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It's a writing site for ******* sake, surely stories with plots, named characters and properly presented dialogue is not asking for much, it should be the minimum standard rather than something fan-fic writers, WC fans and the guy who likes Spiderman hope to be able to do one day :D - Will11

Having a comment featured (2 points)

Recommending a comment for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a user's excellent aid in the last six months for points (1 point)
Recommending a tag change for a storygame (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for a change in maturity level or difficulty level (1 point for each)
Recommending a storygame for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing (1 point)
Recommending a comment for deletion (1 point)

So, in other words, if you go, right now, and find 5 storygames which are not properly tagged (there are literally dozens of these out there), then you'll get 5 points.

Catch #1:  To get points for recommending something, I have to agree with you. If you recommend a story for featuring and I don't feature it, then you don't get the points. This is to prevent people from gaming the system. Don't worry, for most of the above recommendations, you won't get rejected often if you follow proper procedure. (Except maybe on the "recommending for featuring.")

Catch #2:  Newly Created Storygames are not eligible point earners.  The original intent of this post was to find things we mods/admins had missed in older games. There is no point in spending our time removing comments, featuring comments, adding/removing tags, changing categories and maturity levels on a storygame that's going to be unpublished a week from now. Not to mention, we will almost always notice issues with newly created games without needing to be notified. 

Recommending a comment for featuring:

Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
- If there are already 3 featured comments on the storygame, you also have to let me know whose comment you think should be replaced.
- If I agree, you will get 1 point and the person whose comment is featured will get 2 points. If you are reccomending your own comment, then you only get 2 points.

Note: No points are awarded for recommending/featuring comments on games that are soon to be unpublished.  It's a waste of time on a story that's going to be removed anyway.

Recommending a comment for deletion:

Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- The comment that you think deserves deletion (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)

It has to either have spammy punctuation, flame the author, be completely incomprehensible, be a duplicate comment, or not actually be a comment (such as "..." or "poop" or something).  

Note: Do not recommend comments on Endmaster, madglee, or Tanstaafl's games for deletion unless they are spammy or deformed. Basically, they like to read their flamers so don't rob them of that.  
No points are awarded for recommending comments for deletion on games that are soon to be unpublished.  It's a waste of time on a story that's being cleared out anyway.

Recommending a user's aid in the advanced editor (post must be made in the last 6 months)

Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- The user who provided the aid
- A hyperlink to the post where he provided the aid

Recommending a tag change for a storygame

Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- All of the tags you believe the story should have

Recommending a category change for a storygame

Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- The category you believe it should be in
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a change in maturity or difficulty level for a storygame

Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- The change you think should be made
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a storygame for featuring

 

Recommending a forum thread for deletion

Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the thread
- A short rationale for why

Recommending a storygame for unpublishing

Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- A short explanation of why [specifically, you must describe how it fails to meet minimum site standards]

• • After receiving at least 7 ratings and being published for at least 1 week, the storygame is rated 1/8
  • After receiving at least 7 ratings and being published for at least 1 week, the storygame is rated 2/8 and its length is 1/8
  • The storygame has all of the following characteristics:
    • Grammar and style poor enough that it cannot be ignored
    • A plot which is poor or nonexistent
    • Poor pacing (usually characterized by frequent and unpredictable end game links)
    • A lack of important decisions
    • Unbelievable or overly cliched dialogue (if dialogue is present in the story)
  • The storygame has "dead" pages- pages with no links or way to proceed.
  • The storygame's central concept is pornographic in nature
  • The storygame is not a storygame and is instead intended to fulfill a goal such as communicating with another member (including all inside jokes) or advertising a product.
  • The storygame is explicitly described by the author as a "troll" game, or intentionally poor quality.
  • Any unfinished story rated 4 or less which has been published for over six months.

    • What qualifies a story as "unfinished?"

      1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo."

      2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later.

      Games that say they are the first in a series are not automatically considered "unfinished." As long as the game itself is complete, even if the author never returned to write a sequel, it is not up for unpublishing.

       

If you don't follow protocol, either there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points. Following protocol expedites the process for me so I don't have to spend a lot of time making changes.

To summarize: post here (for the most part) with recommendations for who I should reward / what I should change and I'll reward you with points. Take a second to check the posts above you and see if someone else has already made the recommendation. Remember, newly created Storygames are not eligible for tag/category/comment points.

(And Hell Followed With Him reminds me of a song xD

Also, I am back, and aiming for 2.5k! Will I make it? Who knows xD But I will try.

Also, I was thinking about suggesting some of Thara's comments for featuring, but that seemed like a jerk thing to do. I'll let her suggest her own comments xD)

Recommended Comments for Featuring:

 

1. Highschool Lockdown

I had a little trouble believing how some of choices played out, although I admit that my opinion is biased from the start because I found the premise rather problematic given how many tragedies have involved guns and schools. It really didn't work for me as the setting of, what I assume, was supposed to be a wryly humorous adventure, and I really didn't have it in me to explore all the paths.

That being said, what's there is decently written, if in need of a little bit of proofreading and some more plot development. If you don't have a problem with the premise, it isn't all too long, has a couple of unique endings, and might be worth a playthrough or two.

-- the_quiller on 3/2/2016 4:57:20 PM with a score of 0

 

2. Hm. This didn't have a lot in common with the way people would genuinely feel when caught during a genuine terrorist incident (I remember going to the scene of the Luxor Massacre in Egypt and seeing bloody fingerprints on the walls...) but it did have a lot in common with how people would react in a computer game... I think a greater degree of realism and a few checks for grammar mistakes would be useful (you should never have questions like "you see 3 guys patrolling what do you do" because that leads to a distinctive "meh" reaction).
I think you have a good premise and some promising alternative choices worked out here but from a random reader I'd recommend revamping the writing to make it more gritty, more sensory (talk about individual actions, reader's responses, the emotions of other people in dramatic terms etc) and generally more lifelike, then you'd have something a lot stronger here :)
Also there seemed a distinct indifference on the part of the author every time I died. It's bad enough dying, it's worse if the omniscient narrator doesn't care much about it :P

-- Will11 on 2/29/2016 3:45:55 PM with a score of 0

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3. A Yearly Exam of Seasonfield

Very good effort for a first game but you've got a lot of problems. Primarily, it always irks me when someone posts "there are a lot of spelling errors and grammatical errors" on the description page. If that's the case, why don't you fix them? In fact, why weren't you writing with a spellchecker in the first place? Beyond that though, you had two other problems. Clarity. You didn't do a great job of introducing the situation, it was often times difficult to understand exactly where I was or what I was doing or why. At one point you were talking about a special book but then I never heard mention of that again. There were a bunch of poorly introduced factions and groups and it was obviously unrealistic. The final problem was continuity. I killed Mr. Teacher in the beginning but then later on, I have to duel him? Why did the teachers attack the military alliance? It was all way too co

-- JJJ-thebanisher on 8/18/2010 3:40:21 PM

 

I assume what 3J meant to type at the end was confusing xD

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4. An Unusual Day at Littlewood High

The game wasn't too bad, but I always give a little cringe when I read things like "This is my first ever story game, so it's not going to be very good." ... Or something along those lines. If you're a good writer, it wont matter if it's your first story game or your 179th, it's going to be good anyway.
Hell, the fact that it's your fist game shouldn't make people throw something together and say "meh, it's not perfect, but it's only mt first game, so it doesn't matter." If anything people should try their absolute hardest to make their first game the best that they possibly can, 'cos that's going to give people their first impression on how good you are as a writer...
That said, you did say "Rate on what you think it deserves." Instead of "Pretty please give me really good ratings and don't say anything mean 'cos I'm only ten and you'll hurt my feelings." So you get points back for that ^_^

-- Briar_Rose on 3/11/2015 3:45:14 AM

 

5. There have been far worse first time efforts. A general tip, if the game takes less than a day to finish, you probably need to do something more with it: develop plot, flesh out the world, use more descriptive language.

Also, what James said. Below is how I would divide up the first page. The first two paragraphs could be combined, but I would argue this way makes the opening scene a little catchier. I also added a few commas where needed and some extra notes.

"Wake up boy!"

You sigh deeply as your English teacher, Mr. Greenwood, smashes his hand down on your desk for the sixth time in the lesson. "Can you understand me boy?!" This time infuriated with rage. <- Fragment. Also it doesn't really tell me anything new. We know he's pissed off. (Side note: fragments can be used stylistically at times, but it just seems clumsy here.)

"No sir! I was just studying through this test book!" You hope it is a good enough excuse, as you are not very good at telling lies, or English at that. <- I know what you're trying to say here, but the way it's written it sounds like the protagonist doesn't know the English language (in regards to speaking it) rather than the subject.

"I have just been studying your test results, and they are dreadful! This recess, you are going to stay in and practice the test!"

Remember to use strong nouns and verbs in your writing so you rely less on adjectives and adverbs. Strong nouns and verbs paint clearer pictures.

Hope this helps, and once again, welcome to CYS.

-- Bucky on 3/10/2015 3:10:30 PM

 

6. So the teacher dies from the sound of a whistle... This was either meant to be funny or horribly unrealistic. The overall story needs work; fleshing out the characters would add a nice touch. The main issue here is how short it is; make the storygame longer, add more choices, and you've got an okay game. If you want to go with the 'escape the school' angle, adding variables would be great. Also? I'm not a big fan of the too-perfect-and-amazing endings. I mean, the guy shirks school and then ends up being in the CIA? Or you give your parents a chocolate bar and end up running and successful candy business?

-- AllThatIsGold on 1/9/2016 5:09:16 PM

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7. Court Case

I enjoyed this, it was realistic and interesting. Again though the choices are painfully obvious, if you're being arrested for a crime you're not guilty of it's probably not a good idea to pick a fight with the policemen at the scene or try for a new long-distance running record :D I like the concept here and hopefully you will write longer, more detailed courtroom dramas.
Incidentally this isn't school-based because it's not set in a school. It's probably Edutainment or possibly modern adventure.

-- Will11 on 6/2/2015 9:40:47 PM

 

8. This is a good idea, but it could be better executed. The story was short, and choices were few. The trial ended rather abruptly with the white woman, and while the trial seemed longer with the African-American man, there were not many meaningful choices besides the 'run' and 'panic' choices no one ever chooses. I would love to see this game with more choices and longer trials, so that the reader has to try to figure out how to win the case. And perhals it would better help the story if the reader was acting as the lawyer, not the client? Considering that the lawyer would do more of finding evidence, talking to witnesses, and such.

-- AllThatIsGold on 1/9/2016 11:28:00 AM

Recommending a category change for a storygame:

9. For Court Case

-Change to edutainment. Story does not take place in school.

'And Hell followed with him' I'm pretty sure was a line the guy who wrote the Book of Revelations plagiarized from a Johnny Cash song.

Glad we've got a new thread, the other was becoming a serious pain to scroll through.

 

 

My repeated "xD"'s and "Also"'s are starting to bother me.

Anyways...I was actually thinking about Ikillya but that is true as well. 

New thread, yay!

Recommending comments for featuring:

Amish Adventure

This was quite well-written and informative. It was definitely more story than game, and the story didn't really deviate much from a certain set path, but that's really the only minor gripe that I had with this. 

It offered good insight on a lifestyle that I certainly don't know much about, and some nice tidbits to familiarize me with certain facets of the Amish culture that I found to he rather interesting. 

This was honestly a pretty good story. I only wished that it wasn't so linear and there was more potential branching involved.

-- TharaApples on 10/20/2016 6:12:40 PM

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1. I liked this, it was well put together with a fairly plausible plot for an educational story game. It was well written but could have been longer, branched out more or had some more exciting elements but within it's own boundaries I thought it was excellent :)

-- Will11 on 1/7/2015 3:06:58 AM

2. Socially Important tag

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Avery M: Dead Man's Journal

This truly was one of the most unique and fascinating experiences that I had the pleasure of going through. This game immediately caught my attention upon the very first page, and it had me hooked on the humor and commentary of the very relatable and witty hero of this story, that is Avery. 

The use of items were done rather well, and the game was challenging but in a fun, exciting way. This wasn't a case that I could just leave unfinished, and I felt a sense of accomplishment when certain facets of the case came together, until the conclusion in which all was unraveled and revealed. 

It's quite obvious that there was much care and attention given towards the mystery of this game, which was definitely quite a unique and fun spin from the usual mystery game. This game is something that stands out from it's peers, but it stands out in a very positive way.

-- TharaApples on 10/21/2016 1:45:06 PM with a score of 2575

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3. Awesome! One of my favorite games I've read so far and definitely my favorite mystery/puzzle game on the site. Loved the art, the video and the story. Only flaw I can think of is that it would've been cool if there were more suspects, but otherwise, this is a really awesome story game and I really admire all the effort you must've put into it. 8/8! Will come back some time to read the first 16 pages of the Hunger Games :p

-- Briar_Rose on 1/7/2013 8:45:54 AM with a score of 2900

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Music Murder

4. An ok story and good use of the items but it seems a bit strange that the police just randomly allow a member of the public to conduct their investigation for them, also I'm not sure what the motive was. A bit more depth to the story including more of a back story for the main character and other characters (rather than have them just listing their criminal histories it might be more fun to discover these through careful questioning) would improve it but in it's current form it's still quite enjoyable :)

-- Will11 on 11/11/2014 4:09:21 AM with a score of 0

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De Milite Inprudenti

5. Beautiful! Love how there is a first person narration and the player himself isn't said narrator! I'll need to steal that idea, hehe! 

But seriously, great, refreshing game! It's a bit short but it's still a VERY high quality and I feel the short length helps ensure it doesn't overstay its welcome. 

P.S. Love how you have the illustration of the dragon on your intro page! You'll need to tell me how you did that sometime, haha!

-- Aducan on 9/25/2015 10:07:09 AM with a score of 0

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6. Not bad, liked how the narrator was the dragon; it was a pretty unique concept. It seemed to me though that almost every other page sentenced you to death; I wish this was not so linear. Fair writing though, and it was unqiue from the average cliche "hero slays a dragon" type story.

-- FazzTheMan on 7/2/2015 3:13:36 AM with a score of 0

I don't think I missed any of my comments that I think are feature worthy, Seto :P

If you're able to find any, I won't mind if you recommend them at all.

Oh? In that case :P
I will go track them down now. xD
 

I wouldn't recommend it xc

Besides, I'm sure there's more productive things that you can be doing. Killa needs great minds to help him with these articles after all, I hear that there will even be points in it :)

I am not good with the articles here xD

I find it hard to track down information(except when I use the alphabetical sorting), and while I have read all the articles, I would not look forward to doing it again! XD

At least you can say that you've read every single article. Umm, there's some that I haven't read through yet :l

When I say every single article, I pretty much mean it :P

I still have some really old ones saved in my phone's bookmarks!

Actually, speaking of them...

Does anyone remember this one? If we got a dedicated team, I think we should do something like this again, since tags aren't searchable..I mean..we only have what? 1080 storygames currently published...

Honestly I always thought the "Geared for Extremists" tag should have been called "Hardcore"

Geared for Extremists sounds like they're stories for religious fanatics.

Currently 249 of those.

Yeah, but then that one and "Geared for Children" wouldn't look as well together :P

Just kidding. And yeah, it kind of does. Someday, it should be changed. But hardcore sounds kind of weird as well.

But maybe that's just me.

And really? There are 249 storygames with the extremist tag?

Surprised me too when looking through the tags list. I don't usually pay attention to the tags too much when just scanning through stories.

I'm going to guess the top tag is humor xD

Top tag is Serious, though Humor is second, and then RPG.

Ah. I was close. Enough

I'm guessing this is largely due to the purge eliminating most of the rather..cringey "lolz humer" ones...

(I still think attack of the manatees should have been allowed to stay >~<)

 

I liked that game too, though I didn't even realize it was killed off.

Ah, it seems I made a typo with my newly featured comment in Amish Adventure...

Ugh, I hate when even one word is misspelled in something like this :c

Yeah, I know what you mean >~<

Those nasty typos and sentences, that when you reread, don't make as much sense as you thought they did...

Recommending comments for deletion:

Shadow Simulator 2016

1. bread is gud

-- dirty bread on 4/21/2016 8:36:16 AM with a score of 0

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2. Not actually Tom Ryan

-- Tom Ryan on 4/21/2016 8:28:16 AM with a score of 0

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3. retweet

-- rylee on 4/20/2016 9:50:38 AM with a score of 0

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4.WHERE WERE THE CLOUDS?! I LIVE BREATHE AND SLEEP CLOUDS. THERE SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE CUMULONIMBUSES. UGH.

-- Cloud Enthusiast on 4/20/2016 9:50:34 AM with a score of 0

Reasoning: Amusing, but this obviously isn't serious criticism. 

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Recommending comment for featuring:

5. This was definitely a very different shadowing experience than the ones I'm used to, but I did enjoy the peek into vocational school (even if I have a sneaking suspicion that the admissions test might not be quite the same). The fact that the people in this game are based on real people is a point in its favor, because the students I talked to in the game all had their own quirks and FELT like people you could actually meet in that setting. I also enjoyed the humorous knowledge presented on each of the notes, because I was expecting actual shadowing notes and instead got humorous little facts. 

That being said, even though this storygame was made for a school project, many readers might not be inherently interested in the topic, which can't be helped. It would be nice if the quiz at the end was streamlined though - check out the 'How to write a quiz with the advanced editor' article by JJJ-thebanisher in the Help & Info section if you want to figure out how to do that.

-- the_quiller on 3/26/2016 11:51:58 PM with a score of 0

Recommending a comment for deletion: This game No matter what you go to jail for life. -- dragon396 on 6/16/2016 11:53:15 AM Reason: Duplicate comment

Recommending comment for featuring & tagging:

The Annihilation (part one)

Pretty interesting. The action certainly provided a bit of a thrill, but I couldn't help but be confused about certain things. Like why isn't everybody acting more surprised about the fact that there are suddenly killer robots among us? How is it that Aliyah is so good at fighting those robots? 

Some more information on certain things would've been appreciated, even if it's just the start of a bigger adventure. 

The pictures were rather jarring at times too. I know that some of the scenes were supposed to be serious and dramatic, but the art would sometimes lessen the tone of certain scenes. It didn't detract too much from my enjoyment of everything though. 

Overall, this game was pretty decent. The writing wasn't bad and the action scenes were pretty fun, the drawings weren't really my taste, but it's certainly a positive that they were there to accompany the writing.

-- TharaApples on 10/22/2016 5:52:05 PM

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1. Remove part of series tag? I'm not sure on this because it was obviously intended to be a series, but there's only one game and I don't think it's being continued soon, if at all unfortunately. 

2. Science Fiction tag

3. Drama tag (The drawings makes me think this tag is a better fit than serious.)

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Hungry 

4. This wasn't a bad storygame. The artwork was interesting. The story was random but sort of funny and entertaining. You did a pretty good job with branching paths, but there were some issues. It was short but it told a story. 

There was a loop where you could go to the church, walk away, and go back to the church again. It didn't feel like that was intentional. The links that you weren't "allowed" to choose unless you chose a certain path could have been solved with variables. I agree with others in the comments that the page numbers and letters for choices were distracting and felt unnecessary.

-- 31TeV on 10/13/2014 3:06:21 PM

5. Humor tag

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Recommending comment for deletion & tagging:

Forum Wars 

6. I liked this concept very much and it would be fun to see all the long-time users on the forum given their own stats :) Good use of the advanced editor and kudos on the concept

-- Will11 on 3/11/2015 7:15:45 AM with a score of 1

Reasoning: Duplicate comment

7. RPG tag

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Haruhi Suzumiya: Endless Eight 

8. Remove Part of Series tag. Ah, but since it's that story's only tag it needs something. Sadly, I'm unable to think of anything, so I'll be leaving said tagging in the very capable hands of:

@Seto

@Naomi14

Maybe you two will have a better chance at this, oh and make a feature worthy comment or two for me to recommend!  That way, we'll all be rewarded :)

I would say...Drama and Fantasy. :)

And I'll try! I tend to only leave long, detailed comments on storygames that annoy me, and when I'm asked to by a friend.

I would leave one myself, but my comment seems to still to be the most recent one :P

I figured you'd be familiar with the series and maybe a big fan of it. I certainly was when I was younger. 

I think I was like...9? Nine-ish at the time when I watched the anime. I think. I could be wrong. I have spotty memories about certain things. 

And then I read the manga x3

Interesting. I read the light novels and I found the whole Endless Eight thing to be rather hilarious at the time. It was fun seeing people kind of freak out.

Yeah xD

This could be discussed in a PM instead of in this thread...

It's a discussion about one of the reccomedations, so it's technically still on topic. We're talking in pms now though.

Comment for featuring:

<a href="http://chooseyourstory.com/story/adventure-pokemon-(unique-teams)-(part-one)">This game</a>

 

Well, umm ... :3 points for making an effort to write something, I know that can be scary when you're new, but really, the best thing to do when you're new is to read and learn about other stories on here before writing your own. 

It's cool that you dove right in and got yourself acquainted with our item system, granted. I wonder if there's a purpose to each of these items, I wasn't able to find that out on my first playthrough... you have a lot to improve on, as this game was kinda below average, but I do think you have plenty of potential to make something really good. ^-^ 

I'm going to give you some advice to help you get better and make a good impression on the community with future games, okay? 

My advice: 

-Don't spam your story with 8/8 ratings or comments about how good it is. People will notice and they will probably mock you for it, or feel the need to rate your game lower to balance out your self-praise. :\ 

-Take your time. You wrote this in, what, a day? A good story takes much more time, effort, proof-reading, polish. ^^' Not only was it short, and the pages were rather bare, but even with little text, there are a whole bunch of mistakes in the story. 

Even on just the first page alone, you spelled "where" as "we're" and "your" as "you're" and you needed a comma where the first period on the page is, and you switched from writing his words in quotes to ... ... actually, that doesn't even qualify as script format. 

:\ I'm not totally sure what you were trying to do when he asked you to pick your pokemon elemental type, but that's simply not how you're supposed to write dialogue, nor how you were writing it at first. It's kind of jarring. ^^; Please be consistent with your formatting. 

-Study up on your grammar and try to avoid bad habits, like excessive exclamation marks or excessive question marks. I understand that people do that in chat for emphasis, but you are telling a story, not texting. :\ It looks pretty unprofessional and it's kind of annoying. :x 

-If you're going to make a game with a battle system, please, study other battle systems on here. You can have hit-points, items for special moves, random damage rolls, and a bunch of other things to make the game more interesting and closer to a real pokemon game. I think this story would've greatly benefited from that. As it is, the battles were... well, not fun. :\ Short, didn't really get to do much. If you had proper game mechanics, it'd look really cool. c: 

Please remember, this advice is to help you. :| Some people don't take criticism well or don't listen at all, because they think the people giving it are "haters," and as a result, they get angry or even give up! That's awful because it's just not true. I merely want to help you succeed. 

So, in summary, I'd say this is a 3/8. Not awful, but definitely needs work. Good luck on your future games, I hope to see more from you. ^-^ 

-- Seto on 10/22/2016 10:37:12 PM with a score of 0

I'm not sure what happened to the link....can anyone tell me what happened?

