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Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

This is how it works:

Having a comment featured (2 points)

Recommending a comment for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a user's excellent aid in the last six months for points (1 point)
Recommending a tag change for a storygame (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for a change in maturity level or difficulty level (1 point for each)
Recommending a storygame for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing (1 point)
Recommending a comment for deletion (1 point)

To get points for recommending something, I have to agree with you and newly created storygames are not eligible point earners.  

Four Most Important Things when recommending anything:

1. Reply to THIS thread to THIS post

2. A hyperlink to the storygame

3. A story has to be above a rating of 2 (unless it’s for deletion)

4. Number ALL your suggestions

Recommending a comment for featuring:

- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
- If there are already 3 featured comments on the storygame, you also have to let me know whose comment you think should be replaced.
- If I agree, you will get 1 point and the person whose comment is featured will get 2 points. If you are reccomending your own comment, then you only get 2 points.

Recommending a comment for deletion:

- The comment that you think deserves deletion (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)

It has to either have spammy punctuation, flame the author, be completely incomprehensible, be a duplicate comment, or not actually be a comment (such as "..." or "poop" or something).  

Note: Do not recommend comments on Endmaster stories for deletion unless they are spammy or deformed. He usually monitors his stories’ comments anyway.

Recommending a tag change for a storygame

- All of the tags you believe the story should have

Recommending a category change for a storygame

- The category you believe it should be in
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a change in maturity or difficulty level for a storygame

- The change you think should be made
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a storygame for featuring

 - A short rationale for why

Recommending a forum thread for deletion

- A short rationale for why

Recommending a storygame for unpublishing

- A short explanation of why [specifically, you must describe how it fails to meet minimum site standards]

  • After receiving at least 7 ratings and being published for at least 1 week, the storygame is rated 1/8
  • After receiving at least 7 ratings and being published for at least 1 week, the storygame is rated 2/8 and its length is 1/8
  • The storygame has all of the following characteristics:
    • Grammar and style poor enough that it cannot be ignored
    • A plot which is poor or nonexistent
    • Poor pacing (usually characterized by frequent and unpredictable end game links)
    • A lack of important decisions
    • Unbelievable or overly cliched dialogue (if dialogue is present in the story)
  • The storygame has "dead" pages- pages with no links or way to proceed.
  • The storygame's central concept is pornographic in nature
  • The storygame is not a storygame and is instead intended to fulfill a goal such as communicating with another member (including all inside jokes) or advertising a product.
  • The storygame is explicitly described by the author as a "troll" game, or intentionally poor quality.
  • Any unfinished story rated 4 or less which has been published for over six months.
    • What qualifies a story as "unfinished?"

1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo."

2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later.

Games that say they are the first in a series are not automatically considered "unfinished." As long as the game itself is complete, even if the author never returned to write a sequel, it is not up for unpublishing.

If you don't follow protocol, there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points. Following protocol expedites the process.

To summarize: post here (for the most part) with recommendations for who I should reward / what I should change and I'll reward you with points. 

Take a second to check the posts above you and see if someone else has already made the recommendation. Remember, newly created Storygames are not eligible for tag/category/comment points.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
New one already? These move so fast now...

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I also wanted to streamline the overly long instructions for these threads.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommended comments for featuring & tags:

CYOA Final History Project:

This storygame was a little too short to really get any enjoyment out of. I'm surprised that the site's algorithm gave it a 4/8 length. Maybe the bibliography made it feel shorter than the actual number of words. 

While this work is befitting of the edutainment category, it also feels a little lacking in detail, largely because of the short length. Perhaps more facts would have benefitted this. Also, it's not made clear which choice was the most historically accurate, which would have made sense for something like this based on real events. 

Considering that this is written in second person and makes you choose events as King Charles II, there's not too much sense of you actually being him. Things like dialogue and more detail explaining the potential consequences of your choices might have helped with this. I understand that this was a school project, so perhaps that wasn't your aim, but it would have made this a more interesting read.

-- 31TeV on 11/11/2016 6:09:30 PM

Neat game. It seems you've done your research and know what you are talking about. I liked the pictures and writing as well. I think this could be fleshed out a tad bit to allow multiple branches, and more alternate history than you've already done. It's alright in its current form though.

-- FazzTheMan on 6/26/2015 12:00:39 AM

==========================

Evolve (1.2):

You should have put alot more work into this story before you published it. I liked the concept of being an alien, but I wanted something exciting to happen after I hatched. I didnt won't to wander around, find one object, lay eggs and win the game. There was also several sentence problems and It was pretty linear. I also see that you are working on a sequel to this. I wouldn't recommend that. This was way to short. I would take this down and work on it some more. Make it longer and make each page at least a good paragraph or more. All in all, it was a good idea. Put a little more time and effort into your next story and you could have something good.

-- spartan008 on 2/22/2011 4:53:10 PM with a score of 0

===========================================

A summer in Maycome:

This had some flaws but I have to say I really enjoyed it. School project or not, it's nice to see fanfic on this site based on a book that was actually GOOD. 

I PMed you about the font and colors in the description already...again, it's all a bit painful to look at and regular text would've been just fine. (The story itself is in plain text though, for anyone with concerns.) And again, it's 'Maycomb'. 

I kind of loled at AYT's comment on 'Jem and his buddy'. Er...they meant 'Jem and his sister Scout, the protagonist of the entire book' I assume? Though while I wouldn't call this story 'pointless' at at all, it's true there was a lot of unnecessary padding. Having the entire house to explore at will reminds me a little of an interactive fiction game, though in a CYOA format that approach may not work as well. The issue too is that the description of most of the rooms amounted to 'nothing to see here', which in the context of a CYOA (where each page is generally focused on advancing the plot and not exploration and environment simulation the way an IF game is) means they didn't really need to be included. 

So if you ever do expand this, that would be an issue to address. Still, I really enjoyed this and hope you get a good grade, and I'd like to see more of your writing on the site. I hope you enjoyed To Kill A Mockingbird as well, IMO it's considered one of the greatest books of all time for a reason. (Harper Lee passed away just a couple of months ago btw...I always thought it was kind of a shame she never wrote another book, but I guess when your first one has such impact maybe it can't be topped...)

-- mizal on 5/26/2016 9:15:31 AM with a score of 0

================================

Buried:

This was a good game. A nice challenging puzzle with some solid story. Well written, and although a little brief, it's detailed enough. It was fun to play through. As Katie says, the use of colours was well done. 

I agree with Fazz and think that you could have written a more detailed ending. It felt a little unsatisfying when you get to what I assume is the best ending and it all finishes way too abruptly. There are still loose ends to be explained.

-- 31TeV on 10/6/2014 3:40:50 AM with a score of 0

This:

I have not rated a story 7 in a long time. Since I am not a loose rater, 7 is very good and I have only ever rated one or two storygames 8. 

The flaw in this game was that it was way too hard to beat and took forever. Otherwise, I'd have given it an 8. I found the good ending, but not the secret pink ending. There are also way too many methods of dying and lots of clues that mean nothing to readers, and can be understood only by the author. 

It was one of the few games that could actually immerse me, giving the feeling that the author could actually write a book if they needed to. Items were used well, but some places were confusing and items could not be used when they should have been able to. 

As stated above, a wonderful game. 7/8.

-- ck23838 on 7/1/2013 12:45:59 AM with a score of 0

Replace this:

excellent game. Took a lot of thinking and experimenting to get the best ending.

-- Evagirl on 3/3/2012 4:10:38 AM with a score of 0

This:

Good: 
1. Creativity of plot- suspenseful thrillers are rare on CYS 
2. Puzzles using items 
3. Good balance between open freedom and restrictions 
4. Pictures 

Bad: 
1. A few spelling errors 

Ugly: 
1. The link design needs to be redone. For example, even if I never got into the excavator, I would see the page where the excavator knocked down the fence after I got out. Also, many times there were situations where I shouldn't just see the exact same text after I did an action, since I just changed the environment, but I did 

2. Character motivation a little underdeveloped

-- urnam0 on 3/4/2012 3:47:06 AM with a score of 0

Replace this:

It was good. Nice grammar, good plot, and excellent use of items.

-- playa988 on 3/2/2012 6:07:34 PM with a score of 0

=======================================

The death of Michael Walker:

Add Serious tag

============

Horus:

Move to Edutainment category:

It teaches you about Egyptian gods.

=========================

Kingdom Conquest:

Move to Everything Else category:

No fantasy elements, being a game about being a usurper, and doesnt belong in any other category.

Remove Fantasy tag.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Disagree with moving Kingdom Conquest. 

I'm sure there's a dragon lurking in the background somewhere like an amusement ride.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

It's set in a fictional universe, but that universe does not contain anything that is absent from our universe. No magic, no monsters, nothing that would be associated with "fantasy adventure".

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Pffft

Everybody knows that dungeons and knights were all fantasy stuff.

I may of been wrong with my tagging then. Meh, at least my comment was featured, but now it's so bittersweet. 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygame for category change & tagging:

The Underworld of Lichens 

1. Move to Fantasy Adventure

2. Maturity change to 3 (There's a bit of death in this that may be a bit too much for a 'everyone' rating.

3. Fantasy tag

**********************************

The Corn Maze 

4. Humor tag

5. Horror tag 

************************************

Recommending comment for featuring:

Bullet Train 

6. This was a decent storygame. The plot was cohesive and accomplished what it set out to do, even if it could be fleshed out more. The grammar and spelling were excellent. The choices mostly made logical sense and had a realistic outcome, there was also a decent amount of them, given the length. The length was lackluster, but not terribly short. The writing was very good, with the descriptions and detail being superb. The action scenes could be longer and the reader being more proactive during them. 

The character development definitely needs work; I don't really know anything about the protagonist before he became a hitman and why he became a hitman. Throughout the story, the only impression we get from him is that he will do whatever it takes to get a task done, and that's about it. Fleshing out the protagonist and giving him a backstory would do wonders. It was a little linear; there was only one path that lead to the good endings. Making the story branch out more into alternate endings would be nice. You did this a little with the chaotic and neutral ending, but giving the reader the choice to veer off into an entirely new path would shake off the feeling of being forced down a single path. 

As I said, this is a good storygame, especially for a first-time effort. There were a few logic breaks (3 gun-shots would surely scare people, but 1 should've been enough for people to be alarmed and call the cops), but nevertheless, this deserves a 5/8.

-- Bannerlord on 10/25/2016 9:14:10 PM 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/airport-nightmare

Category change to horror, has monsters and stuff.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

 Project Origin: Atrophy (Part 2)

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/project-origin~3a-atrophy-(part-2)

add "Geared for extremists" tag  (Part 1 has this tag)

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Added added a new rule.

From now on, number ALL your suggestions if you don't do so already.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Already ahead of the curve ^-^

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I already do that XD

Hooray!

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygame for tagging:

Manske's Island 

1. Science Fiction 

2. Serious

***********************************

Recommending comments for featuring:

Dead Territories

3. That was really nice. I really enjoyed that you put effort into this, and the backstories were a nice touch. Most of them were well detailed, but it seemed that after Derek, you seemed to slack off, and the backstories got a little, repetitive. 

There were a few noticeable grammar and punctuation issues, but overall, it was a nice experience. Good job, and keep writing!

-- Boringfirelion on 11/7/2014 6:39:30 PM

**********************************************

4. I got the best ending on my first try ^-^ 

Hmm, this game was decently written but it was quite short to say the least. This wasn't bad for a quick read though and I really liked that there were little backstories for members of the group, I wouldn't mind if more zombie games had something like that :) 

My only issues were that there were slight issues with grammar, but it didn't largely effect the story, and there were maybe one or two instances in which a sentence would suddenly adopt a first person perspective phrase. 

Other than those small issues, this storygame was quite fun to experience.

-- TharaApples on 11/12/2016 10:15:01 PM

***********************************************

Attack on the Castle 

5. Move to Everything Else

6. Remove Fantasy tag

Reasoning: Banner's helpful advice. There doesn't seem to be any dragons or magic in this one :l

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

#11

Recommended comments & tags for featuring.

Morning Madness:

1. This game needs to be considerably more fleshed out. I appreciated the multiple endings, but I noted that I could take seemingly different paths to reach same conclusions. Your game is way too linear and abrupt and you need to expand much from what you already have, which can be tough considering you based this off a morning routine. You end this story too early and leave your readers wishing for more, which is a shame considering you have shown you can write fairly decently.

-- FazzTheMan on 7/5/2015 1:50:27 AM

========================

Sell Out:

2. Well it's a good to look at wrestling from the under-handed back dealing that must occasionally go on but the fact that matches are pre-arranged beforehand will come as no big shock to anyone who has seen the Wrestler. I imagine dodgy offers would be arranged a bit more subtly though and also the story was too short. Nice to see something based on a true story.

-- Will11 on 1/5/2015 7:12:50 PM

3. Not a bad game, a lot more description and with prose on the pages. Also several more choices than before. 

A definite improvement on the previous game but keep going with making them longer and adding more descriptions.

-- FeanorOnForge on 1/15/2015 7:45:17 PM

==========================

Moribund School Day:

4. For starters, the grammar in this story needs to be fixed. The paragraphs are just large blobs of text, with no real dialogue to break up what's going on. Characters are mentioned but don't really have any prevalence in the story at all. The decisions are present, but it's more of a good/bad system. 
Overall, this story needs a lot of work. Concept is good, but the execution is hideous.

-- AppDude27 on 9/15/2015 1:35:17 PM

5. I'm not really sure what those creature things were. If there was a page that explained that, I must've missed it. Anyways, the game wasn't bad, but the pictures didn't seem to have anything to do with the game. Like, there was one part with you and your friends went to get help and it showed a picture of a little girl about 4 years old, running around with a bubble blower thingy... What's with that? :p

-- Briar_Rose on 1/8/2013 1:15:18 PM

============================

Insane Asylum:

6. Okay, it looks like its time for me to leave some constructive criticism. 

The story in itself wasn't so bad. Honestly, there were only a couple of "bad" things about this storygame. 

First of all, I would like to talk about the descriptivity you used in the writing. It wasn't the best. I felt that you could've written a lot more about something or other. A paragraph or two added to these pages will really help it. Here is a list of possible things you could've added onto: 

-The room you initially start in: You didn't say much except that it smells like vomit, there's a dude with a stiched up face in the corner, and... that's it. Heck, it doesn't even say what we wake up on. 
-The "thing" with the stitched mouth: Who is he? How does he look like? Does he have hair? Is he gray and withering away, elderly? Or what? 
-The man with the knives: Same stuff from the top, except that it needs twice as more descriptivity, since its not just his face. 
-The hallway: Give more of a feel of setting, so that the reader can visualize where they are, what they're seeing, etc. 
-The monster: I'm not even sure if it had eyes. This "monster" could've been a squid of all I know. 

This ties in the with the next thing, which is realism/logic. Okay, so, we know we are in a mental hospital. So what the heck is a man doing with stiches covering his mouth? And why does the main character have the key to the door in his/her pocket? What's a guy doing with knives, killing people of the hospital? As far as I know, a mental hospital (like its name) is a hospitalized place where caretakers make sure patients are safe... and... well, cared for. So half the characters here don't make sense. 

There were a lot of plotholes in this story which you shuold really work on, man. By the ending, I was still confused. This could've been really been worked on more/added onto. 

It seems to me that you were going more "cliche" than an actual, good, horror. What I mean by that is taking overused ideas from other media (movies, video games, etc) and trying to get them to work without much success. 

Take, as an example, the setting, which we know to be a mental hospital. Half the characters (as I mentioned before) don't even really make sense, and therefore shouldn't belong in a mental hospital. The fact that insane asylums can be generally creepy is an aspect you are trying to apply here, but you're expending it way too hard (the "thing", monsters, scary stuff). Also, some plot of a mad scientist experimenting on people in an insane asylum is just too cliche. 

So, what I think, is if you worked on this and gave it some more detail, it could really turn out to be a work of art. It just needs some extra time. 

4/8 is my final rating. Hope you take into consideration everything I said. I'm going to play Part 2 now, hopefully I can give you a finalized rating and cut you some slack. Also, I hope I find some more answers than "oh, an evil scientist is running experiments on a very unsupervised insane asylum which just houses its patients with weapons, including knives, keeps monsters in, and sometimes stiches the patients' mouths shut!"

-- Fazz on 7/26/2014 4:33:19 AM

7. *Add Horror tag

8. *Remove Zombie tag

========================

Destroy Super Team Strike Force:

9. This game was interesting to say the least. At the beginning, I wasn't too impressed by the poor writing and the lack of links, but it slowly picked up. It was kind of funny in a weird way, and the funniest line was: 

SPOILERS 
"we'll be waiting for you unarmed at the airpoert." Even if it was misspelled, it was hilarious. 

This was no masterpiece, and it really could have done with more in-depth writing with better descriptions, background info, character development and plot. But it wasn't the worst storygame ever and showed some promise.

-- 31TeV on 10/10/2014 6:09:04 PM with a score of 0

10. This is one of the few games that I have given a one. It was just bad. It was confusing, didn't make any sense in any shape or form, and it really didn't have a plot. But what really made me not like this game was that there was only one end game link. I don't like it when I die and I don't have the chance to comment and rate.

This could really use some work. 

1/8

-- JMgskills on 4/12/2012 8:42:26 AM with a score of 0

11. What? I didn't really like this story at all. Not coherent, and I skipped over half the dialogue. You might wanna fix that. This has the potential to be a good story, disturbing subject matter aside. You just made it so your story didn't make much sense, and not in a good way. Plot and character development needs work. Also, allow people to end the game prematurely if they want to. People don't have to get the "final" ending to leave a valid opinion. 2/8

-- ChaiHai on 8/27/2012 4:42:55 AM with a score of 0

=================================

September the 14th: The Final Chapter:

12. I hate myself for playing through this entire series. My sanity may never recover. I feel like I just took a -9999hp attack to my literacy simply by going through all eight of these games. 

That being said, I think whatever sanity I still had just threw its hands up in disgust and gave up halfway through this last game, which actually allowed me to enjoy it for what it was. Sheer, mindless randomness. This was some kind of mega-crossover from hell. Super smash brothers on crack. I don't even know what to make of it anymore. Part of me cringed at the massacre of so many beloved video game characters. The other part of me just stopped caring and cheered like an eight year old simply because they made an appearance. 

This may be a classic case of a game being SO BAD that it loops back around to being good again as a parody, because it doesn't so much as break its readers suspension of disbelief as much as it beats it into silent submission. 

God, I need a drink. 

-- the_quiller on 8/3/2014 2:10:08 AM

===========================

September the 14th: Part VII: A New Bomb:

13. I will give you points for effort - this was a fairly long game with plenty of well-placed images. I didn't run across any broken links or anything of the sort. 

That being said, I still found this story rather painful to play through. The sequence of events is...bizarre. Random. Nonsensical. I think I hurt my brain trying to follow along. The dialogue was written in the format of a script and the random appearance of ALL CAPS exclamations did not help. Part of me wonders if this game would have made more sense if I played first six parts. The other, larger part of me shudders at the thought of having to play six more games just like this one. 

All in all, if you find utter randomness funny and amusing, then this game will be a blast. If not, then I recommend you stay away to preserve your sanity. 2/8 (+1 for effort)

-- the_quiller on 8/3/2014 1:41:03 AM

===========================

My UNUSUAL Day:

14. This story.. Has a few problems. 

First of all, the grammar. Please fix it. Spelling is okay, but the grammar needs work. 

The details. 'I don't want to explain, so let's get on with the story'? The problem is, you might not want to explain, but we want to hear your explanation. Even if you don't want to or don't feel like explaining things, it makes the story better! We want details too - Tell us about the main character, the boyfriend, and the girls that are bothering her. Tell us about the school. Details, please! 

It's short. This could have been expanded much more than it was. Additionally, it could use more choices. As it is, it pushes the reader through the story, and people like choices. 

-- AllThatIsGold on 1/10/2016 4:50:49 PM

==============================

Timewarp – Ancient times:

15. Add Historical tag

===============

Darkness Cover Me:

16. Add Horror tag

==============

Marios Adventure Island 3: Sports Extravaganza!:

17. Add Humor tag

================

Practice Simple Italian:

18. Move to Edutainment category:

It helps you practice speaking Italian.

===========================

Splattered:

19. Add Horror tag

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending comments for featuring

 1.  Vault Life

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/vault-life

Well, this is good, but it basically just retells the beginning of Fallout 3, (My favorite game of all time as well) which, for some reasons, no one really likes. I always thought it was cool to get attached to the characters early on, and live through the Lone Wanderer's life.

Alright, the story has amazing grammar, but I don't like that you have to be a girl. The game is basically the same either way, not counting moments where other characters note your gender. And, it wouldn't hurt to rewrite another path to be a boy, just like it wouldn't hurt to have dialouge choices.

As I mentioned earlier, the player has no real dialouge choices when interacting with characters. It basically has you talking to people and picking the rudest options there are. I always tried to be nice when interacting with good characters, and I was a dick to bad characters.

Either way, although the game has it's flaws, it's still very good. Vault Life gets a 6/8. It's definitely worth every cent.

-- 11302 on 7/21/2014 9:47:16 AM

2.  Dead Space

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/dead-space

Please add more! I finished it in like 30 seconds! I just wanted to get the bad out of my way so on with the awards and happiness! I was actually working on a Dead Space game as well until I found this. I deleted my game and then read yours thinking that this site did not need another game like that. When I found that this was a small game I remade it and fixed my mistakes and even made it better so, add more or make a sequel. Thanks for helping me improve my story and keep working on these stories. I must go now, my people need me.

-- fullmetalfan890 on 11/4/2015 3:00:46 PM

 

3.  Remember

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/remember

I really like your stories, I don't care that they're short. Good work. ^_^
Still, it could do with some improvement. The little ghost girl's really interesting, but I think the most important part of any ghost story is finding out why the person is haunting you. Since you never find that out, I don't feel like the story's finished.

-- Briar_Rose on 3/1/2014 6:26:41 PM

4. TWD: Zombie Apocalypse

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/twd~3a-zombie-apocalypse

Mick, huh? Hmmm, where have I heard that name before... Oh he's a cop, too? Oh, he's looking for his family? Oh, he met up with this black dude named Morgan and his son, and went with them to retrieve guns and ammo before heading toward Atlanta? And let me guess, in the sequel he runs into a group of survivors in the city and leaves one behind, who ends up chopping off his own hand? "Turn left or right." *Turns left* "You've reached a dead end." How?? How have I reached a dead end? Did I not go the way you wanted me to? Oops, sorry...*plays the tiniest violin while skipping down the left side of the street*

You took this straight from AMC's TV series adaptation of The Walking Dead. It was basically the same as the first episode right up to the point where you find your family. Oh it's a one-way street alright--at least the game is, anyway. And then at one point when you fire a gun and you're forced to choose which direction to run in(which, either way, is a choice so simple it's retarded), you don't bother telling the player which direction the herd was coming from? And it's not even that long, I'd say 2. Since it's your first interactive story, I wouldn't feel so blatantly insulted, but you lose points for lack of creativity.

-- Hbh128 on 1/3/2014 1:29:08 AM

5. Revenge of the Sphinx

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/revenge-of-the-sphinx

This was an amusing way to spend a few minutes but I have some of the same questions james did. Not sure why the game ends because the player gets a question wrong, wouldn't she just kill that victim and move on?

Ending was sort of weird too, but it may just be a reference to something I'm not getting.

By the way [SPOILERS FOR ANYONE WHO LIKES FIGURING OUT RIDDLES STOP READING NOW]

it got obvious pretty quickly that the first option was ALWAYS the correct one, you might consider mixing it up a little next time.

