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Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

This is how it works:

Recommending a comment for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a tag change for a storygame (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for a change in maturity level or difficulty level (1 point for each)
Recommending a storygame for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing (1 point)
Recommending a comment for deletion (1 point)

To get points for recommending something, I have to agree with you and newly created storygames are not eligible point earners.  

Three Most Important Things when recommending anything:

1. Reply to THIS thread to THIS post

2. A hyperlink to the storygame

3. Number ALL your suggestions

Recommending a comment for featuring:

- The story should at least have a rating of 3.0

- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
- If there are already 3 featured comments on the storygame, you also have to let me know whose comment you think should be replaced.
- If I agree, you will get 1 point and the person whose comment is featured will automatically get 2 points. If you are recommending your own comment, you don't get the extra point. (You’re already getting Commendation points as well!)

Recommending a comment for deletion:

- The comment that you think deserves deletion (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)

Examples of what to suggest

Spammy punctuation and lettering: Nice Job!!!!!!! or NOOOOOOO!!!!! I DIIIIIIED!

Short comments that don’t address the story content directly or clearly: “Wow” “Poop” "I won!" “Hi” “:)”

If someone says something like “Nice”, "Cool", "It sucks" or “Bad” we can leave it.

Obviously long comments that don’t do this either are also up for deletion, but it’s usually easier to see since they're probably rambling on about a Nigerian Prince or something similar so there shouldn’t be too much of an issue with ambiguity.

Incomprehensible comments: “sfekrbnmdse”

Duplicate comment: Self explanatory.

Flaming the Author: Honestly, I’m actually all for flaming the author if their story was bad enough, but I understand most of you don’t thrive off pure hatred for some strange reason. So if someone is just calling the author names, it can go.

Note: Do not recommend comments on EndMaster stories for deletion or featuring. He usually monitors his stories’ comments anyway.

Recommending a tag change for a storygame

- All of the tags you believe the story should have

Recommending a category change for a storygame

- The category you believe it should be in
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a change in maturity or difficulty level for a storygame

- The change you think should be made
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a storygame for featuring

 - A short rationale for why

Recommending a forum thread for deletion

- A short rationale for why

Recommending a storygame for unpublishing

- A short explanation of why [specifically, you must describe how it fails to meet minimum site standards]

  • After receiving at least 10 ratings and being published for at least 3 days, the storygame is rated 2.4 or less. (Though this is flexible if it's particularly bad and still in the 2.5-2.9 range)
  • The storygame has all of the following characteristics:
    • Grammar and style poor enough that it cannot be ignored
    • A plot which is poor or nonexistent
    • Poor pacing (usually characterized by frequent and unpredictable end game links)
    • A lack of important decisions
    • Unbelievable or overly cliched dialogue (if dialogue is present in the story)
  • The storygame has "dead" pages- pages with no links or way to proceed.
  • The storygame's central concept is pornographic in nature
  • The storygame is not a storygame and is instead intended to fulfill a goal such as communicating with another member (including all inside jokes) or advertising a product.
  • The storygame is explicitly described by the author as a "troll" game, or intentionally poor quality.
  • Any unfinished story.
    • What qualifies a story as "unfinished?"

1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo."

2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later.

Games that say they are the first in a series are not automatically considered "unfinished." As long as the game itself is complete, even if the author never returned to write a sequel, it is not up for unpublishing.

If you don't follow protocol, there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points. Following protocol expedites the process.

To summarize: post here (for the most part) with recommendations for who I should reward / what I should change and I'll reward you with points. 

Take a second to check the posts above you and see if someone else has already made the recommendation. Remember, newly created Storygames are not eligible for tag/category/comment points.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

It should be also mentioned that Mizal wanted more admin stuff to do, so she'll probably be the main one doing this now. continue doing nothing and I'll still be mostly doing this as usual.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

For the story Before Midnight. 

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/before-midnight

1.  I would like to recommend this comment for deletion   "giggity giggity goo"  -- Sam

2.  This one for deletion.  "I love Reese's cups"  --1m2sw3g4u

3.  Recommendation for featuring, as he is asking the only important question here.  "what is the protagonist's gender?"  Wildfire01

4.  Deletion.  "<3" -- Alice7778

5.  Deletion.  "Yay!" -- Timeless Sakura

 

 

 

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

http://chooseyourstory.com/forums/reading-corner/message/24835 

I would like to recommend commending my review. (Now I know this may sound like begging, and it is on one of EndMaster’s stories (though off-site) even after it was mentioned to not put his ones forth for commendation; I still worked a lot on the review!)

 

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

Hm, a little different than the usual story comment commending. Don't think we've had a forum post request for a commendation before.

Meh, whatever. Done.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

Cool, thanks. yes

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

Hey, can I recommend my own game for featuring? I remember a lot of people suggested Tower of Riddles for Mystery and Puzzle when it first came out, but that got shot down by 3J... But he's not here anymore, so screw him! cheeky

As for why... Well... Honestly... I saw that if someone has three games featured, they get their own super special shiny trophy! ... I want one! ^_^

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

For some reason I thought that one was featured already.

Anyway done, but as for getting your special trophy, going to have to wait on that one.

There's quite a few people that probably should have their own at this point, but someone is going to have to design those, upload them to the site, and some other shit that involves Alex handing server access over to Killa so he can start working on updating the site.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago
It's almost like the plan of making it so only the guy nicknamed 'the Vanisher' could hand out trophies wasn't thought out too well.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago
Which one did you kill btw? (Probably I should know because I look at that page every day, and yet...)

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

One of Ashen Snake's stories. Don't even remember what it was called, I just took down the lower rated one.

EDIT: I just took down Ashen's other story as well since he said he had it unpublished for fixing missing pages, however it looks like he published it again. Anyway, replaced it with one of Will's stories that you commended.

Seems like Ashen thought his old stories were cringy the last time he logged in here back in 2017, so I suppose we did him a favor by taking them out of the immediate public eye where everyone could see.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago
Oh good, Blacksea could probably use more attention. Not too many actual mysteries with actual investigation stuff on the site. Also active authors get priority over old ones because of our very short memories here.

Speaking of which, it probably doesn't bode well for Steve that Ozoni had to ask who he even was this morning....

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago
Awesome, thanks :D Is Steve still around btw?

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

He last spoke on the Discord maybe three weeks ago.  

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

Yey! Thankyou! ^_^

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago

I would like to recommend my comment for featuring. It's on the mortican, by orange.

Link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/The_Mortician.aspx

"The poem based story was nicely crafted, ballad quatrains are very flexible in general to any style of topic you give them, so no complains with the context. 

There were some blank verse stanzas added abruptly, which interfered with the overall rhythm, but those I think those were added with the intention to create contrast and lay more focus on important points? If that's so, maybe a different subtle approach like changing the meter could have gotten forth that without disrupting the rhythm. Speaking of changing meter, there were a few abrupt changes in the general meter too, where there wasn't really anything major; so it felt out of place. 

The tale being told, is interesting, and the author has done a pretty good job in providing an insight into the character's mind and his motives; really forming a bond. It was interesting at kept my attention and was enjoyable. 

Overall, this is a pretty good piece of literature, but with a few inconsistencies."

There are only two comments currently featured on the storygame.

 

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago
Recommending a comment for deletion on A UFO at School. Comment to delete: So, the story was a bit short, and yes there is no possible way to lose. It’s kind of interesting— sort of a story that you wouldn’t want to stop reading but once it ends, it doesn’t leave you thinking about anything. I would recommend this story as a mind relaxer when you are feeling stressed. Overall, I quite liked this story and if you’re just looking for a easy and fun story, this is the right game. by StoryTurtle Reason: Duplicate comment

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago
Recommending a comment for deletion on Spy Mission: Comment: moo -- moo on 4/8/2019 3:19:49 PM with a score of 0

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago
If you run it through a translator it's a perfectly valid critique.

