinnieKing on 3/10/2017 6:50:39 PM with a score of 0
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
2) Ha! I actually really enjoyed it! :D
The idea, while lolrandom, was really creative and had me laughing. It was a good, original idea and I would definitely want to read more from the author!
I was hesitant, because it seemed really random, like one of those games that try to be funny but fail, but there was a fair amount of detail I guess and it felt well fleshed out in my opinion.
It's not the longest storygame, but I guess it's not easy to make a 100 page storygame about a boy dieing from eating vegetables. Despite not having a huge number of pages, there were more then a few sentences on each page.
I can understand that this story is too strange for some people, but I enjoyed it :D
-- MinnieKing on 3/10/2017 7:00:03 PM
You Are a Fish
To replace TharaApples comment
3) Not the best, but this could use some work.
I liked it I guess, but it had many problems. While there were a decent amount of links and pages I suppose, each page had a sentence to a paragraph on it, and details seemed little to none.
I suppose it was cute in a way, but I feel not much emotion for the fish, maybe because of a lack of character development or the small amount of detail. These things are crucial for storygames.
It was pretty illogical at some points, and I really can't say "the writing was good" since the writing was so little detailed, and I can't tell if i'd want to read more from the author or not :(
2/8, i'd spend more time on it if I were you.
-- MinnieKing on 3/10/2017 8:19:32 PM
Yet another comment for featuring.
Making Bacon Pancakes
Yeah, i'll be honest, this is one of those lolrandom stories that make me hate myself when I actually find them funny.
I thought the plot needed a lot of work, since it's quite boring, or at least in my opinion. The writing was ok, but the situations made it feel like a kid wrote it.
Despite me disliking the plot in general, I did enjoy this to kill a few minutes, but I feel like that was also the amount of time spent writing this very short story.
I'll just make a quick list of what this story needs.
-Better Plot Development
-More Character Development
I'll give this a 3/8.
-- MinnieKing on 3/12/2017 7:57:03 PM
A few months ago, I was looking at the Homo Perfectus series. I wasn't really interested in them tbh. I thought it was a bit thin, but I didn't have the interest to finish them. Perhaps it's site standards lol.
Recommending storygames for tagging:
3) Geared for Children
Also, comments for deletion:
Dressing The Part
4) Too busy to comment!
-- RobustSporadic on 6/4/2012 10:05:22 AM with a score of 20
A Day in the Life (and death) of you.
-- Shadowgirl21 on 11/18/2014 12:06:02 PM
Zombie Kill Squad
I must say. Much better then I expected.
I went into this thinking, 'here we go, another zombie story.' and thought nothing more of it. But as I started reading, I began to enjoy myself. It's far better then some zombie stories on the site. There was sufficient detail in this storygame and a decent amount of links and pages, and it kept me interested.
This is a nice balance between a game and story. The variables give it a nice gaming aspect while the reading makes me feel like i'm reading a half decent novel.
But, despite me enjoying it, it was quite random and it didn't give much information. I just know there's a zombie disease happening, but there's nothing more then that. It would have been nice to know more about this, because it left me confused.
And I also noticed a lack of emotions. It would have been far better had you fleshed out the storygame with more emotions.
I'll say the semi-good quality and length of this story kept me entertained for the ten minutes I played it. Well done. 5/8.
-- MinnieKing on 3/14/2017 12:59:51 AM with a score of 0
Comments for featuring
Murder at The Museum
I'm a bit disapointed.
While I enjoyed the aspect of the murder mystery plot and found the setting good enough. The grammar was pretty good, but one of the main things that caught me off guard was the length.
I don't pick up much emotion from these characters. I just don't feel much for them. More detail about the characters in general would have been nice to flesh it out better, but I suppose it was sufficient
I suppose this qualifies as a storygame, but the incredibly short length just makes me feel like I could write something just as good in an hour. The only part that I felt had any effort put in were the silly pointless endings and the detail of the clues.
I'm disapointed in the writing style. Like JMGskills stated, it felt really serious at some points but the endings were silly and make little to no sense. I was entertained through the majority of the story, but at the end you sorta lost me.
Having interrogate and stuff as items and not choices was something I liked. It made it seem more interesting, to me at least :)
But... the very short length and bad endings made me give it a 2/8.
-- MinnieKing on 3/14/2017 7:00:58 PM with a score of 0
How in the world does this have the rating it has? Alright, let's review.
"A classic murder mystery."
Nope. This is far from a classic murder mystery, as a classic murder mystery has to at least qualify as half decent.
This was incredibly short, and I finished it in about thirty seconds. There were quite a lot of pages and links, but there was so little detail and about a sentence per page for most pages, there was just nothing to really read honestly.
When you hint for the player to use the human potion, that's just not necessary. I think a person might be smart enough to do the only thing that they can possibly do on the page.
Then there were the accusations. I didn't even need any clues, because you literally have to pick the right person or it just takes you back to the page so you can guess again. Not to mention there's only five people to accuse.
There was absolutely no backstory or emotion at all in this story. The low amount of detail contributed to the crap factor of this flaw.
-- MinnieKing on 3/14/2017 7:14:58 PM with a score of 0
You misspelled "disappointed" twice in your first comment.
I hate that word so much. I always forget the second "P"
Recommending 2 comments for featuring:
Now THIS is a story type I like! Much narration and description in many things. The amount of choices could have been greater, but hey, it didn't detract much from the experience.
One thing lacking, however, was that your story (in my opinion) doesn't really DRAW readers to it. In short, it wasn't immersive enough.
You ought to change that in your next stories, because many readers like to be engaged by the stories they read.
In the end, it's a good first story, and I see bigger things in store for you. Not the best, but certainly never the worst. 5/8.
-- AgentX on 3/4/2017 5:31:42 AM with a score of 1
First path was with Gil and the other person. The story started off great in the beginning with the introduction of the friends that you get to choose from. I knew Henry would obviously be the better choice since "besties 4 ever" is generally the better route. However party routes always intrigue me so I went down that path with the party and the undescriptive hookup that could have had a bit more added to it without mature content being needed.
The endings to the paths that I had received seemed a bit rushed but they were all the "bad" ones with him losing everyone so the good ones were probably more descriptive. Even so, you could have added some more deppresing aspects for more emotion since losing everything is pretty awful.
Still, this was a pretty good first story that had good plot structure but could have had a lot more description added. Hope to see more stories from you.
-- Digit on 3/3/2017 11:21:29 AM with a score of 0
Both comments are on the storygame: Appearance vs. Reality
Not sure those will earn you any points but I agree that they need to go ASAP.
What grade were all those kids in? I'd guess maybe 5... possibly 6.
Judging from the one who uses poop humor i'd say fourth.
Didn't read any of those ones. They're pretty edgy kids then.
Recommending storygame for unpublishing:
a girl who you do not know lives in your house
Reasoning: That title is basically the entire story. Well, in the fact that it lacks any capitalization whatsoever. Low ratings as well, more of a story than storygame, a somewhat confusing one at that.
Going to make a new thread.