-- mizal on 5/19/2015 1:54:50 PM

Draw My Attention (HOLY FUCK I HAVE 2.5K POINTS)

4 years ago

I'm so fucking close. 31 points away. So here. 31 suggestions. I'm usually rather picky about what comments to feature, but I'm going to drop my standards a bit.

I have the 31 points due to my unhealthy dueling habit. My life is complete.

 

Comments for Featuring:

 

1) Z-DAY Survival Quiz

It seems like I'd need a group of survivors to get by it seems, if a zombie apocalypse was to ever actually happen. That seems about right actually :P

This was a nice little quiz to kill time with, although some of the questions fell more in the line of common sense rather than survival.

This quiz is something that I would most likely come back to later to see if my survival chances would change much, as according to the criteria in this :)

-- TharaApples on 10/18/2016 9:58:30 AM with a score of 195

 

2) Z-DAY Survival Quiz

200-249 = You are an average survivor just remember to keep a leveled head and remain vigilant and you will do fine.

Wow! That was actually pretty fun. It's actually a fun quiz that recognizes the things that will actually matter in the apocalypse. Some things could be better:

-Maybe add in the score every time you answer a question.

-Don't make it so obvious what's a good choice and a bad one, instead of telling them to be honest. EX: How much do you weigh?
90-120
121-160
161-200
201-240
And then the next question should be:
And how much of that is body mass?

This way the person is less likely to just choose the athletic position to get a better score.

-Make it longer. 20 questions with that short questions and answers are just a 5 minute blast. Nothing comes out of it except Ohh! I got a 200.

-Scenarios. Add in scenarios to your quiz. Make them long and informative, but not to long, or they may get boring.

Hopefully this help!

-- RoyalGhost_007 on 5/16/2015 11:58:59 AM with a score of 200

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3) Yugoh Trivia

Kiel summed up most of what I thought about this game, but I thought I'd add a little bit.

This quiz is horribly written and is just painful to read. It might even be described as Millennium Eye-bleedingly bad. It does make me wonder how much of a YuGiOh fan you really are when you can't even spell the title right. And what the hell is the Daqrk Sage? Trust in the heart of the words a little more and your spelling might improve.

For the most part, the questions felt too easy for a fan of the series. I didn't need help - a child could have beaten this. That, or the questions were a bit hazy or the answers inaccurate. At the same time, for someone not familiar with the anime, this would have been too difficult and resulted in end game links nearly every damn question. Didn't you consider that might be frustrating?

Rather than have the game end every time you get a wrong answer (which annoys people), why not just have it record your score and go through the answers at the end? That's what scripting and variables are for. And what was the point of the score being displayed if you get a game over for getting a wrong answer anyway?

With quizzes, it'd be nice to see some more creativity and have some kind of plot ('cuz, you know, they're STORYgames), even if it's simple. Maybe the player could have been challenged to a shadow game with their eternal souls at stake, or something. This would have at least added something entertaining to read for the game over links that you insisted on having for every wrong answer. This isn't really a criticism of your quiz alone and more to do with quizzes collectively on CYS, but still.

If you are going to make a season 3 and 4 quiz, for the love of Yami, please make it much, much better than this one.

P.S. Sorry, but I couldn't resist the YuGiOh references.

-- 31TeV on 10/19/2014 11:20:54 AM with a score of 25

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4) You are a Fish

I'll be honest: I was expecting something absolutely terrible, but it was actually quite alright. You get to play as a brave little fish with plenty of moments of both awesome and funny. The grammar is spotty in places, but it's never bad enough to distract from the game. My favorite part of this game was how it allowed you to explore other paths and choices without having to abuse the 'back' button and reselect.

All in all, it was cute, amusing, and a better game than its low score would indicate.

-- the_quiller on 7/29/2014 6:45:47 PM

5) WWII Grand Strategy

This was extremely playable, a credible enough reason was given for time travel, the items were well thought out and the story was well put together. Personally I would have preferred a bit more interaction with some historical characters (Churchill: "I want to give a speech, any ideas" for example) and possibly a sequel with a viewpoint from... the other side (a.k.a. the Axis Powers) would definitely be enjoyable.

-- Will11 on 11/6/2014 5:33:51 AM with a score of 280

Dude, you aren't supposed to make an Advanced Game as you're first game! You have to have more knowledge! Just, make you're next game an Original Game next time, k?

-- Glue5 on 1/11/2006 5:20:04 PM with a score of 15

Just a note. This comment is hilarious.

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6) Wolves

I think the simplicity worked for this kind of story where you are focused on objectives and survival, as motivation for getting the 'win' option. However, I didn't understand the purpose of the human village when it inevitably leads to death. This story was enjoyable, and worth the five-ten minutes it takes for you to complete it.

-- SkyTenshi on 8/25/2014 7:01:08 AM with a score of 5500

7) Wolves

Not a bad game, despite being so short, although it was also more linear than it first appeared since it seems there's only one sequence of events that successfully takes you through to the ending.

-- the_quiller on 3/4/2016 5:39:06 PM with a score of 5500

8) Wolves

Nice concept. Though this is short, the fact you can't repeat actions if you try something too early makes you want to play again. It's maybe best thought of as a puzzle rather than an interactive story. A little more narrative and more choices would go a long way, but I enjoyed what was there.

-- Sidewelter on 2/27/2013 3:17:46 AM with a score of 5500

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9) Wolf's Story

I'm not here to be rude, so don't get worried about this comment. ^^

I think a way you could improve the story is letting the reader have more choices for you to pick. Rather than focusing on getting a mate, what about raising my wolf's rank in the pack? Or maybe I discovered a dangerous secret that could threaten the pack - or maybe I get captured by humans! There's lots of parts where it seems like you were eager to publish the story a bit too soon.

Another thing: the Loner choice wasn't so great... I was hoping I would get to roam the woods or something by myself. I think the decision to put lots of the same endings side-by-side, giving no hope for exciting stuff as a loner, was a bit disappointing. There has to be something I can do other than search for mates! Focusing on survival and hunting, among other things, are what could happen - especially if I'm a wolf.

Overall, this currently seems more like a... wolf dating sim than anything else. I enjoyed it a lot though - you must've put lots of work into it! I would enjoy possibly a sequel, a prequel or even an update to this magnificent story!

3/8, but not bad for a first game!

-- Wolfrunner on 3/27/2015 7:41:21 PM

10) Wolf's Story

This was riddled with errors, but for a first try and an animal perspective game, it was ... better than most WC fanfics, anyway.

You still have plenty of room for improvement, James has some good points in his review, and I'd advise looking into the articles and studying the more popular games on the site to see what you can learn from them.

I'm a bit disappointed that you only get one possible name per gender regardless of physical appearance, but that's a nit-pick I guess.

Actually, my issue with the naming thing is more so the names themselves. 'Draco' is kind of bizarre as a wolf name. It means 'Dragon' and wolves have literally no reason to have any association with dragons at all. Unless your story has a dragon in it and I just totally missed that part, I guess.

The girl name is ... interesting. "Kilra" would logically be pronounced "Kill-ruh" so I have no idea where you got "Kyra" from. >_> Or wait, maybe I do. :P I have a sneaking suspicion I've seen that name in another story before. >.> Gee, I wonder which one it was... -_-' hmmm...

-- Kiel_Farren on 3/20/2015 12:00:09 PM

11) Wolf's Story

Haha whenever I read these stories I like to imagine fur-fic-fans being let into an enclosure to pet a couple of grey wolves that haven't been fed for a few weeks to see how cute they really are then ("Aw, come here you... what! No! ARRGGHH! My face! My favourite arm!"):D Fortunately in these stories wolves seem a bit more... teddy bearish.

This story was pretty good though, the writing was ok but some of it seemed a bit strange, for example I've never been asked before on a scale of 1-10 how excited I am about meeting someone because I don't usually express my emotions in numbers but possibly it made planning the story easier. Also the "cool" and "let's go" links at the beginning both travelled in the same direction which isn't really a choice :D

Finally I'd suggest more options at the beginning, choosing your gender and coat is ok (though personally I wanted to be a blue and green wolf with octagon eyes because then the coat choice might have had an impact on the story) but if you're going to do that you might as well include name options.

Overall not bad though and playing through to the different endings was fun but the idea is a familiar one and sometimes I wish my wolf/cat/dog/turtle character found himself in a moral dilemma or genuinely emotional situation or possibly even just an attack on a camp of scouts :)

-- Will11 on 3/20/2015 8:06:24 PM

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12) Wolf Adventures

It was okay, I just think there was a lot of room for fleshing out of the branches and for this to become a lot less linear. It seemed to me that every other choice led to an "End Game" link and there was only one branch that didn't include you dying (for some reason the "Loner" and "Find another pack" branches seemed to connect at the end).

-- FazzTheMan on 6/20/2015 4:46:28 PM

13) Wolf Adventures

How long did it take you to write this?
Here's a tip. It's ok to spend a long time writing your story. More often than not stories that have been given long hours, days and weeks of dedication are better than hurried stories that were made in a week or less.
Like other new stories here, this was just too short and there are grammar or spelling mistakes here and there. I see that there could be potential so just keep persevering. Keep writing and try to make your stories longer.

-- Penworth on 5/24/2015 11:18:17 AM

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14) What Would You Do If You Could Help Out?

Okay, okay... Where do I start? ... Firstly, if you see a man talking to the manager about losing his wallet, why not just give the wallet to the man instead of the manager? Second, no there isn't an animal rescue center in the world with a policy that you can't give a kitten to a deaf kid, that was just dumb. Third, if a family's starving and homeless how the hell do they have the money to go to Starbucks? It's bloody expensive in there :p

-- Briar_Rose on 4/13/2014 5:30:54 PM

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15) What Game...

Meh, I pretty much already figured I would get the "fantasy" one... only one thing I found wrong with this, which is that you asked players to choose between storygames they may not have even played, which can be a little strange, and usually causes the player to guess based on the title, skewing the results. Other than that, it was fun, a couple parts were quite funny, and it was a good way to waste 5 minutes.

-- Mercedes on 12/8/2012 8:48:58 PM with a score of 0

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16) http://chooseyourstory.com/story/what-do-you-know-about-spider~2dman~3f

I'm getting lazy T-T

 

It was fun but it sometimes answered a previous question in the next question, for example. "Which two game systems was the game Spider-man released on?" and then 2 questions later it ask what the subtitle was on the spider man game(PS1). I wouldn't recommend doing that.

-- Madbrad200 on 6/19/2014 11:24:14 AM with a score of 60

17) Not a bad quiz. Had a lot of questions that were unique, which made it interesting. The only problem I had with it was the comic book and video game section. Those questions were a bit to hard and someone who isn't a hardcore spiderman fan, like me, would find it not only confusing but a little boring and aggravating. Still, it was a nice quiz and I think you did a good job.

5/8

-- JMgskills on 4/6/2012 8:18:49 PM with a score of 110

18) Cool. This is a lot better. I like finding out what the answers are, otherwise I have no idea what I missed. Don't worry about people cheating - if they want to do something like that let 'em - how good a quiz is has little to do with how difficult it is, in my opinion. I want to hear more about why/how he switched bodies with wolverine - that sounds cool.

-- madglee on 3/2/2007 5:55:53 PM with a score of 70

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19) Welcome to College

A pretty good simulation :) That school trip sounds a lot more tiring than the ones I sometimes organize for my students, our last one was to a pizza restaurant where all the kids made pizzas and then we cooked and ate them :) Getting paid to eat pizza is pretty much a dream come true :P

-- Will11 on 4/6/2015 11:39:40 PM

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20) Welcome to Camp

This was pretty good :) The writing was superb and there was a obvious effort put into this to make it quite enjoyable, which it was. I wouldn't mind reading a continuation after that ending though :c

-- TharaApples on 11/11/2016 3:29:11 PM with a score of 0

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21) Walk Forward Adventure, The shittier version

Argh, I've created a monster. Really, all things considered, 'Walking Simulator' should be a new tag. As far as Walking sims go, you managed to make more sense than the Endmaster-themed surrealist novel by Negative. But, it lacked a certain flair. Sure, you did let us walk forward with some good narrative humor, but it gets old when you're restricted to one choice only.

I mean, really, you should have let us explore the possibilities, but you didn't. You gave us the choice of walking forward, or instant death, and you didn't even give us the privelege of unique death pages! I feel a little insulted.

-- ISentinelPenguinI on 1/2/2015 3:30:36 PM

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22) Madness of Seal

This story made me laugh several times and was fun to read the whole way through. There were some problems with tenses, but I didn't care because I loved the fun simplicity of it, brain therapists named Mr. T (I think I once said any story with Mr. T is good), and the main character's attitude of taking it all in stride. I had several favorite parts. One was when Seth does not flop in the car, Macky is satisfied, and then giant seal food crushes the car. Reminds me of D. Adams. If Expander didn't do much, you are a great writer at 9 years - I can only imagine how you'll be as you get older. Thanks!

-- madglee on 6/7/2008 11:55:32 PM

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23) Trollstuck

Nothing to do with the story whatsoever, but this is an appropiate comment for a "trolling" story, wouldn't you agree? :P

 

You fucked up the whole romance path, and she ended up sounding horribly insipid and idiotic, as far as the bit with the elephant, it had me going for an 8/8 until I realized there was an undetone of duckling hate that had no pretense with any other par of the story. As far as the political satire, I enjoyed your duck joke, although I do realize some third parties may have found that bit offensive. The brawl backstage at the Slipknot concert was a it of unearned drama, I found that I really didn't cre that much about the characters, (or Fig Newtons for that matter.) but one thing's for sure, the segway chase scene was pure art, and is the only thing making the difference between me rating this a 2 and the rating I'm giving it now, a 3. (There wasn't an option for 2.01)

-- ISentinelPenguinI on 11/2/2013 10:49:44 PM

24) This was not the best. The whole plot was questionable, you had to pick choices at random because nothing really made any sense, and there were very few end game links. In my opinion, you need to have those or people, like me, get upset quickly. The only part I liked about it was that there was a decent amount of options which sort of made the game better. The pictures also helped a little.

Finally, I don't think that the eights given to this game were by other people but by the author himself. But that's just my opinion and I could be wrong.

2/8

-- JMgskills on 4/3/2012 1:59:40 PM

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25) Trapped Inside the Tower of Hanoi

Interesting. I liked the five tiers instead of the classic four, and the scripting and interface was very well done. I think it needs to be explicitly stated that you need to move up a floor every 20 rounds, as that is rather unclear. Like many, I am sure, I was so confused as to what I had done wrong before I realized that all you wanted was for me to go up a level. That said, this is an excellent Tower of Hanoi puzzle, and you implemented it very well on this site. While others have complained about this puzzle's ubiquity, or the lack of clarity/ease of access, I didn't really have a problem with it at all. I also like what you did with calling each round a second: it added a sense of urgency, and made me race to solve it as quickly as I could. A well-implemented puzzle game. 7/8.

-- MagmaArmor0 on 8/25/2014 11:57:44 PM with a score of 32

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26) The Wolf's Survival

Although I was partially enjoying this storygame, it needs some improvement.
First things first, the grammar and spelling's alright. I didn't see major mistakes- all could be overlooked.
The plot was very vague, even for an animal simulator. This was it: struggle to get milk as a newborn pup (PUP, not cub), learn the rules of going outside as an older pup, walk around in search for territory, and find a pack member (I chose this path because dispersal wolves rarely stay in their birth pack after becoming an adult). After that, the game ended. There's more to a wolf's life than this. What about learning to hunt and fight as an adolescent wolf? What about raising a family with my mate (I wouldn't call her a pack member because wolves don't allow random loners in their packs unless they are in their family or the possible mate of a wolf). What about defending your pack from hunters and enemy packs? What about struggling to survive as an elderly wolf? There's plenty more that could greatly lengthen this storygame.
However, one of the good things about this storygame is the customization of your wolf. I'm glad that you decided one of two options for a protagonist: creating the protagonist (your choice) or playing as an already-created protagonist. There are also more choices for a game with a length of 2/8 (a 2/8 is not enough in my opinion).
I'll give The Wolf's Survival a 3/8 for now. It's not great, but it's not so bad that it should be unpublished in a week's time.

-- DerpBacon on 5/23/2015 10:38:48 PM

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27) The time of Darkness

There's definitely some effort being put into this story, but once again, the writing level is so first draft-- spelling mistakes, lack of tense agreement, fragments, run-ons, the list goes on.
Also, there are quite a few instances of plot-wagoning: like when you choose the rifle, you get the bazooka anyway- or when you choose "finish him off" with your godfather, you end up riding in the car talking to him.
We're not even getting into whether or not I like stories that are kill, kill, kill-oriented.
Clearly, you can write a story with some length to it- now put some polish on it.

-- Sethaniel on 9/25/2007 9:23:25 AM with a score of 120

28) Hmm. Well when you sent me a message telling me that you were a really good author, I can't say this is what I expected. I'll admit you have solid potential but if this is your best work then I think your still a ways off from being "Really good". So now that I've voiced my opinion, let me support it.

Firstly, the grammar was really, really bad. I mean I've seen worse around but this was pathetic. It doesn't need to be perfect, but it has to be decent at least. Secondly, it was very linear. I've played some great games on here that had great multiple endings. This one was the polar opposite. Numerous times during the story it would give me a choice, to which I would choose whatever I thought best. Approximately half the time, you would proceed to tell me that "I can't do that". And refer me to the other option. So why is this option here in the first place?

Finally, al

-- Equilibrium on 9/23/2007 9:02:20 PM with a score of 90

29) Finally, alot of it did not make sense. For instance, I'm driving in the car with my godfather (although I dont know this) and he proceeds to offer me information I've always wanted to know about my long lost parents. The only catch being that he wont tell me his name.

My reply: I dont want information about my parents from people who wont even give me their names. You leave me no choice but to kill me.

Honestly if I ever witnessed a scene like that, I'd probably go jump off a bridge. I rest my case.

-- Equilibrium on 9/23/2007 9:05:02 PM with a score of 95
 

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30) The Run Away

Like madglee said, exploring the house was fun but maybe add more about being on your own. Jason certainly has an interesting family doesn't he? Also, too many of the deaths were random and unpredictable. (I can maybe understand the cult) Doesn't this kid know his own house? It would be nice if before you made decisions you were given some background information on what you know about that (I think the kid should remember the rotweiler before leaving) then let the player decide which risk to take. Also, does Jason's family have a GIGANTIC toilet or something? 'Cause that's the only half-plausible way to die from being flushed.

-- Melike on 1/2/2009 12:14:52 PM

 

31) This story was quite odd, and that is meant as a compliment, believe it or not. It was random, but the main character's sudden misfortune in some of this game's "dead-ends" were what surprised me the most.

This was quite fun to read :)

-- TharaApples on 10/16/2016 7:08:46 AM

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32) The Revised Conneth Quiz

Okay, that's good that it calculates the score now- but you should show it somewhere, like on the last page. Or, rewrite the ending so that you only see the rating that applies to your score. Now I have to wait until after I post my comment to see what my score was, and by then I don't necessarily remember what the ratings were.

Still, you've clearly got the right idea when it comes to question writing. Make another quiz, about something else, and I'll be happy to play it.

(PS- you *should* be able to win your own quiz game. . .)

-- Sethaniel on 6/15/2007 2:56:38 PM with a score of 5

33)

After playing through the first time and finding out that my score would only show up on comments, I played again, randomly clicking this time, and changed my rating. I like knowing things immediately with games like these so not seeing my score at the end was a nuisance, along with a few spelling errors I found, all in all, I didn't personally like the game seeing as it is basically impossible for anyone who doesn't have a good memory to win and the lack of a scoring system at the end is bothersome.

-- DeathIncarnate on 8/7/2015 11:34:38 AM with a score of 6

Comments Suggested for Deletion:

34) Welcome to College

Yep. I am both saying this should be deleted and featured. Why am I being so contradictory? Because this lovely comment was double-posted. :)

A pretty good simulation :) That school trip sounds a lot more tiring than the ones I sometimes organize for my students, our last one was to a pizza restaurant where all the kids made pizzas and then we cooked and ate them :) Getting paid to eat pizza is pretty much a dream come true :P

-- Will11 on 4/6/2015 11:39:40 PM

 

That is all.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending comments for featuring:

Bullet Train 

1. Wow! This is actually pretty good for a first storygame this short. Your grammar is pretty good, and the plot is pretty well written. You had the proper elements, and a PURPOSE for the protagonist. Although it could be extended, you had decent paragraphs and descriptions. 

Another thing you could do to enhance the story would be to add more conflict. I played through a couple times and noticed only two or three rounds of fighting. Not bad, but there were those sections where you had to choose a certain path or you die. Those get pretty annoying, but still it was overall pretty good. 

Nice job on your first storygame!

-- Crescentstar on 10/25/2016 3:09:58 PM

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It's Not Easy Being Me 

2. Very well written. All of the choices make sense. A couple of the endings are little cheesy but considering the source material it can be forgiven. I only noticed a couple of spelling or grammar errors so kudos on your proofreading. Great story would love to read more of your work

-- BigRonn77 on 11/2/2016 9:40:31 AM with a score of 0

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Through The Dragon Lair 

3. Fantasy tag 

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Interactive Women's March to Versailles: Bread or Vengeance? 

4. Historical tag

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The Corn Maze 

5. Excellent, just great fun like story games are meant to be :D The pics really brought it to life though Mara didn't really have much of a role except right at the end when she made a good expendable decoy :P

-- Will11 on 3/31/2015 5:45:44 PM

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6. Not terrible by any means. I think your story flow is fine but maybe you should put more detail into dialogue, as your characters are very one-dimensional. Also, for a horror story, even if taken as horror comedy, the humor sometimes felt cheap. Practice makes perfect, keep on writing!

-- Hess on 4/6/2015 1:08:48 AM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending comments for featuring:

Goodbye

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/goodbye~2e

 

1.

 This is well-written. I enjoy your writing style and while the plot is a familiar one you put in enough details to make it sound almost autobiographical. I would call this a writing exercise rather than a story however, the romance is the entire plot and there is nothing too unexpected and no other significant characters apart from the two lovers. It sounds like somebody telling me about a real relationship they had.
Farewell my Childhood Self came alive because of the drawings while in Snow the language is brief and rich in meaning, in a tragic romance like this what goes unsaid is often more significant what is said so sometimes lengthy descriptions are not required (in places you do use short sentences to good effect). The multiple choices should be there so the reader feels like it is their experience: choosing which memories to re-live or which experiences to have with their special person makes the reader feel more like it is THEIR story.
Overall though it was a very good piece of writing and I'm looking forward to reading your next one :) 6/8

-- Will11 on 2/14/2015 12:31:11 PM

2.

Okay, so first things first: you have a good writing style. The grammar is solid, the vocabulary well-chosen, and the story, as a whole, is well-written. I do think, however, that you are missing out on some of the devices available to you on this website. Being able to choose what the main character does draws the reader/player in. It gives them a sense of ownership, and allows them to connect much better with your characters. At the end of your story, I was moved emotionally, but not to tears. Your plot and writing style were good enough to move me, but not to really engage me--I felt like, despite the excellent transition to first person narration you had at the beginning of the story, I was reading someone else's story, rather than one I was participating in. See a game like Snow on this website--the story moves ahead, no matter what, but you are given several choices as to what you want to do. It draws you in and makes you a part of the story, rather than a passive 3rd part observer. If you can do this--allow the reader to make their own decisions, rather than telling them what they do--it will make this storygame that much more powerful.
All in all, a lot of great writing (the hard part). Just give us a few more choices to make instead of telling us what we do! :)

-- MagmaArmor0 on 2/14/2015 12:00:10 PM

 

3.