Not their fault you can't read cow.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago
Well anyway it's deleted now so if you come to your senses and realize it should be featured instead of Saika's comment, it's too late.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

4 months ago
I was going to stop by the pasture on my way home to run it past the cows there, but I guess there's no point now.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago
For Dungeon Stompage
1. Recommendation for comment removal.
Reason: Duplicate comment

This is the best story ever -- Someone on 4/5/2019 11:35:04 AM with a score of 147160

2. Recommendation for comment removal.
Reason: Nonsensical Gen Z text speech

yeety boi -- A. H. on 2/7/2018 9:49:34 AM with a score of 67670

3. Recommendation for comment removal.
Reason: Short comment that does not address the story clearly

Dat gold exploit. -- Marneptunez on 2/1/2018 4:44:40 PM with a score of 163110

4. Recommendation for comment removal.
Reason: See #3

The Betrayer LOL -- Ly8y on 11/7/2017 4:16:10 PM with a score of 28640

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago
For ninjapitka's The King's Command
1. Recommendation for comment featuring

The first page already had me immersed into the story, as well as both giving valuable backstory into who I was playing as and setting the scene nicely. The “don’t be a bitch” certainly grabbed my attention. I liked a lot of the characters and think the author did a really good job with creating different and unique personalities for each one. The Prince was cheeky and defiant, and I liked how remarkably blunt he was. He also developed as the story went on, which can be seen in one of the epilogues where the events of the past have changed him, and he becomes sadder and emptier. Garrick was another favourite, I especially enjoyed reading through when he became a victim to teasing. Fighting/action scenes are a difficult thing to write, but it was done really well throughout this story. It wasn’t overly complex which made it easy to follow and allowed me to appreciate and understand the prince’s insane skill level when fighting. The battle near the end is something the author should be proud of writing. Plot was good, unique and unpredictable- everything I admire in a story. Minor things such as the Prince not revealing his status to Lady Myrr made it even better and kept me guessing and anticipating. Dialogue was witty and kept me entertained. I also thought pairing up of the dialogue and description was almost perfect throughout the story. It captivated me and added to the fast paced plot. The couple of flashbacks at the start were a nice addition to the story too, I did sort of struggle through reading ‘A History Lesson’ but thinking back on it, it’s all relevant and important information anyway. A lot of the time, I would find myself reading a page that seemed rather familiar and it would take me a second to realise that I’ve actually already read through it and made a choice at the end of it. I understand that is because you wanted the reader to go through the other path/read the other page, but why wouldn’t you have just added that link to the other path once the reader chose the other option? Personally, I found that it interrupted my reading flow and I kind of felt disengaged for a moment when this occurred. I’m unfamiliar with the branching that was carried out in this story. I think it worked well as there was still an element of choice and I still felt like I was having an impact on the events in the second half of the story, but I did start to doubt my control over the first half. The limited first half branching also meant that the replayability (is that a word??) of the story is not that great. Overall, I’m genuinely impressed. The things that stood out to me the most would be the memorable characters. I’ll definitely be reading more of anything this author publishes in the future. -- ghost11 on 4/16/2019 6:12:50 AM with a score of 0

For mizal's Another Damn Wolf Story
1. Recommendation for comment deletion
Reason: Spammy lettering

w0w k00l $t0ry m8 -- choking on chicken on 12/31/2018 9:03:53 PM with a score of 0

For Ogre11's story The Quick Dating Game
1. Recommendation for comment deletion
Reason: Irrelevant spam

;) -- zayona on 11/2/2018 7:23:04 PM with a score of 0

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-second-battle-of-bull-run

I'd like to recommend featuring my comment on this one; it's a fresh piece with no featured comments yet.

"Some storygames are short but sweet. This one was short and stale. Stale in the sense that there was nothing much tasty to capture my attention. It's not about what your topic is, but how you present it. 

It's competently written in the technical aspect. The main issue is with your storytelling; it's not immersing enough. It's about epic battles in the American Civil War, right? Flesh out its parts even more, especially the battles. 

It's got a few shortcomings, but it's certainly more fun than homework. I'll give you a humble 4/8, and I hope you make better ones than this. Cheers."

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/~2e~2e~2ein-love-and-war

Recommending my own comment for featuring; this work's only got 2 featured ones so far.

"Shorter than what I would normally have wanted in a love story, but, surprisingly, it gets the message across. 

Very simple too, yet it quite effectively captures the setting of a lonely woman. I appreciate how it all seems to be very realistic; trying to resist temptation in a world where you're not even sure if and when it's all going to end. 

Love stories aren't my forte, but it's pretty clear: this is a good work, no more, no less. You look like you'd have a good future here if you keep it up. Here's my token 6/8 to contribute. Cheers!"

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago

Recommending comments for featuring

1. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-cliff 

**Contains spoilers** 
It seems Val has the worst luck in the world... Either that or she needs to move away from the goddamn cliff! Lol. The story moved very quickly. It took me about 12 min to get through the entire thing. I was glad it was fast-paced because it meant the reader mostly experienced the big events in Val’s life. That being said, there seemed to be a lot of gaps in the scenes that the story didn’t address. 
There were only a handful of characters: Val, Jen, Emma, Liam, and Brian (Val’s father). I liked Jen and Emma, but didn’t feel any positive emotion towards the other characters due to inconsistency and foolish action. 
Val, Brian, and, (to a lesser degree) Liam acted inconsistent or made dumb decisions which didn’t connect me to their characters. To be fair, we can say Val inherited that tendency from her Father and blame the bastard for not having rational thought processes. Someone should throw him off a cliff, oh wait... For example in Brian’s suicide note, he writes that he loves Val more than anything, but he also can’t afford to live without Val’s mother and brother. Make up your mind, dude! You’d think if he loves Val more than anything, he’d stay alive to raise her. Val had the same line of reasoning later on: “I loved her (Emma), I truly did, but what was the worst that could happen if I called Liam? I needed someone.” You have a wife, lady! You claim to love her! The worst thing that could happen is that you break her heart and run that bitch straight to the cliff. Poor genetics if you ask me. Liam just sort of killed himself out of nowhere due to “inner demons”. I can’t recall any mention to his inner struggle in the story (maybe it’s there, I don’t know), but it seems more like a lazy way to offer a sacrifice to the almighty Cliff Lord. Besides committing suicide, Liam was ok. 
Now to the superior gene pool: Jen and Emma. Jen was the first person to show kindness to the main character. It was apparent that she had a good heart and the best interest of her children in mind. The same couldn’t be said for her homophobic husband. I thought Jen might be the one who opposed Emma and Val together, but she recognized they were good together. Usually someone who homeschools their kid has a more closed-mind, dare I say conservative, worldview of the “L” word (lesbians), so that was a nice surprise. Emma is a genuine character who was more proactive than Val: a true go-getter. Or should I say, “Go get her”? Ba dum tiss. If she wanted to do something, she went for it. The ending where she finds out that Val betrayed her showed that she was the one who had actual feelings for her wife. Val claimed she loved Emma, but then slept around. When Emma found out about the betrayal, she killed herself. I think Emma’s love clearly outshined Val’s which is consistent with the character portrayal. Emma’s character was genuine and true in her actions while Val’s were inconsistent and didn’t always make the smartest choice. 
A few things that stuck out to me: 
- The opening scene mentions “holding a letter in her hand clutched with every fiber of her being” (or something like that). It’d be more effective to leave out one or the other. It’s a bit awkward since every fiber of your being isn’t in your hand. 
- The spacing started out distracting, but eventually I got used to it. 
- The line “…smell of salt water filled my mind” stuck out as weird. Filled your nose maybe? 
- There are a lot of commas out of place. 
- You used the metaphor “holding my grief like a bag of bricks on my back”. I get the image you’re trying to display, but as far as I know, people don’t carry bags of bricks on their backs. They use wheelbarrows or some easier way since bricks are goddamn heavy as shit. 
- My favorite line in the entire story: “I was a little desperate for attention and Greg was supplying it by the bottle.” I thought it was a great line and fit perfectly in the setting. 
- The opening page has the line “nobody ever went here (the cliff) except for those that never went back home.” A few pages later, you visit the same place and you make it back home. Plus, that happened 12 years earlier. 
I found this storygame to be entertaining, which says a lot for the writing since it’s a topic I usually avoid. I give it a 3/8 for the story pace and engaging writing, but its lack of consistency, player choice, and formatting (spacing and grammar) ultimately swayed my verdict to the lower end. 