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/adventure-pokemon-(unique-teams)-(part-one)

Recently published games aren't eligible for suggestions. I'm not even sure it has a proper rating yet either. Umm, I'm sure this falls in the same reasoning as to why WIBN's comment was denied. Just give it some time, Naomi :)

Oh, I completely forgot about that lol, I didn't check that it was new...Woops. Sorry End.

Mhm, besides... There's something else that you can be doing, look at my last recommendations post. It's a totally optional mission, but the reward is umm... something. 

Recommending comments for featuring & story game tagging:

Hunted down 

Well, this was pretty short, but I survived in the end, so there's that. This game had good writing for a short story, I must say. It reminded me of a classic thriller in which a mysterious stranger is after you with nothing but ill intentions, but his reasoning for doing so could've been a bit more fleshed out. 

I liked it, but there just wasn't much to it in terms of story, and certain things could've done with some more explanations and exposition. 

Still, this isn't a bad addition to the horror section on this site.

-- TharaApples on 10/23/2016 11:01:25 AM

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1. The first fault of this story is the plotholes. And unfortunantly, plotholes in stories are a huge trouble. 

First of all, you don't reveal much about the plot. So supposedly your parents were FBI agents, and they locked up a man. As far as I know, this doesn't justify the need to lock a child up for their own safety. In simpler terms, the plot was somewhat of a letdown. I was expecting some more context to it. 

The writing was okay, I think. I noticed "a lot" spelled like "alot", but that's not totally bad. Its the way you wrote it. You have great writing ability, allow me to tell you. However, you need to work on introducing the plot. The way you wrote this, it seemed vague and mysterious in the beginning, which is great. It is a technique used by authors to draw in the reader. However, you introduce everything in the final moments, the conclusion. This is completely terrible. What's the point of an exposition? No, you have to introduce everything in the beginning. Not the entire picture, mind you, as you could have dropped clues for the reader to follow like bread crumbs. 

As the plotline was, the conclusion was a letdown. I die. Yay. In these types of games, where you're being hunted down, it would be somewhat more refreshing to let the character live, instead of killing them off not even five pages in. 

As a stand-alone story, this might work. But as interactive fiction goes, it needs polish. By the writing and length, it seems like you wanted to write and created the plotline as you went along, spending little time on the actual story. 

That is bad. Because it produces something like this, and despite this was somewhat well-written, it was, to be honest, a let down. 

Please, if you are going to write something, try to brush up the plot, and actually make something, instead of a short story that you have created here. In fact, now that I think of it, short stories are better as far as context goes, this might be considered a scene. 

I want to give this a 5/8, because it is obvious the author can write well. But I just can't, because the story was really nothing. 

4/8.

-- FazzTheMan on 11/18/2014 7:38:52 PM

2. Horror tag

3. Serious tag

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Fruits of Survival (Home Economics Game)

This was quite a well-written edutainment game. It provides some interesting facts and information, while also being an enjoyable read as well. It does all of that without overwhelming any reader with said information, and it makes it quite fun in the process, to learn about the nutritional facts and benefits of certain foods. 

Bravo, MsAMH :)

-- TharaApples on 10/23/2016 11:46:46 AM

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4. Lol! This game was hilarious! Now I know that when Armageddon comes, I'll be able to keep my friends and family alive with my extensive knowledge of fruit and vegetable nutrition! Jokes aside, the game wasn't bad and it achieved what it was trying to achieve.

-- Briar_Rose on 2/4/2013 12:52:56 PM

5. Quiz tag

6. War tag

7. Historical tag

8. Geared towards children tag

A Confused Criminal Comment for featuring:

The story had great visuals, and that's about it. The plot had no sense of urgency. It was just one moment you're being chased by police, and in the next you're deciding to do other random and pointless things. It's disappointing too, because the character that you come across could've really been developed further if you took the time to write more. This story felt underdeveloped and while better than other stories on the site, it really needs improvement.

-- AppDude27

 

A Mutt's Purpose? Comments for deletion

It was okay, it just needs to be longer and have a lot more events and choices. 
Also, if the den was the only one for miles around, why wouldn't another pack challenge you for it? Also shouldn't there have been a pack living in the nice, safe cave already, especially since it's easy to spot? Just a couple thoughts.

-- corgi213 on 8/29/2015 8:11:44 AM

I like being a wild dog in this story, even though it should be a lot longer. It needs a lot more choices and events. Also, if the den was the only one for miles around, why wouldn't other dogs challenge you for it, or why wouldn't a pack already be living there? Just some thoughts.

-- corgi213 on 8/29/2015 8:08:54 AM

I know they aren't exactly the same, but I think they are pretty much the same essence but with different wording.

Looks like the mutt got put down.

EDIT: Someone gave me the proper link. Deleted one of them.

Recommending comment for featuring:

Monster Trivia 

1. An excellent quiz and one of the better ones I've read on the site :) 

I liked the various different and interesting questions, though in a few cases it seemed there might be more than one answer to a question (such as "which creature can transform you into one of it's own kind with a single bite or scratch" I would have said Werewolf and Vampire though I may be wrong about the vampire). 

Overall this was interesting, grammar perfect and showed excellent scripting and variable skills. You obviously put a lot of time and effort into turning out this great quiz :D

-- Will11 on 3/24/2016 10:04:33 PM with a score of 213

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Recommending storygame for tagging:

HIGHWAYS to HELL

2. Previously Featured tag

*******************************

Recommending comments for deletion:

A Totally Normal School 

3. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???

-- DrkPhoenix on 8/21/2016 1:47:40 AM with a score of 0

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Who STILL wants to be a Supervillian?

4. >:D

-- Niuke on 10/3/2015 6:47:15 AM with a score of 13453

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Homo Perfectus 7 

5. HATE THIS SOOOOO DISGUSTING EWWWWWW NEVER PLAYING AGAIN

-- Bacon on 3/25/2016 10:25:46 AM with a score of 0

Recommend comment for featuring 

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/stockholm-syndrome

You have a few problems with your story, to be honest. The writing and grammer are fairly well done, especially for your first game, and shows potential. There's a few things you could change, like showing rather than telling, such as "inconspicuous car" would better be "plain grey sedan", or something of the sort. Other than that, the writing itself was pretty good.

Another, larger issue is the plot itself. It falls apart quite easily. The story seems to try force me along a path and punishing me for choosing other options, even though this is a game designed for choices. For instance, kicking out a creepy looking guy seems to ruin me, when really it would draw no attention, or very little at least, in real life.

As Bucky said, the kidnapping itself was quite ridiculous. Whilst chloroform doesn't work that way, it's something I'm more than willing to disregard for the story, but the thought that the man could not only successfully knock me out, which would be unlikely as there'd be high security presence around me, but manages to sling me over his shoulder, circumvent the guards and a crowd, all of whose eyes are on me, before escaping to a car outside and speeding away, leaving no evidence for the FBI to track just stretches the suspension of belief to such ridiculous extremes that at this point the story has already severely disappointed me. There's many things like this, including getting lost by going into the woods, which since I'm fleeing from a house in the suburbs is nonsense.

I'm not exactly sure of what the theme or message of this was supposed to be. Seeing as the best ending is only received by "1. Not escaping the kidnapper", which is just a ridiculous expectation for the protagonist to do. Even if the kidnapper acts kindly, to wake him up rather than escaping is ridiculous. Not only that, I need to forgive the dude for kidnapping me, perform a private concert for his sister and go to her funeral. I mean, what? is that supposed to be the moral choice? The dude's a kidnapper. I don't care he's doing it for his sister. Write to Make a Wish or something, don't kidnap someone against their will, watching them cry as they beg to be released whilst refusing to reveal anything. He's not a sympathetic character in anyway. He's an asshole.

Still, the fact that you put a lot of work into this shows that you have potential. I really hope you continue working, and keep writing, as you most definitely would improve in the future. Best of luck with writing.

-- Steve24833 on 10/3/2016 8:53:54 PM

 

I know it's a bit odd recommending a comment that is critical to my own story, but it's very detailed in explaining what went wrong and points out the few things that went right, which will help make my future stories better

 

I don't see how it's odd at all :P
As you said, it explained what you did wrong and tells you what you did right. 

That's how a good comment is supposed to be like; not one that praises your work, but one that praises your work- and tells you how to improve.

(I have returned!~)

 

Recommended comments for featuring:

1) Shadow Hawk

It was okay, but the pacing seemed off (Getting apprehended by the police, the discussion with the psychiatrist, getting thrown in jail, getting out of jail, those scenes seem too fast-paced) the characters were not given enough development time (who is Slade and how did he meet up with Shadow Hawk? What are his past experiences with him, and how did he end up in jail? And now we're just going to move on with the story without even getting to know the character?). 

When creating a hero/superhero, you want to devote your time to explaining what his powers/abilities are. For example, You put talons and beak as fighting options, so does this suggest that he has a suit on? If he has a suit on, does this mean all of the superhuman capabilities he pulls off are of his own ability, or the suit's? Or is it only for show and gadgets, such as the grappling hook? For example, he was able to accurately jump on a man's back from a building and not break his legs or immediately fall off. Does this suggest that he's able to do this by himself, or only with his suit on? I can't really find this guy amazing until I know the full extent of his powers. 

Aside from that, you have some spelling errors. Also, the choices you make don't really matter at all, the story still goes in the same direction no matter what. This would be fine if it was a long storygame, but it's not. Storygames that are deserving of sequels usually are expansive, but this one is far too short to warrant one. Some parts could also do with more detail on what is happening, like the prison escape portion. 

However, the detail overall was alright, and it showed promise, so I'm looking forward to your storygame!

-- Bannerlord on 10/11/2016 10:00:09 PM

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2) Stockholme Syndrome

A lot has already been said. The writing itself isn't bad at all, and there's a decent amount of it for something you dashed off in less than a week, but suspension of disbelief goes out the window very early on with the kidnapping itself, and it's hard to get into the story after that. The character's initial (non)reaction to being kidnapped and their interactions with the kidnappers don't feel very realistic either. 

It really did feel like you were railroaded into one set of choices with the game going to sometimes silly lengths to punish you for anything else. (Ruining your career in various hard to believe ways, getting lost in a massive forest inexplicably right outside a neighborhood and taking /weeks/ to die, somehow always escaping in a way where you never even think to glance at the house or a street sign or anything, etc...) Doubly annoying when the 'anything else' was usually the most logical or realistic choice. 

I'd recommend reading up on how dialogue is supposed to be punctuated, since what you've got here is all over the place, but otherwise I didn't spot many technical issues. I think you've got a lot of potential and I'll be watching for your future stories so I'm not intending to discourage you from writing, it's just that the particular subject and the way events played out in this one made it difficult to get into.

-- mizal on 10/3/2016 11:09:04 PM

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3) It's Not Easy Being Me

Now, where do I begin? 

It's Not Easy Being Me is a fanfiction. Yes, a fanfiction. It's Not Easy Being Me also achieves in an area where no other fanfiction on this site has: cohesiveness. 

The story doesn't put you in the role of Superman. In fact, it doesn't put you in the role of any pre-existing character. Instead, you are Aiden Risely. The protagonist is a jaded asshole reminiscent of J. Jonah Jameson. Unlike Jonah, however, Aiden has no reason to be mad at Superman. He just is. 

The main focus of the story is Aiden taking a walk downtown. An unseen attacker is fighting Superman and chaos is everywhere. At that point it's up to the player to decide Aiden's actions. The game branches off into a variety of endings at this phase, but the 'true' path is achieved by trying to help people caught in the battle. 

While some endings are fairly disappointing, such as the Metahuman ending, I found the True ending the most satisfying. It's incredibly lengthy, but can inspire strong emotions in the reader that makes you feel like you're really in the moment. 

Overall, this is the best fanfiction I've ever read. Still, a fanfiction is a fanfiction, it could've been less rushed, and there could've been more variety to the endings. 6/8. 

Oh and Batman's in it.

-- SergeantOpera on 9/28/2016 6:03:07 PM with a score of 0

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4) Attack on the Castle

The story was short, and I didn't get the point at all. There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes, but not too many. The story was confusing and felt rushed, as if you gave up and put in a random ending. Never give up on a story, and if you do, don't make a bad ending and put it out. If your unsure whether you want to do the story, sleep on it. If you still feel like you want to make the story, do it. If not, don't do and find another topic to do.

-- Apollo118 on 9/10/2016 5:12:03 PM

 

5) Some things that don't make sense. 

First, when me, as the princess, was having a meeting, why did I get the warning late? Seriously, when the villagers started rioting, the soldiers should have been alerted and the king would be quickly informed. Why did I get warned once fire 

Well... unless the villagers had a some sort of plan, this doesn't make sense. 

Y'know... "Fire! Men from the village are destroying everything!" 

Such fires and anarchy should have been heard or seen from a far distance, so everyone in the castle should have got notified sooner. 

And suddenly... villagers are inside the castle... 

Maybe you should add details why all the sudden surprises happened. 

Is it because the villagers managed to sneak inside and make a surprise attack? Or what? There must be a clever plan behind all of it. 

If not, then all of it wouldn't make sense. 

----- 

Regarding the reason why the villagers rioted, one of them is due to the princess marrying a prince from Venturias -- a conqueror kingdom. 

Umm... logically, it's a good thing. Because your kingdom will be allied to Venturias, which is a powerful ally. Then why are they getting angry? 

Make up more reasons, please. Maybe because Venturias has a lot of enemies, so the kingdom will engage in bloody battles that it can't endure due to lack of manpower or something, so a lot of people will be conscripted for it. 

----- 

Writing-wise, the others have pointed them out. So I point out the other factors. 

Hey, not bad for a first try. I'd say keep improving! ;)

-- Raven47 on 9/8/2016 6:14:48 AM

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6) Hollow Hearth

Kind of a mixed bag, but there's some genuinely good imagery and a hell of a lot more potential than I usually see from brand new authors here. 

People dislike seeing incomplete stories posted, especially since you just joined a couple of days ago and that implies you rushed this out, but honestly I'd say it's an impressive effort. If the last page were tweaked a bit to make the ending not quite so abrupt, and you cleaned up your grammar and a few other issues, this would be a perfectly respectable entry. As it was I enjoyed it a lot more than I expected too, based on the other comments. 

Along with adjusting the ending, the very beginning could stand to have a page added. You mention in the description that the idea is to find out how you arrived at the manor and etc, but the description can't be used to fill in gaps in the story itself. The reader is just kind of thrown into things with zero explanation, and no further info is given on the character themself. 

Now, as far as grammar goes: 

\Curious as to how you arrived here, a mirror reflects the silver light in the far corner of the room.\ -- The way you've worded it makes it the mirror that's feeling curious, and it's an awkward sentence either way. You need two seperate ones here. 'Curious as to how you arrived here, you carefully examine your surroundings. A mirror...etc.' Or something like that. 

As far as clumsy sentences goes, that line jumped out at me, but otherwise the writing was pretty good. As I said, lots of nice imagery used throughout this, and it really helped create atmosphere. 


\A large dresser rests across from you, its warped and sagging.\ 

\Lean and agile, your body resembles that of a dancers.\ 

\This might be your only chance to snoop through an old ladies things!\ 

\Its not locked and you're home free\ 

\Its as if the place had been searched\ 

\The books resting place is straight from a classic fantasy tale.\ 

\Upon touching the book you draw your hand back suddenly, its warm\ 

\The spiders legs sprout towards the fore edge of the b ook and grasp around to the other side\ 


The first sentence of the story had me almost crying in happiness because it looked like I'd found a new author who understood the difference between its and it's! But alas, that was only a fluke. I'd recommend more proofreading and a brushup on how possessives work. There and their might be an issue as well. (\The second hand repeatedly strikes against the three and the other hands are stuck their as well.\) 

https://www.grammarly.com/handbook/ is an excellent resource, and of course you can always ask in the Writing Workshop here for proofreaders. 

Oh and just fyi, it's a ruby brooch, not a broach. And you've got 'selves' a couple times in the study instead of shelves. 

/You think that whatever you saw is waiting just at the base of the steps ready to strike./ -- Wait, what? I never saw anything at the base of the steps! Apparently the story is assuming I orginally chose 'Left to the Stairs' instead of 'Right to the Clock'. If you're going to give the player the option to skip pages or come at them through different routes you need to track what information they have and haven't seen. A simple variable would handle this for you. It'd make giving players an option to be male of female a lot easier to work with as well. 

3/4 for now, but I'd probably raise it a star if the punctuation and all that were cleaned up. 

You've got a great imagination, and now that you're over your newbie phase I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the future! Please do make use of the Writing Workshop forum and articles available, and don't be afraid to ask questions. 

-- mizal on 8/21/2016 9:51:02 PM with a score of 0

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7) Zombie Crisis

Decent enough story, I like the rather blasé way the reader's character casually accepts the destruction of civilization and the likely deaths of all his friends and family. The tried and trusted formula is there, a touch more character depth in your next work would help it stand out a little more, enjoyable enough stuff though.

-- Will11 on 11/5/2014 4:51:58 AM

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8) Where the HELL am I Pt. 4

Interesting, and a surprising shift from the previous games in this series. It's still very linear, but there is characterization now, and a set-up that promises a change from the previous routine of 'pass this test or die'. There was a fun little memory challenge (that you can cheat your way through, but it's more satisfying to actually go through with it), and a few hints at character backstory and some world-building that was honestly a rather nice surprise.

-- the_quiller on 2/26/2016 3:15:52 AM

 

9) To be honest I experienced a feeling of resignation as I clicked on a misspelt over capitalised title but the story game was surprisingly good and the writing was fine. A nice original concept though lacking explanations in places (possibly because I haven't read the other three Chapters?). I didn't find the story particularly gripping however as apparently common-sense and a good memory (or the go back button) seems a rather easy way of dealing with demons. I didn't really feel as much tension from Paul and Dean the Demons as I might from Lucifer, Prince of Darkness and all his biblical powers but maybe I'm being picky, mostly it was a good story game and enjoyable enough that I might seek out the other three chapters. :)

-- Will11 on 1/5/2015 1:33:31 AM

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10) Pt 2

Better than the prequel, especially since this one has a few short alternate paths...that end in death, but not immediately, so there was still some playing room. Some of the ideas were pretty interesting, on top of being sadistic and rather twisted. Fitting for a story set in hell, not so great if you insist on thinking like a morally decent, reasonable person.

-- the_quiller on 2/26/2016 3:10:26 AM

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11) Pt 3

I thought this was an improvement from the previous installment, in terms of both writing and content, although it is still extremely linear. It kind of works for the story though, since the inevitability of it all seems to reinforce the bleak mood of the story, but if you like seeing different possibilities play out, then this may not be the game for you.

-- the_quiller on 2/26/2016 3:04:10 AM

12) Nice read, and this one seems to have more choices than previous storygames in this series. It does still feel linear, although that's to be expected when this is a series. 

I agree with Katie and think that this series should just be one big storygame. Other than being able to release chapters bit by bit, I don't see any advantages to making this one a story. It feels like each storygame doesn't have enough closure for it to be a standalone game. 

Looking forward to chapter four.

-- 31TeV on 9/24/2014 9:50:49 AM

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13) Pt One

The afterlife as a series of tests is an interesting setting, and there was a nice overall tone of hopelessness and inevitability. Overall spelling and grammar was decent with only a few possibly intentional flubs with the punctuation here and there. 

However, the story is very linear, with most choices resulting in either progression or death. It also isn't finished, but since the story was linear, I guess I'll just go play the second game without any worries about continuity.

-- the_quiller on 2/26/2016 2:59:12 AM

Recommended comment for deletion:

14) Zombie Crisis

Good writing and grammar, though it is a bit too cliffhangy and short. Make #2

-- WizzyCat on 3/27/2015 7:21:40 PM

Reason: A double post

Recommending storygame for tagging:

Valhalla

1. Drama tag

2. Fantasy tag

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Recommending comment for featuring & tagging:

Atramentous

3. Amazing story with a very interesting and unique concept, plus excellently written to boot. 

Atramentous was a relatively short story, yet it was full of thought provoking and fascinating ideas. Short and bittersweet. This is one of those rare gems in CYS which is true to its horror category and is actually scary. 

As well as the masterfully written first person (which is another thing that stood out) prose, this game made good use of interactive fiction and provided very different outcomes. The endings that were similar had just enough differences and made sense regarding your choices. 

My one complaint is that this storygame could have done with some more proofreading, as I noticed a few spelling errors. 

Great stuff, and feature worthy, in my opinion. I don't know how this storygame is rated lower than 6. I look forward to more stories from you in the future. I'm about to go read Dispiteous right now. 

8/8

-- 31TeV on 9/9/2014 4:51:03 PM

4. Horror tag

5. Serious tag 

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Dispiteous 

6. Horror

7. Serious

8. Geared for Extremists

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Your Adventure in Wonderland

9. Remove Part of Series tag 

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Recommending storygame for category change: 

Kingdom Conquest

10. Move to Fantasy Adventure

11. Remove Part of Series tag

12. Add Fantasy Tag

Recommending comment for featuring.

Lonely Boy

Not too shabby, I have to say. It had quite a few missed punctuations, and it took me a couple of tries to make sense of it. But anyway, not bad. 
By the way the ending I got was: "Sexy beast ending"

-- Shadowulf on 12/2/2015 5:02:08 AM

Recommended Comments for Featuring:

1) A World War: 1941

I like the start of this story but the problem is it sounds a bit... anecdotal. Writing Historical Fiction is tricky because to be done well these shocking historical events have to form the backdrop for the reader's character to deal with his own social, personal, religious issues and for the other things to happen to him. History can be part of the plot but there must be other things motivating the main character (patriotism is ok but it's not the most exciting of all possible motives). 

To give an example take the film Titanic. The ship sinks and lots of people die but that's not the main story, the main story is Jack and Rose and Billy Zane trying to kill them, the Titanic is their world but the drama is first their love and then their trying to survive. Or take the Sharpe series, that's well historically researched but the main character Sharpe always has a particular plot in each book (usually hunt down an enemy or sometimes carry out a special mission that brings him into contact with dangerous foes, unexpected allies, beautiful women etc). To breathe life into your story think what your main character can be doing in his career (maybe he finds out he has a brother who has gone missing in action on such and such island?) 

It's a little rich of me to give this advice btw cause my historical stories are basically simulations of actual events but I guess they only really appeal to people already interested in that history while historical fiction appeals to anyone interested in thrillers, romances, mysteries etc... I really need to widen my writing range at some point. 

Anyway, this is a good start and it'll be interesting to see where you go with this.

-- Will11 on 9/20/2015 10:09:41 PM with a score of 0

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2) Where to go?

I'm a football fan, and seeing the opportunity to sign on for Chelsea or Arsenal FC really got me excited for this game. Wouldn't it be incredible if I actually got to play the storygame as a character on these teams, slowly working my way up from reserves to regulars, then maybe even playing through a tournament? I really wanted to see an awesomely executed real-life sports storygames, if only for the wish fulfillment of leading Arsenal to the championship. 