Apocalypse Then

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/apocalypse-then

Add zombie tag

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
Recommending a comment for deletion (on The Quick Dating Game):

Fuck you

-- Hi on 11/14/2016 4:02:47 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Looks like someone else already deleted it.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
Eggcellent.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

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Basic History/Geography Quiz 

1. Historical

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Recommending comment for featuring & tagging:

Purchase or Pirate? 

3. This was quite quirky and humorous in all honesty. I honestly didn't know there were so many potential ways to acquire music, so this was definitely quite a learning experience too. 

My only real nitpick is that I think that more could've been added to this storygame, like maybe even meeting the artist herself? Just small little things like that could've made this a bit more fun to play, but it wasn't like the writing wasn't serviceable by any means. It was and this was certainly good for some laughs and learning some things about the internet.

-- TharaApples on 11/16/2016 11:01:22 PM with a score of 1

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Recommending comment for deletion:

4. Sukes i hate it dosent work

-- jacob on 9/25/2015 12:00:59 AM with a score of 1

5. Humor tag 

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Welcome to Camp 

6. Serious tag 

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Setinel (Uh huh)

7. Remove Part of Series tag 

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Recommending comment for featuring:

Master Of Strings 

8. I did really enjoy the story, it was well written and the tension built up well :) The Items seem to have limited use (or maybe I was just using them at the wrong time?) but the pictures added nicely to the story and the writing was interesting and realistic, though possibly it could have benefitted from editing in a few places. Overall though, I really enjoyed this :D

-- Will11 on 11/30/2015 4:50:28 AM with a score of 0

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The Zombies 

9. Zombie tag

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Recommending Thara's comment for featuring (how shameless!) & tagging:

Ducky Park 

10. This storygame was pretty funny, all things considered. The writing had some typos but they weren't abundant and I found myself enjoying the humor that's in this game. 

Ducky Park doesn't seem like a place that I'd personally work at but it's entertaining from the perspective of a outsider looking in xD 

Much laughs were had while reading this, so bravo :)

-- TharaApples on 11/11/2016 1:24:44 PM

11. Geared for Extremists tag

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The Unwritten Jedi 

12. Not bad. You're a pretty good writer and I think you'll probably get a lot better with time. Only problem I had with the story was the Sith endings. I'm fine with the whole him getting all angry and turning to the dark side thing, but it always says that he's doing this because he's decided the Sith are the good ones and so he goes around killing innocent people because it's the right thing to do. It doesn't make any sense.

-- Briar_Rose on 11/18/2012 4:11:13 PM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygames for tagging:

The Gauntlet 

1. Fantasy tag 

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2.Wow, this was pretty engaging, and this had the right amount of choices for this storygame to be quite enjoyable. This really reminded of a classic dungeon game, in which the player is quite vulnerable as they attempt their best to brave the dangers of a difficult situation of the sort that was presented in this very storygame :) 

I felt quite a sense of accomplishment when I finally escaped at the end of this. I must say that this was a keenly written adventure and it has definitely earned my praise. Very impressive, indeed.

-- TharaApples on 11/17/2016 2:11:09 AM

(Well, since you don't seem to mind, feature this also? ^-^)

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The Gauntlet II: Returning Home 

3. Fantasy tag 

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Recommending Thara's comment for featuring because... Meh:

The Corn Maze

4. Pretty fun. There are certainly plenty of things that are enjoyable about this storygame. I quite liked the blend of fantasy and humor that was present as there were certainly a bit of surprises in this. 

My only complaint is that the characters themselves felt a bit flat at times, but it's only a minor nitpick as this storygame was certainly fun to play :)

-- TharaApples on 11/12/2016 1:14:51 AM

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Recommending comments for deletion:

The Zombies Are Coming Part 1

5. It was a great idea, but it was WAY too short with quite a few spelling mistakes. Rather, you should edit this story to add more paths. Is English your second language? If so, then you have done a GREAT JOB!

-- Swiftstryker on 10/4/2012 7:54:17 PM

Reasoning: Duplicate. 

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Insult Eminem

6) ...

-- AwesomeTwisted on 6/5/2015 12:09:18 AM with a score of 50

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Recommending storygames for tagging:

Revolt 

7. Science Fiction tag

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Ghost House 

8. Humor tag

Also, I accidentally clicked out of the tab and lost the window, thus I had to redo the entire suggestions, End. May I get another little bonus for my misery, please? :c

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommended Comment(s) For Featuring:

1) http://chooseyourstory.com/story/through-time

 

Haa.... This game, man... You just reeeaaally had to punch me in the feels toward the end there, didn't you?



TO PLAYERS:: So. This game is great. Anybody who's just sifting through stories on this site needs to read this one. FINISH IT. Don't be giving up half-way through (like I wanted to) because you'll be depriving yourself of the whole story, which ties up almost everything quite neatly.

I really, REALLY wanted to quit partway through my second route ((My Order: Olivia > Tina > Ian > Allison > True)) because I found the main character INSUFFERABLY apathetic. He didn't care about anything, question anything or feel anything. I hated the character because he wasn't real to me. No real person would behave this way for no reason. After completing my second route, you get the STRONG sense that there's a reason behind everything. Continue on, players. This story's a good one.



TO THE CREATOR:: Quit yanking on my heart-guts, you brilliant evil mastermind, you! This story has many good points and very few bad. I'll try to get through it without writing an essay.

THE GOOD:
-The Story: I really appreciate that everything came full circle. I want to talk about it SO BADLY, but anything I say would be a spoiler. All things that are great about the story are spoilers!
-The Characters (Main): I hated Jake in the beginning. It was terribly annoying to play as him, but I'd be lying if I say I still hate the guy. I can't spoil anything here, so I'll just say he's not all bad. He was just a teenager. Each of the route-owning characters make sense in their own right, as well. After completing their respective arcs, I had a sense of deeper understanding for why they behaved the way they did. It made me reflect on myself a bit, and I like that.
-The Message: The story's theme is read loud and clear. If you don't get it in the beginning, you certainly will by the second or third arc playthrough.

THE BAD:
-The Grammar: You've actually done quite well in this area. Toward the end (True Route in particular) a couple your/you're and then/than mix-ups slipped through. One extra proofread should do ya in future stories.
-The Characters (Secondary): I know next to nothing about Jake's mom. In fact, anyone who isn't a part of the main 5 characters (Peter being an exception) is just... kind of flat? I'm not saying everyone needs development, but I would like to have learned a bit about the other people in Jake's life. Deeper dialogue with the rest of the Wolves or his mom or even other classmates would have helped breathe life into the world.
-The Length: This isn't even really a bad point. I wish the game was longer. I wish the game had CG's. I wish this game was a Visual Novel, is what I'm getting at. I realize that its current length works for what it is. You can easily sink a couple hours into this if you get immersed and you have enough time for the characters and story to snowball on you. I would loved for each arc to have been longer; to explore more on every corresponding character's backstory and epilogues. However, maybe that would have hurt the game's impact in the long run. Who's to say? All I know is, I like the current version.

...I wrote an essay. Dang it. I'll stop here.

tl:dnr - People. Play this game. It will make you feel. It is very good.

-- Fuzzykun on 11/4/2016 5:21:52 PM with a score of 97531

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygame for category change & tagging:

Maintenance Systems 

1. Move to Edutainment

2. Quiz tag

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Isn't it a little early to suggest anything? It's been out a day.

Then again, it seems a decent game and I doubt it'll be unpublished...and the author probably won't do these changes themselves :)

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I've seen even earlier suggestions accepted from time to time. As you stated already, this game doesn't seem like it will be unpublished soon, and it's actually quite decent. 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Okay! :)
I was just checking because I wasn't entirely sure on this.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

#12

The Elle Files: Sabotage at Suicidal Skies:

1. Well, what I thought was good about the last story holds true for this one as well, and what I thought was bad holds true for this one too. Notably, you do a great job connecting the past stories of the series with the current one. Unfortunately, there are many errors that ruin this otherwise well-written and great story, such as being able to get the dolls before I get the poem, and then having no way to get out except randomly guessing or using the Back button as I did. There were pages where the first line of text was after the last line for some strange reason. And running your story through a spellchecker would prevent a lot of issues, such as misspelling "token" as "tolken." Daughter, I am disappoint. I know you'll probably ignore this like you did the other two times, but I'll say it anyway- your stories need to be proofread and doublechecked before publishing.

-- urnam0 on 8/19/2011 6:54:28 PM with a score of 1150

2. Played through the game and got a high score. I enjoyed it quite a bit, so it warranted a 7 rating however there were some flaws. 

There were times when it started a challenge without me being prepared, so I had to use the back button in and then play that section when I was ready. There were also a few times where it gave me pieces of information that I didn't know yet (my character referred to a poem regarding the dolls before I actually found the poem). The Vanilla Ice Cream page is broken, it just links to itself. 

All in all it was fun though, I got a bunch of awards and a high score :D

-- Killa_Robot on 8/19/2011 8:04:08 PM with a score of 1215

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Be a NASCAR Driver:

3. I guess it was interesting to play as this driver, since I've never seen that type of concept before. However this story could have been a lot better if it was fleshed out more, to introduce more pathways the reader could have took and thus eliminate the linearity in this story and introduce some build-up between events.

-- FazzTheMan on 6/26/2015 12:52:07 AM

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A Night in Heck:

4. The old 'spend the night in a haunted house' plot is such a well worn cliche it takes a lot of skill to make it interesting. The writing in this one was pretty decent overall, but there were a few typos, and more could've been done in the beginning to catch the reader's attention or make them care about these kids in the first place. 

There were a couple of genuinely creepy moments, but the haunted house itself (or maybe it's just the paths I took) didn't quite live up to its reputation. Both times the kids encountered something with the potential to be dangerous they simply ran away and the game ended with them safely outside. Also, I gathered the house was actually being lived in and we stole someone's priceless baseball card, but there was no follow up to that other that 'woo, we're rich now!' 

There was a nice use of pictures throughout, though some seemed out of place. I would've stuck with one style, such as the real photos. 

All the items had logical uses, though I'm not sure what the pebbles were supposed to do...they were usable, but didn't exactly help much in the basement. (Though admittedly it was kind of a subversion of expectations when they at first SEEMED to, and it led to one of the creepier moments...) 

Overall I enjoyed this, and I hope you keep writing.

-- mizal on 4/19/2016 9:49:28 AM with a score of 0

5. *Add Horror tag

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First Dates Can Be Tricky:

Unfeature this:
6. literally what the heck????????????

-- egg on 8/25/2016 10:08:07 PM

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Choose Your Own Agar.io:

7. Well, I only have one thing to say- Agar.io took over YouTube and the Internet, and now it has reached CYStia. 
Your grammar is odd at times, but not so horrid it draws me away from the story. 
I would've preferred some more explanations on the concept of Agar.io. You can't expect everyone to know exactly what the game is about. For those who do NOT know, Agar.io is a game where you become a cell, and the goal is to eat tiny cells and kill other players to grow in size (and to grow your rank on the server leaderboard). 
For such an open topic, I would've expected a longer story. Maybe some options as to what direction you want to go to? 
For now, Choose Your Own Agar.io gets a 3/8.

-- DerpBacon on 7/1/2015 12:35:33 PM

8. The reader should have a sense of what is to come upon choosing a choice. This game needs to be a little more fleshed out, but I appreciated that the author understood what interactive fiction means and made the game not so linear. Still, the branches that are already present should be a little expanded upon; the endings feel a little abrupt.

-- FazzTheMan on 7/5/2015 2:13:58 AM

9. 2/8 

It's a simple enough premise. 
I've played Agar.io before and actually do enjoy it, but I don't think that's a game that can be properly emulated to storygame format, and that isn't your fault. It's a quick response game, and playing a storygame version just can't compare to the real deal. 
The writing was short and simple, which I suppose works. 
You didn't overdo it which was okay, I suppose. 
Overall it was just meh (not in a bad way) but it just didn't draw me in.

-- awesomeness1242 on 8/1/2015 5:58:10 PM

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Surviving Research Proposal:

10. Move to Edutainment category:

It teaches you about making a research proposal.

==============================

Piratical Decency:

11. Move to Everything Else category:

No fantasy elements, being a simulation of a pirate, and doesn’t belong in any other category.

===============

Escape from the Dead:

12. Add Post-apocalyptic tag.

============

Help Tom Escape:

13. Add Puzzle tag

14. Add Advanced Editor tag.

===============

Summer Lasts Forever:

15. Add Romance tag.

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The quest for pancakes:

16. Add Humor tag.

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Abduction Escape:

17. Add Horror tag.

===============

The Carivelli Carnival:

18. Add Horror tag.

================

The Land of Bad Writing:

19. Add Humor tag.

20. Add Socially Important tag.

============================

Dead Man Walking (Zombie Survival):

21. Add Horror tag

22. Add Post-Apocalyptic tag

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
I want my 2 points back e-e they were crap comments but I was testing a bug with the site so gimme a break. I was gonna screenshot them when I got the chance and make a full report in B&P. Now I have to do it without pics -_-

not like anyone cares about crap comments on games that'll get unpublished as spam anyways.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I didn't even know what you were talking about until I looked at your points. Someone else docked you, since I don't even know what crap story you commented on in the first place.
 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending comment for deletion:

Apocalypse Then 

1. Cool story wish if longer and in more depth.

-- Trey on 4/22/2016 7:26:51 AM with a score of 46

Reasoning: Duplicate comment

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Recommending storygame tagging:

Last Scream Before You Die 

2. Remove Part of Series tag 

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Host 

3. Serious tag

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Recommending comment for deletion:

Kill that Spider! 

4. That was horrifying (not in the way that I disliked it in the way that I feel a little sick).

-- SoupLover on 1/25/2016 11:34:13 AM with a score of 0

Reasoning: Duplicate comment

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Escaping Dystopia 

5. Socially Important tag

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

1. Recommending a category change for a storygame

Sellout

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/sell-out

move to Fan Fiction (currently in Everything Else)

 

 

 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygames for tagging:

Little Bighorn Trivia 

1. Historical tag

2. War tag

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The Ant Hill Kids 

3. Based Off A True Story tag

4. Horror (It was a bit creepy...)

5. Move to Edutainment

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Recommending comment for deletion: 

Where to go? 

6. :/

-- Kate on 7/23/2016 4:06:43 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygames for tagging:

The Not So Great Adventure

1) Humor 

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The Apology 

2) Move to Edutainment

3) Socially Important tag

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The Upgrade

4) Science Fiction tag

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Recommending comments for featuring:

Advantage 

5) I just wanted to say, before anything, I really liked this story for how much work you put into this. It's obvious from how much effort you put in; (The Extra Section shows that), that really added the extra point for me. 

The story its self is a bit weak, a simple concept with simple solutions, but I felt like it really had a lot of promise to it. With how it goes from branch to branch, I liked the interactivity of it, this is definitely more of a storyGAME then a STORYgame. But, that isn't a bad thing! What really puts the story in a decent place for me, and not like a 4/5, is the art. The art really wraps up the somewhat lackluster in detail story, through its images. It's all of those things that really make the story quite a bit stronger. I also liked most of the characters, even though they were rather one-dimensional. 

My biggest complaint, which kinda knocked off the two points for me, was that it had quite a few spelling errors in it (which is really minimal) and the fact there really isn't a lot of description going on. I don't feel like I REALLY could have gotten into the scene, but that might just be me. 

Good work for a first story game on CYOA, really hope to see more good work from you!

-- Bloodsrain on 10/8/2015 11:53:04 AM with a score of 316

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6) 1. Very interesting story with a good plot. Also has pictures to entertain you as you read. 
2. Not to difficult but also not to easy. Makes sure that you are always entertained throughout the story. 
3. It is a nice length but is not to long. It makes sure that you don't get board with the story at any point in it. 
4. The grammar and spelling is extremely good with only a few errors. 
5. Overall I think it is a brilliant story and that you put lots of effort into it. Good job 

7/8

-- HerobrineBlockson1 on 11/14/2015 11:43:18 AM with a score of 227

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Songs to Say Goodbye 

7) Drama tag 

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Overthrown: The Makings of a God 

8) Fantasy tag 

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Overthrown 2: A World Without a King 

9) Wow. This may be as good if not better than the first. The action was always intense and written well, and I could literally imagine the battles taking place, thanks to the strong imagery provided by the impressive writing. 

I would love to see a third game in this series, because both storygames tell me that there's just so much that can be done with this setting. ^^

-- TharaApples on 11/18/2016 8:15:11 PM

(Might as well get this featured. Oh, please delete my comment beneath this one, End. Thank you! ^^)

10) Fantasy tag

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Is it Shameful?

11) Romance tag, people.

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Trumpet Intro 

12) Humor tag

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending comment for featuring:

Lets go to the mall 

1) That was unusual but in a good way, it was original, differing and in places funny. The switch between First and Third perspective throws you but the pictures compliment the story so well though as with most random stories you can only take the plot so far before it starts to grate, you didn't make this TOO random or drag it out which is good. The game is not horrible or offensive but a fun way to pass 5 or 10 minutes :)

-- Will11 on 3/26/2015 9:24:48 PM

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Recommending storygames for tagging:

In the Caverns 

2) Fantasy tag 

Reasoning: Yes, it has a dragon xD

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all because of a breakfast sandwich

3) Remove based off a true story tag

4) Remove socially important tag

5) Add humor tag 

*******************************

Recommending comments for deletion:

Hey Look, It's a Zombie Apocalypse 

6) Bit short, but ya it was great

-- Colonal on 3/11/2016 11:35:44 AM

Reasoning: Duplicate comment

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7) ??

-- Bolt78625 on 6/9/2015 1:38:46 PM

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Recommending comment for featuring: 

8) This was pretty good, I liked the level of detail you went into and the interesting characters. These zombie apocalypse stories usually feel a bit devoid of emotion (I loved the line that basically said "it's a beautiful morning, lets go outside... oh crap human civilization as we know it has come to an end and everyone I've ever known is dead or in risk of death. Guess I'll stay inside today and play X-Box). 

The characters were pretty interesting, but clearly all psychotic and the story itself was interesting and well-written story. This should appeal to the world of zombie fans out there :)

-- Will11 on 6/8/2015 8:14:11 PM

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I'm sure that @Will11 will be quite pleased with this batch of story suggestions ^-^

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I basically took over your thread, End xD

Forgive me but it was all for one goal that I hope will be fulfilled with this batch of suggestions. 

It was all so I could graduate from Novelist and become one of the Scriveners! Muhahahaha Ahem. I think I'm going to bed now, ciao.

Edit: On second thought, there's a few more things I should be doing. 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommended comments for featuring & tags:

=================================

The Forest Finder:

1. It was a game with excellent writing and well-placed pictures. The idea of exploring a forest to find treasure is simple and fairly well-executed. 

However, it was still regretfully short and didn't feel like exploring a forest so much as zooming through one in the blink of an eye. This story was too short to really build up on its promising start. The fact that certain choices lead to dead ends where both options result in death was problematic as well - making the reader kill themselves in an obviously stupid way like sticking their own arm into a pit of snakes broke my suspension of disbelief. 

All in all though, if not for the short length, this game would have gotten a higher rating from me. The writer clearly has good skills - they just need to put in more effort.

-- the_quiller on 8/3/2014 12:07:26 PM

===========================

The City is being attacked by Killer Monkeys:

2. There were a lot of locations and things to do, I wish there was a goal that was defined in the beginning the readers were supposed to work towards or attempt without having to make one up themselves as they went along. It's usually the core of any video game or CYOA: the goal. It makes everything feel more comfortable, less random, and less alien. 

I liked the pictures, the humor and the story though.

-- FazzTheMan on 6/22/2015 12:48:21 AM with a score of 0

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Candy Quest:

3. On a whole, this was an interesting game with decent scripting. It took me about fifteen minutes to get to $10,000, and a lot of that time was spent at the very beginning, where the only thing you can really do is waste time until the Car Lot opens and then work for ten dollars an hour. 

In essence, the beginning was a little tedious and might turn some people away. I would recommend making the car lot open all the time just to save people the trouble of clicking the 'do nothing for an hour' link, because I felt it didn't really add anything to the game. The casino was a nice addition, since the temptation to speed up earning money adds an element of chance to the game, but it's apparently impossible to win with any bet less than $80, so you might want to check your scripting and make sure the dice rolls are working. Unless, of course, you never intended for those bets to be winnable in the first place, haha. 

Still, this it was fun to watch the numbers climb upwards, even if the game takes a bit of patience. The writing was simple, but it doesn't need to be overly descriptive for this kind of game. What's important is that the grammar and spelling were excellent, and the setting was interesting. 

All in all, a worthwhile game and a fun little diversion for anyone who's looking to waste some time.

-- the_quiller on 10/7/2014 12:57:59 PM with a score of 0

4. This was a great idea, and I liked how the functions worked. Sadly it was let down by the pure repetitiveness. 

The beginning simply involved me waiting for the car-lot repeatedly until I made lots of money then repeated trips to the shops as buying resources took up time. 

Once I had clicked the wait/car-lot buttons repeatedly and had the supplies I needed for my first trip... I then simply had to keep clicking wait/buy resources over and over again repeatedly as the first trip ensures you never need any other button due to the amount of cash you earm. 

Also is the casino bugged. I decided to try it out since I had like 6,000 and after over 20 tries I never one a single time.

-- FeanorOnForge on 1/30/2015 5:53:38 PM with a score of 0

5. The game is very repetitive, and the idea of the car lot only being open for so many hours in the day doesn't really help. The beginning of the game goes very slowly, involving for the most part simply clicking 'do nothing' and 'car lot' over and over. I would love to see this game improved where the car lot is open all hours. I would also love to see an improved casino. I like the idea of the casino, but it could use some improvement. Better odds for one - I understand that it should not have too great of odds, but as it is the casino is pointless because winning is so rare. 

Right now, as it is, this game was a waste of time to me, but I think it couod be improved.

-- AllThatIsGold on 1/7/2016 6:34:58 PM with a score of 0

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Ship Wrecked on Misty Island:

6. Fucking. Finally! I finally found the ending! Alright, tip time... 

Well, it was pretty good. I get that you tried to be detailed and shit with your writing style, but at some points it sounded a little weird. There were a few grammar and spelling mistakes, and on one page you switched from second person to first person during the dialog with Hamil (Sorry if I misspelled it). 

The puzzle mechanics were amazing, and at some points I really had to think to solve the puzzles, though some were pretty obvious. The horror parts were pretty meh at best, and didn't really scare me. So basically put, you have the puzzle part down, but you need to work on the horror bits if you want to go down that route. 

Overall, it was a solid puzzle game, but a mediocre horror game. Also, please add an end game link when the main character dies, because if there's one thing I hate, it's when there's only one 'ending' to a story, everything else makes you restart. Anyway, 5/8. There you go.

-- Chris113022 on 7/20/2015 4:41:54 PM with a score of 2455

===============================================

Priesthood:

7. I have not read many stories on this site, so I cannot really compare this to anything else. 
However, I was asked to read and comment, and so I shall. 
I see that many others have rated this highly, with enthusiastic praise, and I am sorry, but I am unable to give such a glowing recommendation. 
The writing is very sloppy, with many spelling mistakes and little care for grammar or sentence structure. 
There seems to be an attempt on your part to use a large, complex vocabulary, however "vestigeal" is not a word, and if you meant "vestigial" then you have used it incorrectly. 
I do not find the story particularly original or unique, but you do seem to have made an effort. 
Are you a child? In that case, I would give you high marks for the attempt. 
Overall, it is the writing of someone who has been told by others that they possess skill, but not someone who has consistently honed their craf

-- Mirrormask on 8/7/2008 3:15:03 PM with a score of 0

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A Picnic Lunch:

8. It's a fairly cliche plot but that didn't really matter. My biggest gripe are the choices, which half the time were completely irrational. If you saw a clown in public, why would you attack/run away from it? Why would you throw up from something as harmless as brain freeze? If there was some build-up to the end instead of "you see x do you do y or z" and one choice leading to death, perhaps this story would be a lot better. That, and it needs to be proofread.