-- ninjapitka on 12/11/2018 6:22:20 PM

2. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/what-magic-ability-would-you-have~3f 

Ok... that was a strange quiz. 
There was far more in-depth than was perhaps necessary, even from the first page the options were massively longer and detailed that the single solitary sentence that made up the page, I think some serious editing could still have got the meanings across in half the words. 
I found the choices insanely specific, for example on the hobbies page I couldn't find an option for my preferred hobbies (namely reading, writing and smoking) so I had to go with music, drawing and art as I did one of those three but didn't really do any of the others in the other choices. I ran into this problem repeatedly, even on the "what is your favorite color page" (oh, black isn't listed but "rust" is? Seriously? How many people love rust more than black?) 
I was also a bit embarrassed that of the poems listed the only one I knew was Jaberwocky… this whole quiz was a lot more adult that the simple question "what magic ability would you have" seemed to require, it's like clicking on what you think is a casual 5 minute quiz to find a detailed philosophical exploration of the sub-conscious hidden within. 
After working my way through everything, most disappointingly, what I got was literally "nothing". I didn't find the explanation "those who use nothing are extremely powerful" particularly convincing, in my experience "those who use nothing" are seriously lacking in the personal finances side. 
On the plus side you are an extremely articulate and intelligent writer whose work seems free from the spelling errors and grammar mistakes that plague most of us. If this quiz was surprisingly in-depth it says good things about what your next story game is likely to be like: something deep and interesting. It is good to write stuff like this quiz to get used to the system, advanced editor, variables etc and I'm sure you'll put this experience to good use :) 3/8 for this story, perhaps a bit harsh but based on personal preference and for the reasons mentioned above it wasn't really my thing, though it did have many good features.

-Will11

3. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/in-the-pale-moonlight

This was a great game. I started reading before the contest results were announced and wasn’t surprised to hear it got 1st. Congrats. From the violent killings to the “calm before the storm” Lodge preparations, it was very impressive how you set the tone. 
*Spoilers* 
Let’s start with the things I enjoyed the most: The main character and his badassery, the lore, and the werewolf primal urges. 
The Main Character: Good ol’ Willy. Like the description states, you have completed 12 hunts and the game takes place on the 13th. There is an interesting background page regarding William’s childhood and father – I recommend finding it (I don’t think you’re forced into it). Rather than a generic Van Helsing knock-off, which would have been an easy pit to fall into, the MC has his own story and is shaped by his own unique past. 
The Main Character’s Badassery: Ok, I decided this gets a section of its own. You’re armed with a shotgun and a revolver. Pure badass. Depending on the choices you make, you become blessed by a prominent Nordic figure and make the Alpha Wolf your Alpha Bitch. Oh, and did I mention he smokes weed? 
The Lore: The game shows us an unseen war that has been going on for centuries that has elements from Catholicism and Norse Mythology. An ancient order that protects weak humans from terrifying beasts could easily turn cliché, and I think Steve did tremendously well keeping the reader from having an “I’ve been here before” feeling. 
The Primal Urges: HUNT! KILL! EAT! Need I say more? 
There wasn’t anything that jumped out as something the story desperately lacked or needed to change. I didn’t mind The Fool’s riddles; I thought it was a fun twist and a nice break to the dark, gloomy setting. There were a couple places where a title or sentence was mistyped, but that’s easily corrected and didn’t affect my rating at all. I read through two endings and was deeply entertained the whole time. 
-- ninjapitka on 11/15/2018 1:01:38 PM with a score of 0

4. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/escape-the-torture-mansion

I don't know anything about whatever the original fiction is. Even so, the content was colorful and interesting. I liked the rapid pacing of the game and the variety of different characters involved. Every step of the way, you would find yourself in a different scenario. You also did a good job with having different paths through the game. 
Here's what I would have liked to see different. The characters had a lot of flair, but most were only briefly in the story. If you had put a little more into each page, you could have taken advantage of the over-the-top characters, especially later on. I would have liked to see a little bit of setup for the story, even if it was just more reaction from the protagonist to their predicament. 
Another thing was that there were a lot of random death choices throughout the game. I like a little more rhyme or reason to the outcomes of my choices. The brevity of the deaths themselves was something I thought could have been different. It just felt like a factory line of wrong choices instead of adding to the experience. An epilogue would have been nice. 
The technical side wasn't too bad, some inconsistencies with writing, exclamation points felt overused to the point of losing their impact. Nothing was broken, though. 
Overall, it wasn't bad. It just felt like a bit of a cheap thrill.-- OriginalClamurai on 1/1/2019 3:12:53 PM

5. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/arakhan's-vengeance

I enjoyed playing Arakhan’s Vengeance. While it had less focus on storytelling, it was supported by great choices, interesting paths, and fun puzzles. It was clear that careful thought was placed into the choices. I liked how your character could branch off into different paths (the death scene with the children and playing cards made me laugh), and I will definitely replay the game for different endings. I also enjoyed how picking up items opened new choices. The world felt well-planned. The story had great grammar and spelling. Although it had quite a few punctuation errors, it didn’t take away the enjoyment. However, one aspect of the game that I felt needed improvement was the writing. 
The dialogue was fine. Sometimes, it felt unrealistic (mostly Arakhan’s lines felt very forced). There was good dialogue though, such as Joad’s and Riker’s parts. You did a good job at showing some people’s personalities through their lines, and I felt like you thought about their characters. I liked how you added bits of humor (an example being the bar scene when you hug your right-hand man). 
Meanwhile, the writing was simple and got its point across. There were a few somewhat immersive scenes with good descriptions, such as when Arakhan entered the town, saw the destruction, and smelled blood. However, for the most part, I felt that the matter-of-fact description held the story back and caused it to feel bare. It seemed that you often did more telling than showing which made it hard to empathize/connect with Arakhan. I felt like I didn't really get to know him. 
For example, when the official messenger told Arakhan what happened to Lyestra, it was meant to be a horrifying moment, but it honestly didn't feel very serious. I felt that more vivid descriptions and a deeper focus on emotions/senses could have enhanced the suspense and tragedy of the news. An example of how it might go is: 
. . . at that moment, a (young/old/dark-haired/light-haired) man comes hurtling through the bushes, his (color) cape flying behind him. He stumbles, (color) eyes widening at the sight of you. 
You freeze. Your hand falls from your sword. “Adonis?” 
“Arakhan!” the man cries, lunging forward and clinging onto your arms. “Thank the gods I’ve found you!” His legs suddenly buckle. You stumble back from his weight and grab his thin shoulders. “Hey, careful!” you snap. 
He trembles against you. Sweat runs down his (pale/tan/dark) skin as he pants, mouth struggling to form words. 
“Calm down,” you order, slowly releasing him. “Breathe.” 
As Adonis bends over and sucks air into his lungs, questions explode through your mind. Adonis is the official messenger of Lyestra, so it’s not unusual for him to travel around (etc. This is where you can add some background to him, showing why it’s unusual for him to be far out in the woods. For example, where is his horse? Is he dressed appropriately? What does he look like?) He lifts his arm and wipes his forehead against his sleeve. A dark splash of red grabs your attention. You snatch his wrist and stare at the blood seeping through his (insert color) shirt. (END OF EXAMPLE) 
In addition, you frequently wrote “you feel/hear/see” or “it appears”, and I felt that it could have been changed so the story feels more immersive. For example, rather than “You feel your heart sink/You feel his hatred wash over you like the tide/He appears to have sustained a nasty cut along his bicep”, it could be, “Your heart sinks/His hatred crashes over you like a tide/Dark blood oozes out from a deep, jagged cut on his bicep.” Or instead of “You are suddenly interrupted by an incredible crashing sound coming from behind you”, it could be: 
“Actually, Lodan, about that—” 
A sudden crash erupts behind you. (end of example) 
At times, I noticed you repeated yourself and could have been more concise. Here are several examples. The first one is when you’re describing the search for goblins. You wrote, “However, you told them you would like to make one last sweep of the area before you return home. You and your men have split up to search the area for any sign of the goblins. You are on your own, in a dense area of the woods. You are searching for any sign that the goblins were here.” I felt like it could have been condensed to: “However, you told them you would like to make one last sweep of the area before you return home, so you have all split up to search for signs of goblins. You are on your own in a dense area of the woods.” 
Another example is the description of an arrowhead, which I felt that could’ve been written with fewer sentences. You also kept repeating the word “arrowhead.” I felt that it could have been shortened to something like: “As you stare at the tree, you notice something that had escaped your search before. There is an arrowhead embedded in the trunk of the tree. Someone has snapped off the shaft. You yank it out and notice a small, white feather attached to it. You pull it off and spot a strange symbol painted on it, something you have never seen before. It’s a red, two-headed cobra that fills you with dread.” 
Overall, I loved reading the story. I enjoyed the various paths and puzzles, and you clearly worked hard on the choices. Like I said before, I’ll be replaying the story. I only wish it was longer because for how well-planned your world and characters were, the length seemed surprisingly short, like a mini adventure. I felt that the story’s main weakness was the writing. I thought a deeper focus on emotion/the five senses and more detailed descriptions would help the story feel more immersive. I hope you continue writing and submitting more games, and I wish you all the best!-- SummerSparrow on 4/4/2019 2:12:29 PM

6. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/surviving-pre~2dschool

This game captured the essence of childhood really well, it made me wish I was that age again through the child's thought process. I wish my problems involved dragons in books. :( 
It actually brought back a few of my own Kindergarten memories, so thanks for that I always enjoy a good memory flash in my brain. 
The extended metaphor of the prison was also very clever and well done. I liked how it started in the cot and then moved to the kindy. I interpreted it as the child's state of having no power over anything and feeling trapped. 
One thing that was a bit weird was the age of the kid. Kindy aged kids normally don't sleep in a cot or still breastfeed? 
I found the story very lighthearted and pretty funny. The transgender book thing was pretty good and I also enjoyed the mum dumping her kid and gapping it- it reminded me of my mum! 
Each page flowed seamlessly from each choice to the next and it felt like I was reading a book. It was easy to play and although short still had a pretty decent plot.
Definitely deserves to be in the top 10 for 2017, well done :)-- ghost11 on 1/16/2019 3:05:12 AM with a score of 0

7. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-knight-order-of-the-golden-sun  (not sure if this and the following qualifiy since the game is fairly new?)

Out of nowhere, a man by the name of RND Gamer comes and writes 4x the amount of the other Corgi (not cori) contestants. Is this man a legend? Will his tremendously impressive word count help or hinder his story? Read and find out for yourself, you comment-lurking leech. Seriously though, if none of it is copied and pasted, then I applaud the hard work involved in getting to that number. 
As the description suggests, this storygame is written to be fun and humorous. I’m glad the author included that note since the title alone is obnoxious… and very similar to 3J’s masterpiece. Due to its nature, the beginning Disney movie cliché is very fitting. I mean, what’s more cliché than a princess trapped in a tower? Opening with a tavern brawl scene perhaps? It’s a fun, light-hearted opening scene though. Reminds me of a skit you’d see on SNL or a parody movie. 
I’m neutral on the POV switching. On one hand, it’s a creative way to switch scenes. It’s like a movie in that regard. It definitely keeps you on your toes since this is the first time I’ve see anyone incorporate POV switches. It is a bit confusing at first, but once you adapt it’s not a problem. Still, I’d prefer some narration to give context along with any POV change. 
I do think the writing style fits the story. It’s quirky. Although English isn’t the author’s first language, it’s not noticeable. That being said, there are a lot of weirdly structured sentences and I’m not sure if one can technically ‘nip’ at their tea. If the story tried to be serious, I don’t think I’d be able to handle the structure. Luckily, it doesn’t try. 
The dialogue and character interaction is sort of what you’d expect from a live play. It’s almost like every sentence a character speaks is outlandish and over the top with excitement. There is also heavy use of hyperbole almost like every dialogue option could determine the fate of the world (see what I did there). 
I have to admit, there was a point in the story where the length was too overwhelming without anything majorly happening. I rushed through 15 pages randomly selecting links and didn’t die. I think the author should have incorporated more ‘dead ends’. There’s a shit ton of content, but no way to lose for a long time (unless I just got lucky). The reason I rushed through the pages was to see if my choices really mattered. I know they do when you arrive at the variable section, but until then I felt like my choices didn’t determine much. I wanted to know if making a bad decision would kill me. They didn’t at first, although I do realize they could have just earned me less points. 
I think there was certainly a large amount of effort put into this storygame. Almost too much, if I’m being honest. That being said, the funny/weird story definitely fit the author’s strong points of writing. Although it was a large text wall to get over, it wasn’t unenjoyable along the way.-- ninjapitka on 4/15/2019 4:34:05 PM with a score of 5

8. 

Same story as above

I liked this story as a whole, It had some good plot twists that kept it interesting. I couldn’t tell what was going to happen at any point in the story, until they happened, maybe because it’s almost entirely dialogue, and there’s not really any descriptions or background knowledge given. I got epilogue B first, and then I got G and F in my second one (back button). 
PLOT: 
The overall plot was ok, but I felt like it was kind of linear. It really only divided up when you chose not to do something (like helping the ‘alchemist’). I also feel like this could be divided into several different short stories due to the way that you transitioned from one point to another. There was little deviation between the gender choices, but I could tell that it wasn’t like POF, using scripting, because there was a little more difference than just him/her and the name/title, so I’m guessing that there is a lot of copy and pasting. I didn’t really understand why the king would send his inexperienced son/daughter out, or even why they what the purpose of them going out was, and I wish that there was more of an explanation on what was going on, apart from the short little thing before I even start reading. 
SETTING: 
There was very little descriptions of where I was at. The most I got of the description of the capital is that is is grander than some other undescribed city. I didn’t even know that Valinor was on the water until the climax of the story. I really wish that you would have done some world building outside of dialogue. 
CHARACTERS: 
I felt like I had very weird control over my character. I could choose to do snobby things as well as heroic things throughout the story, which is a little weird for a spoiled prince/princess surrounded by his/her spoiled friends. I wish that my actions had more of an impact than just 2 seemingly meaningless numbers at the bottom of my screen. I did like how helping out/ being nice to some characters opened up some special choices later on however. There was a little description of the characters, but it’s not close to satisfactory. There wasn’t really any thoughts or emotion described. There wasn’t really any character interaction/chemistry and one of the worst things is that there isn’t a single love interest. 
GRAMMAR/SPELLING: 
I’ll blame the numerous mistakes on your claim of not being natively English, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t any. It’s very apparent that there are some, even without looking for them. I can understand what you’re trying to say, but me going back over a couple of times does take the immersion away. 
All in all, it was an ok read, but it is definitely a lot heavier in the quantity department then the quality one. It took me around 2-3 hours to read, which is pretty good. I’d give it a 5.5, which rounds up to a six, solely because I can tell that you put more time and effort into it than the average noob’s first story. -- Austinc on 4/15/2019 2:11:37 PM with a score of 250

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago
Recommending a comment for featuring on Escape the Torture Mansion

- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)

While the grammar and general concept were fine, I have to agree with Clamurai in regard to the characters. There are a lot of them and they are hardly introduced (or not introduced at all, as was the case with Tanaka's name popping out of the blue in one path), and for someone like me who has not seen the animes it might be difficult to find these quickly vanishing figures interesting. They all have their quirks, they just need more time to develop as characters in the story.

And yeah, some of the deaths were too random. For example, if you meet that guy with red hair you die no matter what option you try to choose, despite him not being a powerful being or anything that you couldn't have stopped (or fled from).

And the censored "Damn you" on the first page was funny, considering that you then go ahead describing murder and such.

As I said, your grammar and style are fine, so focus on your next project and keep in mind that not everyone reading has watched or read the same things you have.

- The username of the person who wrote the comment: undr

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3 months ago
Recommending a comment for featuring on The Mule 2:

Comment:

This was an interesting mis-mash of a story, at times it bounced between first and third person, scripted style of writing and slightly bizarre kool style txtng tlk but it was interesting, albeit confusing.