Except, the moment I signed onto a team, BAM, game over. This wasn't a storygame - this wasn't even a story. It's too short to be anything more than a demo to a game I would really love to play. There was really only one decision throughout the entire thing, and that was deciding which team to choose. For those who don't really follow the game, even the team names mean nothing, so the decision would appear completely arbitrary. 

Granted, you used pictures and items very well, but all in all, due to this story's length, I can't justify rating it any higher than a 2. 

I recommend taking it down, adding more to it, and then republishing when you've really got something worth playing.

-- the_quiller on 10/29/2014 11:56:01 PM with a score of 0

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3) Welcome to Hollywood

While a bit linear and sometimes not too engaging (Fate 1 and Fate 2?!), I must applaud you for your tasteful meaning! 

Coming into this story, I was expecting for there to be long, drawn-out speeches about how "WE MUST FIX INEQUALITY NOW!!!111ONE111!!! AT ANY COST NOW NOW NOW NO MATTER WHAT" 

However, you did far better than that. You actually presented realistic scenarios, with endings that showed that one can have a good ending, as long as they know how to play the cards -- no matter how hard they are discriminated against -- right. There were also several "okay" endings, with realistic consequences. 

While not a REALLY good storygame, it was definitely not as bad as I thought it was going to be when I went into it. I must admit, it did engage my thoughts on the matter, and will definitely serve well as a final project for that class... Even though it's not exactly a useful course, to

-- Doodled on 5/11/2012 12:17:20 AM

(cont. from previous) -be honest... 

However, all in all, while not an amazing storygame (especially the "game" aspect), it's much better than many of the other new ones here.

-- Doodled on 5/11/2012 12:21:02 AM

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4) Virtual Video Game

The fact you can buy cheat codes and use them is a good idea. Unfortunately, I rarely got a choice to use some of them, and when I did, didn't make much sense. Also, I'd like to hear more about how the kids at school are disappearing. That plot point sort of got dropped and suddenly I was just fighting the boss. Maybe I skipped too well with cheat codes. A decent effort.

-- madglee on 8/23/2006 5:28:48 PM with a score of 0

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5) To Save a Life

It's a cool little game. I got annoyed with the fact that it seemed like you couldn't gain more then a few thousand per game though. I ended up drugging a horse 102 times to see what would happen when it went into the negatives for how many yards they can run. I don't get how a horse can run -137 yards. >.< Anyway, I was impressed with how well you handled the AG option thingies since I can't really get how those things are done.

-- TacocaT on 7/14/2014 6:09:25 AM with a score of 3299

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6) The Zombies

The idea itself wasn't bad, even though some of the zombies you used were copied from Left 4 Dead, but I'll ignore that. There was a handful of spelling and grammar mistakes, and some of it was pretty unbelievable, but what the hell, this is just a story. 

The end felt rushed, like you were either bored with the story, or you got so excited about almost finishing that you slapped on an ending, and don't even bother checking over the story in the first place. I don't see this rising any higher than a four, and most likely will fall down to a three. 

3/8

-- Naomi14 on 10/22/2016 8:36:21 PM

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7) The Search For The Rumored Treasure

I was a little puzzled by this story and I will tell you why: this is excellent writing for ages about 8-12 but the way it's laid out is utterly bizarre, probably because you wrote it on your phone. This should be a prose short story divided into chapters and even then it seems a bit thick and thorough for pre-teen readers who like good, punchy and fast-paced stories. 

I'd suggest with a great deal of editing (is all of this text necessary to advance the story?) this could be an ideal young adult story, the writing itself is of high quality but it's a little bloated in places with unnecessary detail, a bit like a handsome but slightly overweight person if this was just slimmed out a bit it'd be great :) 

Overall kudos on writing such a great story, especially on your phone.

-- Will11 on 7/20/2015 6:24:52 PM

 

Recommending a Comment on Deleting:

8) Wargames

Intellegance? good writing? Coherency? 

WHO NEEDS IT? 

YOU DO!!! 
this game is ridiculous on how dumb it is. thank you.

-- Who really cares? on 8/13/2013 1:29:54 AM

Normally, I wouldn't ask for something like this to be deleted, but note how "Intelligence" is spelled wrong, and the inconsistency in capitalizing the first word in every sentence. Someone else needs good writing and intelligence it seems... :)
Anyways, it just seems like a stupid comment that doesn't contribute anything. I mean,"this game is ridiculous on how dumb it is"? 

9) Vacation Disaster

It was okay......

-- Mkittycat101 on 11/9/2014 12:59:08 PM

It's a duplicate comment.

 

Recommending a storygame for deletion:

10) A Dog's Life

Reason: Sounds kind of like plagiarism?. Ever read A Dog's Purpose by W. Bruce Cameron? It's very, very similar to that...

Is there anything specific you think makes it plagiarism? It's listed as a fanfic to begin with, so maybe it is based on that story, but animal perspective stuff, especially dogs and cats, is extremely common in fiction. And this one is one of the better examples I've seen here, so short of it directly ripping off text, deletion seems a bit extreme.

It's almost exactly the same.

As in "I have reworded things and gave the characters new names, but the plot is exactly the same" sort of thing.

But I guess its something that goes with animal perspective stories. After all, all WC stories had basically the same plot, right?
Except, you know...with different names for the warrior things.
 

I guess it can stay up for now.

Don't mess with Ireland when Steve is around.
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This story misrepresents quite a lot of the period, which is something I had to learn extensively as an Irish History Student. I'm unsure as to whom I'm even playing as, other than a completely fictitious group of Nationalists and Loyalists, which is itself in an insult to the whole situation as its like saying a mixed-race group dictating the police response to MLK's Selma March. The entire issue was a lack of Catholic and Nationalist representation, they'd have had no power whatsoever.

The issues of Northern Ireland were and still remain serious. The game takes really simplistic approaches to everything, like an option to "Evacuate citizens to the Republic", which just wouldn't happen, as the Catholics couldn't possibly do so. The entire game seems like a huge misunderstanding of the situation.

Still, the grammar's good, the mechanics are well done, and other than the actual facts, its a well done story.

-- Steve24833 on 10/13/2016 6:40:39 PM

Recommended comment for deleting:

A Dog's Life

Wow it was such an emotional sweet story, almost had me crying at the end, great idea to write this

-- rowena on 9/26/2013 8:07:17 PM

It was a double-post.

 

Recommending comments for featuring

Goodbye.

This was very good, however the thing that makes goodbye my childhood self so heart wrenching is the obvious depth of bond between the characters and the detail of their time together. Also love how many route that story can go. This is a cute story, but it's missing some of that detail and connection. I was also kinda curious about the festival and what exactly this little girl had. I found it kinda funny when the mom said "she isn't feeling well". You don't go for the hospital and die because you aren't feeling "well"! It makes the situation seem less urgent when it is said that way. Anyway, keep up the good work and never stop writing. I hope I helped:)

-- bburger on 7/10/2015 9:52:24 PM

Without You (1)

Well your writing is great and I really enjoyed this story. There are only a couple of things that irked me a bit. 
1. The way the the teenagers talk is the same as your writing style, and I've never known a teenager to talk like that. They sound like really upper class, sophisticated, middle aged adults and it just doesn't feel like they're teenagers. 
2. The girl just seems a little too tragic for me. I feel sorry for the character because her boyfriend died, but making both her parents dead aswell doesn't make me feel more sorry for her, it just makes the character seem less realistic. 
That said, I think it was a really well written story and I'm looking forward to part 2. ^_^

-- Briar_Rose on 1/18/2013 12:28:36 PM

Recommending storygame for tagging:

Murder! 

1. Animal Perspective 

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Recommending comments for featuring:

Survivors 

2. Overall, the story was really good. A lot of the choices had me sitting back and really weighing down my options. Jim's morality places a huge role here, and it sucks having to think about the well being of others when you are dealing with starvation, a lack of supplies, and a sense of danger yourself. I've played through about 4-5 endings, and while each of them didn't really have a "happy ending", I was pretty satisfied with all of them.

-- AppDude27 on 9/10/2015 2:50:33 PM with a score of 0

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3. Huh, interesting. Your writing was pretty descriptive, though a little jolting at times -- you should consider using some more conjunctions in your writing -- and there were several grammar mistakes, but they didn't really detach from the experience. All in all this was a unique, quite replayable story and a nice addition to the contest. Also, what you did with the background and format certainly helped.

-- FazzTheMan on 8/18/2015 8:23:33 AM with a score of 0

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Mother's Day Mania

This was quite interesting, and it became even more so towards the end. I enjoyed the Mother's Day theme, but then it became about adventuring and modern day pirates? It was quite a sudden change of events, but it wasn't terrible. 

There was some linearity in the beginning of the game, as far as the choices went and such. This game was still quite fun to kill time with in all honestly, I only wished it was more about making the wife happy :p 

Not that pirates aren't cool. Anyway, I enjoyed this game regardless of my minor issues with the plot :)

-- TharaApples on 10/26/2016 11:20:26 AM

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4. This was an unusual little story but it's nice to see a themed one :) I'm not certain a married couple would celebrate Mother's Day if they didn't have any children and I'm a bit mystified where the pirates came from but I'll let these things slide as you put time and effort into the story and obviously had fun writing it, I'm sure it'd make a good little Mother's Day present of your own :D 

One thing I would point out is that you gave the illusion of choices while really it was a case of finding the right choice or going back or even of going all the way back to the beginning. It's ok to write a broadly linear story (my Magellan stories all have one successful ending for example) but I'd recommend branching out more to give the reader different paths, you did that a fair bit at the beginning but less so towards the end which suggests you wrote this all in one sitting and got more tired the more you wrote. It's perfectly ok to have a rest and come back to your story later so the quality remains consistent throughout! 

But anyway this story was a nice idea, a fun way to spend 10 minutes reading it and you put a reasonable amount of effort in so good work :)

-- Will11 on 5/8/2016 1:41:36 AM

5. Maturity change to 3

Reasoning: Can be shot at and killed by pirates. 

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Adventures of a Cute Cat: A Poem

6. You lied to me Negative! At the beginning of the poem, you stated that the cat barked instead of meowing, but later on in the poem, there's a verse that mentions the cat meowing! This game forged of trickery and deceit I tell you!!! 

... With that out of the way, it was cute. I thought it was fun that the game was written in the form of a poem, though some of the rhymes did seem a little forced to me, (like the bit where she didn't want change in her life because it would be like walking on a knife. There are other words that rhyme with life you know?) :p

-- Briar_Rose on 2/20/2016 11:57:52 AM with a score of 0

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7. The idea is certainly novel and ambitious, even if the execution leaves something more to be desired. There aren't really any rules to poetry, but for something like this, some tweaking to make the verses sound more natural rather than shoehorned in would have helped. 

Also, it was still too short to really be a storygame, even if it is understandable that the format makes it more forgiveable.

-- the_quiller on 2/29/2016 11:44:19 AM with a score of 0

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Day is falling

8. I'll first say that this is, in all respects, not a bad game. However, there are some things that should be pointed out for future reference. 

First, Christopher isn't important enough of a character. I don't remember picking up any substantial place in the story that says that he is the brother of Abby, Allie, and Rebecca. He is a near-stranger, and his decisions don't make a lot of sense. I still don't know why he would make the decision he did, or what the check has to do with the story. The POV changes too quickly, so I was thrown off when it suddenly cut to Allie's perspective without warning. 

Allie's decisions don't make a lot of impact in the story either, and I suppose that it is reflected in the way that the endings all sound the same. This game doesn't exactly constitute as a story, because a story needs a conflict, climax, and a resolution. Unless it goes further, it's just a vignette. 

Your writing style is superb, though. I really liked the way the story was written, and would enjoy reading more of your works. The story was interesting, albeit a bit short. There are a few grammatical errors here and there, but it doesn't become a big issue when playing through. Overall, I would definitely read more of this kind of story. 5/8

-- Allusional on 4/6/2014 11:52:23 AM

Recommending a comment for featuring:

1) Infinite Sadness

Although the initial plot was good, I can't say I really liked this story.

The writing was great, actually. Pretty well written, with little/no grammatical errors. However, like someone said below me, I also felt as though the character creation wasn't as good as it should be. This kind of caused an inability to feel any pain for the characters/protoganist. Other than that, the writing was good.

The story itself is another thing. If you picked all the choices leading to the "good" path, the plot is the same as if you picked any of the other choices: Jimmy dies, you become heavily depressed, and in time, you and Sam/Sarah split. Or maybe you never get together at all. But I disliked the "good" ending specially. If the protaganist was approached by a woman, regardless that he knows or not, WHY would Sarah get so mad at him and break up with him?

That didn't make sense at all. So, what, the protaganist can't talk or socialize to any girls outside of Sarah at all, or she'll get so jealous she'll break up? What the heck? >.>

*instert Overally Attached Girlfriend meme here*

Sometimes it seemed like the choices you pick didn't affect the storygameplay at all. As an example, at the party, anything you do will ultimately bring up the fact that Jimmy died. And, like I said above, you get heavily depressed and you and Sam/Sarah don't work out.

I guess I can see why this is called "Infinite Sadness". It seems more sort of like a sob story than a romance/dating game, primarily because there is no good ending as far as I can see. I played this for 30-35 minutes.

However, this story holds a lot of potential and, if the author were to edit/revise/add onto th initial plot, I'm sure it would be a lot better.

5/8.

-- Fazz on 8/5/2014 4:32:52 AM

Recommended comments for featuring:

One Single Outcome?:

The concept is an interesting one, so I do hope you'll turn it into a full length story some day. I'm not sure if I've read anything similar. That said, this was littered with punctuation errors from the first sentence on, and there were some grammatical issues and problems with capitalization too. Even in the sentence at the end where you tell us you proofread it: Also i did check the spelling and grammar but i apologize for any errors i missed and also any constructive criticism on my writing style would be appreciated! 

Well I'm sorry but I had to smile a little. :P 

The other thing that's going to hurt your rating of course, is this being a demo. Others have mentioned the forums as being the better place to get constructive criticism and feedback, and so I'll only link this recent article: http://chooseyourstory.com/help/articles/article.aspx?ArticleId=4046 

Complete works will always do far better than demos and samples. Keep in mind too that many of the readers here are just looking to read something good, it's not their responsibility to sit down and write a detailed critique and they'll likely just complain about a short or broken story. Feedback from other writers again, can be sought in the Writer's Workshop section of the forum. You went there to advertise this, but ideally you would have gone there for advice before publishing in the first place.

-- mizal on 1/18/2016 7:03:55 PM

Making Bacon Pancakes:

Not bad for a story of the Random-stuff-happens genre and interestingly it seemed to take itself a bit more seriously than most of these :) Your writing style is good but I'd suggest a stronger plot or hook to draw the reader in if you want to move your stories up out of the 5-minutes-of-mildly-amusing-distraction category :D This fell in the not bad but not great area 4/8 area for me :) 
In these stories humor is key so if you feel tempted to write another story like this again one thing you might want to do is brainstorm or gather from various sources (which when I do it for my stories I like to think of as research not plagarism...) a long list of jokes, one-liners or funny choices and get as many into the story as possible. :)

-- Will11 on 4/16/2016 6:15:59 PM

The Psycho’s Quest:

This storygame is ok but it just lacks detail and oomph for it to be really entertaining. Who are you, who and why did you kill someone, and why is such a supposedly timid and gentle character suddenly killing everybody without hesitation or remorse? 

Also, quite a few spelling errors.

-- 31TeV on 9/24/2014 7:55:40 AM

Tick Tock Goes the Clock:

To begin, you kinda stole your plot from Doctor Who. Hell, you even reference the correct episode in the storygame as well. 

And, what a coincidence that you happened to (SPOILER ALERT START) shoot an automaton, and then the very same one came back and killed you (SPOILER ALERT END) Not very imaginative. 

I think you may have some skill in writing, but you must refine it first, and a good way to do that is to not steal plots from other franchises. Do something ORIGINAL. It can be hard, but I'd much prefer to see an underdeveloped original story, than a rewrite of another pre-existing story (*cough* Warrior Cats *cough* *cough*). 

3/8. Hopefully, you take this as constructive criticism (I'm hard on people, I know), because you have potential. But this doesn't cut it.

-- PortalSpartan on 6/14/2015 3:59:17 AM with a score of 1

Missing in Action:

Remove War tag

Herobrine:

Move to Fanfiction.

The source material is Minecraft.

Hey Mom:

Remove Humor and Zombie tag.

Recommending comments for featuring and storygame tags:

Save Your Dragon

Amazing, this was quite an adventure! I really found the bond between Redscale and the protagonist to be one of the major highlights to this story, not that there weren't many highlights that I enjoyed. It's just that their bond was written well and in a very endearing way. 

The combat in this game was pretty good as well, and the game felt long, but it never did feel like it was dragging on to it's destination. 

There were some issues with the grammar, and some dialogue choices were rather oddly placed. It wasn't too bad that it curbed my enjoyment of this by much :) 

All in all, this was very engaging.

-- TharaApples on 10/28/2016 12:30:13 PM

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1. Fantasy tag

2. War tag

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Forgotten Rose 

It seems we skipped some important details here xD This game was written well, but there wasn't much depth to the actual story to say the least. I would've liked to see the relationship actually progress before seeing words like marriage and such :l 

This story was decent for what it was, I suppose. Things just ended rather abrubtly, and more details about the love interest would've been much appreciated. The writing wasn't bad by any means, it just feels like quite a bit more could have been added to make this feel like more of a complete story.

-- TharaApples on 10/28/2016 12:56:48 PM

3. Romance tag

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Animal Jam Adventure

4. Animal Perspective tag 

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Infinite Sadness

5. Serious tag

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Attack on the Castle

6. Move to Fantasy Adventure

7. Drama tag

8. Fantasy tag

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Why I left you 

9. Your English was very good for a second language, and the writing itself was quite good, although the actual plot of the story seemed very... off. I mean, I ended up in an abusive relationship with some psycho, and I was told that if I left, she'd kill herself and that'd make me a bad person. I mean, that's pretty fucked up. You should definitely get the fuck out of a relationship like that ASAP. And even that path forced me to be a huge dick to Mary and all my family and friends. So... pretty fucked up in that regard. Still, I'd love to see more work from you, because the writing and grammer were quite good.

-- Steve24833 on 3/30/2016 4:35:09 PM

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Undead Persona

10. I found this very enjoyable, the writing was good and grammatically sound. I don't really read much vampire-based stuff so the story was relatively fresh for me, if not revolutionary. It is fun exploring the different paths but it seems more could be expanded a little more, I found the ending a bit speculative. Nevertheless I found it an enjoyable read and a good story game :D

-- Will11 on 3/1/2015 2:35:30 AM with a score of 0

Oh geez, the "Why I left you" story. Turning one's personal issues into a CYOA.

Briar and I had a minor discussion about that one since she was sort of in contact with the author at the time.

Ah, that story was certainly something :p

The relationship in the story seemed quite unhealthy, but I suppose love can be quite a crazy thing sometimes. It can also be scary, evident by that story.

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/my-rpg-fight-(i-will-use-this-to-see-if-you-like,-it-if-you-don't-just-simply-tell-me-what-i-need)--

They just put this up, and the description alone signaled it would be terrible. But the lack of any writing at all flat out angers me, please delete it. There's no end game link as far as I could see so I couldn't slap it down the regular way.

 

Nominating my own comment on A Dragon's Legend for featuring, before someone does the same and grabs a point. 

 

'I have no idea how this is rated a four.

This being CYS, obviously I've seen worse, but this whole thing struck me as very uneven and low effort. Lots of little punctuation errors sprinkled throughout, and there's the boring old 'you are the chosen ones!' plot, featuring such an oddly specific and lazily delivered prophecy.

The siblings and the ice dragon that the story forces you to take along after giving you a false choice (Arguably, this isn't a CYOA at all, it's entirely linear except for a couple of 'choices' at the end that amount to nothing and require you to do things in a specific order in order to progress, else the author tells you 'No, go back and pick the other one!')

The laziness of it all is most apparent right at the end when the 'boss fight' is skimmed over and the author starts making lolrandom comments all over the place instead.

Also, can anyone who likes dragons actually get into this story where the dragons are such unbelievable pussies they pack up and migrate en masse just because some humans moved into the neighborhood? What is even the point of being a dragon in that case?'

 

(Really I'd rather nominate the whole story for deletion because it really, really was not a CYOA, but it may be that sticking a couple of fake choices in was enough to save it...)

Recommended comments for featuring:

You!:

This story was veryyy random, which is probably the main fault of it. Some stories are very random as well, but random in a good way. This was the type of random that doesn't necasarrily makes sense. 

The story was liner and pretty short, and took at least a minute or so to beat. I didn't like the choices, which weren't plentyful. I feel as though, if you're trying to drive out a funny/random story, at least make it long, but this was short and in a couple of minutes you would have gone through the whole thing. 

The plot was a whole 'nuther thing. Very strange and very confusing, too random for my liking, and too random to sort of understand it. For example, I walk out of the room, and then this happens: 

"...and at that moment two jet-pack equipped bank robbers fly out of a pie, and take all of your money." 

...what? 

Also, at the "good" ending where it told you it would make sense of the plot, it didn't give me any knowledge besides the fact that the old man died. This didn't contribute to the understanding of the plot, as far as I am concerned. 

The last thing I wanted to talk about was the writing. Riddled with grammatical, puncuational, etc mistakes which are very bland in the open. this really should be proofread. 

It didn't make much sense, it was increasingly random, very liner with not so many choices to do, easily get all endings/choices in a couple of minutes, writing was bad... 

I give this a 4/8. 

-- Fazz on 8/5/2014 3:29:14 AM

Rebel Jedi:

Decent story game, although it would be great to have some sort of background instead of "Jedi steals speeder and fights his way into a temple" (I assume this is the ending we were supposed to get) 

It's short. Too short. You need to give the reader time to immerse himself into the story, you can't just end it the second readers start to get interested. 

Also, I don't get it, how is he a rebel Jedi? It seems as if he's just a plain, normal Jedi. 

What fight was he coming back from? (You said he lost his light saber, but offered no explanation as to the year, very little on location, and if the Jedi had just come back from a war, were was the war, why did it happen? Ect ect...) 
There are too many holes in the story to rate it any higher than a 4/8. 
Normally I'd be mor critical of this story but there is a lot of praise for the next two episodes in the series, so I'll wait until I finish those 2 before judging you too harshly 

-- Drakilian on 4/18/2013 8:43:54 PM

Can you survive this?

This didn't take much time to make, did it? 

I hate to be the one to rate this a one, but I did for multiple reasons. First of all, you say it yourself in the story summary, 'One wrong choice means your death'. While that's all fine and dandy, that only works in certain types of games, and even then, at certain parts. The reason this wasn't fun at all was because of it. It should be a game, but I was being forced to think like YOU think, not like myself. That made it harder, but even then, I beat this in maybe two minutes. Additionally, some of the deaths (like where you call 911 right at the start) were random and had nothing to do with the previous scenario and couldn't have been seen coming or avoided. 

There also was no solid story, with random things happening for no apparent reason. Where did the monsters come from? Why are they out to kill me? Who am I?! These could have been easily answered, and I hope that after reading this, you can think about your work and how you can apply everyone's advice to it.