-- FazzTheMan on 6/19/2015 12:41:56 AM

==========================

Would you survive an Alien Invasion:

9. This was a nice little game. I would have preferred it to have more content--Who are the aliens? How do they act? What do they do? But I was fine with this. It could have been a lot more realistic. Aliens sitting on thrones bossing everyone around reeks of what all humans aspire to do. No, give us something that's more alien-like--something with less of a human nature. 

The grammar was okay, although the endings leading to death were very abrupt. I'd have preferred more description of death, about the blade being driven down, etc. Those are the storygames that I find to be more interesting. 

It was very easy to die in this game, and most of the time I was guessing my way through. Maybe more skill could be included, rather than just having random links leading to death? All in all, this was an okay game, although it could be improved a lot. Funny with all the 's' names--4/8. 
 

-- ck23838 on 7/4/2013 1:19:31 PM

10. *Add Science Fiction tag

=======================

Friday Night:

11. This entire thing felt like a small snippet out of a much bigger storygame, even if it is a good one. On its own, it feels like it's missing a good chunk of the pages and branches. It doesn't help that there are very little meaningful choices because they all lead up to the same result, or the game tries to take you there. 

But it definitely is decent writing with plenty of description. It's clear that you've thought about your characters, it's just a shame that we got to see very little of it at all.

-- 31TeV on 11/16/2016 2:52:45 PM

12. Er... this was... interesting... I've never played as a punk, stereotyped teen before :P 

Like some have said below me, that whole idea of you being a punky teenager on a bored Friday night didn't much appeal to me. The story could have been better if the author put in some extra detail, of how you could actually solved your boredom, but it was too short and somewhat too, well, "punk-stereotyped" for my liking. I'm not really sure exactly how to put it, but if you play the game you may see where I'm coming from. 

For example, this is how the description marks you: "You're filled with such angst, boredom, and cynicism." (Like a stereotype punk teen.) That's not really me, and I just can't relate to that. 

The writing was good, at least. No grammar mistakes, and the detailing was spiffed as far as I could see. 

Like Swift had said below me, I spent a little more than half an hour playing the game, and I can say it was, in fact, a lost cause from the beginning. I just can't relate to, or actually like being a punk kid (I'm sorry if I keep using the term "punk", but that's pratically the only thing that could describe the whole feel of the story, as well as the way the main protaganist and his friends are described, through their actions and dialouge, as well as the main protaganist's choices). 

The story was kind of linear-ish and boring because it was short and a lost cause, but in retrospect, it was also interesting, because, well, I've never lived the punky lifestyle before. 

All I can say is, this might appeal to a different audience than that of mine. Also, it could be a bit longer. 

3/8.

-- Fazz on 8/13/2014 3:48:20 AM

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How To Play A Game:

13. Move to Edutainment category:

The game teaches you about playing a CYS game.

=======================================

Medieval Adventure:

14. Move to Everything Else category:

No fantasy elements, doesnt belong in any other category

==========================================

The agency who wished they could (build a great website):

15. Move to Education category:

It teaches you about how to create a website.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Glad to see that this story just squeaked by and as a bonus I can now feature this comment.

Gay and Depressed

Well this was interesting, I'll give it that. A few random things to point out.

1. You do realize that on page one, there are three options that all say the same thing but lead to different pages... What is the point in that?

2. You forgot to sign your permission slip? I kind of thought the whole point of permission slips was that somebody else is supposed to sign them.

3. You try to tell your crush you like her, but end up accidentally screaming in her face? ... Whoops. Yeah, that's going to set off a few red flags, try not to do that to do that in the future.

4. The girl you had a crush on doesn't like you back, and so your only option is to kill yourself? Oh the unspeakable pain of first world problems. I really don't understand how anybody makes it past the age of 20 in this cruel, cruel world.

5. The game doesn't really make it clear that the character you're playing is a girl, (except for that one scene where your girlfriend punches you in the boob. That was random.)

Other than that, it was definitely a fun read. Kind of puts me in mind of the Harry Potter fanfic My Immortal. If you plan to do a follow up game, try making the main character a satanist, and have her breakdown crying, asking "Why did Satan make me so beautiful?" ^_^

-- Briar_Rose on 11/18/2016 5:54:10 PM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygames for unpublishing:


1) Luigi's Adventure
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/luigi's-adventure


Explanation: It fits all five requirements for point 3 of the minimum site standards for unpublishing. See below.

poor grammar/style - there are errors such as "could of " in such a short story, and a script-style dialogue where each line is preceded by the speaking character’s name.

poor/nonexistent plot - a very simple deal of princess gets kidnapped, hero saves her, the end.

poor pacing - there is a fairly arbitrary “road” or “dirt road” choice which gives you no information, one of which will kill you for no good reason.

lack of important decisions - almost every page has a “deliberately not take part in the story” link which leads to a game over.

unbelievable/cliched dialogue - just see the page titled “Luigi versus Donkey Kong”.



2) CPUwars!
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/cpuwars~21


Explanation: It fits all five requirements for point 3 of the minimum site standards for unpublishing. See below.

poor grammar/style - "your on your desktop," from the first page.

poor/nonexistent plot - nonexistent; you simply fight Yoda with no buildup or good reason.

poor pacing - Yoda kills you or vice versa for no apparent reason.

lack of important decisions - pretty much every link leads to one or two sentence pages with little to no detail.

unbelievable/cliched dialogue - just see the page titled “I'm from the Sith! MUHAHAHAHA!”.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Had a look, and wow, the fact that both of these are rated as a 3 really says something about the site's standards back then...

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Read CPUwars around when I first came on and rated it a 3, haha. What bumped up my rating was the humor, which really wasn't that funny in hindsight.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygame tags & comment for featuring:

The Free Hand 

1. Great story with nicely-detailed imagery which sets the scene and is improved even further with the choice of images included in the story. 

One thing I think you could improve on though, is building up your characters - especially the main character. Perhaps you could have added a notebook in which the reader could have read the thoughts of a particular character? 

However overall, very nicely-done story which has enough of a challenge to keep the reader thinking, but not too difficult so as to be impossible to complete. Good job Ashen-Snake :)

-- SkyTenshi on 8/26/2014 12:50:25 AM with a score of 0

2. Puzzle tag

3. Horror tag

************************************

Recommending storygame category change: 

The Seven Truth of the Seven Rainbow Path 

4. Everything Else

Reasoning: It's pretty random, but I don't see any reasons as to why this is fantasy. 

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Escape (Strategy) 

5. All in all, quite a fun game, though I would place this in the 'Puzzle' category rather than the 'Everything Else'. 

I did find one slight mistake where you coded a letter 'Q' instead of the letter 'O', but it wasn't a big deal since I could still understand the message. The math was fairly simple, though that was probably a good thing since difficult calculation problems would just make for a tedious playthrough. The difficulty level was about right for a wider audience. I also really appreciated how there are questions following even a wrong answer that give you a chance to go back, rather than a dead end plus an 'End Game and Leave Comments' link. These little glimpses of the additional work you put into this game were very much worth the effort. 

I would advice including a bit more of a storyline to this, since the twist on the very last page was excellent and would be made even more surprising if you had some build up to it. A bit more foreshadowing, for instance, or just some flavor text on each page to add an overall atmosphere to the setting. Also, be sure to proofread and fix the pages with no links. 

Still a fun game and better quality than the usual length 3 games due to its puzzle format. Great job, and I'll be looking forward to more games like this in the future. 

-- the_quiller on 10/7/2014 1:11:24 PM

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6. That was pretty fun! I liked your writing style as well. The only things I could really complain about, wass that it was much too short, and you seemed to really overuse the number=letter type of puzzles. 

How you gave me a hint at the end was extremely helpful, otherwise I would've never gotten it, and figured out who you were... *shivers* Or who I was... 

Keep writing!

-- Boringfirelion on 10/5/2014 11:38:13 AM

7. Puzzle tag 

************************************

Recommending comment for deletion:

Extra Life 

8.Yay I finally beat it!Awesome!

-- Twilight on 3/20/2015 1:22:23 AM

Reasoning: Duplicate comment 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommended comments for featuring & tags:

Greek Mythology Quiz:

1. I'd advise that you don't insult the reader if you're going to fuck up yourself. Your first question was "What is the name of the hero who slayed the Medusa?" ... The correct answer, which I gave initially, is (of course) "Perseus." (Even if I hadn't studied Greek myth, all anyone needs to do is google "Perseus" and you'll automatically get at least a dozen images of him holding the head of Medusa.) 

Then later you asked: "What was Theseus given from the gods to slay the Medusa?" even though, for kicks, I also tried answering the first question with Theseus, just to see if you had the finer mechanics of a quiz down ... and you responded with a game over and "Theseus slayed the MINOTAUR you dumbass!" 

... Again, don't call your reader an idiot if you already know the right answer and you still screw up. (Also, you lose the right to complain about our language if you're going to call your reader an ass, dumb or otherwise.) 

I love Greek Mythology and I enjoy quizzes a great deal, but this was inaccurate, it lacks sorely in choices for answers, and the mechanics are only rudimentary at best. 

I'd advise learning some scripting, double-checking your work, adding more questions and answers, and trying again. 

-- Kiel_Farren on 2/7/2015 4:38:38 AM

2. "feel free to post any comments. They can be very negative, but please no language." 

Fuck off. 

"(Since this is a Quiz, not a story. I bet I will get a 3)" 

No, it got a low rating because it's a low effort quiz, and here's why: 

The quiz is simple. You have a question (all of them are fairly easy), and two answers. Two answers. You have a 1/2 chance of guessing the answer correctly, instead of the standard, and more interesting, 1/4. Why is this the case? Why are there not more answers? And why is the Icarus question so obvious? It's like you didn't even try to make convincing alternatives (or an alternative I should say) answers on that question. And why are there questions revolving around Roman gods in a Greek mythology quiz? Do tell. 
Not only that, if you do guess the question wrong, it's game over. There's no, "hey you got it wrong and here's why", it's just over. Done. That's extremely lazy design. 

It does lead onto my second point: A lack of a scoring system. There's no positive or negative feedback when you answer a question or finish the quiz. It's over, well done, or game over. Not exacting enticing. 

Also, in response to another review which I happened to glance at, the questions are not obscure facts. They're pretty obvious to anyone with basic Greek mythology knowledge. They're not even mildly hard. 
Subjective, I know. 

Conclusion: Play if you're extremely board, but don't expect much in the way of gratification.

-- Madbrad200 on 10/28/2016 2:31:20 AM

3. In one of your questions you asked what Theseus was given by the gods to defeat Medusa. But, as you even stated in an earlier question, it was Perseus, not Theseus, who slayed Medusa. 

Aside from that, the content of the game was acceptable. One thing that annoys me, though, is that an incorrect answer will automatically end the game. You should be able to create a score system with a single variable, so there is really no excuse for an instant game-over. 

Also, it would have been nice if you included some questions about the more neglected characters and aspects of Greek mythology, like Bellephron, Demeter and Persephone, Narcissus and Echo, Pan, the labors of Heracles, etc.

-- Anonymous on 2/8/2015 3:14:57 PM

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Bounty Hunter:

4. As far as I could tell, this storygame was put together properly with functioning links and (mostly) correct writing, but it just felt very bland. 

As others have stated in the comments, the description and backstory are severely lacking. It did its job but at a bare minimum, as if the author was scared of being penalised for going over a word limit. 

There are these Ulga creatures, but I don't know much about how they look other than they look like insects and they have wings. What does Jupiter's fourth moon look like, other than it's rocky? Has the protagonist ever been here before? Does he/she often venture out to other planets or moons, and if so, how do they compare to their current location? These little details are all things that could be added here and there, and I think it would enrich the experience for the story a little. 

I did see you add details here and there about the habitats and commonly found locations of the Ugla, so that was promising. Maybe add another layer of information like that, and you could have yourself a living world inhabited by vibrant, life-like creatures.

-- 31TeV on 11/16/2016 9:44:18 AM with a score of 500

5. *Add Science Fiction tag

=======================

The Snake Fiasco:

6. It is an alright story though snakes were largely absent from it, some foreboding signs and hints of what is to come would have added tension (Snakes on a Plane has good ideas for this). My favourite part is your blurb in which you told a community of people who are here because they enjoy reading and writing story games exactly what a story game was :) Even among the general public I suspect it's not such a novel idea now but it's good to see your level of enthusiasm :D Overall I quite enjoyed this and the writing was good.

-- Will11 on 11/9/2014 11:37:13 PM

===========================

Immsmore Gallery:

7. This is... actually rather fascinating. I'm very curious as to what's going on and I find the descriptions admirable, even though I'm disappointed to see that you used the same part (about the shallow breathing for "is it alive") for almost every creature, save the Harlequin Jester. 

Unfortunately this is ... not a full story and nothing is explained. I don't understand why you posted this or what event you're talking about. You really shouldn't post something fragmented like this, and if you're going to regardless, you should explain more fully what it's for. 

I've never heard of the Subeta Immsmore Event, so I dunno wtf it's about, but you... certainly -could- have something here if you'd complete it.

-- Kiel_Farren on 12/18/2014 9:20:18 AM

============================================

Quiz: Do you know Myadventuregame.com? Part 1 2002-2003:

8. It was sort of interesting learning about the old days of CYS, or MAG as it was called back then. It was an ok quiz but it could have been better. 

The writing could have been better because this game had quite a lot of typos. I say this almost every time when leaving a comment for a game, and it's kind of getting tiresome. Please just proofread more carefully. 

The questions were ok, and somewhat informative about this website in its early years, but I feel that it might have been nicer to have more meaningful information. I'm talking about things like number of MAG points or dates of posts, which I feel aren't that important or interesting. The quiz did feel a little repetitive in this way. 

I didn't appreciate the way, like so many other quizzes, you would get an end game link for every wrong answer. That's what the advanced editor is there for. Having said that, I did appreciate the clues you gave us at those game over pages if we got an answer that was close. 

Overall, this quiz was kind of meh... could have been better but could have been worse.

-- 31TeV on 10/21/2014 2:43:28 AM with a score of 19

9. *Add Part of Series tag

=============================

A Day In The Life of A Slice of Bread:

10. -I am sorry to say that due to you being such a pussy, you have flooded an entire planet with your tears. There are no survivors. Also, you're soggy. 

Your a pretty funny dude, sleepy. You should definitely make more like this, but let me explain why. 

1. I found no grammar errors in my first nor second playthrough, so grammar is fine, but I may be wrong. 

2. Short and sweet, at least. Not all good stories must be long (just look at SNOW), and this one seems to be the right length for this type of story- short and humorous. 

3. Yeah, and it's pretty funny too. Look at the beginning of the review- I am sorry to say that due to you being such a pussy, you have flooded an entire planet with your tears. There are no survivors. Also, you're soggy. That's pretty funny, I laughed at this. 

I'm wrapping this up- I gave this story a 6/8 for this not being a bad story at all. I mean, it's nowhere near as bad as a lot (and I mean a LOT) of other stories on here. So go you, sleepy. 

-- RoyalGhost_007 on 5/19/2015 12:01:42 AM

====================================

Out Alive:

11. OK story. 

Good: 
1. Pictures 
2. Mood 
3. Creative plot 

Bad: 
1. Shortness 
2. Spelling 
3. Inconsistent perspective (you, my) 

Ugly: 
1. Lack of paragraphs 
2. Run-on sentences

-- urnam0 on 10/8/2013 10:51:04 PM

============================

If Ninjas Could Fly:

12. I liked the combat mechanic; I just wish there was a compelling context for it to exist in. After a while, with no driving plot, the fights felt long and repetitive. There were a few glitches and loops as well. 

All in all, this feels more like an exercise in scripting combat rather than a full blown storygame.

-- the_quiller on 8/20/2014 10:56:55 PM with a score of 0

===================================

Dead End:

13. Oh boy. This was a rough one to revisit. I was clearly playing way too much Dead Rising while I wrote this. Not TERRIBLE for however old I was at the time, but definitely not worthy of being published. Gathering an assortment of different options is a neat idea, but unforgivably underutilized. You only have two chances to use them before abandoning all of them for the shotgun. What a waste. I clearly hit a point where I just wanted to finish the damn thing and rushed through it. There are far too many glaring grammatical errors and no real options. You can either follow the linear path or die. 

The concept of a satellite that awakens the recently deceased is nonsense, but it's a neat little idea. The motivations of the terrorists being, "We want to kill Americans before of their gross porn and stuff" is absolutely hilarious. Overall, I gave it a 2/8. Nice try, 13 year old me.

-- DarthVader_13 on 9/13/2016 8:06:15 AM with a score of 110

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The Murder at the Museum:

14. It was a good game. I liked the interrogate/investigate options(Helped me believe I was a detective). I liked that, for the most part, the spelling was good and you added a little humor. Also, I liked that it was a pretty good mystery and that when I used my items most of the time it went to another page. 

There were some problems though. 

The game was very short(Which in retrospect isn't too bad but left me wanting more). The mystery, though interesting in the beginning, kind of fell off at the end. I know you were going for funny but I thought that this was a serious game(What with a man getting his throat slit) and for it to just end that way was kind of disappointing. Also, to add to the experience, in my opinion, it would have been nice to have pictures. 

All in all, it was a good game but some of its flaws held it back. 

5/8

-- JMgskills on 7/25/2013 1:11:57 PM with a score of 0

==========================================

Underground to Canada:

15. Add Historical tag

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

The Bounty Hunter story link isn't working and I didn't feature DV's comment on his own story. (Even if he did give himself a 2)

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending Cows VS Aliens for featuring.

Aside from it being in the everything else category, where literally every game is garbage, it'd also be the final game BZ needs to officially unofficially get a trophy. The game is so good is made me open up my account again. Not really a tough decisioN

COWS VS ALIENS 2020

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Yeah this was suggested by a few others, I’ll post a voting thing again.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
Danka CYS Stranger! ^v^

(or Adank - as the case may be haha!)

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
WIBN's "Solstice" deserves a featured comment

A well written story about school. This one felt more 'school' to me than any other in the contest. The characters felt real and believable and the setting seemed very tangible. Good entry. My only nitpick is that many of the choices didn't really have consequences and so it felt less like interactive fiction and more like just fiction.

-- donteatpoop on 7/7/2016 1:35:24 PM with a score of 220

Solstice

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Please, I love other peoples' comments. Keep 'em coming.
 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending a comment for deletion:

1) Die zombie

 

Ooohhh my terd I just realized that autocorrect doesn't recognize the word teed wait we where talking about the gam ohh yeah it was good rated it 8 now back to feeds so I was walking my dog one day and I was forced to use that bag I got-"ohh no bye stop reading before he finishes you know what I just submitting the comment" and the dog just went an-

-- TinyTerd10 on 10/22/2016 9:45:10 PM with a score of 1133

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

(Ah, that actually reminds me.)

As hilarious as these comments are...

Recommending comments for deletion in:

Cows vs. Aliens! 

1. I apologize for being rude, but this is ridiculous...I mean, seriously. 
Sorry for doing this Berks, but these comments are just begging to be given attention by someone who has more than -1 brain cells...I fear that I may not meet these requirements tomorrow. 

"Wow I just can't believe how good this was. I loved some of the card names and overall good humor. Did I mention humor is one of the MAIN reasons I play zombie and alien storygames. I also liked how it wasn't just full on playing poker with aliens but it also had some storytelling pages. Just keep betting 0 until I get to round five then I would cash out. I would like to congradulate you for getting rated so well this quickly. I had to problems 1. HOW DO YOU PLAY POKER!? Is it something batman does to the joker? and 2. I can't seem to FTW to win (maybe I should just keep playing instead of cashing out on round 5). It was really good and the only thing I would change is I would write out how to play poker somewhere on the how to play page. 
-- TinyTerd10 on 11/23/2016 12:31:40 AM with a score of 140" 

-Have I mentioned that I _hate_ blocks of text? 
-Actually, I agree with some of that. I did think the card names were funny, and I liked how there was a plot. 
-"congratulate", I believe you meant. 
-Not "to", "two". One is a number, and the other is something that expresses motion and direction. I would kind of understand mistaking "to" and "too", but "to" and "two" is ridiculous. 
-Something Batman does to Joker? Ooh. Don't let the whatchamacallit fangirls see that. It might give them ideas that involve the word "lemons". 
-"I can't seem to FTW to win" I can't seem to for the win to win. Sounds legit. 
-"It was really good and the only thing I would change is I would write out how to play poker somewhere on the how to play page." 
I totally agree! Because you know...its not like Berks didn't list every single thing about how to play Poker _right_ on the How to Play page. Because obviously that picture called "POKER HAND WINNINGS" is just decorative and doesn't explain anything about winning hands at all. Obviously. [/sarcasm] 

"And no offense but BigRon77 you misspelled I (you didn't capitalize it) actually forgetting to capitalize I sounds like something I would again no offense and here's a tip(ping cows) if you ever misspell blame the keyboard but I would say the hardest part of the game was trying to find anything bad about it. 
P.S. Can someone help me figure out why puncuation i actually helpful 
-- TinyTerd10 on 11/23/2016 12:53:11 AM with a score of 140" 

-Yes, mention Ronn's single mistake because, y'know..._you don't go ahead and do it on your next comment or anything...._ 
-Also, how in the heck does not capitalizing something mean "omg you misspelled it"? Please. Google what "misspelled" means. I think you have a different understanding of the word than most people... 
-"tip(ing cows)" No. Just no. 
-Blame the keyboard? Can we also blame the keyboard for your lack of commas and periods? :) 
-"Can someone help me figure out why puncuation i actually helpful" 
.....you garbled up this so much, even I am confused about the meaning. 
Are you asking why punctuating "i" is helpful, or asking for help with punctuating, or like...why punctuating is helpful? Or some other thing my inferior brain can't even begin to comprehend? Just saying...that last thing doesn't even make sense. 

IS not i stupid keyboard (see blaming the keyboard helps)
and how did i not see that in my proofread 
-- TinyTerd10 on 11/23/2016 12:55:44 AM with a score of 140 

-Blaming the innocent keyboard for your mistakes :) Good on ya! 
-And ooh. "i". *cough* hypocrite *cough* 
-I'm guessing the reason you never saw that in your proofread was due to the fact that either 
A) You didn't proofread...which isn't apparent or anything due to all the lack of punctuation, and misspelled words, and missing stuff, and other glaring mistakes. 
Or B) Your idea of grammar is very different from normal writer's. 

Anyways, I'm not normally this...snappy? But this was just stupid. 
Now I feel much better.

-- Seto on 11/23/2016 2:44:50 AM with a score of 2000

(Still, you may as well give Seto some sort of compensation for his hilarious comment on Tiny's own terrible comments that didn't have anything to actually do with well, the storygame.)

***********************************************

2. IS not i stupid keyboard (see blaming the keyboard helps)
and how did i not see that in my proofread

-- TinyTerd10 on 11/23/2016 12:55:44 AM with a score of 140

***************************************************

3. And no offense but BigRon77 you misspelled I (you didn't capitalize it) actually forgetting to capitalize I sounds like something I would again no offense and here's a tip(ping cows) if you ever misspell blame the keyboard but I would say the hardest part of the game was trying to find anything bad about it. 
P.S. Can someone help me figure out why puncuation i actually helpful

-- TinyTerd10 on 11/23/2016 12:53:11 AM with a score of 140

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Yes XD I went a bit... >_> *coughs* anyways...