The occasional random Spanish word or phrase originally struck me as a bit gringoish and about as convincing as an albini in a sombrero and huge false moustache but I found myself warming to it as the story continued. One thing I noticed which could save you some time is rather than have several pages connected by single links (i.e., without choices) with about a sentence on each page why not just put all those sentences on one big page? It seems more time effective.

As I mentioned you switched to the scripted approach for one page (I think it was the call to Gary), that was nice and the changing styles helped prevent monotony (though conversely the lengthy monologues of the Chu brothers tended to slow things down a bit). There was a fun, quirky turn of phrase in some lines, "I'll do the doo while I'm here (in the bathroom) to be efficient, I am a professional", struck me as a personal favorite.

I was a bit puzzled about this guy Juany's morals, he's ok with drug trafficking and murder but draws the line at someone stealing a dollar from a hobo? The logic of the story also challenged: a Mexican stranger asking strange questions around the "shadier ghetto" areas of Moscow (does Moscow even have ghettos? I'm not that street-wise Soviet-style) doesn't strike me as a very failsafe plan.

I enjoyed the kind of fast-paced style though akin to action movies and would have enjoyed reading the original Mule story but it appears to have vanished. You obviously have a liking for this genre and can produce a decent fast-paced crime thriller, with practice no doubt your technique will continue to improve :)

Comment by: Will11

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3 months ago

I would like to put my forum thread, 1st, 2nd, or 3rd Person - Which to Choose? for commendation because it gives examples going into detail the different points of view while still asking an engaging question.

Plus, if you do this I will give you a cameo in my storygame wink

http://chooseyourstory.com/forums/writing-workshop/message/25266#822978

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago
You'll only give Mizal well, who am I kidding? It's probably just EndMaster who is doing this a cameo if she commends your post? How needy and ungrateful!

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago

Everyone gets a cameo - but, as with most good action books, a few have to, erm, die.

I have some power in that wink

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago

So... Commending your thread would probably be a bad idea for the mods, if they don't want to end up dying. cheeky

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago

Shhh...

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago
Note from the original post:

If you don't follow protocol, there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago

Recommending these three comments from my story Dusty Fist for featuring.

Chris, you're supposed to rename The First Page!

But this was just good goofy fun and a worthwhile way to spend five minutes. A storygame doesn't *have* to be a giant epic to be enjoyable and yours are nice to be able to point to for all those trembling noobs who either get their own 2000 word stories tragically wrong or else refuse to ever try in the first place.

Glad to see you writing again and I can tell you had fun with this. Some of the lines are just hilarious. 'The desire to not be gay and to get a glass of water gives you the motivation to see this fight through to the end.' That and the tea and scones ending were my favorite since of course I did not choose to be THAT kind of guy.

First ending I got was the happy friendship ending two clicks in, but going back I was pleased to see I had correctly sussed out that one does not merely *become* fat in the post apocalypse without being important...or without at least having a lot of really good friends in assless chaps who are in touch with emotions and sensitive to your plight.

-- mizal on 5/8/2019 2:44:25 AM with a score of 0

Story: Very short, but the absurdist humor, especially the tea and scones path is spot on.

Prose: The writing style was often really funny. The narrator's light and sarcastic voice was great, and propelled the story on. Some jokes didn't work for me ("you guys share a pair of balls and a brain") and sometimes the narrative does the heavy lifting with exclamation points or stuff like "ohohoh" when I wanted more description and jokes. But that's probably a good sign that I wanted more!

Grammar stuff: Punctuation needs a bit of work, especially comma placement.

In short, a ridiculous blend of different genres in the guise of a western.

-- Gower on 5/7/2019 5:25:30 PM with a score of 0

I found this story hilarious.
The humor in Dusty Fist would not be everyone's cup of tea. If you are one of those weirdos that actually read reviews before the story, and you do not appreciate the Rule of Funny, maybe you should not bother reading this. You won't find it funny and will just click through for the free point.

If, however, you don't mind a little absurdity, I highly recommend this story. It is short and can be read when you haven't much time to spare, and of the stories of this length which I have read, I enjoyed this one the most.

There were several parts which had me audibly laughing even on my second read through, and the grammar and writing are good. The first page may make it seem as if it will be just some cheesy action story if you're not paying much attention, but it becomes clear that it is not by the second page.
There are a few pop culture references, but they weren't very distracting, even for me who did not initially get them.

The branching style is my favorite, and it made reading through the whole thing very easy without making me read the same page multiple times.

Good job on your first story of 2019, Chris.

-- Cricket on 5/7/2019 10:30:47 AM with a score of 0

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago
Look at you, harvesting points from my hard work. I feel so exploited right now.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago

Adventures in Hollywood

1. Recommending a comment for deletion

It's a good story I just wish there was a couple more options for some of them and ending when you do something wrong.

-- Lily on 4/27/2019 11:53:47 AM with a score of 0

Reason: Duplicate comment

2. Add Tag

Female Protagonist

 

 

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3 months ago

On the story A Mutt's Purpose:

1. Featured comment suggestion:
This story was coherent, but it was trash.
First off, was it really so hard to write some new pages or take away some of the options after they had been chosen already so that there weren't all these endless loops? For example, if the dog runs into the forest after being with the people, they have an option to go back to the road, which leads to the same exact situation with the people as before. That could have easily been fixed if the author had just taken a little extra time to write a new page where the dog decides to go back to the people instead of starting the whole interaction over again.
And that same choice is labelled, "I've played this game before!" Although it usually is not, fourth wall breaking can be pulled off and can be funny. This was not one of those situations. It was annoying and cringy and the first thing that really brought out my contempt for this story. In fact, just thinking about it wants me to go lower my rating. I'm going to do that after this is posted.
If you don't go with the humans, this becomes a wolf-imitation story. Sure, I was almost amused when the dog ate the nuts *hehe* and didn't like them, but the story was too far gone for moments like that to be of any use.
And the dog gives its puppy a "proper burial"? Since when do dogs give one another proper burials? Did it make sure to bury it on consecrated ground? What the hell is that?
Then there's a dreadful romance page that if you don't go along with you end up dying of insanity because you have no purpose. You just successfully raised several pups to adulthood. Why is guarding some human children a true purpose but not raising your own puppies?
And what's with the apology for gender-locking. Of all the things in this story worth apologizing for, that was not one of them.
Don't bother with this. The grammar could have been worse, but everything else could have been far, far better.
-- Cricket on 5/7/2019 12:44:51 PM

And suggested that it replace this comment because Sethaniel:
Although the description insists the player-character is female, Mom and the little girl refer to the PC as "him" (I suppose they could just be incorrect?) Also, I didn't encounter any explanation for why the story would be "ruined" if the PC wasn't female.
At one point, the story switches from second-person to first person.
Overall, it felt extremely reminiscent of a typical Warrior Cats fanfic, just with a dog instead.
-- Sethaniel on 10/13/2014 2:25:50 PM

On the story America: Made Apocalyptic:

1. Featured comment suggestion:
There are a lot of issues with the structure of America: Made Apocalyptic, but it was somewhat entertaining. You start off in a bunker a few months after the nuclear apocalypse, and the narration is in present tense. Then, the narration switches to past tense as if you are thinking back on what happened. However, the story continues in past tense, even when the time is explicitly said to be two years after the story started, and nowhere do you end up back in the bunker.
The absurdity of the events such as the Canadian, moose-riding militia is entertaining, but the reader chooses what events happen rather than what the character does. Rather than feeling like a CYOA, it feels more like reading a strange bedtime story and deciding what you are going to have happen next. Maybe some will enjoy that more than I did.
I did get a laugh at the part when you are stationed in Wisconsin. That was the best part for me, because I have totally known a Frank, several really. It made me wonder if the author has lived in or near Wisconsin, or maybe the reputation of Packers fans has spread across the country.
If the formatting and structure had been less screwy, this might have been a very entertaining story.
-- Cricket on 5/9/2019 5:06:02 PM

On Survive the Zombies:

1. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Nonsense
X
-- D on 2/11/2019 2:21:23 PM with a score of 200

2. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Gen Z nonsense:
oof
-- Azharia on 1/7/2019 10:14:07 AM with a score of -666

3. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Spammy punctuation and lettering:
THEEE BESTTT!!!!!!!!
-- xavier on 9/17/2018 1:51:25 PM with a score of 9001

4. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Does not address the story correctly:
yes
-- yes on 3/28/2018 9:11:48 PM with a score of -666

5. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Whoever wrote it would be ashamed if they had enough working brain cells:
grr, such angers, y caont figt wih bear hands wht not fair i anger send bad report, just kidd, good report, but i rate bad cuz angers and grr and very angers. fat man cnt figt bear hans i figt bear hands not hurt not zombie bit me im strong? no. god game non ta lesz
-- young man on 3/17/2018 10:01:44 AM with a score of -666

6. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: While true, the comment does not address the story directly:
Awesome website
-- Skyler Dutter on 3/2/2018 9:15:33 AM with a score of -666

7. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Does not address the story directly:
Yay!
-- TestingJest on 11/29/2017 11:17:59 PM with a score of 9001

8. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Spammy punctuation and does not seem to address the story directly:
Family man...??????
-- nishan on 11/23/2017 4:58:58 AM with a score of 100

9. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Does not address the story directly:
hoora
-- lordofheros on 4/25/2017 1:16:37 PM with a score of 9001

10. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Likening the story to waterfowl:
hoora
-- lordofheros on 4/25/2017 1:16:37 PM with a score of 9001

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago

Recommended for featuring:

I thought the moral choices were pretty thought-provoking (well, as thought-provoking as two opposing sentences can be) and gray, different people would have different answers to those dilemmas. 

I also like how you can tell which option is going to get you killed beforehand if you're really trying to avoid dying. No tricks or anything. For example, when someone throws a punch at you it sounds pretty implausible to just grab their swinging fist and break it. However it's not overly obvious so you can still die if you're not thinking that hard about it. 

My favorite part (I'm pretty sure I played through every page unless there were hidden variables) was when the Question rushes in at the eight men and then gets pushed/kicked into the water and starts drowning. Obviously it gives you the "Dead" ending, but I thought it was realistic that there's an option to just give in and die, anyone might have a little part of them thinking that if they get beat up and shot and pushed into cold water. I liked "It doesn't hurt." It kind of made the scene better than if it had been "You sink into the freezing water, your whole body hurts, you want it to end, it really hurts, finally death brings you sweet relief", that was probably what I would expect to happen. I guess maybe you put that because he was numb from the cold. But still, I thought it was good and a little unexpected.

-- jodithewitch

On Silent Night by Chris

 

I also recommend that Love SICK by EndMaster be moved to Love & Dating.

 

Recommending comment for featuring:

This is one of the most cliche horror stories I have ever read. The plot was okay, it wasn’t really subversive at all. If you were to build up the suspense, instead of hearing the moan about three pages in, then it would be slightly better. It really wasn’t too immersive for me. The length made it not as good as it could have been. 
The pictures you had made no sense, not even the first one where he is going to live in a house so derelict a sneeze would blow it over. Then you show pictures that make it look like the inside of a mine, not an actual house. 
The grammar was okay, but you had a lot of mistakes that only a fifth or sixth grader would make. You didn’t use a lot of commas, which represent pauses when reading, so it could make it seem like there is at least a little bit of length. 
Overall, a 3/8 (but it has potential).

-- The_Broken_God on 5/22/2019 1:40:36 PM

On Out Alive by thelegitginger

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago
Link the stories, we don't really need the profiles.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

3 months ago

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

<a href="https://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-journey-of-seamus-dregg">Link</a>

 

Intro: I will start by saying I like this story. It has a lot of potential. Unfortunately there are many things wrong with it I must highlight. However let it be known that there are much worse stories out there and yours is by no means the worst. I sincerely hope that you continue writing storygames for me to read in the future. If there is one thing you take away from this if you don’t want to read my review is that your story is very liner. That is the major fault of this story. 

Concept: The concept is good. I especially like the pirate theme, as I have not seen as many stories go for that type of theme. One thing I did not like about the story however is the repetitiveness. The game mainly boils down to going to landmarks and seeing what you can find. 


Plot: Now the plot is lacking, which is a shame because it is the main focus of any story. You can make a compelling concept, with fleshed out characters, though if you have a poor plot your going to struggle to produce anything good. 

It starts off with you going to look for your crew. While this is not bad it could be a lot better. For example you could be able to look for them by checking rooms in the inn. 

Next you encounter an enemy ship and pick a course of action. The action determines if you have to fight them or get to skip it. While I like this my one major complaint is that for one of the options you can choose the outcome. It may just be me but that kind of defeats the purpose. 

After that you come across an island that you can explore. This is one of my favorite parts because you can skip it or open up the closest thing you have to a branch in the story. The only thing I see wrong with this section is the fact that if you head back sober you can’t find the ship, but if you go the next day with a hangover you make it back. It could be the fact that sunlight helps you but I’m still not sure. 

After this you find a island that your not able to dock at. If you try you die. While it is short there is not much wrong here. You get a proper warning in advance so it did not come out of nowhere. 

After this you come across a bigger ship that turns out to be the ship of an old friend. If you took your time to explore the island you would be able to spare him and go on your way, but if you didn’t you would have to kill him. I have no complaints here besides I would like the option to have a backstory page explaining the two captains pasts. 

Lastly you finally make it to the treasure island. I like the riddle, though it is a little easy giving the options. Also there should be repercussions for picking the wrong choice. You could have started digging in the wrong place, and while wasting your time a tribe of natives ambushes you and kills you. 

Characters: The characters were on of my major complaints of the story. Only two characters have name. Those are the protagonist and his old friend. The thing is we have no idea anything about these people’s pasts, and such can not be invested into them. If you would have simply put more descriptions or wrote up optional backstory pages for them that would be great. If the crew had names we would also be able to care about them a lot more. We got a glimpse of their lives when you kill the old friend, but all that does is leave the reader with more questions. 


Structure: While it was liner there were parts where it bottlenecked so I can’t say it was exactly liner. The one thing in your favor in this section is the fact that you can use the supplies you get to spare the friend. 


Word count: 2.4k words. It’s an okay word count but if you want to make a decent storygame the general accepted bare minimum is around 5k 


Spelling and grammar: This was actually not that bad. I did not notice any mistakes myself. 


In conclusion: The storygame is okay. It’s not exactly worthy of a 4 but I’m rating it that anyway. It definitely better than a 3. As I said before I hope you go on and make more storygames on this site. If you will take this to heart and add more details you could make a fairly good storygame for the site to see. 
-- Serpent

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

https://chooseyourstory.com/story/grief

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago
Do you have RTE on?

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

No but I was editing that post lol, trying to copy paste my comment

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

Sorry could not edit post above

------

https://chooseyourstory.com/story/grief

Intro: I will say that I love the direction of this story. It could have been an amazing story filled with tons of potential. However the word length crushes everything that it had to offer. The author even admits he wrote it in fifteen minutes. However for fifteen minutes of work the payoff is quite wonderful. This story exhibits almost all of the bad habits of writing a storygame. Minimal effort, liner, less than 400 words, and much more. However I still see it as a game that should stick around. The emotion and passion I sense from this story is astonishing. While that may not be easy to capture in a longer story, in this one it works. Another thing is the level of mystery surrounding the story. We have no idea about anything, and everything is vague. While this could be good here it is bad. Now without further ado let's begin with the review

Concept: The concept is the worst part of it all. It had so much potential to be something good. Something you could be proud of. All thrown away because you were too lazy to act on it. The story is not bad, but if you would have spent a few days fleshing it out it could have been so much better.

Plot: This is basically non existent. We have a idea of what happens, someone dies and you mourn for her relentlessly, but how did she die? Also at the end you get to choose your outlook. One makes you commit suicide, the other makes you move on. This is good, but I wish it was fleshed out more.