-- awesomeness1242 on 11/16/2014 5:10:43 PM

5 Floors

It was a decent game. It was functional and some of the game dead ends were logical. I replayed the game a few times to see if there were other ways route to goes but was disappointed at how little freedom the game gives. Writing-wise, it was bare bones but not bad. One item and scene did feel out of place, though. Given the time to flesh things out, it could have been more engaging. I just wished the ending felt more like an definitive or satisfying ending instead of another dead end. As far as a puzzle game goes, it was decent.

-- TaraGil on 11/3/2014 1:20:12 AM with a score of 2

It wasn't bad, as the puzzles themselves were not bad. The only major and apparent issues are the ability to easily go back and fix one's actions to progress (though that's not your fault exactly), and your consistent use of terrible spelling and grammar (though not always bad, sometimes it was cringe worthy; for example, "most terriblist"). 

Otherwise, not bad.

-- LeoScales7 on 10/17/2014 9:03:38 PM with a score of 2

I got to the bottom... in a strange way. Anyways, I would've enjoyed it more, if you had added more description in this game, so I would've known to not go into that door, or something. I felt as if I would've clicked on wrong button, I would've died at anytime, because there was a lack of detail. 

Nice game by the way! It was enjoyable, and I expect to see more! 

Keep writing!

-- Boringfirelion on 10/18/2014 10:32:19 AM with a score of 2

The Devil’s Fire:

If I understand correctly, this storygame needed re-doing so the author unpublished it, but it was so good that it was re-published by the mods. Even without taking into account that it's incomplete, The Devil's Fire is a fantastic storygame, and on of the best on the website. 

The writing is really good, and only hampered a little by some typos. The third person narrative is refreshing on this website, and Ashen_Snake has made great use of this perspective. The explanation at the end only made me appreciate it even more. You wouldn't expect it, but not using first or second person has actually really helped to give insight into the mind of a very disturbed protagonist. It also allowed for a very interesting prologue as well as other moments that happened away from Bana-Jxo. 

I felt like the different coloured fonts were distracting at first, buy you soon grow used to it and there are some pretty clever uses for it later on. It's also nice when it's clear who's talking. 

The fights played pretty nicely and smoothly, providing the player with a challenge without being frustrating. They were pleasant to play through and were kept few and far between, allowing the story to take precedence over the game, which is a good thing. 

An engaging tale of the inner struggles and horrors that the main character went through. Bana-Jxo/Julian and Tokio were without a doubt my favourite. There are a host of rich characters, although I must admit some didn't jump out of the page as much. Mainly, these were the villains, who I felt were lacking in development. I don't know what else could have been done. Perhaps find a way for Julian to interact with them rather than jumping straight into a fight? 

Looking at the number of ratings and comments, this amazing game hasn't been played enough. Play, it people! You won't regret it. 

8/8

-- 31TeV on 10/16/2014 7:28:21 AM with a score of 0

They murk in the darknes…:

So I decided to read the whole thing and the story was understandable, though you really should put spaces between words as well as commas and other punctuation marks. The story wasn't bad but I think one thing that could be a draw back for people who only play it once is that the path where you choose to kill the guy goes on a lot longer than any of the paths where you choose not to kill him, which would make the game really short for a whole bunch of people, since loads of people would choose not to kill the bully.

-- Briar_Rose on 12/4/2012 4:52:15 AM

Halfway Decent:

Pretty good, I liked it, it was enjoyable and pretty well-written, especially for a first. My only criticism (although this may come with a bias since I'm not the biggest romance fan, even though I liked this,) is that I felt like I didn't see their personality as much, they felt like very static characters to me (this may be biased because I feel this way about most romance heroes and heroines.)

-- Name on 6/20/2014 8:26:57 AM

The Run Away:

Pretty nice writing and a lot of choices early on. After thoroughly exploring the house, I was thinking, "this story is pretty good," then went to step outside for my adventure. Instead, every link ended the story. Hrmph. This should be called, "Prelude to actually running away." Expand the story to include what happens when you do run away and it could be pretty good.

-- madglee on 9/20/2006 9:59:28 PM

Z Day:

Still rather incoherent. I have no idea who I am, or how I ended up in wherever the hell that compound was or why there's zombies or anything, really. It is much improved, but it needs some work. Your spelling and grammar isn't terrible but it's obvious that as you get excited, it slips a bit. Proofreading each page is what I'd advocate as a solution. Spend more time on Character Development because it was sorely lacking. I really didn't like the one page where it was either fake a heart attack or die. Terrible choice set there. Overall though, much better than before. Still wouldn't be half-decent if it wasn't your first game but pretty decent for a first attempt.

-- JJJ-thebanisher on 6/12/2010 1:52:57 PM

Recommended comments for deletion:

Zelda: Ocarina of Time Quiz:

Haha I spammed through it and It worked... Now I'm gonna try actually solving it. :3

-- CurseOfTime on 3/23/2016 8:06:29 PM with a score of 5

Reason: Duplicate

MISSING IN ACTION

It is a 3/8 maturity level, and has "fuck," "shit," and "dick,"

I would change it to about a 5/8

Do I get a point for that, Endmaster? 

Yeah, I just forgot since I was going through Bannerlord's huge wave of suggestions at the time.

I can imagine.

Recommended comments for featuring & two recommendations for tags.

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Final Destination: Cheating Death:

There were numerous grammatical errors. At least one every sentence, because you didn't space after a comma or period (which is vital!!) Also, there were quite a few spelling errors and you forgot to start a new paragraph in dialogue. Basic grammar, people! The story was decent, but there was still too much to read, and combo'd with bad grammar and a strange stroyline, it made me just skip through most of the game ot get to an End Game link.

-- Anubis on 12/2/2006 11:00:20 AM with a score of 0

The stroyline is very disjointed and the option which led the reader to win before the actual story even started confused me. I feel like the story was too fast-paced and the author should have fleshed out the story with more detail, but with a little more effort, the author could turn this story into a great Goosebumps-like adventure.

-- SkyTenshi on 8/12/2014 11:15:38 PM with a score of 0

A decent take on a crappy movie. The opening scene was nicely worded. The other comment about the he/she thing is true. Try using paragraphs for the dialogue so it's easier to read. The deaths could be more creative; most of them involve things falling on heads and getting tackled out of the way.

-- madglee on 11/26/2006 11:14:27 AM with a score of 0

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Insult Eminem:

I found this game quite enjoyable. Although some people might find it offensive just because it mentions the word "terrorist", I personally loved the humor (especially the clever Stan parody) that this story had to offer. It was amusing and enjoyable. 

However, this story was linear, having one single path to go to, which ended up in defeat anyway. I would suggest writing out multiple branches for the story, maybe you could diss Eminem back or something. 

Fun, but it wasn't really a "storygame". 4/8.

-- FazzTheMan on 1/2/2015 4:18:21 PM with a score of 50

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Fish filet:

A great game, the puzzles were interesting although quite random at times. There were quite a few times wear I had no idea what to do and no items seemed to work, it took me quite a while to realize that you need to use another item after using the cardboard box in chapter 3. 

It also would have been much more useful if the items that you no longer needed were discarded after when they were no longer needed (although I understand that you kept them in to make the decisions harder). 

Overall the aim of each chapter could have been clearer and the advanced editor could have been used more effectively to create a better and more interesting puzzle. On the better side the grammar and spelling was pretty good overall and your writing style was very good. With more writing practice this could be a great story!

-- squatter on 8/29/2014 5:06:33 AM with a score of 

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The Lemonade Buisness:

Although the initial premise was nice, I kind of felt like this story plot-jumped around way too many times. 

In the beginning, we learn the protaganist is a pretty poor person and can't afford things. Therefore, he/she decides to make a lemonade stand. However, the plot jumps around a lot and it doesn't seem very logical or realistic. For example, after just two days of lemonade business you are approached by the fun-fair organizer. So apparantly just in two days you gain enough popularity/your lemonade business rockets that a fair organizer approaches you? That doesn't seem really real, and also, I'm pretty sure that organizing a shack at a fair costs money. The writing clearly says, and I quote, "...you have, like, 20 bucks...". After the first day it tells you have 7, and if were to estimate for the second day, it would be in the 7 range as well, so I'm pretty sure you can't run a lemonade shack at a fair with just $35.00 on your hand. And then, after the fair episode, you are approached by a woman who tells you to make your own store? I'm not familiar with how much money shack-runners get at fairs, but I certainly don't think its enough to run your own store at a shopping plaza! If that were the case, shacks at your local carnival would be so much different. Plus, this is from one woman's opinion. Nobody else told him to make a lemonade store (whatever that is). And then, after the store, you are approached by mall people to extend your business, and then known globally? That's a huge jump right there. And then it gets even worse because at that time, it ends. 

I think the author was trying to drive out a RPG-ish story at best, considering the usage of items, and then a map, which were both used twice and once, respectively. The plot felt very linear, as you weren't really making a lot of desicions. Usually its "do you run the shack or nah" and we can clearly see here which one leads to glory, and which one doesn't. It felt like the author was trying to force you along the path instead of you making your own choices that would deeply affect and twist around the story however you liked it. As an example, sometimes it gives you the only choice of making lemonade, when it should have the map, go outside, etc. 

Going along with the author's RPG intentions, I would suggest doing that, making a Lemonade Stand sim. You have to shop for ingrediants, whilst watching the amount of supplies you have day after day. Depending on what the weather was (as an example) you could make your lemonade hot or cold, and you could accumulate money and shop for other things to attract customers... 

etc... 

The writing was good at least. I caught some errors in the writing, like a mispelled word or bad punctuation, but in the end, it was all good. 

But in the end we got a very linear plot where it feels the author is making the desicions for you. 

4/8. I'm going to play Part 2 now.

-- Fazz on 8/5/2014 5:12:28 PM with a score of 0

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The Lemonade Buisness 2:

I just played this game and to say the least I am kind of disappointed. 

The thing that killed this storygame most was probably the length, which ended way too abruptly. I was hoping for a tycoon sim game, but I got a story where you make lemonade from various ingredients. Although it was sort of amusing to make lemonade out of the different products (cow urine, unicorn feces,) avaliable, it was still very short. 

I can see you were trying to use variables and items to manage the story, but in the end, the money didn't necassarily make a difference at all and, again... all you do is make lemonade from various ingrediants (items). 

I suggest you do make a Lemonade Business 3, but at least have some sim/RPG aspects embedded, otherwise we are just going to get another linear remake of Lemonade Business 1. 

The writing was at least better. However, I personally felt that there were too many exclamation points in the writing (These things: "!"). 

Lastly, and this isn't a big thing at all, but when you select the choice of making the second ingrediant, it tells you (not actual quote): "Alright, time to make lemonade! Put in your first ingrediant!" This confused me a bit, and I first I thought it was just a loop mistake, so I restarted the process of making the lemonade, and instead put the second ingrediant at the first ingrediant screen (if that makes sense). It told me that I put it in wrong, but I noticed, if you select "put the next ingrediant" and make your lemonade, there is NO way to make the lemonade wrong. There is no certain combination, anything goes pretty much. 

I think, if you're just going to make a game about making lemonade out of various ingrediants, you should atleast let the reader know how exactly it tasted, based off the ingrediants instead of giving us a "Good" or "Interesting" option and then "Everyone loves your new recipe!" You don't have to tell us what the customers thought it tasted, just what it tasted to the protaganist. That could have probably added onto it and made it a little more amusing. 

3/8.

-- Fazz on 8/5/2014 5:35:45 PM with a score of 

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Pokemon Adventure: The Story of Ash Ketchum (Part 1):

This story was extremely linear and, in my opinion, doesn't deserve any more parts. Instead you should focus on continuing this one, since it isn't much of a story. Also, I was dissapointed by the fact that you couldn't use your items; why give items if the author makes the call anyway? 

Your writing could also use some work, specifically during dialogue. Like James mentioned below, you start a new paragragh when there's a change of SPEAKER. 

So instead of - 

"Want to fight Pokemon?" Ash asks Gary. "Sure thing, dude," Gary responds. 

It is - 

"Want to fight Pokemon?" Ask asks Gary. 

"Sure thing, dude," Gary responds. 

This way the writing isn't so bumpy and is more organized.

-- FazzTheMan on 12/7/2014 11:48:57 PM with a score of 0

The idea behind this could prove very popular, thinking about it Pokémon is an excellent subject for a story-game (there are even Items you can use in both!). The grammar is a bit poor in places and the descriptions can use some spicing up, though in some places it's a bit strange (if I was Ash I probably wouldn't refer to my mum as Mrs Delia Ketchum). Still a concept with massive potential if you work on it, I imagine working out a pokemon battle system could be a bit fiddly/exhausting though.

-- Will11 on 12/8/2014 4:36:39 AM with a score of 0

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A Trip to the Zoo:

It was... creative, but I never made it to the zoo :P. Also, your grammar was pretty bad, which makes your story look that much more juvenile, which is something you want to avoid. Even if your 2cnd person view takes place in the head of an extremely immature person, you want the PERSON to look juvenile, not the STORY. I also think you made 13 guest accounts and rated it a 6, I don't think it's deserving of that rating at all, and I doubt many other readers would either due to the comments I've seen. 3/8

-- ThisisBo on 10/15/2011 5:05:22 PM

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War of Brothers:

The story was good, but the poor grammar and misuse of words (shocking people's hands instead of shaking them for example) made me stop for a moment to work out what it was trying to say, a fair few times. As Sethaniel said, it could be immensely improved by correcting such mistakes. However, I liked it, and I've seen far, far worse than this before. I'll play the sequel when it comes out.

-- tsmpaul on 6/25/2007 6:08:58 PM with a score of 88

Nice storyline to this story. A little confusing that you have links saying "shoot him" but those don't work, one has to use the gun item to actually shoot. This game would be *immensely* improved by spell-check and grammar checking. There are characters and plot here, but they don't come through as clearly as they could because of the confusing writing style. "You hand-shock everyone on the army" -- sounds like I have a joybuzzer. . .

-- Sethaniel on 6/24/2007 8:47:09 PM with a score of 108

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The Dragon Quiz!:

I didn't mind the fact that the wrong answers were dead ends. I was only a little bothered by the condescending tone and not-really-that funny comments when selecting the wrong answers. 

What really irked me was that this entire quiz is based on questions about a fantasy species and asks for very specific facts that I had no way of knowing. Either this needs to be moved into the Fan Fiction and the original source it's drawing from needs to be pointed out, or it's a rather pointless quiz that can only be solved by random guesses. 

-- the_quiller on 7/27/2014 12:49:20 PM

The think about this quiz, is the fact that you are basing it on fictional subject without having provided the readers with a source from which you obtained all this information. Unlike LoTR or Star Trek, there's no way for readers to know all of this. You could be making it all up. 

And I feel like, as a proper quiz it should have utilized the advanced editor in order to actually calculate the score.

-- FazzTheMan on 6/22/2015 12:41:02 AM

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Frozen Bones:

This was an interesting start, you built up a character of sorts. an NPC to interact with and, an overall goal to hook the player in. 

Sadly this is clearly unfinished (As you warn people beforehand) and due to it's unfinished nature none of the good starts you made come to fruition.

-- FeanorOnForge on 10/21/2016 4:15:08 PM with a score of 0

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Children of the Plague:

I guess it was interesting. One of the biggest problems of this story is that it is riiddled with grammatical errors, most usually 'your' instead of 'you're'. Furthermore, after playing some other paths it seems like the choices you make -- emo or good, and the sprinkles for example, don't seem to have much affect on you or the world as the same events and choices occur each time. Because of this, I was a little confused by some of the events of the story -- I mean, what is the significance of the robber? Or turning into a cat? Everything seemed to be a bit random, which I think is mostly caused by my next point... 

I think the biggest offender is the fact that this is unfinished. There's simply no justification for releasing an unfinished story just to see if your "writing is good" or whatever; it seems to me you were going in with something, added in some random events and kind of lost steam. So please finish this. 

As a side note, I think you should flesh out the plot and characters more, as I was confuse about what you meant by infected and non-infecteds and why my mother carried around a shotgun; point is you could do a better job of describing the world the protaganist is in better. Why does my character hate my father? And what about ny mother? You could also build-up the brother/sister relationship too, perhaps add some history between us. 

I don't really understand, well, the lore of this story and what and why is really going on. Despite the fact it was riddled woth grammatical errors, it seems to be written fairly well. The world and the plot need to be fleshed out some to make this a little non-linear, and all of this brings us back to the main point: Finish this!

-- FazzTheMan on 7/11/2015 1:50:11 AM with a score of 0

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Finding the Muse:

I came into "Finding the Muse" thinking that it would be a linear story. What I got instead, was something surprisingly fun. 

The story has you in the role of yourself as you try to think of things to do to strike your inspiration for a new CYS storygame. In order to do that, you can complete any number of actions including "Watching TV", "Exercising", or even "Viewing Facebook messages". 

For the 5-6 times I played it, I ended up getting the Cake ending, without writing my story. This one is going to puzzle me for a bit. The replay-ability is relatively short, but has some good fun while it lasts.

-- AppDude27 on 9/17/2015 12:52:38 PM with a score of 89

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TICG: The Game!:

The problem is, while your inside jokes might be funny to you, they're not funny to the rest of us. Here is my summary of what happens in this storygame: 

You sit with some people. Oh, yeah, and there's only about two or three people you can actually sit by. And you don't get to talk to them or anything, just read one page of them talking to you if you're lucky. 

After that you take a test over something - something you were never told about beforehand and something that you never learned and have no clue about.

-- AllThatIsGold on 1/10/2016 5:50:01 PM

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Random Plot: Job Saving:

First it's nice to see you've gone from "sorry for the quality" to "go in your corner and shut up" in the intro's to your stories :D I liked the idea of a walk-in elephant exhibit that comes equipped with jeeps which makes the zoo sound bigger than New Hampshire. On the down side random story games take no real effort or plausibility to write and though it's fairly good as random story games go I prefer your other stuff which is why you get a 4/8.

-- Will11 on 1/13/2015 12:57:33 AM with a score of 0

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Rylee Greening: Champion of Fitness:

If this was only aimed at a handful of specific people, it would have made more sense to leave it unpublished and just share the link with them. 

This wasn't bad at all though, and so if you ever attempted a regular CYOA I'd look forward to reading it.

-- mizal on 5/7/2016 3:18:55 AM

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Survive or Conquer:

This story had an interesting plot, near perfect grammar and spelling. The amount of detail used in this story really kept the words alive in my mind. Your writing style is also quite amazing and I see that you have great potential. A little short to my liking but otherwise, this was just great! Keep on writing!

-- Penworth on 6/18/2015 8:15:07 AM

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The Mall:

One of the few things I liked about this story was that it was long, had plenty of options, and there were points that it was funny. The part I didn't like was that it was to silly, no plot, and you kept making obscure references. It just felt underdeveloped. I know you were going for the "weird day at the mall" effect but it just fell short. 

3/8

-- JMgskills on 2/16/2012 3:02:14 PM

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Post-Apocalyptic Empire:

I think you really tried to make a good story, but perhaps got bored partway through or were surprised by how much work it required, because this shows signs of being a decent story which hasn't been properly finished. 
It's linear. 
I found a "this is a new page" 

-- Evagirl on 10/28/2012 8:35:43 AM

It was illogical at some points, as some choices would have resulted in a very different story. Your punctuation and length needs work, but everything else in terms of qualitative parts are okay. This is definitely NOT a choose-your-story, since you threaten the reader with death with every wrong "decision". 1/8

-- Swiftstryker on 10/29/2012 10:12:23 PM

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The last day in the museum:

There was a good variety in the options but the wold story was only about 3 pages long. It is better to have a few story branches than a lot that ends the story fast, also as others have mentioned the writing needs some work. You need to develop a plot beyond the basic to make a good story, the more time you spend on a story the better it will be :)

-- Will11 on 3/14/2015 4:51:37 AM

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What do you wish to remember?:

Remove Puzzle tag

That is a bit hard to read.

Separated them with dashes.

Mhm, it looks much neater now! :) I'm sure it will make things a bit more easier for End to sift through. I usually number mine, but that's just my way of doing it. 

Recommending comments for featuring in:

Homo Perfectus 3

1. I have thoroughly enjoyed playing this from beginning to end. More than just technically impressive in terms of scripting and writing, this game also presents puzzles in ways that fit seamlessly into the progression of the plot, with solutions that are hinted at just enough to be solvable without wild guessing. 

The super-heroic ending was a fitting, albeit bittersweet ending. I couldn't ask for more (but I will anyway, because there are five more games to go, and that fact makes me incredibly happy.)

-- the_quiller on 3/9/2016 4:07:00 AM with a score of 140

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Survive or Conquer

This story was pretty good. The writing was quite impressive and any issues with grammar wasn't at all noticeable, as the writing hardly if ever stumbled. While this was your "slay the dragon" kind of tale, it was done well and it had enough choices to give this quite a bit of replay value. 

I only wish that there was much more to read through, because this certainly had quite a way with words :)

-- TharaApples on 10/31/2016 4:03:53 AM

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2. This story had an interesting plot, near perfect grammar and spelling. The amount of detail used in this story really kept the words alive in my mind. Your writing style is also quite amazing and I see that you have great potential. A little short to my liking but otherwise, this was just great! Keep on writing!

-- Penworth on 6/18/2015 8:15:07 AM

3. Maturity change to three

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Dragon Rider - Lost Memory

4. Having to use a translator to write some of the story makes things very difficult and I believe I can see where you struggled, however I could always followed the intended meaning. 

Setting things like grammar aside (Due to it being a second language) you made a clear attempt at some character development and hooking the reader into the story which was good. The bad would be the length (Very short) and lack of real choices (Pick the right one or 'insta-death'). 

As you get more confident and skilled with English, writing these should become easier so do keep it up and keep practicing.

-- FeanorOnForge on 10/21/2016 1:34:42 PM

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Climbing Beyond The Clouds 

Beautifully written, Will. You did quite an amazing job with creating such a great sense of foreboding for certain scenes of the story, so much so that I questioned several times as to why anyone would even want to traverse such a dangerous mountain to begin with. 

The letters of the wife were also a good motivation for me to get the protagonist back home safe, so I couldn't help but make that my priority as I read through this amazing story. 

Once again, the amount of effort that you put in this shines through brilliantly. 

Bravo, Will :) I definitely had my fun with reading this.

-- TharaApples on 10/31/2016 5:14:20 AM with a score of 0

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5. I just. . . Will11, you never fail to amaze us. I wonder how is it that you always manage to combine a lesson about history (or in this case, mount Everest) and a good story? Maybe, the answer is simple. That you are a very talented writer. 
Just keep writing stories. We all appreciate it.

-- Penworth on 6/3/2015 1:24:12 AM with a score of 0

6. Serious tag

7. Drama tag 

***********************************

1960's Pop Culture Quiz

8. Historical tag

Recommended comments for featuring:

Pushing A Desert Army: The Castle:

I liked the first one better. This one seemed a bit underworked, and often the choices were seemingly arbitrary but one would kill me and the other wouldn't. One thing you could do is have a background page that explains how and why you ended up in the situation, giving a synopsis about the last story.