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

More than a few people are complaining about Terd being an idiot with his comments. He got a penalty.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Well, to be fair...I'm guessing he was never warned xD

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
I love these guys with negative points. Ha.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Well then, we won't be needing this next comment of his either, right? ^-^

How To  Play A Game

1) I lurnd thngs butt canadau teech mee hoe two speel

-- TinyTerd10 on 11/20/2016 3:38:42 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

He just got his warning that if he keeps doing it, he's getting worse than point penalties.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

He probably thinks that his comments were genuinely more than what they were. I'm not really sure, but it seems that it's likely that was the case.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Well, remember his first story? I'd say that is definitely the case.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

He's been sending annoying PMs with a lot of misspelled words as well.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Oh...speaking of...

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Very cryptic. Hmmm.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

So does this dude have mental issues or does he have zero understanding of basic written English?

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

He's just trying to make End's list. Nothing much :)

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

1. Recommending a comment for featuring

Siblings

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/siblings

This is a big improvement over your first story. I can see what WIBN meant about passive language--there's a lot of info to absorb in the first couple of pages and it could be tightened up and presented in a more gripping way--and I also noticed a bit of tense switching, but once the story got rolling it all came together. The action was handled well and being a sidekick to Carla the Action Hero was fun.

(Okay, well...the protag is an unbelievable weenie for being physically knocked over by the kickback for a revolver of all things. Makes me suspect the author themself has never fired a gun, but that's a minor nitpick.)

But please, please do a more thorough proofread next time, or look for a volunteer on the Writing Workshop section of the forum. There were a lot of punctuation errors scattered throughout, and the recommendation I made on your last story about sorting out dialogue tags still stands.

Still, this was a solid modern action story, and we don't get too many in this style. Looking forward to reading your next story.

-- mizal on 11/22/2016 11:32:42 AM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygames for tagging & other things:

A Blaze of Glory: Chapter One 

1. Fantasy tag 

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Simon's Day

2. Category change to Everything Else 

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Mission X-17 

3. Maturity change to 6

Reasoning: "Warning: Some parts of this story are quite gruesome, if easily grossed out do not play."

The dead ends in this storygame does exceed that of the maturity rating that it has.

4. Serious tag 

5. Geared for Extremists tag

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

1. Recommending comments for featuring

Conned

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/conned

 Good storygame, though a bit linear and short. The writing was good, though the amount of detail could be improved on. The characters were pretty bland, more character development would've been appreciated. The spelling and grammar were decent, I didn't find many mistakes. You understand the basics of items and utilize them pretty well, though you could've given more emphasis to obtain the two items in the start, such as "I can't remember if I left something in the backseat." This way, you give the reader incentive to check the backseat.

There's not enough details to tell the reader which choice is okay and which one is not. For example, when the character needed to steal money, all that is told about the situation is who is being robbed and what your robbing from, nothing more. Better details would've been: "You see a purse on a table. Scanning the restaurant, you see a woman who appears to be talking to some friends, with nothing on her. You see a man with a wallet in his back-pocket, with a beer in his hand. You see a wallet on a table. Looking throughout the restaurant, you see nobody standing except the woman." The woman could finish her conversation at any point, turn around, and catch you in the act. The man is drunk, allowing you to easily pickpocket him. The person with the wallet is nowhere to be seen, allowing you to easily steal their money. Now, this scenario gives the reader enough information for them to make a logical decision.

Overall, you have potential to create a great storygame if you put in the time and effort to expand the length and allow the story to branch off in different paths. 5/8, I'm looking forward to your next storygame!

-- Bannerlord on 11/6/2016 6:12:46 PM with a score of 0

2.  So, whether I start walking or call, someone just immediately shows up within two minutes, who shows up knowing who I am even if I haven't called him. 911 doesn't work, just "BECAUSE". You're not allowed to do that. That's not how games work. He's some how able to steal my car in the time it takes for me to turn slightly, which is just stupid. The van breaks down in seconds even though it managed to drive at least the three miles out to me. In the time it takes for me to notice the engine's on fire, it fuses the door metal together. Ridiculous. Mickey can distinguish my car from dozens of others. He's able to trace his credit card... to find out where... what? How can he trace a credit card? What technology does he have in that computer? That's not how anything works. Credit Card's don't have GPS. Then, apparently if I didn't take some pretzels from my car, I starve to death. That's just wrong. Also, why the fuck is Mickey unwilling to help me get my car back unless I give him twenty dollars, but willing to lend me his delivery truck? Why? There's just a car of... abandoned poison bottles? For some reason? OK then.

I toss toxic liquids at some guards, seemingly killing them. Why the fuck am I willing to murder two people to get my truck back? I don't even try to talk to them! Guards are willing to murder me for... trespassing? Murder's a serious crime to protect a truck thief. Then, the law gets my car! Even though they didn't earlier. This is the most bullshit ending possible. It's like if throughout a movie a guy trying to get home had a teleporter that just didn't work, then at the end it just works. Fuck off, that's why. This is just stupid. The game makes no logical sense, and is just ridiculous to an extreme.

There of the immediate choices lead me absolutely no where, so they just shouldn't be there. Call 911 leads to you just saying "No, doesn't work. It would in real life, but eh." "Cry" leads to no where, and "Jump off a cliff" just gives me nothing. These choices just shouldn't be here. Although there's many links, there's not really many choices. The choice to "Cry", or "Look outside", if these choices are ridiculous or lead to a single line before forcing me to pick something else, aren't choices. Choices should lead to branching out. Having three rooms to check, and the story only progresses if I check room 2, that's not a choice.

-- Steve24833 on 11/12/2016 8:03:14 AM with a score of 0

 

3. Afraid of Monsters: The Loose End

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/afraid-of-monsters~3a-the-loose-end

There were several grammar errors, and I kept trap of two pages, but gave up after that. The errors weren't noticeable, and the story was actually pretty engrossing for me after a few pages.

My major issue with the story would be how it ended so soon. Or, how it COULD end really soon. It ruins the mood of the story, and doesn't really leave the reader satisfied. The True Friend ending was better, but I was kind of at a cliff-hanger, and for a story this short and only a very small chance of a sequel, the ending should not have been a cliff-hanger. It felt incomplete, basically.

There was a purpose for the character right upfront, which I liked. It was expressed very clearly too. I got attached to Allen as well; he appeared to be a very charismatic character compared to the protagonist, and that contrast was great.

This story has a lot of potential, and it would be awesome if it were expanded!

Grammar Stuff for those Two Pages:
Here are the pages I did. I believe they are pages 1 and 3:
Page: You are Phoebe Phair
“You walk back to your room, feeling defeated, and cheated of what should have been a simple task considering how close you had gotten to Allen.” No comma after “defeated”.
“You blew your first chance, any other mistakes will almost certainly mean death.” Add “and” after “chance,” or replace the comma after “chance” with a semicolon.

Page: You will beg for a second chance.
“Hopefully you can convince her that you can get Allen.” Comma after “hopefully”.
“You almost make it before Amilia turns the corner into you.” It might sound better if you do “Amilia turns the corner and into you.”
 "Oh hey, Phoebe." She says in her saccharine voice. Add a comma after “Oh”. Replace the period with a comma, and make the “She” lowercase.”
"Fedosia just sent me to get you for her, come with me.” You might want to do: “...get you for her. Come with me.”
“You don't want to follow her but she's leading you directly where you want to go, and she has direct orders from Fedosia so you really have no choice.” Comma after “her” and “Fedosia”.

-- Crescentstar on 10/25/2016 8:50:30 PM with a score of 0

4. Halloween Fright

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/halloween-fright

Well, I feel the whole "asshole bullies who will literally murder you if you try to fight is a super-unrealistic way to start off the story. You're not going to get murdered for trying to fight against your bullies. Sure, it won't go well, but you could've just had the protagonist beaten up and had his candy taken, so that it just ends on "With your night ruined, you slump home injured and upset." There, you don't have a widely annoying and unrealistic murder, but its still clear this isn't really an ending. You do this ultra-depressing thing a fair bit. Like sure, when the protagonist gets stuck trying to push open the stone door and murdered, that makes sense. but having the investigation cut short because no one cares about you is retarded and having your family killed, and just makes me think you wanted to give the reader a REALLY unsatisfying ending for some spiteful reason.

It seems you switch between the kind of brutal writing style like "...convulsing and shitting yourself like a retarded infant" that's so commonly used by Endmaster, but I don't think it's really a good place to use it in a story told from the perspective of a tiny, apparently normal kid, in a setting that really doesn't justify it. It's just jarring.

I also don't think a group of bully assholes would be willing to face off against a group of cultists in a street battle.

Not really sure what's going on with the cultists, either. Apparenlty they're a bunch of teenagers (not the most terrifying group) that are here to... I don't know. Communicate with ghosts or some shit? Even though they could've just literally walked in to talk to the ghost? That could've been fluffed out.

I really think that ghosts don't have the power to teleport people, and if they did, they'd have to the power to kill the people slightly down the hall in the Mauseleum. Anyhow, I'm sure when you inform Randy that there's a bunch of headless cultists in here, he'll investigate and leg it, especially seeing as they run out when they hear screams from the vampire.

It does seem a lot of the characters in this don't really have any actual traits, or at least none that make sense. There's a street gang willing to murder kids and face cultists in a knife battle even though they seem to have the time to lock kids in Mauseleums and wait there for the night, there's a group of cultists that seemingly haven't noticed the ghost slightly down the hall, and there's a ghost that can teleport people but can't kill those down the hall and is willing to possess you to take your body, but also doesn't when you break into its room after leading to the cultists death for some reason. Admittedly, you had a short time, but there's a lot underdeveloped here that could be worked on.

Although really everything I've said so fair has just been critiques, it was a good story. It was a fairly interesting setting with some choices, and you show a fair bit of quality with your writing. Well done on getting this out there. Hope to read more of your work.

-- Steve24833 on 11/12/2016 7:27:15 AM

 

5. Airport Nightmare

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/airport-nightmare

The story is well constructed with little to no spelling or grammar errors. There is a good air of mystery but a tad more explanation could be helpful at times, like why can't other people see the baddies and why are they after you. also some of the choices and outcomes didn't make sense or were vague like at one point the story states you are running faster because you don't have your heavy suitcase with you anymore but then later you can choose to use your suitcase as a weapon how did you get it back, did your friend bring it, did you take the time to go to baggage claim? it's little things but if cleaned up it would really help flesh the story out completely. You've got a good start so don't stop writing.

-- BigRonn77 on 11/15/2016 11:15:08 AM

6. Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category

Day 6209

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/day-6209

Move from Everything Else to Modern Adventure

 

 

 

 

 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

(Smaller more convenient bite-sized storygame suggestions to help on making CYS Great again with even less of the time required :p Also, still recovering from Thanksgiving. I'm not very fond of turkeys.)

Recommending storygame tags:

Celestial Lies: Chapter One 

1. Fantasy tag 

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Celestial Lies: Chapter Two 

2. Fantasy tag 

*********************************

Trapped Inside the Tower of Hanoi 

3. Puzzle tag

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

1. Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category

Running

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/running

Move to Modern Adventure (currently in Mystery/Puzzle)

Reason: There is no mystery or puzzle

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending comments for featuring

Tower of Riddles

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/tower-of-riddles

1. Full Disclosure: I delight in solving tricky riddles, so this game was right up my alley. That being said, it is more of a GAME than a STORYgame, but I found it quite enjoyable all the same.

First of all, the riddles are simply brilliant. They begin easy enough, but morph into complicated and powerful foes that require some serious thought to take down. I really appreciated how they followed traditional riddle patterns instead of simply being difficult and annoying questions.

Second, the presentation was excellent. From the humorous writing to the touch of meta to the evocative illustrations to the clever interaction - this game made use of its medium to the fullest. Clever riddles couched in enjoyable reading? Yes, please!

Finally, I wish to commend the author on the polished prose with which this tricky tale is woven. While spelling, grammar, and overall style generally don't make or break a storygame, it's nice to have an experience free of such minor but nagging distractions.

Thank you for all the challenges and fun reward!

-- WordSmith37 on 10/5/2015 4:02:40 PM

 

2. I'll admit, the riddle that took me the longest time was the one I supposedly came up with. I must have wasted about half an hour just staring at it as I tried to figure out what had three eyes and fit the criteria. Thus, the next page had me laughing out loud.

All in all, this was an incredible amount of fun bound up in witty dialogue and wry humor. Excellently written, grammatically perfect, and consistently clever, this game has only one flaw that I can think of - replaying it just wouldn't be the same after you've already solved the riddles. It makes me almost wish I could delete the memories just so that I could play through it again.

I suppose all that's left for me to do is to recommend this to as many people as I can and live vicariously through them.

8/8.

-- the_quiller on 7/18/2014 3:25:34 AM

 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygame tags:

1912

1. Quiz tag

**************************

Impulsive. 

2. Geared for Extremists tag

*****************************

Adventures of a Normal Man 

3. RPG tag 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
Amounts to less than pig shit.

Just go ahead and nuke that since it has a ton of stranded links and potentially no End Game links at all. Also, smack them upside the head for being cancer.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Comment for featuring.
1. Mine on 11/29/2016 4:09:42 PM
Thank you

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending  comments for featuring:

Polly wanna cracker?

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/polly-wanna-cracker~3f

1. A strange tale indeed. While very linear with a few typos throughout, it was kind of cute. It had a child-like innocence to it that I find hard to be too harsh on. Could there be more depth to the story sure but if this is a children's story it's not needed. What is lacking is the choice part of the choose your own story with the only real choice being what career path you take which even then didn't seem to impact the story all that much. Proofread to clean up the writing or have someone else proofread it for you. And work on adding more story lines to branch out with. Still it's got potential so keep writing.

-- BigRonn77 on 11/25/2016 10:38:57 AM with a score of 0

2. Well, that was kind of cute, though it was linear and rather short...there really should have been choices that'd affect the story because the ones I clicked did nothing to change anything.
There were also a few mistakes such as "tood" instead of "told", but nothing you can't fix with a little proofreading and spellchecking(There's actually a spellcheck tool)so I suggest you proofread and spellcheck your storygames before you publish next time. Overall, the writing was okay.
Also, I would have liked to hear a bit more about the parrot. Since this is a story centered around a boy and a parrot, your main goal would be to make the reader care about the parrot. While I was given glimpses, there wasn't much.
Some storygames work with the "less is more" approach, but this one doesn't do well like that.

I really do enjoy all the new storygames you've been publishing! ^-^
Keep improving!

-- Seto on 11/23/2016 11:50:45 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Oh, I just noticed this :D
Thanks, Agstand! ^-^

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

No problem

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending Comments for Featuring:

1) ...In Love and War

It wasn't that bad. It's nice to see some plot and a little bit of character development. Also, I haven't read a story on this site about romance that wasn't in a high school or college setting. But there were some problems. 

"gently stroke". You like to use that description a lot so I would suggest cutting back on that. 

Also, the choices that I had were mostly if I wanted to kiss somebody or do something romantic. Now I know this is a romance story but I think it needs to be a little more well rounded. So a little more options to do things other than romance would be good. 

Finally, I don't really like Tyson all that much and I get the feeling you wanted me to end up with him. The guy is moving in on his brother's girlfriend while he is away. Quite honestly, that's low and dirty and I don't really like him as a love interest or character and just because he's injured doesn't give him t

-- JMgskills on 5/24/2012 10:22:53 AM

Continued from previous comment- 

the excuse to do something like that. 

Don't be mistaken though: It wasn't a bad game, especially for your first try. 

Keep trying. 

5/8

-- JMgskills on 5/24/2012 10:24:11 AM

If you can't feature both parts, the first part is still good enough to be featured despite being incomplete.

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2) A Handsome Man

Hahaha, could be longer (Normally you're discouraged from publishing the same day you join, a good game takes time), but this was more interesting than most of the stuff posted in this section. 

Punctuation and capitalization starts falling apart towards the end so I'd recommend taking this down a few minutes for a proofread and polish. 

Expect possible complaints from those too uptight to get into the spirit of being taken off their father's hands. Also, there's a Jane Austen MMO, everjane.com this put me in mind of lol, might be something you'd enjoy. 
 

-- mizal on 9/20/2016 3:53:07 PM

3) I quite enjoyed this, Jane Austen with a modern twist :D The sense of humour was fun, the odd clash between modern and Georgian in both the subjects and the writing was interesting (though at times the change in writing styles was a bit jarring, Womp Womp?) and overall this seemed quite fun in a Pride and Prejudice and Zombies kind of way :D

-- Will11 on 9/20/2016 10:29:18 PM

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4) A stranger's love

One thing I have to say as an avid reader and writer, you need to have a better flow. The character goes from one place to the other too quickly, and meeting the stranger on the first day, instantly forming a connection makes the story go by too fast. Slow it down a bit for your readers to enjoy, make sure the story stays interesting and have the relationship develop naturally. 

Formally Speaking, 
~Kite :0)

-- CursedKite on 12/9/2015 2:44:02 PM

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5) Atari Chronicles

The plot was "meh"-ish, but I can say I did enjoy the writing. The first several pages picked me up, and I can see you did manage to set the exposition. However, it failed, since you ended this work way too quickly. 

I have to ask you a question; why? Why did you end this just as it opened up to the reader? Go to the library and pick a novel. Will you find any that end before they even tell you anything about the story? 

Of course not. Books are not meant to be written like that. 

I'm not exaggerating when I say I learned nothing about this plot. I know it could be some dystopia, or post-apocalyptic, but that's just inferences based on some small details. 

I did notice some grammatical errors in the writing, but nothing too distracting... except for, of course, you didn't make a paragraph when a new speaker... well, spoke. 

Keep in mind this was explictely told to you, by multiple people in the comments section, including me. By not taking our advice grammar-wise, that kind of just means to the common critique-giver (like me, again) that you aren't up to following the site's criteria. 

On paragraph breaks - 
http://www.writingclasses.com/WritersResources/AskTheWriterDetail.php?ID=235 
http://www.writersdigest.com/tip-of-the-day/write-like-a-pro-master-the-rules-of-dialogue-in-writing 
http://www.writersdigest.com/tip-of-the-day/write-like-a-pro-master-the-rules-of-dialogue-in-writing 

Like your last one, I have decided you should probably, instead of working on a second one, polish this up first. It's not fit, in my eyes, to act alone. 

Some general rules to follow in your next attempt: 
-Learn when to start a paragraph 
-Proofread 
-Learn how to implement plotline effectively in story 
-Polish writing 

3/8.

-- FazzTheMan on 12/14/2014 6:21:42 PM

6) That was an intriguing story, the plot from what I can gather was interesting but I have literally no idea what had happened, what was happening or what was going to happen. I'm not sure if that was intentional and like a book the absence of coherency would have let me to close it if the writing hadn't been fairly good. The tone is a bit like the stunned shock you have after a serious accident but some details of the disaster would have helped and also maintaining the lack of explanation did lead me to wonder if my character was a bit on the slow side... I would advise against serialising something this short but if you're keen to get on with your sequel can we have a bit more explanation of Elena, Atari, whatever's happened, who I am etc?

-- Will11 on 12/14/2014 8:44:50 PM

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Note: College Romance was beautiful from the comments. I don't really remember this game, but it definitely sounds like I may have to replay it.

Okay. I took the story twice (took me one minute, it's that short) and now I'm mad. I got a bad ending - I'm fine with that -but what tipped me off was how you wrote "you became less beautiful" and Doug became ugly. Why is a sign of failure ugliness? I remember, the first time I got it, I got a nice enough ending (well, I actually got a terrible one as a trophy wife, but I think you know what I am) it said I was "beautiful". So, are you suggesting that if I'm ugly, I'm not successful? And if I'm beautiful, that's a sign of success? Plus, I hate how the story is just about finding a guy - is there one ending where you end up alone but are still happy? Is the message that if you don't find a guy in college, there's no point to college? Disappointed.

-- DeathPetals on 10/9/2016 2:47:13 PM

I was actually a bit annoyed by this story. I hate the sexism in it - how I become a "trophy wife" and marry a guy "who's smarter than me" because I don't want to become trophy wife, I want to become as video game designer or a teacher, and most of all an author. I hated when you said "you don't understand half of what he's saying" because I probably would have understood it. I disliked the underlining message that a pretty girl - or any girl - cannot be as smart as a guy. It was also quite short. I'll take it again to see if there are any less sexist endings.

-- DeathPetals on 10/9/2016 2:40:47 PM

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Another note: Farewell, My Childhood Self is still my favorite "Love and Dating" game.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yet another note: Hm...why did Athena leave two comments on the same story? I was going to recommend her second comment before I realized that.

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7) Highschool 

Unlike some people I actually read this thing carefully before rating. For instance ThisisBo, the very first line says that "You're a girl named Katie" If thats not telling the readers that the protagonist is a female from the very beginning then I dont know what is. There were very few typos, which is realy rather rare for a game that was made so quickly. The story also had a good amount of humor, or at least I think it did. With all that said there are some short comings. First the story itself is too linear. each time I played it I either got the best possible ending or it started me over. Additionally the game is to short. In the future try to have more pages, more words per page, and more links per page. The other thing I would suggest is having several endings, and I dont mean, "oops you lost" endings either.

-- ugilick on 6/29/2011 10:58:03 AM

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8) I Love You, My Sweet Kate

Unlike the others, I think I will try not to compare this to Snow. I will look at this and comment on this like a story made by itself. 

For a first, the story was actually good. It was captivating and the grammar and spelling was overall Ok. My biggest problem would be the fact that there are so many stories like this already. Two people fall in love, one dies. That's more often than not the summary of most love stories nowadays. But, you obviously have potential and so keep on writing. Just try to find an original idea next time.

-- Penworth on 6/23/2015 12:43:16 AM

9) It's not bad but it does follow an established genre. If you had to work harder to win the girl's love and then soon after you come together she dies that would add more depth, showing the aftermath of the loss or even if the reader was somehow responsible for his lover's death ("damn, shouldn't have had that third bottle of vodka before taking her flying in the family helicopter...") would all make this story take on a life of it's own. As it is at the moment it's a respectable effort but needs more to really stand out.

-- Will11 on 6/24/2015 2:38:08 AM

10) 

Romance CYOAs, much like Pornography, has developed a definite and distinctive plot structure over the years.
Pornography goes a lot like this: 
1. Introduce female 2. Introduce male 3. Introduce fucking. 
Romance CYOAs go like this: 
1. Introduce female 2. Intorduce male 3. Memories 4. Tragically remove the female somehow. 
It's a trifle disturbing that a lot of snuff films have the same structure as both of these, but that's another story, either way I've seen too many Snowclones to actually like them anymore.

-- ISentinelPenguinI on 6/22/2015 10:56:39 PM

 

 

Recommending Comments for Deletion:

Dating: Mission Impossible

11) Well it was decent, good photos, but there are a couple of lines one could say to a woman you left out. Also the lonely, sad face at a dance club can help (depending on the day and club).

-- Kid Narc on 1/10/2003 10:58:19 PM

Reason: Double post

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

The college romance story would have just been another crappy Love and Dating game before people started coming in and making hysterical comments about sexism.

On the plus side, we also learned in that comment section that Malk would be perfectly happy being some old dude's trophy wife...well maybe that bit of info wasn't THAT surprising.