Characters: What characters? All we know of is the protagonist and a girl. They both are lacking names. This is a huge issue. All we know of is a girl who died and the protagonist got depressed by it. What is their back story. Are they lovers? I would assume so but it never tells me. How did they meet, what was their childhood like, just something anything that can help me know them better.

Structure: Well this was liner. It was one of those stories where you have a straight path and one choice at the end. Though there is one thing that sets this story apart from those structure wise. That is the fact that there are FOUR PAGES IN THE ENTIRE STORY. In one playthrough only three. Now do you see the big structure problem here?

Word count: This one is just sad. My review will be over 500 words but this story is less than 400. This and the structure are the things that have killed you story. They are the reason that it is so bad.

Sperling and grammar: Not bad at all.

Conclusion: Good game with lots of potential. Though the fact that its word count and structure are so bad makes it a three. If you were to fix it up a little bit I might have put a four but with this word count and four pages I don't know. Anyway hope you write more 3/8

 

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

Ghost House

Recommending  comments for deletion:

1.

rape me

-- bitchbaby jr. on 5/17/2018 10:38:16 PM

2. 

kill me in a sexual manner

-- bitchbaby on 5/17/2018 10:33:30 PM

 

 

 

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

I personally found those comments to be extremely insightful. ^_^

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

Pity bitchbaby didn't leave those on Love SICK, they might have gotten featured instead.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

Recommending a storygame for unpublishing:

https://chooseyourstory.com/story/dugeon-master 

Reasoning: Not sure if the literal misspelling of dungeon in the title is any indicator of the quality, but. Well it's not really good, I think? For some reason I rated it a 3 but on a more recent re-read I have been left scratching my head about that.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

It needs to stay. It is a crown jewel of a story. I have not seen this captivating since necromancer! also I have a featured comment on it so...

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

I must admit to rating my receiving of a single point higher than your featured comment on a low rated storygame with a wrongly spelled title that was apparently supposed to be one of three parts.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

Recommended comment for featuring on The Great Jungle Escape

***Spoiler Alert*** 

Intro/Backstory: This needs quite a bit more information than “the pilot is dead”. Or, just change it because it is extremely cliche. As in, copying Hatchet cliche. A few ideas instead: 
- Main character is in the US Navy, and works on a submarine. 
- Main character is on vacation, and is swimming, but gets sucked out by a giant riptide. 
There are really multitudes of ideas that can be used instead of the ‘plane crashed, pilot dead’ one. 

Main part: So, there are quite a few things to say about this bit. For one, it is very random. The main character is on the island for less than half an hour, and BOOM! A tiger attacks you. Then, in order to escape, you run away from it, even though it is practically impossible to outrun a tiger in the jungle. Furthermore, when you climb through the cave and are seized by the cannibals, that page was way too short. It was one sentence long, and just simply made me loose interest in the story (though I never had any to begin with). And how you escape, by punching your way through a crowd of cannibals, is absolutely unnatural. Ever tried punching your way through a crowd? Now try that again, but instead the crowd must be savages that see you as your dinner. 

Climax: This is very anticlimactic. It simply doesn’t make the reader sit on the edge of their seat and hold their breath. And no matter what you choose, fish or crocodile, it takes you to the same page. Here is literally what you said: If you said "fish" you were wrong! IT'S A CROCODILE!! It makes no sense to have a story as linear as this one, and then go on and make it so that no matter what you choose, you go to the same page. Don’t ever do that in a storygame unless it is absolutely necessary. 

Resolution: Way too random, in fact doesn’t make any sense. The pilot of the helicopter can somehow pull you up with one hand, WITH A STICK, while piloting the helicopter with the other. This doesn’t really make sense. And, how is the main character so lucky as to be able to get to the helicopter in the first place? Why is the helicopter on an island of savages and (to quote you) “ferocious beasts”? It really doesn’t make any sense. 

This story is rather boring, and doesn’t really hook the reader in unless they’re 10 years old. The description of it was horrible. You spelled ‘escape’ wrong, and you said something about being “doomed to death”. 

Overall, 2/8. Horrible. 

-- The_Broken_God on 6/3/2019 9:13:11 AM

 

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

It's 2.99, just missed the minimum to feature comments on it.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

Can we get an F mega in the chat please

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago
F

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

Dammit

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

The odder thing is despite you rating it a 2 in your comment, you actually rated it a 4 in the real rating section.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

I want to move the rating up a little.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago
But it was already higher than what you thought it should have.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

I know, but I want the commendations

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

Recommending a comment for featuring on The Second Battle of Bull Run

https://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-second-battle-of-bull-run

Usually the school projects we get here are uh, not great, so this one was kind of refreshing. It definitely could've used more description and detail, we're often just briefly told that major things happened. More time could've been spent in the beginning especially, describing the camp and setting the scene. But aside from all the classic 'show, don't tell' advice, the writing itself is solid in all the technical aspects like grammar and punctuation and so on. 

The "diary" entry on the first page made me chuckle and there were other details that were reminders of what a fun person John Pope was (more to read about than to live with for sure...) but there were a good number of options for more logical actions too, and some that were just fun. (The Traitor/Martyr choices were kind of wtf in the way they came out of nowhere but something about the whole scenario of having Stonewall Jackson just walk into your tent was amusing enough I didn't mind...) 

I know the author just did this for a school project but I wouldn't mind at all seeing more stories from them, whether they stick to historical stuff or have other stories they want to tell, I'd say they've got a lot of potential here. 

Many others have tried and failed to do school projects here. I hope they take note of this because as you can see, it's quite easy to avoid having your story taken down really. If you want to hit that publish button, all you have to do is not suck. 

-- mizal on 5/1/2019 3:41:54 AM with a score of 0

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

May I present to you for unpublishing: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/science-fiction-project. It's the newest game on the site and it's even worse than my attempts at storygames somehow. 

 

In the description it's described as being completely random, has 5 or 6 pages, AND identical links that do different things, one of them being a death link on the first page.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago
You generally don't need to inform us of brand new stories, unless they're actual porn or whatever or something we'd obviously instantly take down if aware of it. This one will be unpublished once people have a bit of time to collect their free points.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

Gotcha.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

2 months ago

For Orion
1. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Does not address story.
Ok... -- Lol on 6/13/2012 1:54:21 AM with a score of 0

For Fish Filet
1. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Does not address story clearly.
Just once... -- Geordie on 2/14/2019 5:29:50 AM with a score of 0

For Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
1. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Does not address the story directly.
I lost. Wah. -- Jeff on 8/21/2010 1:40:40 PM with a score of 0

For The Ocean's Daughter
1. Recommendation for comment deletion. Reason: Spammy lettering and uncreative flaming of the author.
WASTED MY TIME F YU -- Kuro on 3/17/2019 1:52:36 PM with a score of 265
2. Recommendation or comment featuring
'The Ocean's Daughter' is written beautifully. Despite other comments, I think that the grammar and spelling was done exceptionally well compared to other stories on this website. There are no complaints from me on that end. Though I have to admit that I did have trouble connecting with any of the characters. I feel that there could have been more character development, and I certainly would enjoyed reading more about the mermaid and her past. The ending struck me as a bit disappointing; I was expecting more of a climax or build-up at that point. (Though I clearly got the bad ending.) Overall, this is a well written short story. The author has talent and skill in terms of writing fiction. If only I could have learned more about Marina and her life as a mermaid! Maybe if I play again, the "good" ending will be better...? Rating: 6/8 -- Killah_B on 3/7/2014 8:54:11 PM with a score of 270
Recommended to replace:
Definitely reminds me of Snow... Of course, that's not a bad thing at all. A grammar mistake here and there, but this is honestly really good! -- Doodled on 2/11/2012 10:21:36 PM with a score of 270