-- madglee on 8/31/2006 11:57:49 AM

Pages far to sort with no real description. It was simply click, and then either die or advance, then repeat ad nauseum. This didn't engage me at all. There is the basis of a plot there, it just needs some description in order to immerse the reader in the story.

-- Jordi P on 10/30/2015 1:43:20 PM

I didn't like this. The pages were too short, the writing was bland and uninteresting, and I noticed some grammar mistakes. The choices were generic, like for example, "You see three people, who do you shoot". I did like the plot however, though I wish it was built on more. 

3/8.

-- FazzTheMan on 12/31/2014 10:30:00 PM

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The very short tale of Bara:

This story is very underrated. Regardless of length, the story is complete. In one way, the lack of length is a strength. You packed allot of good into a small package. Your word choice was also very appropriate for the story, great job. An enjoyable bite-sized snack. 6/8

-- ugilick on 6/16/2013 10:27:16 PM

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Just Another Average Joe:

For a first story game, and your supposed "lack of creativity," the story wasn't bad. 

There were a few minor issues with punctuation/grammar (like forgetting to put them in one or two spots), but nothing to detract too much from what you wrote. 

It was certainly a CYOA, and there were choices abound, but my only major gripe with the story as a whole was that it felt a little too short at times on certain pages. Also, I wouldn't really call this a "fantasy adventure," but more of a "modern adventure" or "Everything Else" category. 

Overall, not bad: 4/8

-- LeoScales7 on 3/13/2015 12:03:55 PM

Good work :D The story was original and different, fairly random but not in a stupid way and the writing was good. One thing I would draw to your attention is that when characters speak in prose writing they do not speak like this: 
You: That is not right. 
That is how they speak in film scripts, it should look like this: 
"This is not right," you say. 
Overall a very good effort though rather than free-world explore it might be fun if we stumbled on a complete and developed storyline :)

-- Will11 on 3/14/2015 4:46:38 AM

Not bad for a first attempt, but first attempts won't get you any pity here. The writing wasn't bad and the overall theme was engaging, but you could have done more with the plot and fleshed the story out more. Also, I feel like this belongs in the horror section, not fantasy. 

Why did you write the dialogue like a screenplay? That didn't really make any sense, and it makes the reader very aware they are reading a story. The goal is to keep the reader as engaged as possible, especially in a CYOA. Also, why was the dialogue in bold? 

Good stories don't have to be massive, but the shorter a story is, the more importance each word carries. So you have to use very precise and descriptive words. 

Overall, it was a rather average story, but you showed potential. I think you could write something quite enjoyable if you put in more time and worked on fleshing your plot out more.

-- Bucky on 3/13/2015 12:10:22 PM

*Remove Horror tag

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Pam Meets Steve:

It met the standards, few mistakes, semi-interesting, yet original, plot, and easy to read, only problem is the lack of choices and the obvious responses from said choices.

-- DeathIncarnate on 7/31/2015 5:49:21 AM

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Friend Zone:

I am actually very critical of romance stories, to be honest. It's only a rare occasion where I don't find them a little too cheesy, unrealistic, clumsy, boring, so on. (Or, hey, they can also be just poorly disguised smut / porn in some cases.) I didn't hate or even particularly dislike this, but I can't say I really ... liked it. 


I have actually enjoyed homework more than I did this story, but I'm a nerd, so maybe that doesn't really count. For a first story, it's really not... -bad-, you've got some errors here and there, but nothing hideous or glaring, so you're doing better than a lot of new writers. 


However, the story is short. None of the paths give a reader adequate time to develop a bond with any of the characters, so I can't say I care about them. I think the crush in this story is kind of an ass and the best friend is, too, but eh. That's as far as my opinion of the characters goes. I know nothing about Oliver and the extent I know of April is that she's sad and she has had an exceptionally long crush on a guy, expecting him to know without being told. That's it. 


There's nothing wrong with a short story, mind you, but it has to 1: be the kind of story that -can- be told in few page, and 2: still convey an interesting, full story in the short space it's given. Love stories don't tend to fit both requirements very well. 


Also, as far as romances go, this isn't a particularly interesting story. Oh, sure, it's one that most of us can relate to and that's a good idea for a premise--but that also means you have a lot of pressure on you to capture that emotion, those circumstances, and that heart-ache realistically. 


At first, I thought you might manage. I mean, I can see a girl spending a few hours in bed, tissues everywhere, depressed, stiff all over from curling up and crying over the loss of her crush to her bestie. It's not hard to imagine in real life. Unfortunately, later on, the story feels pretty awkward and unrealistic in some places. 


All of that said, I will commend you on the fact that it's not very linear for a short story. You can have more than three endings and for a first story, that's pretty good. They're also varied in tone, since a couple are happy, some are bitter sweet, and a couple are just downers. Keep at it, okay? I think you'll get better. I'd advise putting more time into the next one.

-- Kiel_Farren on 7/24/2014 2:36:52 AM

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Cross a Canyon:

To those who are saying that it is short and pointless: 
Twelve year old Chris was an idiot. I really have no clue why any of these stories are still up to be honest, and I really don't want them to be up anymore. So please, take this into consideration. 
~14 year old Chris.

-- Chris113022 on 1/13/2016 11:17:09 PM with a score of 0

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White Room:

I like the ideas behind that, the story was good and the writing as well developed. Expanding the story while keeping all the currently existing good qualities would only improve it

-- Will11 on 11/13/2014 3:23:29 AM with a score of 0

It was great, I really hope that the story is continued. I don't really like how there is no possible way to end other than the men putting you back. If and hopefully when you continue this story, you should change some of the story lines around a bit. Otherwise this is a decent and promising story.

-- TheSophia on 7/23/2014 6:49:22 PM with a score of 0

I love the concept. It's always been that 'what if' question. "How do you get out of a room with no doors, no windows, and you have nothing but a hot dog bun (or whatever was in your pocket, lol)" As others have said, I'd love to see more variation, as well as description. Like the walls were white and smooth, like a heavy coffee cup. All in all, great puzzle story!

-- Skysworne on 6/22/2013 8:35:57 PM with a score of 0

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Try Not To Die!:

Well, it wasn't the best written story that's for sure. But I have seen worse on here, so I won't dock any points on that. I also added you one point, because you had two ways to reach the ending of the story. A good idea, and the story is interesting in a mysterious, don't know what is going on kind of way. But bad choices, and WAY TOO many deaths, keep this from being one to recommend. Sorry, better luck next time.

-- Leon101 on 2/7/2009 1:23:59 AM

How are people to know what to do? You leave no hints as to the best possible action, this is really frustrating for your player because he dies a lot without having any real input. Also, don't worry about indenting. Make sure you complete your story before publishing next time. Not a terrible first effort.

-- JJJ-thebanisher on 1/19/2009 6:40:27 PM

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Jump For Joy:

Just confusing. I had no idea what was going on half the time and the grammar and sentence structure was not that great. Also, I just did not get the plot of the game and even with the nice amount of options this game provided, it still felt lacking. 

3/8

-- JMgskills on 5/2/2012 11:01:20 AM with a score of 0

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Rat Story:

Sometimes quite repetitive. You really need to work on the names of your characters. Very interesting ideas, original up to the end battles, which were generally cliche. I'm sure you can advance further as a writer and when you do I look forward to reading your stories.

-- insanebutvain on 6/12/2014 10:41:58 PM with a score of 0

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Fight to the Death: The Game:

Definitely didn't notice the bugs, so you must have fixed those up. I think you did a good job with this gameplay and interaction -- it definitely felt like I was in the game. The storyline did feel a bit lacking, but I think the action made up for it. Nice tieins to your other work!

-- alexp on 3/3/2007 12:04:24 AM with a score of 0

The nice amount of options and the ability to really affect the outcome of the story made it fun. Also, a great use of items. But, I think this game could have been better if you worked on the plot a little more. 

5/8

-- JMgskills on 5/5/2012 5:10:44 PM with a score of 37

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Doors I:

I think you are a very good writer, but there seems to be little effort put into this story. There are very little hints as to what will happen when you make a choice, and I went through every path to see if there was more than one "good ending". Unsurprisingly there was not. Also the cliffhanger at the end. If you want to write a story ending in a cliffhanger, just write a book series! Storygames should have a proper ending, not a cliffhanger! You have potential to make great games, but this is not the way to do it.

-- MidnightPhoenix on 9/20/2015 2:10:48 PM

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An Escape from Ruin:

Good: 
1. Originality 
2. Nonlinearity 
Bad: 
1. No explanation for setting or backstory 
2. Random deaths/endings- it's not a Difficulty storygame, where the reader has to think or read carefully for clues, but rather just random results 
Ugly: 
1. The Description hints at character and emotional development, but there's none of that in the story 
2. Unclear what character motivation or reasoning for actions are- some character behavior is unrealistics, and setting really isn't clarified to be fantasy

-- urnam0 on 6/14/2011 9:37:42 PM

This is a very short story and is ultimately very boring because of it. It could have paid off with a longer story, explaining some of the weird things some of the stories end with. It was very short and ultimately, I found it a waste of my time. It had a lot of potential, but it was not used, leaving the story lacking.

-- TheHuntress on 2/11/2016 5:09:11 PM

*Remove RPG tag

*Remove Puzzle tag

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Vanvid:

What an interesting story! Although I've only completed one storyline, the one with Mary the wolf, I look forward to finding all the endings. You guys did a fine job on it! 
Now, a little constructive criticism if you may... I suggest going back and checking for spelling errors. There were few as I played, but I believe it will help your story greatly! 
Also, I'd suggest breaks in the paragraphs. One large block o' text is a bit tedious to get through, and as a person who often accidentally skips lines, or re-reads lines, it would be a nice relief to have these. 
All in all, the story was cool! I'd love to see more like it! :)

-- Pisces on 7/27/2013 12:49:39 PM with a score of 0

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Cutting Up Some Tomatoes:

Very little on this site makes me laugh, but this succeeded in doing so, good on you for that. Some things I suggest are longer pages, a more interesting plot and a less linear story. Sometimes it's nice to see simple things like this, so it was nice compared to the low-effort monotony you normally see from newer authors.

-- bjhovey on 3/28/2015 10:09:27 PM with a score of 0

----------------------------------------------------

Lachlan’s Birthday:

It was a very random story, linear and also very short. I don't think it was a good idea to write "QLD" when a lot of people are going to struggle knowing what that is. I assume it is Queensland. Also, my sister died to much sadness, but I felt none. The way you wrote it, just shrugged it off as nothing.

-- Madbrad200 on 9/6/2014 12:11:33 PM with a score of 0

---------------------------------------------------------------

Darkness Covers Me:

Change Difficulty to 1/8:

Only one choice in the game matters in whether you die or live. Might warrant a 2/8 instead.

Change Maturity to 4/8:

Violence in the form of killing is present in the story, but nothing else for it to deserve a 7/8. Might warrant a 3/8 instead.

--------------------------

The Seven Truth of the Seven Rainbow Path:

Remove Based off A True Story tag

------------------------------------------------

You are a Fish:

Remove Based Off A True Story and Part of Series tag

------------------------------------------------------

Welcome to College:

Remove Quiz tag

Recommending comment for featuring & storygame tags:

The Road: Carrying the Fire

This was a very powerful story. The imagery did a wonderful job to convey such a sense of loneliness and despair. It truly did feel like a empty world, empty but very oppressive towards a protagonist trying to do their best to survive a terrible situation. 

I must say that this may be one of the saddest stories I've read so far on this site. The writing did a wonderful job in providing such a crushing sense of hopelessness, but there was always just one dim little light of hope. 

This was rather wonderful :)

-- TharaApples on 11/1/2016 3:40:32 PM

1. Post-Apocalyptic tag

2. Serious tag 

***************************

A Jornada...

3. Foreign Language tag 

***********************

Nick the Computer Guy 

4. Remove Part of Series tag

*********************************

Recommending comments for deletion:

Budget Boom 

5. Not enough content but was amusing for 2 minutes

-- The_Dungeon_Master on 2/28/2016 7:23:45 AM

Reasoning: Duplicate.

*******************************

1 day 

6. Hm.

-- Royce on 6/28/2016 6:33:08 PM with a score of 18

Recommended comments for featuring & tags.

=================================

Curse of the De’meir:

I personally had a lot of fun with this. I think it has an excellent storyline, and I liked the amount of detail that was put into describing the details. However, the word choice was relatively simple. If you're going for a better piece of writing, I would try expanding the story's vocabulary. But from a guy just trying to enjoy a good story, this had an excellent storyline and descriptions. Well done! I am certainly looking forward to the next part!

-- GreenEagle on 4/28/2013 1:29:33 AM

===============================

Empathy:

I think what you have written is good and engaging, but it is basically two short scenes. I think if you expand this story a lot (make it a whole new story as ratings don't go away with unpublishing and republishing), giving more choices and more description of each event, this could blossom into something great.

-- Future on 2/29/2016 3:52:28 AM

It wasn't bad. It was very frustrating as it swapped between past and present tense considerably as well as first and second person, but besides that I didn't mind it. It seemed a bit too much angst and sadness for two people, although as a short little emotional piece it was entertaining and shows potential.

-- Steve24833 on 2/28/2016 7:06:04 PM

This is quite a nice story though slightly unusual but refreshingly original which was nice. You have real writing talent here and I think you are good at drawing emotion out of the reader which leads me to suspect a Love and Dating story is out there somewhere waiting for you to write it... :) Overall quite a nice little short story.

-- Will11 on 2/28/2016 6:57:54 PM

======================

Nutters:

It was an average game for me. It had a nice amount of options and I liked playing a squirrel looking for nuts to eat. On the other hand, the not so great spelling and random deaths kind of held the game back for me. I suggest next time that you give a hint when I am close to dying. 

5/8

-- JMgskills on 4/28/2012 3:43:58 PM

*Remove Part of Series tag

*Add Animal Perspective tag

=========================

Sanity in Turmoil:

At first, I felt that it was confusing but then after a few pages you explained everything. The plot was alright. Not entirely boring nor interesting. It was just right. One thing I loved about this though is the detail and description. When you described the family, that part was amazing. 

This was a great effort altogether. Keep writing! I can see that there is plenty of potential.

-- Penworth on 6/20/2015 9:29:10 PM

*Add Post-Apocalyptic tag

=======================

Ghostly Mystery:

Very nice story; well written with nice pictures. Also tells a good story about atropos and so forth. I would have rated this higher and probably included it in my list, but for some problems. A few times topics come up that the reader knows nothing about, so feels weird asking. Also, there's not enough background on who you are and why you're visiting this lady. Furthermore, you can only meet one ghost.

-- madglee on 9/22/2006 8:14:58 PM

============================

Of Ruin:

The first page is poorly spaced and the first sentence doesn't really make any sense, neither do a few others on that same page. I guess you're trying to wax poetic about an existential crisis, but do keep in mind that good poetry tends to have a clear meaning. Your objective should be to (ultimately) enlighten, not confuse. 

There's the odd error here and there, nothing too distracting, and I do enjoy the concept of being the lone being left in an empty world or universe, but... I dunno. I kind of like this, but I think it could've benefited from some fine-tuning and the endings where you speak to the universe--while attempting to be deep--miss the mark. 

I was also expecting some kind of explanation for what the MC is and why they're in this position, and it's never provided. 

It's hinted at that they were probably human or a human-like being at one point, but they obviously aren't now, if they can wander the universe at their leisure and were the only surviving being from some... catastrophe, maybe? It seemed like a mystery that we, as the readers, never solved. 

It has seven endings in total from what I read, and that's a lot for a short story, so I appreciate that the choices make a difference; I just find myself wanting more detail and clarity.

-- Kiel_Farren on 11/24/2015 5:00:29 PM

================================

ChooseYourLife:

That was a bit like reading a SIMS game, I think the idea of story games is that your choices have some sort of impact on events and ideally the larger plot and this makes it more personal. This was just picking a random option from a bunch of stuff, none of it really mattering to me. For such a meaningless story the writing was surprisingly good and showed a healthy imagination, only for the next one can we have some sort of love interest, difficult situation or something a bit more engrossing than whether I have a one-storey or a two-storey house?

-- Will11 on 11/10/2014 4:21:19 AM

What's the point of having all these choices if none of them mean anything? There's no plot or character development here, just a lot of choosing. Who cares what my house looks like, or what kind of car my parents drive, or what book my dad was reading? None of it matters. 
Spelling and grammar were passable, not perfect. If you had actually written a story, it might be okay.

-- Sethaniel on 4/30/2014 10:21:16 PM

There was no actual plot, no story, and no conflict. This is "ChooseYourLife", and, last time I checked, the type of chair I sat on during the Fourth of July didn't influence my life in the least. A lot of the choices didn't make sense either (an animal named "BeBe" that says "yes"?). Make choices that MATTER, something that keeps the readers playing.

-- Allusional on 5/2/2014 7:58:47 PM

============================

HateClan:

If you're going to satirise something it is better to stick to the subject than wander into the realms of randomness but overall this is pretty good. It speaks volumes about WC fan fics that the satires are more popular with readers than the genuine efforts, possibly because with the satires we get creativity, humour, correct grammar and spelling and genuine choices while these five things are almost never all present in a WC story. 

I think you have a talent for humour and would enjoy reading more of your... interesting stories :)

-- Will11 on 7/3/2015 4:10:16 AM with a score of 0

======================================

An Escape From The Top:

It's a bit too easy to die or win, and lacks any real storyline. However, at least it is typed properly. And I got through it first shot and played it again, and there isn't really any other way you can go without dying. A bit linear, but it was typed properly and it had a gorilla in it so a four/five (can't remember which).

-- October on 8/2/2008 5:06:26 AM with a score of 0

========================================

The Chained God:

This game is awesome! Still trying to figure out how to win it. I'll get there eventually. Very well written, really clever puzzles to solve. I liked the use of music, though it did distract from reading sometimes. All in all, definitely one of the best Puzzle games on the site. ^_^

-- Briar_Rose on 1/2/2013 4:48:30 AM with a score of 3

===========================================

A.M.I.E (1.1):

This really wasn't what I had expected. I thought there were going to be a lot of decisions. I didn't even get to raise AMIE like you said we'd be able to. I thought there'd be a multitude of decisions to make in regards to raising her and it would affect the outcome. Instead all that happened was that she became a killer machine anyways and tore my arm off when I tried to Falcon Punch her. This story had a lot of potential but it looks like you got lazy and abruptly finished it. You should go back to this and make it longer and with a lot more decisions that actually affect the outcome of the story.

-- corgi213 on 10/12/2015 7:19:48 PM with a score of 0

==================================

Rings of Stone:

Decent prologue to the true story. Can't really call it much more than that, as it stops literally as soon as you would have started the school aspect. 

Characters have potential, but we didn't really have enough time to explore any of them. 

It held my attention, although I hated that you used single quotes instead of double for dialogue. Some parts also seems cluttered, along with some spelling and grammar errors.

-- Killa_Robot on 7/16/2016 8:42:49 PM with a score of 0

Man. It ended just when it was starting to get good. 

I felt early vibes of Harry Potter and later vibes of Percy Jackson; and while that's not altogether original I think you pulled it off. For me this is a case where the writing was far superior to the plot. 

That being said, since the story hadn't quite started yet it was still well written and enjoyable; though I am left wanting more.

-- donteatpoop on 7/7/2016 2:34:35 AM with a score of 0

=========================================

Rise of a Hero:

Not bad at all! Work a little on your grammar (although it improved towards the end) and definitely slow the procession of the story. You should have spent lots of pages introducing us to the rebellion, etc. I felt like the plot was contrived at times (I wanted to go to that city but can't, I just happened to run into the rebellion, etc.) but it wasn't terrible. Good effort, and absolutely awesome for a first story.

-- JJJ-thebanisher on 5/4/2011 5:21:41 AM

================================

Kingdom Conquest:

This was good, a lot of choices. And I like how the ending recapped and showed you what kind of King you were. And proves that there weren't many fake choices. The only thing is there are quite a bit of grammatical errors and typos in the story. I reccomend getting it proofread. 4/8 average.

-- SonicTurboTurtle on 10/5/2015 10:39:54 AM

Well done. While this game wasn't the longest of it's genre, it was quite enjoyable, as each choice required a certain degree of strategy to overcome others for the throne. I couldn't help but notice some mistakes with grammar however, but that didn't detract too much from the overall experience of this game.

-- TharaApples on 10/25/2016 4:22:53 PM

=========================

Imperialism choose your own adventure:

It wasn't bad for a first try, but you really didn't do a very good job of getting the player into the mindset of people of the time, using words like "racism", which (according to Wikipedia) wasn't used until the 1930's and was at the time colonialism the general belief. 
This also doesn't belong in the school-based category as it has nothing to do with school. 

Your spelling and grammar is ok though, my main advice is to do more research if you wish to do something historical.

-- Evagirl on 11/12/2012 2:45:02 PM

=============================

A Day in the life (and death) of you:

Remove Based Off A True Story tag

Remove Socially Important tag

*gasp*

Someone other than myself recommended one of my comments for featuring!? Well, that's just swell ^^

Granted, I do recommend my comments on literally the same day that I make them... So, blah. You're quite the suggestion giver, Banner. You may have a knack for this :)

Why, thank you! I could have even more suggestions if I wasn't picky on which comments to recommend. :P

Recommending tagging for End's games! (I couldn't help it): 

Love SICK 

1. Part of Series tag

------------------------------------

Repression

2. Part of Series tag

---------------------------------

TRASH

3. Part of Series tag

I just went ahead and tagged them all except for Imagination, Alpha Wolf and AVSCYS.

I'll tag Innkeeper when Rogues comes out.

Lovely :)

Recommending a Storygame for Unpublishing:

1) Girls Go

Reason: Has been here a while and still has a 2/8 rating.

      a) Also, on a side note...it should be under love and dating, not modern adventure.

10/23/2016	10	Publish Game Girls Go

2) T.V. Adventure

Reason: Has been here a while and still has a 1/8 rating

10/20/2016

10

Publish Game T.V. Adventure

Recommended comments for featuring  & tags.

Storm the school:

The plot was good, but it was linear, there were also a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes as well as a few punctuation mistakes. I also have a problem with how easily the protagonist accomplishes things, that part was not very realistic and made things a little weird.

-- DeathIncarnate on 7/25/2015 11:32:47 AM

==================================

What Would You Do if You Could Help Out:

This game was really badly put together. There was a broken link. The choice of links seemed arbitrary at times. At one point I was told I had two choices but there was only one. The game would end or loop you back for no apparent reason. And the end game links were done in a weird way. You could have used variables to very easily improve this game. Please check games before you publish them and you wouldn't have all these problems and bugs. 

There was no real plot. This was just a series of unconnected events strung together. These events and choices were either really weird or inconsequential. You have a bagel, and that's it. So what? You're not allowed to have a cat because you're deaf? What the hell? And how does hiding for 5 minutes from someone with a gun make it 'ok' to come out? 

The writing is alright but it really could do with more description and elaboration. That would make us care about the characters and what's going on. 

Says in the description that this game is a mix of funny and serious, but I didn't find anything funny whatsoever. 