Anyway, my feelings on the story:

Losing your best friend, getting pregnant and becoming trailer trash, and drowning in the toilet. All within 3 clicks. This is one of the better romance games on here.

-- EndMaster on 6/12/2016 5:44:04 PM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

The story still is a crappy Love and Dating game. :P The comment section on the other hand, was pretty funny.

It's not surprising, but it's nice to hear him acknowledge the truth x3

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommended comments for featuring:

The Underground of Lichens:

1. Lichen? A lichen is a composite organism that emerges from algae or cyanobacteria (or both) living among filaments of a fungus in a mutually beneficial relationship. I assume you mean a lycan or lycanthrope, a human capable of taking on the form of a wolf, whether it be by will or an uncontrollable transformation. 

Aside from that, your story leaves a lot of questions unanswered. Why are you in the underworld? Who is Lord William? What relationship does he have to Lucifer? How do you feel about being in the underworld? You could make the game a lot more interesting if you took the time to answer these questions. 

Another grievance I have is the predictability of several choices. Make it difficult for the player to determine which one is the right choice (but don't make the outcomes of the choices so random that the player couldn't reason anticipate such an outcome). 

If you were to fix those problems, it would be a rather nice game.

-- jamescoker1226 on 10/29/2014 6:14:08 PM with a score of 0

2. Hmm, I couldn't help but feel that this game could've had more to it. There's hardly much dialogue in pages and the story itself felt a bit hollow. The main character in particular didn't have anything in terms of character and it was hard to be invested in the story at times. 

The battle itself ended in one choice as well :p Ah, was there really any need for either one of the items at the end? I could see much untapped potential in this game, but I suppose for a bite-sized adventure, I didn't think it was horrible.

-- TharaApples on 11/12/2016 1:01:10 AM with a score of 0

=====================================

A Sonic Story (Chapter 1):

3. I really do think the quality of this story is good. The execution is just horrendous. 

Please, as I've said previously, don't give us a bunch of half baked stories. Please take the time and combine the stories into one big story. Make a chapter selection page. Read some articles on this site about how to use the advanced editor. Trust me, you will see the quality and ratings of your story go much, much higher. 

Ever hear the famous phrase, "Quality over quantity?" 

That being said, Chapter 1 continues where the prologue left off. It's much shorter than the prologue, with "decently" made choices. 

The grammar isn't too bad, which is really what kept me reading the story. Overall, it needs a lot of improvement.

-- AppDude27 on 9/19/2015 2:33:35 PM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending comments for featuring

Samantha

1. This was most certainly a horror poem, and gave me chills at that! However, it was a little hard to follow. I liked the vague and eerie format, don't get me wrong, but I'm unsure of the relation of the man/narrator to the girl/(presumably Samantha)? Also, does the piece ever state the girl's name as Samantha or is the girl that was kidnapped not Samantha, or did I did miss the point in the piece where the identity of Samantha is revealed? 

I feel like a lot of my questions went unanswered in this piece, but I still liked it nonetheless!

-- Nicolerhi on 11/25/2016 2:38:22 PM

2. An interesting story poem. The remorse and sadness are palpable. You can decipher what has transpired enough through the broken memory sort of dialogue that reminds me of stories like Memento or Rashomon

-- BigRonn77 on 11/25/2016 11:08:32 AM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending comments for featuring

Gender in Post-Secondary Education

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/gender-in-post~2dsecondary-education

1. Okay, this was ridiculous. I get that you did this for an assignment for school, but this is a writing site.

Hey! You went to college! Hey! You're a stupid slut that doesn't know about birth control. Of course, you could just be a very devout Catholic, I guess, in which case, props to you? Maybe not so much after the abortion. Catholic Jesus won't like that.

But seriously, random nonsense like that just kills stories. You just lose the reader.

Most of your writing is reasonably acceptable. You rely far to heavily on passive language and really just focus on writing a project rather than an actual story. But on the latter note, you have to choose a better medium for your assignment.

Yet still, I'm missing the point you're trying to make. Is the protagonist in this case supposed to be such a whore that she doesn't know who the baby daddy is? It's not like guys can just knock up girls and get off without paying child support. I mean, they do in some cases, but if we're talking about norms, then, no, they don't. There are social costs for every decision we make, both men and women. And pre-marital sex is one with rewards/consequences for both genders. Why are you forcing a choice and cost on one gender, while apparently trying to illustrate a point about it, without exploring the typical results of the opposite gender's decision? Or at least acknowledging it? At any rate, I think this is where this written work fails the most, as it's not a story, yet still fails on it's actual goal of making a noteworthy comment on gender and education.

-- Bucky on 11/22/2016 10:00:30 PM

 

2. Think I'll have to echo everyone else's advice. You really should have left this in your profile on sneak peek and just given the link with your teacher. Stories posted publicly here are supposed to provide some kind of entertainment, and this was incredibly dry and honestly didn't even have much in the way of choices. Every path I saw was pretty much identical. Ask for advice - pick a school or job - get pregnant!

And I know this was pointed out already too, but it is a little odd that pregnancy is mandatory, yet she never once manages to get in a relationship with anyone on any path, and apparently never bothers to so much as learn a guy's name before having unprotected sex with him.

-- mizal on 11/23/2016 3:11:22 PM

 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending a Comment for Featuring:

Not my recommendation. Give the point to Crescentstar. She's the one who recommended this.

1) Portal World
1/8 for low branching, NON-complex plot, overrating of difficulty(Not really, but I wanted to bring it to your attention), and being very close to linearity (whole story except end has one non-dying path, and end has only six endings including bad, two per destination. Also there is no interaction between individual characters, which while not required would definitely improve the score for this particular story (e.g. diplomacy option for the pirates where you choose what to say? It would have to be much more complex than the rest of the story, no 'one wrong answer? you die, go back and choose the right one'. There's no fun(or pleasure, if you insist) in guess-and-check, and pleasure and helping people develop stories are the only reasons people bother to read any of the books here other than their own) 

-- jason1stlegion on 11/10/2015 8:20:34 PM 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Crescent's finest hour:

Love or Magic 

1. Despite the other comments, I actually expected this to be longer. I really did. I actually, being a typical (dreamy, lonely) teenage girl, really looked forward to reading it when I read the description, but it was very short. The first two pictures set a sweet, dreamy, magical feeling (like the title suggests), and I found it very endearing. 

However, grammar, character, setting, plot--basically the story in general--need major working-on. The idea of the story can actually attract quite a few readers (again, mostly teenage girls), which is very good, but the story is a letdown. 

It's not the best "first story" I've read, but just improve and you'll find much more pleasant results!

-- Crescentstar on 12/2/2016 4:42:41 PM

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My Life as a Magician 

2. Awesome! Plot, some sort of drive (normal school obligations, etc), personality (for some), and pretty good grammar. 

However, the paragraphs were bothering me. Please break them down by dialogue at least, as it's more normal and easier to read that way. Another thing is more background on each character, especially the protagonist and Headmaster. There could also be more description on the school. 

I really liked how the protagonist could have an "attitude", but it was either hot-headed or cowardly/obedient. The consistency with page links is something I don't see often, especially when you don't die if you pick something "wrong". 

This is a decent story and game! Keep up the good work!

-- Crescentstar on 12/2/2016 4:56:08 PM

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Mysterious Kitten 

3. This is decent. Your use of sentences, grammar, and words is correct overall. I like the quest-like feeling of it, though the plot could've definitely been longer. It was basically: 
Find cat-->receive quest-->go to world-->defeat Kougwag 

This is very basic, and can be expanded much more. The directness in which the story is told can destroy certain scenes, but more subtlety, plot, and character background can enhance this story. 

Nice job overall!

-- Crescentstar on 12/2/2016 5:03:24 PM

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Lilly of the Forest 

4. For a young child, I think it's a very good game. It has a storybook-like atmosphere to it, and the vocabulary is well-chosen. For a four~five year old, there maybe are a few words they don't know, but that would make this game an even better learning experience. Nice job!

-- Crescentstar on 12/2/2016 2:29:54 PM with a score of 0

All of these comments for featuring. 

*************************************

Extra- Comment for deletion in:

Mysterious Kitten

5. ?:)

-- robinsoul on 10/28/2015 10:02:03 PM 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

#16

Recommended comments for featuring & tag changes:

A Sonic Story (Prologue):

1. I was being generous with my rating, only because I did like that the story was "Screen Playish" with it's script dialogue. Disclaimer: I'm not a Sonic fan. All I know is Sonic and his friend Tails. 

That in mind, the story was pretty easy to catch up with. Choice-wise, it was all over the place. Some choices would lead to an instant death for no reason, while others did have some logic to it. I did particularly like the conversations. It felt good being able to choose between multiple actions. 

I would recommend changing the game to "A Sonic Story", keep the chapters all in the same storygame. Work with the advanced editor a bit and get used to the functionality. 

Good job, but could be so much better.

-- AppDude27 on 9/10/2015 3:15:55 PM

2. "It's currently unfinished but don't let that put you off." Oh Ok. "You fall down a pit and die. Unfortunate." Oh Ok... sigh. 
As Sonic stories go this was pretty Sonicky, if you like Sonic then this is probably the story for you but if you don't like Sonic then this isn't likely to change your mind. The best thing is you're clearly writing about something you love so that helps the writing, it needs more end-game links, longer pages and more dramatic writing that really makes us care about these computer game characters.

-- Will11 on 9/7/2015 11:04:11 PM

==================

Get out alive:

3. This was a creative idea, but there was no story to it. To me, it just kind of felt like I was running in an infinity band until I beat the game. Also, there wasn't a lot of explanation as to why I did what I did. There was no interaction with anybody else that was there, and I felt like it really didn't stay focused on the mission, finding intelligent life. 

Also, when I read that I was supposed to find intelligent life, I noticed that there was nothing to help me do that and nothing to help me contain/transport whatever I found. Even if it was a ruse, stuff like that helps maintain the illusion. 

I, personally, would like to know WHY it rains fish. That's not necessary to the essence of the story, but it is cool to find stuff like that out. {But that could be just me} 

There wasn't a lot of description on what was there, so I couldn't get a good picture of where I was, or what the environment around me looked like. Same thing with the people I came into contact with. Plus, it seemed like I was SUPPOSED to kill everything -- in the beginning, I was ther to mainly explore, but I didn't save a thing. 

My point in saying all of this is that next time you do this, give it some serious thought and effort into what your doing. I don't know how much work you may have put into this already, and this is always going to be a fact for as long as you're writing, but there will always, always, always be something to improve. Is making a game like this easy? Sure. But to make a good one takes time. 

I wish you luck on your next one.

-- writersabbey on 9/17/2015 10:09:26 AM with a score of 0

4. *Remove Geared for Extremists tag

5. *Remove RPG tag

============

Get Out Alive 2:

6. This was in a similar vein to the last on but it seemed very buggy at times. I collected all the items I could, but could not progress until I did a weird and seemingly random series of directions, running up and down the road until the direction I was trying to get to finally showed up as a clickable link again letting me progress. 

Without the bugs it was an easily solved and short, but interesting item game. with the bugs it was a frustrating short item game.

-- FeanorOnForge on 10/21/2016 5:26:50 PM with a score of 0

7. *Remove RPG tag

=============

Survive The Apocalypse:

8. Add Post-apocalyptic tag

===================

Blast from the Future:

9. Um... was there a sensible plot here? The way that the science fiction part of it was very rigidly incorporated. Some of the paragraphs would be better broken up, and the plot could've been longer. I didn't see the actually PURPOSE of the story. There weren't many details, and it seemed a lot like, "Noun verb object; noun verb object," to me. It felt kind of stale, not engrossing, and no effort seemed to be put into it. 

This storygame needs some working on.

-- Crescentstar on 10/25/2016 3:29:33 PM with a score of 0

10. Very short. I'd change the items once combined into one instead of leaving them in pieces in your inventory. A few spelling errors. It's not too bad for a second attempt I can tell you put some time into it. I'd work on making the branches of you story go longer as this one felt like it ended very abruptly.

-- BigRonn77 on 10/24/2016 11:46:32 AM with a score of 0

==============================

Conquest: Chapter I:

This:

11. I like that you've included multiple endings in this storygame, and choices that lead to different outcomes. This is how storygames should be, however unfortunately it's not always the case on CYS. 

With that said, there was a lot wrong with this. 

The grammar is dodgy. To give just one example, in the sentence, "There was a Great War that once plagued the land when it was once worth something, now its like the giant version of a New York allyway, nothing but trouble." you use "its" instead of "it's", misspell "alleyway", and use the word "once" twice. You also capitalise "Great War" and refer to it as "a Great War" rather than "the Great War", suggesting that a Great War is a name (like World War II for example) rather than a description of a big war - this is okay, but you proceed to not give any details about this Great War, which leads me to my next point. 

You leave a lot unexplained. What happened in the Shayr War? Who are all these characters you're introducing? 

The choices sometimes lead to unexpected and unlikely consequences. Clicking on "get a job" gets you killed for looking at a gem. How is the reader meant to foresee this happening? 

Finally, what is a car doing in a fantasy storygame?

-- October on 3/3/2013 1:14:14 PM

Replace this:

Not bad, I think the events need to be more streatched out. The whole thing moves to quickly. You introduce new characters in the blink of an eye, you find out they are important without warning. there isnt an appropriate amount of set up for the major events in the story. You need to work on your build up.

-- ugilick on 7/9/2011 2:29:17 PM

12. *Add Fantasy tag

13. *Add Part of Series tag

============

Invasion of the Evil Pickles:

14. Although you say this is 'serious', this is quite obviously a sad attempt at humor :P 
Subject-matter, well, matters. The best comedies aren't just a jumble of inane, crazy things in an absurd, nonsensical wasteland. You need a good, at least somewhat sensical setting before attempting at something like this. Random humor is just used for cheap laughs, if you want to write good humor you have to write something more intelligent than pickles. 
Don't get me wrong, some bizarre, random stories are funny, but you really should want to make something that'll get more than just a chuckle.

-- Tanstaafl on 6/18/2014 7:47:18 PM

15. *Add Humor tag

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending for deletion:

1.)  Romance is a powerful thing

Yeah, I know it hasn't been a week, but he pretty much admitted in the comment section it was for trolling and that he wasn't coming back. Hope he feels accomplished. He'll go far in life.

Also weak plot, tons of instant Game Over links (some which are as simple as "she's gone; you lose"), and less than a dozen pages in total.

I really need to get more points...

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

This isn't a storygame that the admins missed. It was probably going to be deleted today anyway.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
Just ban the author. He admited being a troll. Give him a clean death.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

He's dead.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

How can we ever recover from this sad day?

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

That Not So Great Adventure

1) I'm not sure if this is a really long troll story of a weird effort at satire. It begins well but during the griffin fight you expect us to use our weapons in a totally random order and the ending is a bizarre attack on a computer games company that I guess have wronged you in some way in the past. If you want to make it a satirical attack on that company you need to make it a bit more obvious... the humour was ok and the pictures were a plus :)

-- Will11 on 4/2/2015 11:38:43 PM with a score of 0

2) Good news: This game is exactly what it says on the tin. Grammar and spelling is decent (harder to find than one would think), and the prose doesn't stray too far away from the topic. That being said, this game doesn't have much of a plot at all, and there could be (a lot) more world-building and gaming mechanics involved. Keep working at it, and you'll have a nice game that people won't mind playing, even if the adventure is "not so great".

-- Allusional on 4/2/2015 7:49:24 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending a comment for featuring:

Among the Trees 

For being written in three days this was seriously impressive. Buuuut, we're all aware by now you can effortlessly crank out an above-site-standards story at inhumanly fast speeds, so I think I'm going to have to switch to the Steve Scale to rate these from now on. 

Like always, it could benefit from a proofread (not anywhere near Prometheus levels of lazy, however), and the other trend with your stuff is the relative linearity. If you don't wind up at an instant game over, the plot here stays the same with only some cosmetic changes all the way till the end choices. Bad Steve. 

As far as plot logic nitpicks go, I kept thinking Jacob should be having more of a reaction to Rose's...oddness, or what happened to his family. And I know I already mentioned this, but I was disappointed you couldn't at least attempt to kill the mother while protected from her. Also on that note, I was actually kind of disappointed being gullible as shit around her led to the 'good' ending. I figured she was making a transparent attempt to trick Jacob and went for it first to see the game over, then nope. That's apparently what you were supposed to do. 

Also sort of amusing to me was that Jacob's father and the more puritanical beliefs basically turned out to be right--from the way he was written I'm sure that wasn't your intention, but there it is. The Devil is totally real and out to steal souls, witches exist, and frolicking in the woods leads to bad shit happening. 

And I'll probably be in the minority here, but while I really liked Rose at the initial meetings and thought the whole growing friendship thing was actually really sweet, I ended the story not very sympathetic with her. She made a sacrifice, yeah, but I kind of felt it was on her to communicate certain things beforehand that would've avoided the need for fixing the situation in the first place. 

I definitely don't consider riding off with her to live happily ever to be the optimal ending, considering what happened to the rest of his family just a short while before and how easily preventable it would have been if she'd been more up front. 

One other minor complaint is that I feel that the family, or Meredith at least, could've been developed a little more. You usually don't make a point to establish a character as having a twin, and then not give the twin any scene time or purpose. At least give us an incest path or a chance to sacrifice her, jeez. (TBH I was expecting something to come of you giving her dress away. Hard to believe she never noticed, considering she probably owned like, two, and couldn't exactly go to a store to buy a new one. Oh, and if you choose to 'Do Nothing' instead of getting the dress, it just loops back around to offering Rose a piece of bread, just fyi.) 

But any criticisms aside, this was a solid story and a great entry to the Love & Dating section. Way more interesting than anything L&D usually gets. But it's just...let's be honest here, that basically amounts to you winning the Special Olympics at this point. I'm waiting to see what you can do if you really push yourself. Setting your stuff against the typical CYS fare isn't much competition, and you could be aiming higher.

-- mizal on 12/4/2016 8:48:55 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Gave you a few extra points for your continued dedication. *salute*

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

You spoil me way too much, End ^-^

Buuuut, it's not like I exactly mind it. Not at all, whatsoever. Thank you again.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Crescent's finest hour (redux) comments for featuring:

First Adventure! 

1. This is pretty good despite the lack or sense in the story. It's really easy to win/lose/end game, but if you go through the story knowing its supposed to be funny and light-hearted, it's quite enjoyable. 

Again, there's some grammar issues, but I didn't really notice them because I was more focused the humor. 

There are little fantasy elements, and I think that could be more expanded, as it is a "fantasy storygame". Other than that, the story is good to go as a humor one.

-- Crescentstar on 12/3/2016 7:20:19 PM

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Rise of Vollund II: Koregian 

2. I can see why the rating is 3/8, but I think that's just because people couldn't get past Maze 1. 

This storygame can certainly be improved. The game elements were surprisingly good, though the mechanics of how a battle went could've been better. 

It actually required a bit of problem-solving and riddle-solving at one point which had confused me for a moment but I understood after reading the hints in the text. 

The script-like dialogue style and the lack of description and background was troubling. Again, while the game elements are well done, this storygame lacks good story elements like plot, description, background, etc. 

The ending was really weird, as it wasn't a good enough cliffhanger/regular ending for a "part of a series". It ended abruptly, which confused me, not made me want to read further. 

Overall, it's an okay game, but bad story.

-- Crescentstar on 12/3/2016 10:17:17 PM with a score of 1045

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Songs to Say Goodbye

3. This is very sweet, though I was a little saddened at how short the paths were. Very, very enticing story. Nice background, nice characters, tragedy, and grammar usage. 

One thing about the plot is that you say what is going to happen in the link and describe it out in the page the link brings you to. This is a nice eye-opener and refreshing way to read a storygame. Although it's not normal to do so, I actually liked this way. It prevents immediate dead-links (well... not really, but you still end up knowing what happens) and forces the writer to tell the story of HOW that happened. 

Very sweet characters and interesting story. Your writing skills are great! Keep up the good work; I eagerly wait the next installment!

-- Crescentstar on 12/3/2016 10:26:44 PM

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The Pictures from the Prophecy

4. It felt much like a fable. You called each thing what they are (ex: Rogue, Warrior, Lizardman). I mean, it's not wrong, but it does cut down the story's potential. 

It was a pretty good storygame, but very easy. It was super easy to convince the Lizardman and Warlord to be nice, which was a bit disappointing. 

Your sentences need some improvement. Too many commas exist, and the sentences just run on and on, though are generally correct word-wise. Also, at some points, the dialogue was all jammed into one paragraph. Use correct paragraph division please. 

Overall, it was a decent storygame, but quite basic and could use fleshing out (especially with setting).

-- Crescentstar on 12/4/2016 10:26:50 PM with a score of 0

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Sora (Chapter 1)

5. Um... first before I forget: "He told me, taking another sip of his tea with grace and I was so memorized." What exactly does the last part mean? 

Okay, moving on. Grammar. I caught a few mistakes here and there (the above quoted sentence actually contains a mistake—missing comma), but it doesn't completely destroy coherency, so that's good. 

I really, really like the idea of the story! It went along smoothly and nicely, and it was very enjoyable. However... don't post sections/demos. Most people don't really like them... but if you just HAVE to, at least include "part of a series" as a tag. 

I like how the story picks up and runs, but hate how it ends suddenly at the end of Chapter 1. Please expand! *eagerly awaits* This storygame has A LOT of potential!

-- Crescentstar on 12/3/2016 10:36:58 PM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending a comment for featuring

1.  A Mars adventure

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/a-mars-adventure

Was there a plot based reason the tanks started leaking that I missed, or was that just a convenient way to end the story without actually resolving anything?

Most of this reads like an attempt some kind of children's edutainment thing, not terrible or anything, but with lots of spouting of trivia and incredibly simplistic dialogue.

The idea of NASA sending astronauts on a mission they weren't trained or briefed for is about as silly as astronauts stupidly considering just not mentioning finding a strange crashed lander because they don't feel like having to investigate it, so, lots of questionable logic going on here.

That said, most of the writing is above average and I enjoyed the basic concept here and wish you'd done more with it.

I'm a little regretful this situation with the dialogue formatting meant I had to ding another point from what was otherwise a solid 3 star piece, but that's not how you write or format dialogue at all. (I'd recommend checking out other stories on the site, or maybe opening a book.)

I could tell Mars is a subject that interests you though, and I encourage you to keep writing and practicing. I'm interested to see what happens with a more complete story.

-- mizal on 12/4/2016 3:03:31 PM

 

2. Recommending a tag change for a storygame

Pon-Pon & Zen-Zen

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/pon~2dpon-~26-zen~2dzen

Add romance tag

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Guess who's points I'm stalking...:P

Recommended Comments for Featuring:

1) Antedilluvia

?

For someone who has had a seemingly depressing life of poverty before his decision to leave Rauras (sorry for any misspellings of names), it doesn't seem reasonable for the protagonist to be anywhere near Mundus' skill level in swordsmanship, and even if the protagonist had a background that allowed it, it should have been mentioned. 

There were a few grammar issues I caught, but it didn't interfere with the story. Sadly, the story is very linear and short, which was disappointing, but the experiences with each person was sweet, almost bittersweet, with the tone you set earlier in the story. 

The pictures are beautiful and definitely helped create an atmosphere for the storygame. Expand the plot more, add paths, keep doing what you've been doing (I understand the process is slow for you.) and you'll have a great storygame!

-- Crescentstar on 12/5/2016 10:56:17 PM with a score of 3

2) Adventures of a Normal Man

The fact that English is not your native language is quite clear. "After all, you told him that when he suggested you to girlfriend Casey." <--huh? Also, tommorow is the incorrect spelling of tomorrow. There are many grammar mistakes, and they did disrupt my reading of the storygame a little. 