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

one month ago

Finally noticed these.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

one month ago
Please delete these comments on my story, Frameshift, as they are either irrelevent or deter readers from finishing (like the ones about the password, which no longer apply): Chapter 0.5: Do You Know The Password Or Are You Trying To Sneakily Look At My Story? I blips and clicks excitedly, shimmering with pride at being chosen over the others -- think you should write IT blips Chapter One: The Weak Hero (WARNING: B-B-BUGS AHEAD) 'Hello. I've made this accessible to players. Obviously, you're not a player- you in my writing room- you're just a puppet who'll vanish soon. You've fulfilled your purpose and you're going to degrade into nothingness.' 'Hello. I've made this accessible to players. Obviously, you're not a player- (SINCE) YOU'RE in my writing room- you're just a puppet who'll vanish soon. You've fulfilled your purpose and you're going to degrade into nothingness.' Plaques and tangles Bickle hero girl gonna beat up the meanie and win the day? --i've never heard of bickle before, maybe ickle?? or wickle??? "Seriously, stop it Shade," you whisper back, determined not to let your emotions get the better of you as the kitchen tiles squeak under your footsteps. --either put that your trainers squeak or floorboards do Morbid You teeth grit. --you grit your teeth? Sangal Avenue, scouring the streets in black uniform --started in yellow uniform FRAMESHIFT -- in red? ANGER is 19. BLOOD is 29. JUSTICE is 24. STRENGTH is 11. TRUTH is 0. Muscle-bound Over the period, the burn sheers away much of the hatred you had even left over from the fighting club and it becomes easier to talk again. -- I didn’t choose fighting club, i chose to train controlling transforming then transform train again • Fight Bomber • Get out off there --spelling off instead of of -- Groke on 6/18/2019 6:48:30 PM with a score of 0 SYSTEM ERROR. ACCESS DENIED. WARFTHECAT F-F-F-FAILED. NEW CHALLENGER IDENTIFIED. CHALLENGER APPROACHING... REBOOTING HOPE. APPROACHING... APPROACHING... -- AzBaz on 1/15/2018 3:52:25 PM with a score of 0 There are 66429 posible combinations, I have better things to do with my time. -- warfthecat on 1/12/2018 8:30:53 AM with a score of 0 SYSTEM ERROR. ACCESS DENIED. ACCESS DENIED. ACCESS DENIED. RESETTING PASSWORD, PLEASE WAIT... ACCESS GRANTED. -- AzBaz on 1/9/2018 10:44:29 AM with a score of 0 Can't find the passcode! -- JOHNDOE on 1/3/2018 2:54:16 PM with a score of 0 Love this story especially when I spent about 30 mins trying to break the code and none of these works, 98913-setting yourself up for failure 4851 4581 4518 4815 4185 4158 1584 1548 1854 1845 1485 1458 5184 5148 5481 5418 5814 5841 8514 8541 8415 8451 8145 8154 -- Forepaw on 1/1/2018 10:20:28 PM with a score of 0 The contest is over, could you publish the password now or maybe do something smart in the description like make it 4851 due to you using those four numbers in the description. Hope you edit it soon. -- Rando on 1/1/2018 7:15:42 PM with a score of 0

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

20 days ago

edithe-zilonis

Intro: Now I'm going to start off by saying this is a great game. You should definitely read it and I would definitely recommend it. If you are the type of person who reads reviews before games, I'm going to warn you that this review will spoil the entire story for young and before you read this review you should play the game. Also by all means you should play this game. It is a great game that by all means deserves to be featured. Besides one major problem I'm going to touch on later this story is magnificent.

Concept: The concept was the main reason why I was drawn to review this story. I love the whole undertaker thing, and love how it is implemented. I lean towards darker themes in general so that definitely helps. I also the whole afterlife thing, and how you are judged before judges and get to pick where you go is great, and it is implemented great as well. I would of liked to see it explored more, but given the focus of the story I see why it wasn't.

Plot: The plot itself is pretty basic, though the way it is written makes it go from basic to amazing. While a girl getting murdered and you having to find out who did it may be basic, the story puts a lot of different spins on it that turns this into a story worth telling. That combined with how well it is written and this is a must read. I can't pick out what, but something about the authors writing puts this story on a whole new tier. Even though the plot is kind of basic, the concept and characters are the main driving force for me. Speaking of...

Characters: I absolutely love the characters in this. The undertaker himself feels like an old man, though it is stated later that that is not the case. The girl herself has a flaring personality that contrasts nicely with the more reserved, sweet, and caring vibes I got from the undertaker, and their senses of humor pair nicely.

Structure: This is my biggest complaint with the story overall. The story itself is very liner, with the only major decision being the final one and all that one determines is what ending you get. Honestly if it just had more paths or just something to make it more of a cyoa the quality would be improved drastically. Though I would rather have this than a story that branched, and because of that the story suffered because of it. But if you can keep this quality of writing, and add branching, then do that.

Word count:13.6k. Overall not a bad length, though not a terribly long one either. Though in this story's case I think I prefer this length. It makes a decent read while not being too long as to be overwhelming. Also the fact that it is short means that it is nice and compact, and that makes it so that it is interesting throughout.

Spelling and grammar: Amazing. Noticed a few things, but nothing to detract from the story.

Conclusion: Definitely a story worth reading. I would be interested to read more from the same author. I have to give this game a 6/8. The writing was amazing, and the only bug flaw was the branching. If that had been fixed I would have given it a 7, but as it is it is a welcome addition to the featured page.

-Serpent

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

20 days ago

Well hell, if you're going to commend this review, might as well keep going and commend the previous two insightful comments on the same story as well.

Since when are we self-nominating, anyway?

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

20 days ago
Serpent is a tard. That story only has three comments, which is likely what is keeping ANYTHING from being commended. No point in making sure something is up top when there's nothing to bury it.
Self-nominating is allowed, and Serpent's done it before. You just don't get the extra points. This is a particularly impatient example though.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

20 days ago

The other ones weren’t commended initially due to the story not having enough ratings to even have a score though since it does now comments can be commended.

Serpent is still a tard though.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

20 days ago

"Serpent is still a tard though."

Let's all drink to that! (Those of us who are old enough to do so.)

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

20 days ago
Thank you, sir. Serpent is still a tard! XD

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

20 days ago

This warms my heart.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

19 days ago
This is how it’s feels when you see one of the three legendary dogs in the second gen Pokemon games.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

19 days ago
This is how it feels when some shitbag climbs the fence at the zoo and gets more attention than the animal.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

19 days ago
This is how it feels when you find out your neighbor works at the local strip club.

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

18 days ago

Is this what it feels like when your dad suddenly comes back fifteen years after he left to buy cigarettes?

Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom)

17 days ago
Story

Intro: Before getting into this, I would like to mention I know this is a parody, but for the purposes of this review I'm going to be ignoring that fact.

First of all I want to say that even though this is a parody the writing is not that bad. I still kind of enjoyed reading this even if it is just another lolrandom game. The style of your writing is very descriptive, and from this and the bio on your profile page you seem to be very great at describing things. Especially outlandish things I have come to notice. If you were to make a serious attempt I think you could make a story worth featuring. I can't think of many authors on this site that go this far with their outlandish descriptions and would like to see more.

Concept: The concept is pretty good. I like the whole walking this, and the inception thing even if it was repetitive after each path to see the whole inception thing, it was entertaining. At least at first. Besides the fact that this is a lol random game the concept of just walking around is an interesting one. In a story with a plot you could talk to characters and explore places with no reason beside something like I don't know traveling or something? Speaking of plot...

Plot: There isn't much of one. This isn't you fault because this a parody but ignoring that the lack of any rhyme or reason or anything at all is infuriating. Why am I walking? While this story is a lol random there could have at least been a basic plot. A reason or goal to accomplish. In any case, let's move on.

Character: Characters? What's a character?

Structure: The structure is very… weird. So you basically pick a direction and you branch off from there. One direction is a death, one makes you turn into a ball of inferno, one lets you walk in circles until your rotation destroys the earth, and another makes you walk forever until you choose to hang yourself. There are a few diffrent paths so at least it isn't liner, but still. How you reach those paths is pretty basic.

Word count: 3k. Meh. Not long, but the fact you put so much into a parody game let's me excuse this.

Spelling and grammar: Good. Not much else to say. Most games are either good or bad and that's it.

Conclusion: This game was well made. It may not be a good game on account of the lack of plot and characters, it is still very well made. I hope that we get more stories from you because your style of writing is unique and I love it. Also I never got to read the original on account of it being unpublished. 4/8

Serpent