2/8

-- 31TeV on 10/19/2014 2:12:48 AM

===========================

Avoiding Termination:

This felt like the bare bones of an amusing tale. Longer, more detailed pages would have done wonders. I like the sense of humor, I almost chuckled into my fist once but I managed to stop myself before it escaped. 

Overall well done. You've inspired me with the path where you accidentally become a janitor; a janitor would be an interesting protagonist. 

Nice story.

-- donteatpoop on 7/7/2016 2:45:45 AM

Decent game. Like others have pointed out, it was a bit lacking in substance, but the plot was clear from the start, and the endings gave a satisfying conclusion. 

Not too much else to say on it really.

-- Killa_Robot on 7/17/2016 8:13:08 PM

*Add Humor tag

===========

A UFO at School:

Another good story, enjoyable teen fiction and I like the idea of inserting choices into a story which makes each page read a little like a goosebumps chapter (though for some reason R.L. Stine would always end them on a cliff-hanger). The story length isn't very long but that's ok, it's a pretty classic style CYOA that will give people 5-10 minutes worth of good story reading :)

-- Will11 on 8/18/2015 7:24:35 PM with a score of 0

Not necessarily a bad story, but your writing could be improved a bit more, as the reading didn't really transition smoothly with what the switching between tenses and redundancy. Overall it was okay for a fairly short story though. 4/8

-- FazzTheMan on 10/27/2015 11:40:30 PM with a score of 0

===============================================

A Quiz I made for the Blatant Hell of it All.:

Okay, then. This was more interesting than I thought it would be. I liked how it actually had a story. Not sure how I did, though, which is why I am commenting, lol. I think you did a good job with this game. My only wish is that I could see some of the answers that I couldn't exactly remember. Maybe you could add the answers at the end. I still rated it fairly high, though. Good game!

-- breezy134 on 4/1/2016 12:00:58 AM with a score of 0

*Remove Puzzle tag

=============

Betrayer:

I've seen this done before, the attempt to make a "relationship drama" that's actually about addiction. This one doesn't work for me. 
The plot is too vague to be compelling. The relationship is too anthropomorphized, there's too much that doesn't make sense if she isn't a real person. 
I'd like to see you write something longer, more complex and more concrete.

-- Sethaniel on 1/19/2015 2:33:12 PM

The writing style is very compelling if in danger of being too minimalistic, it would have been impossible to maintain the lack of knowledge in a longer story without the reader losing interest. Still, this was different in a good way and I enjoyed reading it :)

-- Will11 on 1/18/2015 1:08:44 PM

======================

Forest of Darkness:

This:

The genre is one I generally like: Find yourself in an unexplained and foreboding situation, work your way out of it while uncovering story, plot and trials to overcome on the way. I even seek out games (CYO and Computer too) in this genre. 

Sadly this game doesn't pull it off. At the beginning I was thinking 'Ok, simple set up that leads to the unusual, good so far but I wonder how the next elements get introduced?'. Sadly they weren't, you are faced with choices which boil down to luck and have no place for logic or reasoning in determining the outcome. I really do hate 'Insta-deaths' being the main source of an 'alternate choice'. 

The story was also on the short side with little character or plot development. This actually dissapointed me more as the entire time I kept feeling that with a bit more time and effort, this could have been really good. 

Add more description and flavor to the text and broaden out the actual choices and world behind the adventure and this could be great.

-- FeanorOnForge on 10/21/2016 4:08:27 PM

Replace this:

That was interesting. The first ending I got lead me out and was probably the shortest route without any hope of adventure. Then I redid it. Died, died, then I succeeded the more adventureous way. I suppose it's pretty linear since a lot of the choices are death, but I'm not complaining. It was short and easy.

-- jkulibert2 on 4/25/2011 7:01:10 PM

*Move to Horror category:

Some fantasy elements, but the story leans more towards horror.

*Add Fantasy tag

===========================

New Kids, Old Kids, So Many Kids, in School!:

Mechanical wise, it was ok. I don't think you needed the large spacings between paragraphs because it was kind of unnecessary. Also, I think for the audience you were targeting this game toward, that this was an ok game. I personally would not put a game like this on this site because most of the people here are much older than your target audience. Other than that, ok. 

4/8

-- JMgskills on 5/2/2012 10:56:07 AM

I would recommend this storygame for goody-goody kids who happen to be under the age of 5. No offence, but children that young would probably not be able to use this site properly in any case. 

I always feel that this site is not meant for games like this, and that this would fit in more in, say, a children's site about bullying and related topics. On the bright side, the grammar was good and there were discussion questions that could help troubled kids or kids with problems...then again, those kids would most likely not be on this site. 4/8.

-- ck23838 on 7/2/2013 1:16:29 AM

Hmm.. It was a good story. A clear test of morals and a test on how well you can survive in the school environment. 

At the same time, it was very basic and simple. Not a lot of effort has been put into this, there were only few options, only one option on multiple pages, which kind of takes the idea of it being an adventure game if you can't decide your own fate. 

Perhaps add more detail and more decisions to make? 

I'll give this story a 4.

-- AL1B0 on 9/29/2014 8:47:24 AM

============================

Dead Territories:

I guess it was a decently enjoyable quick read. I like the fact that there is some backstory for each character, but there isn't really enough other than that to make any character stand out. There is some strange punctuation usage at times, and grammar was a little off sometimes but other than that the story flowed rather well. The biggest complaint I have is about the choices. While some of them lead to certain death, the 'not so good' choices where something bad happens to a character seems to have no dire effect on storyline appart from slightly different text, and on some occations, being unable to get the best ending. I think a reason for that is the shortness of the game? After that one part where majority of your actions takes place the story just ends...rather abruptly too. Really, improve that ending! I'm seriously unsatisfied with it. :(

-- DatFeeder on 11/7/2014 12:17:31 AM

========================

Chains:

It's well-written. Maybe a few too many "meaningful poetic imagery" moments, but nice to see something with some effort put into it. 
It seems as though this may have been intended as an illuminating portrayal of either depression, unrequited love, or both (it's a bit murky. ). If so, it doesn't really work: the narrator constantly berating you for giving up when it's the only available option comes off as didactic, forced, and self-indulgent. 

On the other hand, it's an absolutely brilliant success if it was meant to evoke the frustration experienced by friends/family of the depressive. 

Any semblance of caring I had about the character or what happened to him quickly vanished as I realized no matter what I said or did, he was just going to sit there and moan about the futility of everything. 
I just wanted the story to be over already, and yet to my great annoyance the narrator continued to blather ad nauseum about the character's despair and helplessness. 

Which is a masterful depiction of depression. 
on the one hand, you're experiencing tremendous pain and suffering that you can't find a way to escape, and when you try to explain it to anyone, they roll their eyes and tell you to get over yourself. 
On the other hand, someone you care about is suffering, and anything you do to try and help gets met with either nihilistic apathy or them wailing that you just don't understand. 

So, yeah. As a polemic on self-loathing it's fairly adequate.

-- Sethaniel on 4/23/2016 10:57:13 AM

I'll be honest, I quite like this. I like the way it went around in circles and the harder you try to struggle the faster you sink. Depression is a spiral and I think this story was quite a clever way of giving an example of this way of thinking. It is depressing and it definitely won't be to everyone's taste but subject matter aside I like the way you wrote and presented this. 

Personally I think the solution is to change perception and not see a prison but as many different means to escape that can be tried and tested continually, readapted and reattempted until you hit upon something that succeeds. Changing perception is not easy of course and this game doesn't offer any solutions (or if it did I didn't find them) it gives a realistic portrayal of effort and eventual despair. The message is a dark one but it's unfortunately a realistic one :) 

I'll be interested to see what other people make of this :)

-- Will11 on 4/23/2016 5:42:47 AM

The writing is very good and makes me eager to see what you might come up with in a more traditional story. This one, while I think I can see what you were trying to do, was frustrating. It's linear, and circular, and maybe that was the point but it seems to defeat the purpose of a CYOA format when most of the options are 'give up' and the rest are also 'give up', just worded differently to disguise them as choices.

-- mizal on 4/24/2016 10:27:42 AM

============================

Music Murder:

Remove CYOA Movie tag

=====================

Code Z:

Remove Fantasy tag

Remove War tag

Remove RPG tag

Add Part of Series tag

=================

Benta Sinco:

Add Fantasy tag

=============

The Finisher:

Remove War tag

Add Fantasy tag

===============

Treasure Adventure:

Move to Modern Adventure category:

The story has a few fantasy elements, but they are not the main focus and the story leans more towards Modern Adventure.

========================

The strangest apocalypse ever:

Move to Horror category:

It’s a zombie apocalypse story.

=========================

Action Research:

Move to Edutainment category:

It’s a simulation of work scenarios.

===========================

Link’s Escape:

Move to Fan Fiction category:

The source material is The Legend of Zelda: OOT.

=======================================

Captive… or not:

Remove CYOA Movie tag

"Hey look, it's a zombie apocalypse" should be moved to Horror  (currently in Sci-Fi Adventure)

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/hey-look,-it's-a-zombie-apocalypse

 

Recommending comments for featuring:

Warlords: Strategic Conquest

Very impressive, the writing was quite good and the choices required much mental planning. I immensely enjoyed that the game plays out differently depending on the character that you choose, that certainly provides this game the opportunity to be played and enjoyed more than once. 

It's obvious that plenty of effort went into making this capture the feeling of what it was like to be in war in those times. So much so, that I really found myself being immersed with the writing. 

This storygame is undoubtedly fun, in my opinion. ^^

-- TharaApples on 11/6/2016 2:23:32 AM with a score of 0

**************************************

are you happy with your choices? 

I really liked the message that you tried to convey with this. I couldn't personally relate with the characters, but I still understood their plight, as it could be quite hard to improve yourself to meet the standards that is expected of you. 

All in all, I feel that you did a rather good job with this story :)

-- TharaApples on 11/6/2016 2:42:24 AM

*********************************

1. Good writing, made me feel like I was in the shoes of these people. Although short length is often a problem, I didn't really think it was here. You could have made our choices have deeper affects/consequences, but nonetheless this is a fairly okay game on itself with realistic problems, ways to deal with them, and outcomes for our choices. 4/8

-- FazzTheMan on 6/25/2015 11:52:19 PM

2. Socially Important tag

3. Serious tag

4. Drama tag

**********************************

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

Well, this was quite interesting. Well-written but the story was rather odd, but then again, I suppose that was the intended effect. Quite interesting indeed, but I now will be looking over my shoulder for aliens everytime that I eat my vegetables. 

So points for originality :)

-- TharaApples on 11/6/2016 3:14:07 AM

(Delete the post before it, please. Thank you! ^^)

*********************************

5. I liked this, well written and different. It seems you might have chosen a more exciting premise for a story this well written but I guess it's semi-autobiographical or at least inspired by real events as some of the best stories are. You have a knack for writing but I think the endings could have been better and it's unfortunate that, as in real life, there is no way to get out of eating your vegetables in the end.

-- Will11 on 1/9/2015 3:05:26 AM

************************************

Recommending comment for deletion in: 

Fruits of Survival (Home Economics Game)

6. Liverpool is going to win the premier league.Why?It is because Jurgen Klopp is taking over as manager.Since Brandon Rogers left,Liverpool have been winning and is now in top 3 in the premier league table.YNWA

-- Philipe Coutinho on 10/24/2016 11:35:03 PM

******************************************

Recommending comments for featuring:

The Case of the Mondays

7. Whew. That was exhausting. And no, not to read, to play. You do have a nice idea here and a good setup. However, there are many logical errors. You can use the wallet anywhere and be teleported to the blackjack room. Your phone can ring when you have lost your phone. There are many dead-ends that can appear if you don't have the right item in hand. 

I do appreciate the story and the idea that you have here, but the executing is lacking. When testing, you should make sure that there are never and dead-ends that are dependent on items or the story becomes nothing but a non-stop frustration. I imagine that you are also not getting all that many reviews simply because people cannot find the end!

-- Ogre11 on 5/24/2016 1:46:56 PM with a score of 2

*********************************************

8. It's obvious that you put a lot of work into this, but after a couple days of frustration - I ended up just clicking random links and using every item on every page in order to find "hidden pages" that weren't eluded to in the page text. I'd imagine that most readers won't have the patience and will likely quit long before they stumble upon the "End Game" link. 

There is a nice story here, but it could've used more development. I didn't really understand what was happening until the final page, because the main body of the game was just short basic description and links that made me feel like I was just running around randomly and encountering all the surprise sudden death pages that had no warning. 

If you rework it, let me know. I'd be happy to replay it and give it a higher rating, but as it is - I can't see it getting more than a 3/8.

-- TheNewIAP on 5/23/2016 9:40:03 PM with a score of 2

*******************************************

Recommending storygame tags: 

Moose's colour adventure

9. Geared For Children

10. Animal Perspective

**********************************

Recommending comments for featuring in:

You!

It was certainly quite random, but I saw no apparent issues with the grammar and this storygame was rather serviceable in providing me with much entertainment. This certainly had a certain charm to it with all of the randomness. While this may not be for everyone, this isn't a bad story by any means and it is something that I found to be rather enjoyable. 

Bravo :)

-- TharaApples on 11/6/2016 4:15:50 AM

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11. Eh, as much as I love my detail (and mind, I love it a lot) I got to say that I actually enjoyed this. Huh, didn't think I would as I'm usually opposed to randomness in stories but oh well! 

A fun, little distraction. Kept me entertained for some time and had very good grammar and spelling (thank ye Gods). 6/8

-- Aducan on 9/26/2015 1:42:46 PM

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Seasons Change 

12. Drama tag

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Daydream Syndrome 

13. Fantasy tag

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Rat Story

14. Remove Part of Series tag

Recommended comments for featuring & tags.

Stuck at Montgomery Mall:

Poor man's version of The Wal*Mart Game. A good try, at least, and I am glad to say that your storytelling has improved to an extent, and your use of items and variables, while a bit flawed, was a nice touch. 

However, there are still grammar, storytelling, and spelling errors in many different places, and it seems as if you took most of your ideas directly from the Wal*Mart game. 

On the plus side, a few lines did induce some chuckling. For example, "Other purposes include: knocking out terrorists." made me snicker.

-- Doodled on 4/10/2012 4:51:47 PM with a score of 0

Move to Modern Adventure category:

Nothing remotely scary is in the game and it’s set in the modern world.

*Add Puzzle tag.

==============

The Darkness:

This is unrelated to the story but, if you know your game isn't the best then don't post it. Publish good games, not ones you know aren't the best. Also, I don't know how you "accidently" give yourself and 8. 

Now to your game. 

Not bad for your first attempt. 

It had a decent plot, good amount of options, and the descriptions were interesting at times. I kind of liked the powers that the character had as well. 

But, you need to break up your paragraphs and sentences. Also, there were grammar errors and you didn't even explain why there were people after me.(I think it was because of my powers but I don't know.) 

Keep trying. 

4/8

-- JMgskills on 5/11/2012 8:36:22 AM with a score of 0

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Play Time in a Ghost Park:

This game was cheesy and rather pointless. Often, I could not make sense of what the text meant. More than that, it was frustratingly linear and there was always a "right" choice--choosing the other choice just led to a link that was the other choice. 

On the bright side, the writing in itself wasn't too bad, just misleading and confusing. Not too bad for a first try, but I suggest that all new users make a few test games that they don't publish before actually publishing one, instead of publishing many bad games. This was a 3/8--fix it and it could be a 5.

-- ck23838 on 7/4/2013 12:58:37 PM

I'm sorry, this being your first game has nothing to do with grammar,unless English is a second language or something :P 
Definitely not the worst on the site, but that's not saying much since we get a lot of games that are garbage. 
It was very linear, with little detail or description. 
Still, the writing itself wasn't terrible, so hopefully you will make a Second game that is better.

-- Aman on 7/4/2013 6:36:49 PM

========================

the biggest choice of all:

I give you props for trying to write about a hard subject. It's not easy and kudos for trying. But there were some flaws. 

The grammar was off at times and you kind of made it where I didn't have any choices. I was just given a situation and had to make the best of it. Also, you could have made the game better by adding a male point of view. It is not only women who are concerned about abortion and showing a guy struggling with this would have made this game really good, in my opinion. 

3/8

-- JMgskills on 7/10/2012 1:18:28 AM

* Add Romance tag

* Add Socially Important tag

========================

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon:

Remove RPG tag

===============

A World War: 1941:

Move to Edutainment category:

Not set in the modern world and it is historical fiction.

Add War tag

=======================

Boys at School – For GIRLS

Add Romance tag

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Pam Meets Steve:

Add Romance tag

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First Adventure:

Move to Fantasy Adventure category:

Nothing scary and the game has fantasy elements.

Add Fantasy tag

============

Zombie Crisis:

Add Post-Apocalyptic tag

==================

ENG4U1 Seminar Game:

Add Fantasy tag

Recommending comment for deletion:

Fruits of Survival (Home Economics Game)

Liverpool is going to win the premier league.Why?It is because Jurgen Klopp is taking over as manager.Since Brandon Rogers left,Liverpool have been winning and is now in top 3 in the premier league table.YNWA

-- Philipe Coutinho on 10/24/2016 11:35:03 PM

I think that you may have featured this by accident... :b

Two points for catching this?! Lel

-100 points for presuming Endmaster's motive.

That comment is just purely nonsensical. I'm sure he meant to delete it x)

Don’t even remember looking at this story, even for comment featuring.

Anyway, deleted. Not like that commenter was a real person being a filthy drive by guest and all.

I think you featured mine and Briar's comment on that story from before. Ah, I certainly think it's a pretty fun read. It's all educational about food and stuff.

Recommending storygames for tagging:

Normal Norman 

1. Humor tag

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Captured!  

2. Science Fiction

3. War

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Recommending comment for deletion:

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

4. very poopy

-- june on 10/9/2016 5:53:08 PM

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The Make-Believe Sandbox

5. Drama tag

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The Dragon Quiz!

6. Fantasy tag 

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Recommending game for unpublishing: 

Under The House 

7. Reasoning: Meets the rating criteria, I suppose :p

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Recommending comment for featuring:

The Mayoral Campaign

8. This was a very interesting simulation of an electorial campaign but while it is grammar-perfect and employs an impressive amount of variable reasoning there are two suggestions I would make: 

- I was never sure how much money I had to support my choices throughout the campaigns. I think a Variable score of Money would be easy to implement and invaluable throughout the story. 

- I was never entirely sure what issues and policies I was running on and what exatly my opponent's position was in opposition to these, to present a counter-argument all I could do was endorse an oppositional propoganda campaign. 

I would also suggest that the way the districts voted was not especially noticable between the different elections as if the different districts had different preferences (like Conservative, Liberal, etc) it was not very clear. 

This is a strong game from an excellent author employing some exceptional talent with variables but I think it needs a little more development. A story with this amount of potential can have a strong plot line behind it (the film "Milk" springs to mind as does 'Lincoln", though the latter is a different sort of concept) and I think this could be extended further into something much stronger. 

As this grammar-perfect and strong piece of rationale now stands I would rate it a 5/8 but with more work to refine these difficult variables it could be near-perfect :)

-- Will11 on 10/5/2015 1:06:16 PM with a score of 0

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Recommending storygame for tagging:

Behemoth

9. Fantasy tag 

The things you should know but probably don’t quiz:

This was bad for a few reasons. 
Your style of writing and grammar kept changing throughout the quiz. The quiz was very easy for me also. 

"Infinite is the highest number" - Infinity is not a number; it is the name for a concept. There are no numbers bigger than infinity, but that does not mean that infinity is the biggest number, because it's not a number at all. For the same reason, infinity is neither even nor odd. 

"you make Einstein look dumb" - You do realize Einstein was a scientist, you had no science questions in this entire quiz....

-- Madbrad200 on 7/6/2014 11:57:13 AM

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The White Face:

goosebumps, you are a good writer. You need to spend some more time expanding your storyline before posting a story though... There isn't much of a story here, you just go to the water and check out a ship and then the story ends after you do one or two things. 

Go to the ship, shoot someone, die - this is not a story. 

Go to the ship, shoot someone, barely escape, lead an raid on the white-man, battle ensues, win or lose the battle, the after effect of the battle - this is a story. 

Expand on what you have, and what you will have is gold.

-- donteatpoop on 11/1/2007 8:12:45 PM

Could be an interesting story, but there are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors, and the story is too short to really get into, even after I tried several paths.

-- madglee on 11/15/2007 10:42:40 AM

Even though the paragraphs were large and I see you've spent some time writing, the many grammatical errors make it look like you rushed. Take your time, develop the story more, and remember to go back and edit. It's an excellent idea, but there's room for improvement.

-- Anubis on 1/2/2009 2:51:53 PM

======

Running:

Okay, that was a fun little game to play. The grammar was superb and the writing was good as well. 

In a story, there might be a problem/plothole you encounter whilst reading. This problem might be occuring frequently, and sometimes you can just ignore it and brush it off, but in this one, it was impossible to ignore. There are two of thse problems I faced here. 

First off, Sarah is such a stupid idiot. And you can't look over this one, no, Sarah is either very stupid or is deaf. Her parents CLEARLY told her to "not open the door". WHY can't she just follow this rule? If she didn't open it and just went back to the stupid movie, none, and I mean NONE, of this would've happened. Why does she even bother to go to the door anyways? Can she not hear her parents' words? If your parents CLEARLY told you to not open the door, then why would you open it, let alone stand in fear before it. Just ignore it and go back to the movie! But no, for whatever reason, she feels as though she has to arm herself and then open the door, or either open the door with nothing to protect herself. 

Although I can see why she would need to open the door in order to have the story go on, this was still a plothole. I'm not sure you can even do anything about it, since this whole storygame revolves around her being the stupid deaf person that she is and opening the door. It seems to me like a common cliche you were trying to use, like something out of a bad horror flick. 

The second one was the deal with the criminal. Who is he? In one ending, he takes Sarah away in a van and she "is never seen again". In the ending(s) where she calls the police at the neighbor's house, all that happens is the guy being taken away. We don't even get to, or have the chance to learn anything about him. In the next passage we learn he has a gun. And in the next, he is referred to as a "burglar". 

"noun - a person who commits burglary. synonyms: robber, housebreaker, cat burglar, thief, raider, looter, safecracker, intruder, prowler;" 

-Google. Keywords: Define Burglar 

So make up your mind, Dearest Author. What is he? A predator? A burglar? A prowler? Some sort of deranged psycopath? If we got some more backstory about him, and more than "He took Sarah in his van, she is never seen again" that would be really convenient. I felt the mystery of this strange person to be a large plothole. 

Or maybe he really doesn't need a backstory at all, maybe you should just stop referring him as different things, and changing him around from one passage to the next. EXAMPLE: In one passage he kills her, the next he puts her in a van. This type of thing needs to go bye-bye, and we either have the van or the kill. 

Lastly (and this is out of the "no ignore" category) if the author could use descriptive language to paint the scenery in the reader's mind, that would help as well. You could write very good, but unless you have descriptive language thrown SOMEWHERE around there to paint images of various scenes in the reader's mind, than it is still bad and needs work. EXAMPLE: I played through this whole thing for roughly 20 minutes, and got mulitple endings. Yet, I still have no clue how the criminal/burglar/preadtor/prowler/housebreaker/thief/drunk teenager/etc looks like. He could be black, he could be white, he could be tall, he could be slight. We need some descriptivity. 