I applaud you. You managed to put humor and game and story (well, that lacked a little) and decent writing skills together to form a good storygame! 

But. That was basically a demo. No demos please. It ended too soon, even though the story was of medium length... Now I want to read the next part!!!

-- Crescentstar on 12/5/2016 10:31:55 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

D: So you admit to it!!

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
I am a point zombie xD

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Anyways...back to this.

Recommending Comment for Featuring:

1) Demons Stole the Sky

Um... I didn't understand the point of the story. Sure, the triplets decide to go save the world, but that doesn't really explain the purpose of finding all the items. Also, it's really confusing to find everything, the death ends make ot tedious, and the plot wasn't really fleshed out. At least offer a better connection between characters, settings, and purpose.

Grammar... Gr... I noticed a few mistakes, but after a while lost track due to my frustration in how hard it is to "beat the game". I wasn't able to survive, so maybe there's a point where the writing or such improved, but it didn't happen early on and was completely frustrating to play.

I like the title. :)

-- Crescentstar on 12/6/2016 11:32:09 AM with a score of 19

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2) Different Universe

;)

Not bad. I quite liked it. It's not perfect, but its pretty good. The death links so early in the story were annoying. Good story, good elements, good voice. Any grammar issues didnt distract me, but some of the paragraphs were big and hard to read through. Break them down please and thank you.

-- Crescentstar on 12/6/2016 2:39:25 PM

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3) After the "Happy" Part

I enjoyed the experience and it was only slighted detracted by a few grammar and spelling errors, otherwise it is well written and, though it could be a bit more descriptive, it wasn't bad. A little less gruesome than I had hoped, but my expectations are generally far fetched for horror stories, I like them, but they do not affect me in the slightest so don't take it personally.

-- DeathIncarnate on 7/26/2015 7:08:40 AM

4) An amazing story, one that I enjoyed immensely. Not too long, not too much text on each page, well-written and twisted. One of my favourite stories on the site, may I say. One error that I found:
"Her lips formed a strait line."
Where 'strait' should be straight.

Also I think that sometimes your writing was slightly confusing, maybe use names instead of lots of 'he' and 'she'.

-- insanebutvain on 8/26/2014 6:53:56 PM

----------------------------------------------------

5) Alone with a Prescence

Please finish this. That is my first a most important comment. You are excellent at building atmosphere and your use of items is adept. Giving us more than one item to use in a given scenario is dynamic. Having more than one way to solve a problem is a huge plus in my book. The body in the closet was just weird to me. If it is my closet why is the body there, why don't I react to it? How did I not know it was there? If I did, why haven't I done something about it yet? That was the only thing that broke suspension for me. the story-game I played here successfully made me ask questions and want answers. I really enjoyed puzzling and genuinely getting immersed in my attempt to survive. But as soon as I got thoroughly interested I hit a new page and a disappointed, "oh" is all I could manage. Great work, I read through it several times and I really want to see it become what you advertise! My advise: because you let players solve problems in more than one way, it would be perfectly alright for paths to sometimes come back into one, because players will have different items and resources by that point and will therefor have a different experience. This could really be thrilling. So again, please finish.

-- ugilick on 6/13/2015 3:17:05 PM with a score of 0

6) I enjoyed this. The writing in general and the action scenes especially were very good, and it looks like there will be a lot of puzzle solving with all the inventory items. I look forward to seeing this finished, but I should mention that it's usually not a good idea to post demos here. A lot of people will rate it based just on the parts you have written and not get around to giving it a second look when it's finally finished.

And I agree with TheNewIAP that there were some things that could have been better explained. The big one being just what exactly is going on...it started as a surreal dream sequence, then the character was waking up in their home and having to deal with some kind of monster/zombie things. A sentence or two explaining a little backstory would have been welcome.

Originally I hit a dead end after picking the lock. Maybe you should let players leave comments and a rating at that point--I wound up having to backtrack and deliberately get killed so that I could write this.
 

-- mizal on 5/27/2015 5:04:02 PM with a score of 0

7) I like the idea but you might be being a little too ambitious by having too many choices. If you have a branch on every page you can quickly escalate on the 1-2-4-8-16-32-64-128-crazy number scale of pages. The writing is strong and I would definitely recommend finishing it but maybe limit yourself to perhaps a dozen or so overlapping story-lines, each 20-40 pages long? That's still pretty epic but doable if you have the time :)

-- Will11 on 5/26/2015 6:50:55 AM with a score of 0

-------------------------------------------------------

8) Anti Life

This was alright, there were few grammar errors and it seems that it could be good but it is short even for a prologue. On a sidenote, I don't really think this is horror, it's a bit too predictable and I never felt any sense of dread or fear, don't worry though, I haven't read a story yet that made me feel like one should when reading horror, and I've read all of EndMaster's horror.

-- DeathIncarnate on 7/26/2015 6:28:42 AM with a score of 0

9) Alright, so now you've got the basics of items down in the advanced editor. That's good for you.

The story, for its extreme brevity, was the to-the-point. That's one part I liked, in comparison to the usual obscurity in most horrors.

However, the plot itself I KNOW is not original. Not gonna lie, I remembered seeing that scenario somewhere in E3 2014. I guess it WOULD make a nice demo-run, but I'd suggest not going along the same butcher scene. That'd be blatantly ripping off stuff.

Writing style, as far as yours go, is decent.

In short, I'm gonna wanna see more original content from you. That's just about it.

-- Swiftstryker on 7/17/2014 7:27:33 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention Try #2

4 years ago

Recommended Comments for Featuring

1) Apocalypse Then

Lot of potential here and it was a good read - the writing was mature and there were some funny parts. I couldn't find a use for a lot of the items, though, so I must have missed something, and I pretty much found a house and ended the game without getting into any adventures. I did like the details you put into the work; e.g., the comments on the items.

-- madglee on 10/2/2009 10:25:08 AM with a score of 51

2) This isn't terrible by any stretch of the imagination but it's lacking exactly that: Imagination. Your writing is alright, a few errors and typo's but no spectacular failures there, although nothing expansive. It's a little annoying that you got all your friends on here to play and they all gave you high ratings (when this is a 5 at best.. it's way too short and there's nothing special with it at all) but that's not really your fault. I like how you used the advanced editor but I'd like to see some more effort next time. This was just too short and bland.

-- JJJ-thebanisher on 8/21/2009 10:52:10 PM with a score of 0

3) The writing picks itself up with decent humor, but the story is vague and soulless. I feel like there are multiple ways to progress through the story by using the items just from my one playthrough, but the story itself needs to be more compelling and provide motivation other than the standard zombie apocalypse fare. If you expanded on the story and the resulting adventure this would score higher with me.

-- Melike on 8/23/2010 7:31:15 PM with a score of 25

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4) Any reasone?

First of all, grammar. Second of all, more explanation as to the murder of your parents or the rape scene. I get that your brother knocked you up, but why does your sister not do anything about the murder? It is a really good plot and I feel that if you worked on it you could really have something. Also, please correct the title. I do believe you are onto something, so I gave you a 6/8. Do some serious touchups, though. Okay? Thank you for considering my comments.

-- jamescoker1226 on 6/13/2014 11:31:49 AM

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5) Apocalypse Yesterday

Heavy on description but well written, enjoyable and also very well planned: a v strong entry. They've extended the deadline for these stories back to March so you could take this down and work on it or leave it up for Feedback? I explored it for about 30 minutes but didn't encounter any broken links and very few spelling errors, which are practically impossible to avoid anyway when writing so many words. I would give it 7/8 because while generally excellent in some places the writing looks a little rushed but this is the best story game I've seen published on here in quite some time :)

-- Will11 on 1/3/2015 5:09:23 AM

6) I must admit that at first, I was going to leave a comment wishing for earlier character development, but by the end I changed my mind. The story gets better as it progresses, and early questions in the reader's mind are answered. Some very nice descriptions and solid combat. There are definitely a lot of grammatical/syntactical errors, but they rarely took away from my enjoyment. A strong effort.

-- madglee on 3/1/2015 12:43:35 PM

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7) Archangel

This was a good storygame. It was linear but it was more story driven than most. I liked that you didn't rush into the action and gave the readers some solid set up / backstory before getting to the main action. Pretty cool fight towards the end.

There was also a nice twist on a genre/theme that is overused, both on this website and in general.

The writing could have done with more time being spent on it, maybe a little more detailed and more proofreading. I did see your reason for not spending ages on this and that's fine, but maybe more detail would be good for your future stories.

-- 31TeV on 10/11/2014 5:39:04 AM with a score of 0

8) Very good for a first storygame. Unfortunately, my comment will simply repeat what others have said, but these things bear repeating, so here we go.
No. 1: The religious elements. Absolutely, 100% support them. Regardless of my personal views, this site has games with magic, star wars, zombies, and talking animals, so "credibility" or any such argument is moot. Additionally, with a title like "Archangel," it's pretty clear that the story will at least have a religious subtheme. I support the religious aspects in this game, and if there is to be a sequel (as I hope there will be), I hope that it would be maintained.
No. 2: As some people have said, this story is a little railroaded at present. I would recommend something more like a "3 strikes system": each time the player makes a "less-than-ideal" choice, describe them as getting wounded in some way. After the third bad idea, the player actually dies. (Note: 3 is a good number, but not essential. you can have a 2 strikes or 12 strikes system and have it still be effective, but the most important thing is for the number of strikes to add a sense of consequence, without being overly restrictive.)
No. 3: You have a really, really good writing style. Your story starts out as more descriptive, with lots of minor details present, then begins to drop details as the pace of the story and the action begin to pick up.
Long story short: The story is really well written, you just need a little more help with the "game" aspect, to make this (or its sequel) as good as it can be. Well done overall, though, and I'm looking forward to the next one!

-- MagmaArmor0 on 10/16/2014 7:35:52 PM with a score of 0

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9) Brains

The potential is certainly there... Well written with perfect spelling and grammar, but somewhat lacking in a relatable character and not exactly realistic (as reListic as a zombie apocalypse can be, mind you). A few more choices and increase in length would have been nice.

All in all it was amusing and structured well. There are definitely worse stories out there.

-- Starky on 4/14/2015 8:04:08 PM with a score of 0

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10) Cannibals Roam

Got the BEST ENDING and this got some laughs out of me. You didn't need the disclaimer in the description, it didn't matter that it was your first story, though I enjoyed it and hope it won't really be the only one you write.

I like that we got all the usual action/zombie cliches out of the way right away (well most of them...you forgot to make her a MMA expert with a katana in addition to being a hot 22 yr old scientist...) and it was all just good silly fun even if it was pretty short.

-- mizal on 3/10/2016 9:53:13 AM with a score of 0

11) It's certainly wacky, and with some self-referential humor that lampoons the zombie genre. I enjoyed playing through it, and even if there wasn't much suspense because the consequences of every choice were essentially laid out, I didn't mind it because your quirky writing style was more interesting, personally, than a zombie story where I already (roughly) knew what to expect.

My only advice would be 'show not tell', since there are a lot of ways to build up your character as a young, intelligent badass without info-dumping everything right at the start.

Other than that, for a first game, it was a good start, and I hope this isn't your only game because I'd enjoy seeing more games in this wacky style of yours. If this is what you could throw together in a day, then I'm sure you could put together something really worthwhile if you gave yourself more time.

-- the_quiller on 3/10/2016 6:36:39 AM with a score of 0

12) Er... ok. You need to have a lot of confidence in your story if you are presenting it to the reader and your writing style is a bit... different. The fact the character is 22 and a virgin is a bit irrelevent: the story sounds a bit like someone describing a role play than an actual story which should be in the third person. You have told the story more than written it which is ok if it's clearly meant to be anecdotal or a diary entry or something similiar but this is a bit... gossipy :)
Your writing style is actually better than you seem to think and very accessible for teen readers but if you tell the reader exactly what's going to happen when they pick a certain choice it takes all the surprise and challenge out of multiple choice options, the story gets better as you go further into it and there's a feel you really get into the flow of writing.
I quite enjoyed this because it was different but it might benefit from being less informal, I guess your a teen writer so you know exactly how to write for teen readers :) I hope this isn't your only story: it was pretty entertaining and like anything else the more you write the better you'll get at writing :D

-- Will11 on 3/10/2016 4:48:44 AM with a score of 0

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13) Damn Zombies!

Not bad for your first attempt, a few pointers.
- I think it would have been cleaner for you to allow the player to pick if they were a boy or girl in the beginning, and then just have different pages. All the (he/she) parts kind of got in the way.
- You should make pages that are longer than a few sentences, otherwise people won't get into your story. Also I don't know why you choose to have a font larger than normal.
- It had its funny moments, but the story was kind of lacking. I also never even got the condoms back from the zombie, which makes me sad :(
- Had no real issues with grammar or spelling

So...yeah. Not bad for your first attempt. Also if this is a demo like you said, you should put a demo tag as one of the tags so people don't think this is the complete version of it.

-- Killa_Robot on 2/26/2012 6:59:09 PM

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14) Dead End

A fun zombie game. I felt a massive sense of deja vu with this very first chapter - I could swear I've read that before, picking up all those items. Maybe I tested it or something.

The writing was pretty clean and brutal, the descriptions good. The hero was a violent maniac, killing with no remorse, which was surprising for a normal joe who's never killed anyone, but I liked it. '"Thank you." You say and slit his throat.' That part made me cackle.

A gory fun fest worth its salt. Zombie heads exploding, one man's race to escape certain death and save his city. Good job, DV.

-- madglee on 11/15/2007 10:58:53 AM with a score of 110

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15) death alley

Potential is there.
I think the organization and systems need work.
The path I took (that lead to the ending with the password) had a half-decent story, although it was all skin and bones. Your vocabulary was decent but your spelling and grammar was a little on the weak side -- not terrible.
So for organization and systems. Never ever have a link that breaks the wall between real and story (IE: I want to kill the narrator). And there should never be pages that say "click the link." Those are all avoidable things. Also, it had so much potential with: "Kills better at short range" etc. That could have been awesome, but instead I never got to use weapons and all the battles were linear.
Oh yeah, and capitalize your title.

-- JJJ-thebanisher on 8/5/2008 3:44:19 AM with a score of 0

16) It was interesting, but it dropped you in with no explanation, like, "Yeah, it's a post-apocalyptic story, whatever." The swearing, to me, seemed unnecessary and out-of-place, as well as many pages. I know you were trying to be funny, but it seemed forced. It might help if you fix it so that the player can only take one weapon a day to add strategy. Also, I ended on a password, so I got the impression that you said, "Yeah, it's not finished, but I can't wait to publish it so I won't." Also, a spellcheck is in order. It might also be nice to manage and talk to all the survivors that you've gathered, command them to forage for food, join your monster hunt, etc., but maybe I'm getting a little too in-depth. Interesting system, but in its current state, even you have admitted that it's a joke. We'll have to wait for the sequel.

-- Melike on 8/5/2008 5:17:14 AM with a score of 0

17) Well I could see you were trying to use the advanced editor, but haven't quite gotten the hang of it. The hideout was supposed to be used to restore your health and restock on ammo, but it didn't do either and after you save your brother and the girl you like, it doesn't make any difference to the hideout, plus you're given the chance of switching weapons when you can just take all three. Stuff like that you need to figure out how to fix. Shouldn't be too hard.

-- Briar_Rose on 12/27/2012 9:12:48 AM with a score of 1000

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18) Die Untoten

Ich glaube, dass deine Story kein 1/8 verdient, nur weil sie auf Deutsch ist. Sie ist gut, aber es scheint, dass nicht so viele Leute auf CYS Deutsch sprechen.

I see that this story has a decent number of 1/8s, which I think is nonsense. It’s not a bad story. It isn’t too linear; it isn’t way too short (if it were a standalone story, that is; a lot of people really dislike the whole “chapter” thing). Regardless, even a three is, in my opinion, too low. It’s a promising piece of writing that isn’t able to get the attention it needs because of the language it’s written in.

-- BradinDvorak on 8/1/2015 7:24:35 AM

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19) Dispiteous

Whelp, that was... disturbing... I don't know what I can really say anymore about this than that I already did while proofreading the beginning (tagging doesn't work in storygame descriptions btw).

The writing was good, tough this genre of story isn't exactly my favorite, and though you only put two hours of work into this, it didn't really show. There were a decent amount of endings, though some of them (like the 'grown-up' ones felt a little rushed because of the sudden jump in time from 'little girl' to 'big girl'.

I've given it a 5/8, because it has a good level of writing, but is kinda short and your story feels kinda 'gore for gore's sake'.

-- Romulus on 9/2/2014 6:12:04 AM

20) Woah!

Yeah, I can see how this could be considered a lot more disturbing than Love SICK.

But no, I don't think you should remove/edit it. You've put enough warning for any passer-byers, and honestly, at this point, it's a choice whether or not to read it. I have to agree with Madbrad2000, this is actually a very unique piece on this site.

For a 90 minutes challenge, this is not bad at all. I loved the writing, all though I do feel as though it was a bit rushed towards the "Big Girl" addition, and also, the way the little girl immediately thinks of murdering the father as a way to console her problems. Still, nothing too bad that it makes the story sour.

I really think you should continue this a lot more, because this is not bad at all. If it was longer, however, that would prove more satisfying.

In the end, I would give it a 5/8.

-- Fazz on 9/2/2014 8:10:06 PM

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21) Escape from the Dead

It needs better storytelling, more unique characters, more options & to just generally be longer. One minute, I'm meeting my first companion (Officer Heigins, I think) & the next, I'm already at my destination having met at least three new people. I would like to know what happened in between & make more choices. I thought lt might be an interesting adventure to go from home to Fort Gyver, but you skipped everything. Then I'm on the road escaping Jack Manson in his stolen tank with two survivors, ramming through zombies on the streets &... all of a sudden, I'm with Doc. Not only was I excited to be my own leader, but I was also enticed by being on the run in a really cool vehicle & having the freedom now to run my own survival group. It didn't last long at all, I have no idea what happened in between & yet again, you miss a good opportunity to throw in more options. If you want a good zombie survival storygame, I recommend Choice Of Zombies on Choice Of Games. It has well-established characters, a linear plot, an actual sense of danger, clever options & lt lasts longer. I found myself wishing Brian Miller, Kayden & Michelle were in this game instead of these bland characters who seem to just be there & lf I did get to know them, they'd probably be occupational stereotypes. I certainly didn't feel like I was really there, which is an important aspect of any story or game. It seems like I hate lt, but lt's really decent at best. It shows some effort & there are some interesting ideas (like the stolen truck part) & lt does have potential lf you revamp lt.

-- Dictator Khan Fikevanis on 8/20/2015 12:29:33 AM

22) It was a well written story game but I never felt at any point like I was in any real danger or indeed that my choices made any particular difference between life or death. My fellow survivors were well written but I never really felt that strongly about any of them and possibly there were too many. This is a hard story to critique, the writing is very good and all the right elements are there but it didn't have anything extra to stand out or draw my attention, a few ominous threats or even some tension would make the story truly gripping.

-- Will11 on 11/10/2014 11:49:14 PM

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23) Ghost Town

" He pulled the string and instantly the whole block of houses nearest to him exploded. He ducked and ran for cover in the houses on the other side of the street. He unwittingly brought the note and as the string got pulled farther and farther more houses exploded until the house he was in blew up and he died."

What? From a bloody piece of paper? There is seemingly no rhyme or reason to this at all! The main problem with this story is the fact it seems like there's no logic to these deaths, which one would think to expect from a low-grade story... but you were building some suspense and the writing was good... and there was a lot of ways you could have fleshed this out.

-- FazzTheMan on 6/22/2015 11:44:36 PM

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24) Hey, Look, It's a Zombie Apocalypse

3/8 Had a hard time since this story was written so poorly. Good layout and choices but it really needs an update fixing grammar. I would also have liked to have seen more description which would have pulled me into the story. And finally a lot of things didn't make sense... Like I dismissed the news report about zombies as a joke but I still went and bought food water and a gun? I went through the trouble of barricading myself inside and used furniture to block the upstairs yet it said I was too lazy to do anything other then lock the doors. Also why was the scout in back of the group? Just a lot of things like this that make you not as much of the story as you could be.

-- JinDary on 4/15/2016 10:08:26 AM

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25) Holloween Adventure 2

What is cake doing in the dairy area? Have you -been- to a grocery store? >_> Yet somehow you managed to put donuts in the right spot. Also, judging by your repetition in narration and commentary on items, you're either young or... somewhat immature, and I found it more than a little ridiculous that I just defeated a supernatural figure with a "glowing ball." For someone as young as you -sound-, I think you did well enough, but the item system is ridiculous. 80% of the stuff I found was utterly worthless.

-- Kiel_Farren on 9/12/2012 8:53:35 AM with a score of 10100

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26) Host

Although this game was rather short, it was enjoyable. I felt that the plot was a bit cliche (rather similar to a zombie survival story), but you did a good job making your story unique. The descriptions of the scenes were well-written, and you included the right amount of details - enough so that I could see what was going on without growing bored or overwhelmed. I also liked the choices you gave us. You provided enough so that I felt like I was a part of the story and had the ability to control its flow. The fact that you had good grammar and spelling was a bonus - it becomes frustrating when I see a good story, but it's barely readable due to many mistakes. I encourage you to continue writing. 6/8

-- SummerSparrow on 4/11/2016 2:59:09 PM with a score of 0

27) Not bad, I like your style of writing and the tension is there. Unfortunately this is still a zombie apocalypse game with a twist and those are a dime a dozen so if you're going to go down this well-worn road you need to do something to really stand out otherwise the whole story feels fairly predictable. This was a good start but if you write a sequel I think you should get much more ambitious :)

-- Will11 on 6/9/2015 8:14:52 PM with a score of 0

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28)  Insane Asylum Part 2

After having played both games I have to say I liked the idea and story in general, but also it could be improved in many ways, such as making it a bit longer next time or even having made both into one game so that it wouldn't be 2 short games, improving some grammar, branching a little more and having added a chance to save Matt and give us some more time to grow attached to the characters and not just killing them off like it happened to Matt, good game anyways I hope to see part 3!

-- Michelle on 11/29/2011 6:13:27 PM

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29) It Was a Dark and Creepy Night

Well, it had good details, nice and gruesome, but each link was practically just a 50/50 chance of dying. Next time, don't call me dumb, a fool, or an idiot for clicking on a link. I can't read your mind - half the time, the truly smart and logical choice still killed me. Before you go and just make every link leading to your death, try to take the time to just make a more complete story with more pages after each link before you die. 
I died twice on the first page. How fun is that?

-- X8-Bliss on 6/2/2008 3:51:30 PM

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30) Kill that Spider!

I'm sure other people have commented this before, but this is the level of drama I feel every time I have to kill a spider. 
I think it would've been a little better if it didn't seem so totally based on luck, and keep veering from the ridiculous to the realistic, but maybe that's just me. Was it necessary for the reader to die? Being alive knowing that there's an escaped spider in your home is a dark enough ending...at least for me. 
Loved the humor, particularly with the appliance at the end. I was embarrassed by how much I enjoyed "watching" that.

-- MsGwinn on 11/12/2016 6:01:05 PM with a score of 0

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31) Last Scream Before You Die

Feel deathly? The sentence spacing is a bit… weird too. The pictures are well used though and a bit of thought went into this story game which is good but if the written descriptions were serious instead of breaking the fourth wall all the time I would have felt more tension, you’re constantly reminding us it’s just a game instead of an actual experience. Still, I thought it was ok :)

-- Will11 on 1/2/2015 3:08:28 AM with a score of 0

 

Recommended Comments for Deletion

32) Apocalypse Then

Hip-Hop?