I give this a 5/8. 

Please, correct the changes needed in this story, and I thank you in advnace. 

P.S. What does "running" have to do with the story at all. As far as I know, the only time Sarah ran was when she had to get to the neighbors.

-- Fazz on 8/4/2014 1:30:57 AM

I'm giving you a 3. The game is not awful but there are some things holding it back. But before I get to that I want to start with the good. 

I liked your attempt at a plot. You wouldn't believe how many people starting out on this site literally have no point to their games. Secondly, I liked that the story, though briefly, was suspenseful. I know that when I was younger that being home alone freaked me out and so your idea of a young girl, who probably doesn't know how to defend herself, is a scary thought. 

In that regard, kudos. 

On the other hand, I did feel some things were lacking, like detail. Like I have already said, the plot and setting was a good start but I didn't feel all that threatened. When a man held a gun to my head, something that came out of nowhere by the way, you didn't describe him. Was he black,white, or asian? Tall or short? Have hair or not? I had nothing to go on. 

Also, when there was knocking on the door why did she open it? I had no choices to say no to it and it was either grab a bat and then gun to the head or open it anyway(Something which didn't seem like a good idea). 

Finally, my parents were pretty awful. How come they left a young girl by herself without someone(At least a neighbor) watch out for her? And when she did call they just brushed it off like she was joking or being silly(As if something like that is funny). 

All in all, it could have been executed better. Now I'm not saying take it down or that you're awful. 

You're absolutely not. 

What I am saying is that it has some things to improve on.

-- JMgskills on 4/21/2013 11:10:33 PM

Awesome Does Not Approve (With Sympathy) 
Now, I don't see why everyone is hating on this story so much (length maybe?). This story is actually really good, for a first shot at least. I like the approach of suspense at the start, but other than that, the two-option-per-page thing didn't really work out. It's either one or the other, where if the situation was faced in reality, there could be a variety of options (Can I run out the back to the neighbor's house? How about just hide?). But although it lacked a real plot, I think that the wordplay was quite clever (Not as in references or anything, but in the Mood displayed). All in all, major things to work on: 

Set Up For Longer Gameplay- Two Options For A Page Isn't Always Bad. 

Don't settle for less- At The Start, The Pages Were Meaty And Long, But As The Game Progressed, They Got Shorter. 

Plot- Going Hand In Hand With Length, A Good Plot Can Really Help Lengthen The Story. Why Is SHE Being Kidnapped? Who Is Her Kidnapper? Can She Attempt An Escape From The Van? 

DETAIL- Major One Here. I Know Nothing About My Kidnapper If I Lose. Now, I'm Not Saying To Give Everything Away At The Start, But Slowly Drop Some Information In So I Can Get Familiar With The Characters. 

Now that you have this, please start over and work some things in. This has a lot of potential in being a great Storygame. 
3/8 

-- awesomeness1242 on 4/28/2013 10:39:20 PM

====================================

*Insert Title Here*:

Well you are very creative which is good but it might be useful to channel it at least a little. This wasn't quite random as things linked together but it looked like a big splodge of ideas with the reader starting in the centre and working their way out down one of the trails. 

In terms of spelling and grammar I think the speed that you write at causes a few errors to slip by and once you're done you don't go and read back. That's ok, a lot of authors don't reread their finished stories once it's out of their system but your story might be enjoyed more if you spent a little extra time refining and tweaking all this creativity. 

The reader's character also seems to be as horny as hell which may be his defining feature (it's clearly a he). It's noticeable and makes the story appeal to a certain kind of readership but I suspect all this rush of creativity will be a marmite kind of thing, people will either like it or it won't be the sort of thing they enjoy. 

I was impressed by the originality and sheer detail of the different branches but for me it was a bit too creative and random to be considered a story, more a set of interesting and sometimes funny experiences.

-- Will11 on 8/14/2015 10:42:01 AM

Alright, I'm going to get this out of the way first: this is more or less better than a majority of what I've rated in the past. Take that as a compliment because this review's gonna get rocky now! 

There's several grammatical errors spread throughout this game, including some within the game's actual description, so I advise you to quickly scan through and read the game outloud to nab the slickier ones when you have time. The structure of the sentences is also rather bothersome, why do you feel the need to press enter at the end of nearly every sentence? The writing in itself is also rather bare-bones, it shouldn't take all that much work to put some more effort into your descriptions, I can already imagine how I would personally describe the scene in which you escape the musty and grim alleyway into the sunlight. 

Secondly, you should really remove some of your tags. This CYOA is definitely not 'serious' nor have I seen evidence of this being a quiz either. A lot of these tags just don't fit! If this is considered partially a romance, this is one of the worst romantic tagged games when it comes to the actual romance. Thus far, it appears that the only lovin' in this game is the character seeing an attractive girl he knows nothing about and verbally and psychically others in order to 'impress' her. Laaamee! 

This game really isn't anything special, it's just average. 

4/8

-- DashingDeer on 8/14/2015 5:23:52 AM

=========

File Finder:

While I love the /idea/ of this, it needs a lot of work in the actual execution. For one thing, you need to include what the game is about in the game itself, not just your description. We get a one sentence first page that tells us nothing. Who is Emily, who is Jimmy, (names that WEREN'T mentioned even in the description, by the way) and what is any of the context here? NFI, the game just assumes you know these things without bothering to explain it. 

For a game like this, you need to learn scripting. It shouldn't be possible to do zero investigating and then just answer a yes or no question to win. 
 

-- mizal on 5/24/2016 10:33:25 AM

==================

Prometheus Academy:

Maybe I didn't give this game enough credit in my first review. Ever since I played this, it's been growing on me and sticking in my head. 

Prometheus Academy is a story about superpowers. Specifically, a superpower school. But what could've been another, generic, Sky High clone instead turned out to be one of the best games on this site. You see, Prometheus Academy isn't a school for heroes... it's a school for villains. 

You play as Mia, a young girl who had her family massacred by an explosion. An explosion that could've been prevented if the Crimson Cape, the flying brick archetype of the story, would've been the tiniest bit more careful. 

After being recruited into Prometheus Academy, you get a badass cyborg arm and eye to replace the ones you lost. At this point, the game takes on a rather 'unique' school dynamic. Every student is cussing, swearing, and beating the shit out of each other in some way or another. 

The game becomes very much linear at this point, which was an understandable disappointment. The story transitions into picking groups of classes, picking the choices that obviously correspond with what you would've learned in those classes, and enjoying an ending. 

That's where Steve's writing shines the most, though. Each ending is thrilling in its own right. Mia doesn't feel empty or jump for joy after killing the Crimson Cape, she just feels... satisfied. Just satisfied. That's when you realize she either let go of her family a long time ago, or didn't ever love them in the first place. 

Either way, Mia just wanted to get away with killing the city's greatest hero. And that, is fucking awesome.

-- Charaxes on 9/30/2016 1:06:38 PM with a score of 0

The story was great. I like how each character had their own unique personality that is easily identifiable between them. The plot was quite interesting and I enjoyed the environment that was around. The writing was alright except for a few typos here and there but nothing to devastating. However, I did feel there was a lack of variety in the choices you could make. It felt very linear to me in that there was only one choice that would make you win the game. In addition, I felt the ending was kind of anti-climactic, brushed over and rushed. Don't get me wrong, the ending was fitting for your character and satisfying (don't want to give away spoilers) but it just was very disappointing considering everything that had led up to it. Overall, I enjoyed the story and had a great time going through it. It kept my attention and I was engaged until the very end. I give this game a 6/8. Pretty solid!

-- SharpSniper14 on 7/26/2016 1:27:27 PM with a score of 0

==============================================

Snow Love:

Your writing varies, at some points it's pretty good, and at other points it's lacking. For example, "Quickly unlocking the door, he puts me down on the nearby couch, then quickly runs into the bedroom. He soon quickly returns, carrying some pajamas and a large blanket." You need to refine your writing. Go over and make sure things are done right. 

You should also proofread more because of lines like this, "Your what?! IT'S MY LIVE! What gives you the right to tell what to do or not?" 

I would like to see greater branching. The story was good enough that I'd like to explore more branches of it.

-- ugilick on 6/19/2013 11:28:48 PM

====================================

a girl who you do not know lives in your house:

Change to 4/8 maturity rating:

Has implications of self-harm and other heavy-handed topics, but not enough to deserve a 7/8.

Change to 1/8 Difficulty rating:

“No possible way to lose”

Add Socially Important tag

====================

The Bloods: Chapter 1

Remove RPG tag

Add Fantasy tag

===============

Survive as a leader:

Add Post-Apocalyptic tag

==================

Dog Captivity:

Add Animal Perspective tag

=========================

Your Adventure in Wonderland:

Remove RPG tag

Add Fantasy tag

==============

Wolf Adventures:

Move to Everything Else category:

No fantasy elements, it is a realistic simulation of a wolf and it does not belong in any other category.

=======

Dog Life:

Add Animal Perspective tag

====================

Bob and His Adventure:

Add Fantasy tag

File Finder was dogshit and realistically shouldn't have escaped the two star purge. Not quite sure how it scraped by with a three. (I specifically remember this story because of how angry and defensive the author got, he PMed me and a few others IIRC. And ranted in the comments too, though it looks like that part was removed...)

Sad how some people can't handle criticism. 

Well, just because Ogre messaged me before about my comments on his stories... I'm sure he wouldn't mind and I just couldn't wait for Banner to find them (sorry!), so without further ado :D

Recommending comments for featuring:

The Quick Dating Game

I won! Now I must contemplate on whether that's good or not :P Anyway, this game was quite hilarious, I found the satire to be done rather well and there was certainly never a dull moment. As for the writing and dialogue, I give a thumbs up on both of those fronts :) 

I wouldn't mind reading another story like this or a possible sequel in the future, as this was definitely one of the most humorous storygame that I've found to be genuinely funny.

-- TharaApples on 11/6/2016 11:33:15 PM with a score of 0

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The Adventures of Rory Thorn in Math Class 

I very much enjoyed this :) The story was something that grabbed my interest and had me wanting to read more when everything was said and done. 

I wouldn't mind going on more small adventures with Rory. This was definitely a storygame that I found to be pretty interesting, and a pretty good school-based one at that :)

-- TharaApples on 11/7/2016 2:45:44 PM with a score of 0

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It is always a relief to see Ogre11's name under a new story because with some authors you just know whether the story is good or bad :) This is a typical classic story in the choose your own adventure style: interesting, imaginative and you know your choices really matter and change the story completely. Another great addition to the School Genre :D

-- Will11 on 11/13/2015 3:12:25 AM with a score of 0

(Almost forgot to include Will's comment. Derp.)

Haven't done this in awhile.

Recommending a comment for featuring:

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/monster-trivia

It's an *okay* trivia game. There are some issues however.

For one, the HTML used on the starting page (where you're reading this) is really not needed. It hides buttons for no real reason and does not at all fit with the site. Either actually take the effort to make it look good, or don't do it at all. That being said, the styling used in game is fairly simple, good and makes things stand out.

As for the questions, you're probably going to lose interest if you're not into horror. They're fairly mundane questions, most of which reuse answers and become repetitive as a result.

The most glaring issue for me is the lack of a clear answer on some questions. Example, "which of the following is not considered a part of the living". Two of the answers available are daemon, and ghost. Maybe this is just me, but I wouldn't consider either of those to be a part of the living.

Then there's the confusing and ambiguous "this entity can kill by biting or scratching" questions, which happen multiple times, and include answers like zombies, wear wolves or vampires at the same time. It should be clear to the knowledgeable person what the answer is, and on these questions I didn't feel there was a clear answer (and I don't believe blaming the reader is a constructive way of rebutting that).

To conclude, it's a fairly mundane but casual quiz with horror themes. For some it may be a bit too long, but I felt the length was okay. The scoring system could have been more in-depth, but it's there. Worth a try if you're board and looking for a horror quiz to do. 'Tis the season afterall.

p.s, I've totally forgot if I need to use HTML here, so if this is all one paragraph, totally not my fault (it is) -- Madbrad200 on 10/28/2016 1:51:28 AM with a score of 122

Recommending a comment for featuring:

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/a-little-something-about-the-philippines

An unique quiz that can get tricky near the end.

The quiz is fairly simple. The questions are all just random trivia regarding the Philippines. A question is followed by the correct answer, and some more relevant information which I thought was nice.

That said, the questions aren't all that interesting. They aren't focusing on a specific field, or topic of interest.

I mean, I get that it's a quiz about the Philippines, but why not make it more focused than that? Why not be about the geography or history of the country (or even better, split it into parts of varying topics).

Currently the quizzes questions are just...bland? Most of them were easy for me so I'm not learning much, and when I am, it's just uninteresting trivia.

The biggest issue here is the non-existent scoring issue (which the author said they'd fix, but evidently didn't). You either keep track of how many questions you got right, or you end on a rather disappointing note.

-- Madbrad200 on 10/28/2016 2:10:22 AM

These are the best comments left on The Elle Files: Peril at Dandelion Hills. It currently has no featured comments.

The Elle Files: Peril at Dandelion Hills

I really liked this game. I'm all for puzzles and this had a few that intermingled quite nicely. There were a lot of bugs with the features which is something you'll just get better with as you learn more about the AE. My problem is more with spelling/grammar mistakes, some whole words were actually missing from sentences! My advise would be to do what you're doing, but then take more care and proof read and play test it more thoroughly.

-- Zikara on 6/20/2011 4:33:17 PM with a score of 800

Ugh, ignore thisisBo. He/she posts those things everywhere and hasn't even made a single storygame yet. You took all the advice/criticism I gave you in your last game and applied them. I can't say enough good things about this game- recipes and food pics made my mouth water, puzzles were logically sound, just enough backstory and easter eggs to tie to the rest of the series, good character development, not too hard, not too easy for me- I would rate it Difficult however relative to other puzzle games. I think that this game deserves to be featured in the Mystery section if you clean up all the mistakes. If you go over every single page yourself, you'll see a lot of them. If you used the cell phone early on in the game, there was no link to go back and you were stuck! You need to double check every page in your story before publishing it. Keep writing mysteries/puzzle stories!

-- urnam0 on 6/20/2011 4:20:55 AM with a score of 800

Paul’s Health Project:

I feel like with some of the more important decisions, you should have more options. There is a radical difference between a school shooting and "dealing with bullies in your own way." I feel like we should also be able to turn down the cigarette and other choices like that. I think its been said, the story by its nature could do with some more choices. That said, there was an impressive difference in the outcomes based on your decisions and a fair number of endings.

-- ugilick on 4/13/2013 11:44:51 AM

As a health project, this is pretty nice, except for the fact that you're telling the reader the reprocussions of their actions right after they do it. Sure it would explain the downward spiral one might take in life, but might it have been a tad bit different if you waited until the end of the story to tell the causes of those actions? 

Well, that's your choice.

-- Swiftstryker on 4/6/2013 4:11:41 AM

=======================

The Castle Escape:

The game mechanics are alright and work smoothly without bugs, even if it is a little easy. It was, for the most part, well written. But the story, or lack of it, left me feeling meh. It might also have been nice if there were endings where you leave the castle but with a different outcome where you gain something or something unusual happens.

-- 31TeV on 9/24/2014 7:13:26 AM

======================

A boring day:

Well... that was... interesting? I'm really not sure what to make of it. It was a little strange, mainly because nothing was really making any sense, especially the dream bit which added nothing to the story and confused me... and the squid? Where does some random squid come from? What type of person shoves themselves up a squid for others' amusement? The game was also extremely linear, thus restricting it to one pathline, which is a direct offense to interactive storytelling.

-- FazzTheMan on 6/23/2015 12:57:39 AM

=========================

Cold Hands:

It felt a bit like two stories that were not connected, the first was a school-based one with no clear direction while the second was a typical tragic love story. I think my favourite line was "that night unspeakable things happened" which is great for the imagination. What went down? A mute's convention? A mime's audition? A sleeping lions competition? :) It reminded of Gone with the Wind where the hero carries his wife upstairs and the camera fades to black... in a romance story don't be afraid to dwell a little on the physical side of the romance as well as the emotional as readers love that kind of thing :) Overall ok written but needs more consistency.

-- Will11 on 2/6/2015 11:58:51 PM

As Sethaniel pointed out below, this story lacks overall development, and suffers from issues related to pacing. It could be better by extending the overall story, and developing important plot points, while quickly reviewing (but not full-on explaining) minor events and such. 

Overall, it's not too bad, since I have seen FAR worse. But, I will admit that some of my past homework assignments have been more fun than this story. So, I give your tale a 3/8.

-- LeoScales7 on 2/6/2015 8:47:21 PM

There was some good description. The story stated off promising, but overall fell short. 
the beginning need a little more setup- it took too long for me to figure out who the player was supposed to be. Too many choices where I don't know if I'm male or female, how old I am, etc. 
More importantly, the pacing was way way off. You spent 90% of the story on the missing bag, talking to mom, little sister, snowball fight. Then within the space of three pages, I meet a guy, we fall instantly in love, and I die. 
You spent a good amount of time building up the daily life of the heroine, and none at all on the actual romance,

-- Sethaniel on 2/6/2015 3:20:31 PM

============================

Seasons Change:

Well my Dad sure will be surprised when I tell him his only son has become a lesbian :) On a serious note this is a beautifully written story in the style of Snow and Farewell my Childhood Self. A good mix of choices and development there but I would have liked to see the relationship and experiences explored in more detail, getting into a relationship as a teenager is a scary enough experience but getting into a gay relationship as a teenager in a judgemental society, I imagine that's pretty emotionally challenging. 7/8

-- Will11 on 3/8/2015 10:48:11 PM

=====================

Big Brother:

Oh yay! By playing Twister I won Big Brother! Okay, this was a bit too short for me. Three choices and I win the show, leaving as a millionaire. There could be more choices and decisions that weren't so obvious. There could be twists and turns or even a popularity variable by using the advanced editor. 

Other than that, the grammar wasn't too bad and I don't think this is a "rubbish" game, but it definitely has lots of potential improvements to be made. If this is a first game, it isn't too bad. 4/8.

-- ck23838 on 7/6/2013 1:10:55 PM

============================

The Drugs That Won’t Stop The Nightmares, Chapter 1:

After having played several times: The writing is quite decent, but the story is much too short. I like that there are more than a few possible paths, but every branch ends after no more than two or three pages. I think this probably contributes to the lack of attachment we feel for the protagonist. Suggestion: Are we intended to be the same person in every story? If so- rather than end and leave comments at the end of each branch, force the player to move through each room sequentially, ie whatever ending one gets for dining room, instead of ending game, move on to living room, and so forth. This would lengthen the game and give more of a sense of a continually repeating nightmare. With each iteration of the dream, the player could learn more about who the character is, and perhaps why he is in this dream world.

-- Sethaniel on 4/6/2010 11:46:27 AM

This is a classic example of a writer trying to find his own style by changing the rules of grammar to suit his whims. It really doesn't work and all it does do is distract the reader. When you use more sentence fragments than actual sentences, the reader no longer is able to focus on your plot and can only attempt to struggle through reading your words. Essentially, they cannot see what you are saying, they can only see how you are saying it. You need to learn to write in conventional English before you will be able to properly tell a story. Cut out the sentence fragments, stop repeating yourself and find a way to use words instead of grammar to convey a mood. I suggest reading the top storygames on the site (particularly anything by Endmaster) to see what I'm saying.

-- JJJ-thebanisher on 3/25/2010 11:02:32 AM

=================================

Uprise:

 Well, for your first CYS, it was decent. This will be my first review on the site, so I guess we are both new to this. There will be some spoilers here. 

Some comments- 

Pertaining to the length and age rating: I would say 4 and 5 respectively. It took me around 20 minutes most to finish and I noticed only a few swear words. 

Plot and Story: It's your typical zombie apocalypse scenario. That's not a bad thing, but the genre is pretty saturated and you have to do something interesting to distinguish yourself from the rest, which I don't really think you do that here. You start off working at your poor paying job, and then your co-worker, Tom, randomly says they're here and collapses. Then, the world turns into chaos, except for the store that our character works at. Although the main character locks the doors, you would think people would be breaking in any way possible. Tom and yourself are pretty damn calm the whole time too, despite that Grammy got EATEN right in front of you and people are screaming outside. While the characters did show interaction with their environment, you would think they would be in a bit of a hurry devising a plan. What I'm trying to get at here is the story has some unrealistic elements that appear throughout the story, which is distracting to the reader(or me anyways). Also the story is too short to establish characters you want to, at least somewhat, care about. Which brings me to my next point. The characters didn't stand out. The one I found most interesting would be the girl with the Australian accent carrying the girl, but other than that, the characters were a blur. 

Grammar and spelling: Spelling wise, I didn't find any errors. For some reason, I felt like there were too many hyphens, but I think that's just me. 

Concluding thoughts: As I review my review, I find myself talking about negatives, but your story is adequate. I feel like if you made the characters both likable and have their actions realistic, while also extending the story, you have a good, solid, written piece of work. Keep writing, you'll only get better and better, Good luck! :)

-- LNFyle on 6/4/2015 3:08:18 AM with a score of 0

10/10 would sleep again. 

Besides that point, the story was...pretty mediocre, at best. Not that it wasn't good on its own, but there needed to be something...some more explanation to really allow the reader to grip onto what you're writing. With the lack of background content put into the story, it's mostly another walk-along the lane of more zombies, more biting people, more creatures, blegh. 

Still, though, I'm looking forward to a longer extension of this. There is potential in the story, depending on where you're going with it.

-- ______ on 6/4/2015 12:57:55 PM with a score of 0

==========

The Dreamcage:

Not bad. It's great that you took people's advice and edited the game. Most writers (if you can even call them that) on this site continually put out garbage and never listen to anyone's criticism and they never improve. 

But you, on the other hand, actually care about putting out something worthwhile, so I give you props for that. Still though, this game has some flaws still. 

There are still a few spelling and grammar errors which were present. But didn't detract from the story in any way. Also the fact that this is unfinished and a 'part 1'. My rule is, a story needs to be atleast a length of 6/8 to have an extra part. Because it means it can stand alone as a story and not just a "Chapter" for say. Most people do not finish their series after promising so. 
Other than that, the writing was fairly good and I think it was an okay read. 

4/8 from me. 

-- SonicTurboTurtle on 3/24/2016 5:37:29 PM with a score of 0

Well, that was... interesting... To be honest I don't quite know what to think about this story, though I have the feeling that a cat is creeping up at me as I'm writing this. The writing in general was great, but shortness of each scene and the random, random randomness to me make it feel like a bad game. 

I think this is mostly because of the rapid fire of completely different, short stories you fire at the reader. This has the kind of confusing, estranging effect on the reader. 

I'd say take the individual scenes and turn them into full stories, cause some of them were very decent. 

I've given it a 4/8, mostly because I really am still trying to figure out what I've just read...

-- Romulus on 8/4/2014 7:56:20 AM with a score of 0

=====================

Cougar Crossing: Imminent Threat

This story is pretty random, and a leaves a lot of questions to the reader that it shouldn't. What is this clubhouse that you speak of? Where am I? Who am I? Where did a bunch of Cougars come from? 

I think that this story should be properly worded better as well, so as to not leave those questions to the reader. 

Its a very strange plot, where apparantly a bunch of cougars attack your "clubhouse". I think that, although there were multiple endings, the writing/plot wasy short enough and it could be extended in more ways than one. For example, adding more choices could have helped. I liked the garage scene where you had to guess the code as well, although it was pretty obvious once you got "3" and "1" where it would go. Its a simple pattern, but I guess that's as to not frustrate the reader. However, leaving some clues in other areas as to the password would help. Also, having more scenes (whcih I guess adds onto the "more choices") would also further the story, which would leave the reader with a better end feeling. 

The writing was at least good enough. I caught some mispellings and other grammatical errors, but it was better than most with 4/8-and-below ratings. 

4/8.

-- Fazz on 8/4/2014 5:44:25 PM

====================

The Land Of Bad Writing:

Well constructed sentences making fun of other writers in an attempt to educate! I'm not sure what to say. You accomplish your goal but it wasn't my cup of tea. Maybe if some of the examples of bad writing were longer you'd be able to get the point across better. Most were a good length but there were a few that was like... "what's he trying to say here?" oh well, all in all you do show of your grasp of the English language well.

-- BigRonn77 on 9/27/2016 12:09:44 PM

It was good. 

There was too much reading though. 

My favourite part was when you suddenly fall asleep and enter this world called the land of bad writing where you get to go through doors listed as different things like: Authors Fantasies, bad writing, characters, plot, and special features. And then in each of those doors there were four more doors on different subjects according to which door you chose. Oh yeah and WARNING SPOILER ABOVE. 

This didn't have any warrior cats in it! ?? 1/8. 

brjejeidiejeidj (+1 Exp point awarded to "needywriter0025") 

Suddenly you wake up from the land of bad comments and discover a comment from a person who had a lot of fun reading this story, and thinks that it is a great guide to new writers and has even learnt a thing or two himself about character. Therefore rating the game 6/8. 
 

-- SonicTurboTurtle on 9/10/2015 11:32:35 PM

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Highschool Lockdown:

Remove Socially Important

=====================

Wolf Pack:

Remove RPG tag

==========

The Very Best:

Move to Fan Fiction category:

The source material is Pokemon.

Remove RPG tag

==============

Brains:

Add Post-Apocalyptic tag

================

TWD: Zombie Apocalyspe:

Add Post-Apocalyptic tag

Apocalypse Then

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/apocalypse-then

Add Post-Apocalyptic tag

Remove Puzzle tag

 

 

Without You (1)

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/without-you-(1)

Add romance tag

==============================================

7 Years' War

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/7-years'-war

Move to Edutainment (Currently in Modern Adventure)

===============================================

The Robot

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-robot

remove serious tag

================================================

Aloe's Disappearance

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/aloe's-disappearance

Move to Fan Fiction (Currently in Mystery/Puzzle)

Add Animal Perspective tag

Remove Based off a true Story tag

Recommending comments for featuring:

Clover Seven: Ace Attorney - Episode 1: Turnabout Museum!

This storygame was rather fun. It did quite a decent job in emulating the cases that are present in the Phoenix Wright series, so it gets points there. I only wish that the trial could've been just a tad tougher but I suppose it offered enough of a challenge for anyone that's either familiar or not with the actual series :) 

While this was decent, there was some mistakes with grammar that would somewhat ruin the flow of the story for me at times, but it didn't ruin my enjoyment on a large scale. I found the use of items to be done well enough, but I couldn't help but feel that this game had the potential to be much more. In terms of story and choices, because the case ended when I really was beginning to get into it. 

Ah, but still, this storygame did enough things well for me to find it quite fun.

-- TharaApples on 11/10/2016 8:38:27 PM with a score of 0

(Delete my comment below this one, please.)

*************************************

Clover Seven: Ace Attorney - Episode 2: The Party Killer Turnabout 

I got ending rank B :) Well, this game was certainly an improvement from the last, as this case provided a bit more difficulty and thinking that was required for me to even get the ending that I received. 

One other thing that kept me playing was the humor. It was in abundance and the small interactions between certain characters made me legitimately laugh a few times. It did this while maintaining the overall feeling of a Ace Attorney game, for the most part, that is. 

Some issues with grammar and typos seemed to have returned from the first in this series. Some misspellings were rather jarring at times and sometimes disrupted the overall flow of the pace of this game. Ah, but when they're not focused on so intently, the game really takes off and becomes a fun, humorous ride. 

These storygames really are a good addition to the Fan Fiction category on this site, but I feel that it would've been even better if it had just a bit more polish.

-- TharaApples on 11/10/2016 11:25:26 PM with a score of 2

*********************************************

Welp, that was fun! I've got some problems with your game, but overall I enjoyed it. I love the Ace Attorney/Investigations games, so I knew I'd love your Clover Seven series. So far, so good. I noticed significant improvement from the first case to the second. In hopes of helping you get better, I'm gonna tell you (in my opinion) what went right and what went wrong. It's up to you to take my constructive criticism or not, yo. 

The GOOD: 
-The Humor. Some of it's a bit tongue-in-cheek, but that's EXACTLY what one would expect from an AA game. I loved some of the banter between characters and the humor expressed in the courtroom. You took it a bit further with Ed and the Judge; both seem slightly crazy and in their own world. Colorful characters like them are what make the game great. 
-The Main Characters: I don't know too much about him just yet, but I'm enjoying playing from Clover's perspective. I assume we'll learn more about him and our rival prosecutor in games to come, and I actually can't wait. Ed clearly has some backstory bubbling under the surface as well. Oh, and the Judge is admittedly insane. I LOVE IT! 
-The Trial: Cross Examination (Press/Objection) actually works pretty well in its current format. Although the watch works the same as the magatama, I still enjoyed its inclusion in the game and hope it becomes a larger element subsequently. The logic leaps in presenting evidence aren't that large (there were a couple toughies, but I understood the relevance after getting it right). 

The NOT SO GOOD: 
-The Grammar: Your story is in dire need of some cleanup. I get the gist of what is being said, but the misspellings and improper sentence structure can be jarring at times. Get someone to proofread your scripts for you, or run it through WORD before applying it to the page. 
-The Facts: Be careful with how certain elements of the story are presented. In a game that relies heavily on logical puzzles, it is IMPERATIVE that everything lines up for the player to assess themselves. For example: At one point you're talking to the defendant in the detention center. When asked a question, they clearly state that the answer doesn't matter because they ""don't have a specific item anymore"". You sense they're lying but leave it be, that's fine. However, FOUR LINES later, the defendant gives you the item they just claimed to not have. It's not even questioned. It was confusing as to whether that was an important fact or not. A good proofreading should squash these inconsistencies. Again, have someone else check your work for facts and flow. Polish is what can bring a game from great to fantastic! 
-The "Press": Clover seems to be quite the redundant thought process. Most of his "Press" statements/questions simply ask what the witness was about to state anyway. Fluff the dialogue up a bit. This is where you can potentially learn things about the case or other people that you didn't know before. It doesn't have to be relevant to the case, either; it can be something fun for the reader or just a little character development via someone's opinions. 


Anyway, I'm done rambling. I hope you don't take offense to my suggestions. Whether you do or don't, I'll be playing the next Clover Seven game. I needs my Ace Attorney fix! You're doing a good job so far, and I commend you for your creativity and seeing these games through completion. Bravo, good Creator! 

Oh, and I got the B ending. I'm gonna do another run for the A!

-- Fuzzykun on 11/2/2016 4:31:39 PM with a score of 2

(This was a very good comment.)

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I know I'm reading a finely tuned storygame when I get stumped and feel motivated to think it through. That's what this storygame does best. It follows the narrative flow of a typical Ace Attorney episode and also succeeds to define itself through its own characters, plot, and puzzles. Excellent job.

-- Melike on 8/25/2010 5:39:06 AM with a score of 2

Vault Life

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/vault-life

Add sci-fi tag and Post-apocalyptic tag

Recommending comments for featuring:

The Journey of Caroline Winters 

1. Haha deja vu here :D You have done well, this shows a lot of improvement from your last version and it all reads pretty well. Unfortunately the story is still a fairly typical work experience, people read to escape their day to day lives - not to re-live them. Also the script style of writing, 
Matt: I say this. 
You: I disagree. 
Matt: I'm going to hit you with a pogo stick, 
This is not the best way of writing. For someone who is using English as a second language you have done really very well but I think the plot might need a little more excitement or spice, but then again because I am a boy these sort of stories do not appeal to me a great deal :) You have a good writing style though and you should definitely write more, the main concern is the story does not seem to be going anywhere... in fifty or so chapters I could imagine being in the exact same situation I am after three. It needs a bit more development, risk, danger, excitement etc :D But overall, pretty good :) 5/8

-- Will11 on 5/13/2016 11:42:08 PM with a score of 0

**************************************************

 2. Not the worst thing I've seen. You have too many things going on at the same time, though. Also, I tried running through a second time with taking a "Loner" path, not pursuing anyone, with the first being trying to romance everyone at once, and it changed the story only slightly. 
A good example you could learn from is Eternal, by Endmaster. Don't model your story like his, but note how he deftly transitions between time periods and makes sure the reader knows where they are, when they are, and how/why they are there. You would also do good seeing how he makes the little "random" moments, like not visiting a temple, and then your girlfriend randomly gets mind controlled to follow that temple's religion and proceed to murder you, seem like they aren't random at all. 

You also need to branch out the stories. It seemed that most choices aren't really choices, and instead different paths to the same endpoint. This is fine in small quantities, as it allows the reader to feel more in control than they really are, and also can strengthen the overall story. However, you used it often, making the story seem dull the second time through. 

Now for grammar. While I understand that English isn't your first language, you can still use tools like Google Translate to improve your text. While I didn't have to reread anything to understand it, the poor grammar was slightly annoying, and could easily be fixed. 

You might also want to put up, at the end of the story, a little note that says you are building another chapter. That was not added, and for a brief moment I thought you had just ended the story randomly, before I remembered that you said you were adding chapters in the intro. Some of the more fast paced readers may not realize this and just move on to the next story, never coming back to this. 

And, finally, you should consider putting in an "item" that lists the people in the story, like Peter and Matt, as it can be hard to keep track of everyone amidst the reading. It would also help clarify things for the reader, in case they skim or load a save. I, personally, thought that Peter talked like a father, even though he is an ex-boyfriend. The term "kid", how you used it in this story, would be where a father figure addresses a youthful person, usually with advice on how to run their life. By the way, "Kiss" as a way of ending a text or a letter should either be a sequence of X's and O's, or "Kisses, ____", at least the way I see it. I hope this helped!

-- Anonymous on 5/16/2016 7:48:16 PM with a score of 0

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Your Birthday 

3. I know you said you only wanted your girlfriend to read this but... Screw that! I want the point for rating it. You're a pretty good writer by the way, well done, I'm sure your girlfriend will love it. ^_^

-- Briar_Rose on 1/10/2013 5:35:11 PM

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This was pretty cute... Some endings were rather 'interesting' to say the least, buuuut this was written quite well and was rather fun to read, despite this being rather short. 

You obviously have a way with words ^^

-- TharaApples on 11/11/2016 2:45:28 PM

(Did you really think I could resist getting my comment featured? :p)

***********************************************

Recommending storygame for tagging: 

Post-Apocalyptic Empire 

4. Post-Apocalyptic tag

**********************************

Recommending weird comment for deletion:

Weirdos from Another Planet 2: The goons are here!

5. it needs more sex

-- gary on 4/14/2012 10:19:06 AM with a score of 1650

******************************************** 

Recommending comment for featuring:

Welcome to Camp 

6. I'm going to give it one more look before I pass final judgement concerning the score. I for one love the twisted second look at animal crossing. You had good sized pages and decent writing with minimal typos. None the less it could have used some more proofreading. Consequences were not always very logical. For example, working with Cody would actually draw more attention to what he was doing. I don't see how it would keep him safe. What dragged the story down the most is the linearity. The player doesn't get to control story progression very much. Really not bad though. I'd like to see another.

-- ugilick on 6/11/2013 5:54:40 PM with a score of 0

Recommended comments for featuring & tags:

Out of the Dark:

Quite the interesting game. A few notes- 

Strengths: you've set an intriguing, surreal atmosphere with the writing - I notice a lot of unusual uses of words that I have to think about if they make sense or not, just like the things that happen in the story - so it's an unusual, intriguing theme that runs through the story. And the horror aspect does play in powerfully - we are left with unsteady footing since none of this may be real. 

Weaknesses: we don't know our characters, and we don't know our plot. Tie the reader to your protagonist somehow, make us fear for them. When you open in a surreal dream-world, we don't know what is at stake. Is the protagonist just scared out of their wits and trying to stay alive, or has the protagonist done something terrible that they are afraid will be uncovered? Also: the writing has potential, but the sentences need to be leaner, more powerful. Read every sentence and makes sure that no extra words are there "just because," that the structure is clear and makes sense. 

Great work, and lovely horror story. 

-- SoSaidL on 10/30/2016 3:54:36 PM with a score of 0

Not sure if I got the any of the three endings mentioned I believe I tried every path but all the endings even the death ones were ambiguous and/or foreboding. I like the eerie, surreal atmosphere you've created. I little more detail may help with getting the reader more connected to the protagonist and to fear what he is running from. I only noticed a few spelling and grammar errors. I liked the story but with a little refining I think I'd love it.

-- BigRonn77 on 11/1/2016 2:11:41 PM with a score of 0

This is an awesome read. Dark and foreboding, some of the text is syntactically wrong though that may have been deliberate. Either way, I reached two of the endings, not counting the ones were you die. And then the question of "What are you?" on one of those endings comes to mind. Again, awesome read. Excellent job.

-- drackeye on 11/2/2016 10:06:30 PM with a score of 0

==================================

Stockholm Syndrome:

So many ridiculous things with this: a few, starting with the more mundane to the all clinically brain damaged. 

1) 20,000 fans is hardly a big crowd for a pop star in the modern world. If that's your protagonist's biggest crowd, she's not really a huge hit. 

2) Chloroform doesn't work that fast. It would take over five minutes of constantly breathing it in to knock someone out. Hollywood has lied to you with their typical fashion of blasphemy in the name of science. 

3) Do you really think someone could throw a grown woman over their shoulder, in the middle of a crowded mall, and run out the door, to a car, and escape, before a horde of people or security tackled the guy and beat the ever living crap out of him? If you do, you need to lay off the drugs. 

The writing itself was okay - but not great. Though, when your premise relies on absolutely absurd circumstances, it doesn't matter how good your writing is, as the story will be rubbish and unbelievable. The readers shouldn't be particularly aware that they're reading a story. They should be too engrossed in the fictional world.

-- Bucky on 10/3/2016 8:00:15 PM

=====================

Halloween Fright:

This seems to be a decent story from the first page. :) 

WARNING: Spoilers ahead. Read at your own risk and all that. 

-And tonight's gonna be the night that all changes!" 
Forgot the second "that". 

-"Finally Randy gets the idea to lock you in the Mausoleum at Spinner's Cemetery on the end of town for the night," 
Sounds a bit strange. Might want to reword this sentence? 
I would suggest something like this,"Finally, Randy gets the idea to lock you in the Mausoleum at Spinner's Cemetery for the night." 
When you add "on the end of town", it just sounds strange. 

-"Of course Randy is livid that you'd have the balls to defy him so him and his friends begin to beat you more than you've ever been beaten in your life." 
Forgot a comma. 
"Of course Randy is livid that you'd have the balls to defy him, so him and his friends begin to beat you more than you've ever been beaten in your life." 

-When you choose the Mausoleum or Old Man Jenkin's, it seems everything devolved into a huge wall of text. I will admit I am feeling slightly disappointed because of this. 
Huge walls of text makes it hard to concentrate on your story.. 

-""whattya waiting for?"" 
Capitalize the W in "whattya". 

Ah, I'll stop with grammar mistakes now. 
Overall, this story had okay writing, no spelling mistakes(from what I saw), and barely any grammar mistakes(mostly things that seem to have been accidentally left off and nothing a good proofreading couldn't fix!). 
It wasn't linear, with a few different endings. I don't think any of the endings were ever the same, and I applaud you for that! 
There was plenty of writing, and despite writing in 2nd person, you didn't start a lot of sentences with "you", something I've noticed in a lot of stories that attempt 2nd person POV. 
My only real complaint is the huge wall of text that made it hard to concentrate on the actual story. 
5/8 :)

-- Seto on 10/27/2016 1:22:47 PM

*Add Horror tag

============

Substitute Teacher:

This is a great idea, but it could use some improvements. 

First of all, I'd love to see more detail! Who am I? Who is my friend Monica? What is the school I am going to like? 

Second of all, I was really disappointed in the endings. When I entered the portal and saw that I had three different options for adventures, I thought 'Great, now I can go on three different types of adventures! Maybe this is going to be a good storygame.' 

Alas, I found out that all three led to endings. I think you could really do something with these three adventures! I would love it if you actually had each of the three options as an actual adventure. It would make it more entertaining and solve the problem of being linear!

-- AllThatIsGold on 1/10/2016 5:23:13 PM

=========================

Castle Conundrum:

Congrats on your win! This one had my vote too, and I see I wasn't alone in enjoying it. You hit just the right balance in puzzle difficulty, and in between puzzle and plot, and that's something that was apparently difficult in the ten day limit you all had. Most of the other entries focused on one aspect to the exclusion of the other, but yours IMO came together as a complete game and the most solid and satisfying in both areas. 

Even though the plot was extremely straightforward, the writing was solid and the viewpoint character had a good voice, and the game was just funny, and fun. Great puzzles too, though at this point that probably goes without saying.

-- mizal on 3/12/2016 9:40:55 AM with a score of 0

Well this was a fun puzzle game! In the end I didn’t mind that there was not much story as there was a clear purpose behind the protagonist’s journey and the riddles all made me think (I even had to table all the information down for the nurse one, props for that), but were still solvable on my own. The Monty Python reference was also quite funny, I knew what was going to happen right away but I still laughed at the ending. 

I also think you had enough of the character in there that we could connect with their situation on some basic level. This game was pleasant and fun to play, but I can’t rate it higher than 5/8, as it is quite short and the plot is very basic. However I do think this is the best puzzle/riddle, not including my own entry. 

-- Future on 3/5/2016 3:57:14 AM with a score of 0

+1 rating bump just for the hilarious shoutout to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. 

I had a lot of fun with the riddles, which were original, well-constructed, and really made me think. I do worry about the intelligence of the people in your fantasy setting though, if it took 9734 of them before someone could succeed, but then again, I suppose the lack of education and literacy might have worked against them! 

All in all, the setting was very straightforward, but written with such sass and satire that I enjoyed reading through it all the same. The grammar and spelling was flawless and the scripting that went into the convoluted riddle answers worked smoothly. It was very linear, but then again, I didn't mind it in this set up - I only wish there were more riddles to keep the fun going. 

All in all, fantastic work, and pretty much everything you could ask for from a riddle game.

-- the_quiller on 3/2/2016 4:44:49 PM with a score of 0

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Mcdonald’s Adventure:

Here is another example of an odd, yet creative story on this site! 

I'm not going to be soo critisive on this one as others of its kind which are usually more low-ranking and deserve some sort of advice. Because mainly, I didn't really find anything wrong with it. 

The grammar and writing could have been a little worked on, obviously. The plot could have been more streetched, with some more options/destinations. 

It was fun trying out everything. 

5/8.

-- Fazz on 7/30/2014 2:23:17 AM

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chooselife:

The major problem with this storygame is that I just don't believe anything that's happening. I don't relate to anything within the story as you don't build up setting or characters. Is there a reason for me ignoring Lilly? I didn't see one. Is there a reason for me walking into the haunted orchard and the haunted house, other than I felt like it? Nope, there isn't. Your characters are unrealistic, and therefore, unrelatable. If you could improve this, then this storygame might have been entertaining. Spelling and grammar were done well, but there was one inconsistency that I saw (something about a snake bite when I hadn't come across a snake earlier in the storygame). I hope to see a better storygame out of you one day; you have some potential :)

-- SkyTenshi on 6/28/2016 2:49:18 AM

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Schooled for life:

Unfeature this (More than 3 comments featured):

I was really enjoying myself until I had to leave school after my first day to play tennis. I'm going to try for other endings. This game is really entertaining. One of my favorites!

-- raptor7 on 10/15/2011 1:20:16 AM with a score of 50

This:

Interesting story, especially because it presents a unique viewpoint character and then does a good job exploring the experiences of someone bound to a wheelchair. The game felt realistic and flowed smoothly with good writing. 

Also, I found it funny where most games revolve around raising stats, this one had me trying to keep certain stats down. 

All in all, worth the time to play, although I wish it could have been longer with a few more choice branches.

-- the_quiller on 7/15/2014 10:25:32 PM with a score of 50

Replace this:

The stress and depression levels rise too quickly and you should be able to decide, when health hits 100, whether to stay in school or not. This could be an awesome game with a little editing. 5/8

-- Rommel on 4/6/2007 7:20:42 PM with a score of 50

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My usual week:

I wouldn't call this an CYOA though, as you have very limited options on what to do every turn, for example, you can snooze and snooze and snooze, but eventually you'll still have to go to school anyway, if would've been better if you could make options that drastically change the plot, rather than minor choices that add nothing to the overall game. 

Plot issues aside, some of the endings haven't been completed yet, as if you were too lazy to make something worthwhile of killing time. The only redeeming factor of the adventure is no grammar mistakes, other than that, it's just boring. 

If this was a product of laziness then I suggest taking down this story so others can play more seriously crafted adventures, instead of just wasting time on a poorly made unfinished product.

-- ViktorVektov on 7/5/2016 6:11:38 AM

I would recommend making more choices, adding more detail, finish the pages, and add a plot-line. Try and write something to draw the reader in and want to play it again and again. Make the reader feel like they are the character with amazing details, even if they're tiny ones. Plot is something every story and every game needs to be interesting. Good luck!

-- TacocaT on 9/7/2014 4:00:47 PM

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Budget Boom:

This could be a really great story/game. Unfortunately, while it is far too short and many choices instantly lead to death or a win, without any forethought. I'd suggest using variables to keep track of income, etc. and allowing the user to reach more interesting places by their own decisions, as the story suggests. This is still worthy of some attention.

-- madglee on 9/20/2006 10:03:52 PM

*Remove Puzzle tag.

*Remove Serious tag.

*Add Humor tag.

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Can Anybody Escape?:

Move to Everything Else category:

No fantasy elements aspect, as it is about pirates stealing treasure, and it does not belong in any other category.

Remove Part of Series tag.

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Find a Date before it’s too late.

Add Romance tag.

Remove Serious tag.

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Anti Life:

Add Horror tag.

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U R: A Magician:

Add Fantasy tag.

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Julia:

Add Romance tag.

===========

Nutters 2:

Add Animal Perspective tag.