-- RobustSporadic on 6/21/2012 2:52:09 AM with a score of 2

Unless I'm missing something, this seems rather off-topic

33) Nice story.

-- Silverflame on 2/21/2015 2:20:56 PM with a score of 51

Double-post

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34) Die Zombie! Die!

From one zombie abssesd person to another. That was awesome dude. And I died :D
 

-- Nellie Todd on 5/6/2012 10:26:31 AM with a score of 0

Double-post

35) Nice

-- joedragon on 2/27/2015 7:30:05 PM with a score of 0

Same thing. Double-post.

 

I'm going to end this here and start another :)

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

You're just giving him more work to do :l

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I guess I should just go ahead and post them in parts. Or wait until I have more time so I don't have to leave every now and then.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

You don't even need the points :c

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Me and Ford are having a *cough* "friendly" competition 

So, I kind of do unless I want to be shamed XD

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I didn't know that you two were actually serious about it.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Well, it's semi-serious I guess.

The prize pool contains eternal servitude, the loser's soul, etc. You know, nothing serious. xD

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

What's the quota that needs to be reached to win?

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

First one to 3k for the first one, first to 10k for the second(which will probably be achieved around my 40th birthday xD)

I'm only trying for the 3k one. :)

The 10k one will be achieved mostly from daily points, reading stories, and publications XD

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Try to get a story featured then. That would make things faster for the first one.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I don't think I would be able to do that, given how the current featured storygames are much better than my best attempt :)

The ballad contest will probably be my best chance.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

There's no link to Anti-Life!

Nevermind, looks like you edited.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Yeah, I was interrupted when I was doing that one >~<

It's fixed now, I think.

Draw My Attention (Attempt #3)

4 years ago

1) My Apocalypse:

Not bad for a first shot at story games. You used items well and you had a decent plot. Thankfully, I could use the items in more than one place as well, which is good. On the other hand, the narrating was a little weird(I was confused on who was talking half the time.), and you really didn't describe things as well as you could have. 

I would suggest adding pictures, more descriptions(Of people, places, things, etc.), and just a little bit more clearer narrating. 

4/8

-- JMgskills on 9/22/2012 2:44:42 PM with a score of 0

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2) One single outcome?

I do like the concept but perhaps not the setting. The idea of having a story where you can go back in time and change events is a very interesting one and I say go for it, but the premise of "You are a random person and somebody is trying to kill you for no apparent reason" I found pretty boring. There's not even a sense of mystery or trying to figure out why the person is trying to kill you. So yeah, give the character a personality and a history first and then play around with the idea of going back in time to change your fate.

-- Briar_Rose on 1/18/2016 6:21:16 PM

3) Don't be discouraged by the low ratings. Most people won't give a demo anything over 3/4, no matter how good it is. 

I'm an absolute mark for ontological mystery, so for me, the idea of repeating time to figure out why someone wants you dead is pretty compelling. (ever play the zero escape games?) Agree with Briar though on the fact that this particular story fragment doesn't really have a plot or characterization of any kind. If this is just the first 3 paragraphs of a complex story labyrinth, it's great. By itself, it's a bit lacking. 

As for the constructive criticism: it reads like a first draft. You've got a nice vocabulary, and a sense of style, but the overall work needs polish.

-- Sethaniel on 1/20/2016 12:19:21 PM

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4) Orion

Nice. It had an amazing amount of options, good plot, and was really good overall. What I think could have made this game better though was if there had been items. Like a shotgun or lantern or something you see in zombie survival games. Also, the cursing just kind of ruined it for me. You don't need that in a game to make it good or to sound cool because it just makes the game kind of cheap. 

6/8

-- JMgskills on 5/19/2012 9:56:11 AM with a score of 0

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5) Outbreak

It was okay, I guess. Like a lot of stories it is plagued with linearity, and also like a lot of stories, the author gives the illusion of choice when in reality a lot of the choices were either continue the story or die, and/or they had no affect on the story's direction. This defeats the purpose of interactive fiction, which is supposed to encourage mutliple, sprawling branches of storytelling. The characters are shallow and flat, and cliche (the average-joe protaganist, the idiot ladies-man, the nerd who they occasionally sacrifice, really this was the best you could come up with?). I did not care for them much, at all. I also wish I got to see life before the outbreak. 

That said, the story was kind of humorous and I liked that, though at times the humor seemed kinda forced, like the usage of 'nigga' which CAN be funny in certain contexts, this was not one of them however. This story was also fairly well-written, though I did notice some typos here and there. 

So if you want my advice, I suggest you unpublish this story. Instead of writing a chapter 2, you make this story have multiple, diverse endings, and more depth, especially to the plot and characters. 3/8

-- FazzTheMan on 12/29/2015 2:17:34 AM

6) I enjoyed it. It's pretty good compared to some of the terrible stuff being put out. It was enjoyable, and a very good start to what could be a long writing career. 
I think you shouldn't have published it, though. Not because it's not good, but because quite frankly it's unfinished. A lot of people create Chapter 1's of stories that they never finish, leaving the reader unsatisfied. I know there's always a rush to put out what you've created, God knows I've rushed through the ends of games, but I think you just need to hold tough and keep working. Now, if a game is reached the length of 7/8 or 8/8, then I understand a need to break it up, but if it's shorter, it can stick together. 
Anyway, good work, I enjoyed it and think it's a great first work from what could be a great author. 5/8

-- Steve24833 on 12/29/2015 2:00:02 PM

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7) Hospital Defense

Disregarding all the misspelling errors : 

1. Not so bad as a bare-bones sort of platform to work on. If you want to, you can take this story down and proofread and extend it before putting it up again. 

2. Needs to have a sort of well-explained reason why your choices will fail. Perhaps make deaths a little less sudden than "Zombie horde looks at you. You are DEAD" sort of scenario, and rather give them two or three choices leading into death. 

3. Extended descriptions, such as name, age, background, character interactions (conflict between a couple of the survivors?), of all the characters. Get to learn how to love your characters. 

4. More practicality for character flaws. Perhaps the pyromaniac sets something on fire in the middle of the night? Perhaps the claustrophobic woman has to go into a cubicle office? I did see that you did express their flaws, but I'd still like a more practical way to take advantage of those. 

I would give you a 5 / 8 (really high in comparison to most stories like this), but with your grammatical errors and spelling errors, I did bump it down to a 3 / 8. However, if you look at my other comments on other CYS stories on this site, you'll notice that I'm a lot less harsher. 

Because you've got a good story in the makings.

-- Swiftstryker on 1/25/2014 10:51:43 AM

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I am so confused on which ones I should suggest T_T Oh well.

8) Reanimation 2

6. [Minor] At one point, I bust out some explosives that I never had. How? 

7. [Medium] A pretty serious plot hole is the fact that a team of so few members are sent in to handle such a huge catastrophe. You need to explain why that is, in the story. 

8. [Minor] The password thing was really lame. I'm supposed to believe that A) The scientists in charge of such a crazy scheme put such an easy password on it and B) I guessed behemoth out of how many synonyms? 

9. [Medium] Avoid places where the user has to randomly guess options (sneak to stairs, run to stairs, sneak to elevator, run to elevator and then floors 2,3,4,5 or whatever) because we have no way to know what will work and it's boring. 

10. [Minor] Why was my radio dependent on a generator? 

11. [Minor] When Subject Zero got shot down the first time, I had the option to run away but why could I just pepper him with bullets until I

-- JJJ-thebanisher on 3/22/2011 3:20:53 PM with a score of 0

9) 2. [Very Major] Your tenses were really fucked up. Throughout the story we were address in the second tense sometimes, but more often than not, it was an address as "we" or "I". This was SUPER confusing and destroys immersion. Also, you flipped back and forth between omniscient and limited perspectives. 

3. [Very Minor] Get item images so we aren't shooting people with paper bags! 

4. [Major] Your story featured many fragmented sentences, mis-spelled words, and various other grammatical errors. You need to use a spell-checker and definitely invest some time in serious editing run-throughs. 

5. [Minor] It's very unrealistic to have a mercenary kill another merc who's arguing with the plan before even entering the compound. I could have been fired, sure, but killed is dumb.

-- JJJ-thebanisher on 3/22/2011 3:17:05 PM with a score of 0

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10) Reanimation

Better than your average zombie story, this could definitely have benefited from three things. Primarily, a plot and some characterization would be nice. Secondarily, this should be done with the advanced editor since it's more story than game it could have been bolstered by the usage of the AE features. Finally, I noticed a dead page (trying to shoot the abomination) and your prose, while simplistic and good, lacks any kind of flair or flow. 

Solid to great first story but nothing spectacular all around.

-- JJJ-thebanisher on 3/20/2011 9:48:19 PM

11) Not bad. 

You had good spelling and plenty of options. Plus, the story was original and engaging. Nothing like trying to hunt down and kill a monster right? 

But, I had a problem with the options and the final confrontation. Most of the "choices" I had led to death, with very little hints to show me where and what to do. Also, I was hoping for a better fight with the monster. I was expecting it to be an epic showdown but it kind of fell short. 

Overall, it's not the best I've played but certainly not the worst. 

5/8

-- JMgskills on 5/12/2012 9:36:47 AM

12) While people criticize this game for its lack of significant choices, I feel it provides a lot of important backstory for the Homo Perfectus series. One thing that does bother me is the lack of description on dead end pages. Continuing pages are somewhat longer and more verbose, while dead end pages are short, choppy and usually fail to explain much more than "you died." Still, I think this is a great game. 6/8

-- jamescoker1226 on 8/8/2014 9:52:38 AM

---------------------------------------------

Note: Is it truly plagarized? If so, I would recommend it for deletion. I have never read "Zombie Exodus" before.

Rise of the Damned

I think this was already said earlier, but this game is pretty much a facsimile of a game called "Zombie Exodus" on choiceofgames.com with a few names changed. But what distinguished this plagiarized game from the REAL one is that this one was obviously copy-and-pasted and poorly re-written to make it sound different. It's already earned a poor rating in by book, but I can tell you that the mediocre writing style doesn't give you extra points.

-- Allusional on 1/10/2014 11:33:46 PM

what the heck... my mind is confused.... this is similar to a game zombie Exodus... the part where he went to his sister's house and meet her friend was the same... meeting daniel who was immune was just like finding the guy in the tunnel who was also immune..

-- nate90911 on 8/11/2015 11:43:53 AM

It's a good game, but when going to the docks, I noticed something. There is a game on COG which I feel you took from, and that it's nearly the same thing. Getting your sister (who was called Emma in both games), who was with her friend (Jen in yours, Heather in the other game), and meeting Daniel (a sort of hippie, who behaves the same in the other game) in the same place, and it's nearly the same idea goal. Thus, I couldn't rate this much higher then a 4/8, since the best ending is full of plagiarized work.

-- Aman on 2/1/2013 8:49:13 AM

If it's not really plagarized, I would recommend the following comments for featuring..or hey :P You could do both.

13) The grammar was a bit shaky, but nothing too terrible. There were also a few continuity errors, such as magically having a ride and an M16 that I never picked up, and there was a link in the text of one page that broke the game when I clicked it. However, the game has a very goodly amount of content, and the writing is generally decent enough, so I give you a 5. It's very respectable for a first game.

-- Loon on 1/23/2013 4:04:00 PM

----------------------------------------------------

14) Samantha

Well this is something different. 

The actual rhythm and rhyme was a little uneven in places and yes, it took a few read throughs, but I really like the basic idea here. 

(By the way, you use Tape's a couple of times in the intro, and the apostrophes aren't needed. It's tapes plural, not possessive. Just a nitpick, but typos on the first page always stand out more.)

-- mizal on 11/25/2016 10:45:51 PM

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15) Ship Wrecked on Misty Island

Fairly well written, with few mistakes in spelling or grammar. Nice suspenseful atmosphere. Was the intent to make the island more mysterious by having you start over rather than dying? I think for someone that may not have the time to keep restarting to get the good ending it would be good to add some end game and leave comment links

-- BigRonn77 on 9/20/2016 2:48:24 PM with a score of 2485

16) Very good! I loved this story and loved the challenge of it (I got stuck once). It left me wanting more which can be good or bad. Good because the writing and story were exhilarating enough that the story could've gone longer and wouldn't lose momentum. Bad because there are unclear details that I'm curious about. Keep writing though, I love it.

-- bburger on 7/10/2015 6:10:06 PM with a score of 2485

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17) The Bloodweepers

It's a good start and the spelling and grammer is better than most of the stuff on this site. 

It could make a good story as you know how to write, however "Zombie" has been done to death so it might be better to cut your losses and pick a slightly different theme. 

I like it that there are several endings and see potential for a full story if you take the feedback in these comments onboard.

-- Jordi P on 10/23/2014 12:47:43 PM

18) This seems like a promising story, and it is my belief that you should continue it. Since there are a few different endings it might be a little harder to continue from all of them, and if you decide to only keep one ending go with the "Clem" (walking dead) ending since that one seems to have a greater potential, and if done right might even get you featured. You have the idea now just master the story.

-- Lex354 on 4/21/2014 10:51:06 AM

19) I get that this is a prototype, but the story was exceedingly...dry. The block of text in each page got to be too fast-paced (try making some text breaks) and each event was a bit disjointed from the last one. You've got an interesting story idea, but the story itself has yet to live up to the idea.

-- Allusional on 4/26/2014 12:21:31 PM

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20) The Carivellia Carnival

It was an interesting story, but I noticed a few errors, here are two from one page (because I can't remember most of them :)) "even with a great amount of practice and patients. 
He let's " In that quote, "patients" is spelled patience, and "let's" should just be lets, otherwise it says "let us". I know that those are actual words, so the upcoming solution won't actually work for those, but a little tip is to write your pages on word, then copy and paste to the editor, that way it will both let you know your errors and if the system fails while downloading it to the editor you won't lose your progress.

-- ThisisBo on 7/8/2011 8:42:00 PM

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21) The Drugs Wouldn't Stop The Nightmares

The writing and premise are good. The nightmares are creative enough to motivate me to play multiple times to read about all of them. I just want to see more than the short stories I read. I hope Chapter Two has more creative nightmares and gives some satisfying backstory on the protagonist.

-- Melike on 8/23/2010 7:58:32 PM

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22) The Midnight Hours

So at first I thought it was an ok story. But it immediately rushed to the plot. It progressed way too quickly. At first everything's normal, then all of a sudden there's werewolves, vampires, and gunfights. Just take more time to get into the story rather than rushing into it. And it was pretty cheesy aswell and at some points unrealistic.

-- SonicTurboTurtle on 7/2/2015 3:24:20 PM

23) I really liked this story. 
The idea was original and intelligent and the economic writing style of using short, punchy sentences was particularly impressive. It is a shame that this idea could was not taken further but you did great with the storyline you have and got maximum impact out of events, though a few scenes like the gunfight could perhaps have used a little more detail. Overall a great story :)

-- Will11 on 3/29/2015 2:23:49 AM

24) It wasn't a bad story. 

Ignoring anything related to grammar mistakes (because honestly, I didn't see too many, though there were some slight inconsistencies like when the witches attack you), I thought the plot was fairly unique, but that the story was not fleshed out enough. I really wish that the story could have been longer in certain portions. 

Also, I wish that for death endings like the one for the leviathan you would have been more descriptive. Granted, what you wrote wasn't something like "OMG UR DED LOLZ," but it wold have nice. 

Overall, it served as a distraction from any homework over spring break, but there wasn't enough engagement to really make me entirely interested (even if I did slay a demon in the end). 

A passable 4/8.

-- LeoScales7 on 3/28/2015 8:09:01 PM

Note: 

I AM....IMMORTAL!!!!! DI IMMORTALES!!!! 


Btw, this was a great game overall. Those fricking bastards were nothing compared to the power of holy water!!! You can drink it! You can vomit it! You can do anything with holy water :OOOOOO ^-^ But anyways, there could be a bit more detail as well as more dialogue. Thanks ^_^!!!

-- WarriorCatsRPStories on 3/28/2015 8:06:58 PM

^ What the heck is that?

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25) The Murdering Midget

Great game. Some of the scenarios seemed short, but that's not a problem. This game really accomplishes putting you in a consistent world, I can't tell you how many CYOA's I've played seem to be random scenarios. The only inconsistency I saw was that there was no gun in the set of scenarios where you meet Alice.

-- Melike on 4/4/2008 7:50:26 PM

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26) The Mysterious House

Agreed with Tanstaafl, it wasn't terrible or anything. I think the author is pretty young, but they seem to have a basic grasp of grammar and punctuation at least...maybe this is a little sad, but yes, I now consider it a red-letter day on CYS when a writer knows how sentences work. 

It definitely needs more detail though, right now it falls pretty hard into the trap of telling, not showing. 'Hannah realizes this' 'Hannah decides that' and etc. 

Also for the sake of realism I have to ask, what kind of person walks by a strange house, sees the window is open and immediately decides to climb inside? 

A person about to get a well-deserved shotgun blast to the face, that's who. Dumb bitch is lucky she only had to deal with a ghost since ghosts can't pull triggers.

-- mizal on 7/11/2014 11:02:43 AM

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27) The Only Lights in the Darkness Are Flames

I agree with Aman, your goft is pretty prominent Steve :) Haha you (and Chase) are truly fantastic writers, this horror is gripping and the story reminded me of a creep's cellar where you're a bit horrified by it but you want to keep going in further to see what else you might find. :) Having a good amount of writing skill in genres as varied as Sci-Fi, Fantasy and Horror is a sign of a truly excellent all-round writer and I definitely think you should write more Horror stories :)

-- Will11 on 3/16/2016 6:40:26 AM with a score of 0

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28) The Poison Toilet

I like that you tried to give the game different endings, and the concept of changing to a new protagonist is one not many storygames use. 
Overall though, the game suffers from an "and then" plot line. This happened, and then this other thing happens, and then another thing happens, and there's no rhyme or reason to any of it. 
Another area for improvement is the introduction of new characters. Instead of just giving me the options to "go home" or "call CJ," tell me who CJ is, and why I would be calling him. 
Tied together with the plot problem we get things like "And then you went to Diego's house." Who is Diego? Why am I going to his house? 
This is one of those stories that seems to me like the author knows what he's talking about, and just needs to explain it in the story so the readers know too.

-- Sethaniel on 12/4/2014 9:02:58 AM

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Recommended Comments for Deletion:

30) The Drugs Wouldn't Stop The Nightmares

Well its an interesting start but needs to be much longer as it reads like a demo

-- FeanorOnForge on 4/5/2013 4:45:29 PM

Draw My Attention (Attempt #3)

4 years ago

Christ, am I glad JMgskills is gone, he didn't even post on the forums much and he was fucking annoying. Every time I see his comments he sounds like a pretentious shithead.

EDIT 1: Yeah, that zombie one is plagiarism. It's originally a CoG story.

Penalized 5000 points, deleted all stories except for the one he co-authored with Nuke (For some reason the server is fucking up and not allowing proper deletion) and banned.

EDIT 2: You got 25 points.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygame comments for featuring:

Escape From Saigon 

1) It's an excellent topic, and I think you could go far on it. Here's some of my suggestions. 

Really play the emotions. I agree that you could describe more about Long in the introduction and the poor life he's been through. Really show us what it was like, and how terrible it was. Show us more about his family and develop their characters, make them realistic. I want to agonize over the decision to be with my mother or stepbrother; I want to grow attatched to the mother and feel sad when she dies; I want to be sad when Long leaves his grandmother and yet hopeful for a new life for Long. I really want to be there with Long and feel what he feels. 

Eliminate the right/left choices. They are just plain annoying and purely up to chance. Chances left purely up to luck are no fun. 

Overall, I felt like you did a good job not being too linear. This is a great topic, like I said, but I would love to know more background!

-- AllThatIsGold on 1/9/2016 7:16:50 PM

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Happiness Test!  

2) Wow, that was actually pretty accurate for me, so that boosted your rating from me. You're pretty good at knowing how people are from what they chose, which is actually pretty impressive. Please make more quizzes, because that was fun. 

Suggestions: 
A few more questions- You should probably get a few more questions in there to get an even better idea on how happy someone is and to keep it interesting. 

Check over your storygame next time- Next time, check over it before you publish because there were a couple of spelling mistakes that could have easily been fixed. Otherwise, this was great.

-- Naomi14 on 10/13/2016 9:34:25 PM with a score of 80

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25 to Life 

3) Wow, I really like your writing. The words flow nicely and every word keeps me invested. You make great characters as well. 

There are a few flaws though. For one, this story was peppered with grammar mistakes and spelling errors/ typos. A simple proof read would've fixed that. The second is the dialogue. Although this didn't detract from the story, it made it slightly less believable. Characters who are either prisoners or is a brutal warden, talk in very sophisticated manners and I just didn't buy it. Terence saying "Hello, I am Terrence." While he was very distant and mysterious at first. It just didn't click. Also, this is technically a demo, and you know how CYS feels about demos. 

Other than those pet peeves, this was written very well with good choices and characters and that kept me invested all the way through. Will play again. 5/8.

-- SonicTurboTurtle on 3/25/2016 2:38:26 PM with a score of 0

******************************************

Epoch Coda 

4) The story is short. However, that is probably because of the fact that it was based off a movie. Otherwise, there were only a few grammar mistakes, and the plot/story execution was pretty well done. 

My only concern on the latter was the lack of "fleshing out" for the supporting characters, since it just felt like I was being dictated a back-story instead of experiencing it. Once again, the length plays a factor in this assessment. 

With all things considered, I give a 5/8: Not bad.

-- LeoScales7 on 9/16/2014 6:31:57 PM

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Recommending comment for deletion:

Rose 

5) Blahhhhh

-- KillerQueen15 on 7/25/2014 7:00:19 PM

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Recommending storygame tagging:

How not to be eaten by a dragon 

6) Fantasy tag 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending Comments for Featuring:

 

1) The Wolves

Please keep in mind, the following items are my opinion: 

I don’t really like stories that can end with one link. I wouldn’t mind as much if it were obvious that making that choice would end the story, but when I’m faced with two choices and no clue as to which is the “best” choice and one of them leads to instant death, I’m inclined to not read more, rate it a one, and then move on. However, I did not do that here. 

I do like white space in a story, it makes it much easier to read. That said, there can be too much white space – a paragraph really should be at least 3 sentences long in most cases (with obvious exceptions for dialogue, themes, and moods). 

There is one page (I can’t tell you which one because there are no titles on your pages?) where the font style changes halfway through the page. To me, that’s annoying unless there is a good reason for it. 

Overall the story does seem to have potential – but all aspects of it could be developed more. The main and other characters could have more development including their descriptions, thoughts, and motivations. Each option could have a few more details around it to help people understand what’s going to happen if they choose that option or at least give hints as to where they will lead. And as others have said, the story is quite short. Each page here could be more developed and more could really be added to make it a more complete story. 

-- Ogre11 on 9/20/2015 11:23:30 AM

2) This game was super neat- loved the idea and the writing was thoughtful and not short and boring! :) thanks for making a great game. One thing I will say is although it requires a lot more time and effort, I'd really like to see even lengthier descriptions of certain scenes/characters in places where the moment allows itself to have further description. This would just allow the players to immerse themselves deeper into your story. Thanks again! 
~E

-- AandEcoproductions on 12/27/2015 3:07:01 PM

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3) They Murk in the Darkness

Really big grammar, spelling, and punctual errors were frequent throughout the story making it very irritating to read through. The big one was the lack of spaces after a period. Editing and/or proof reading would boost my rating up. But will probably not happen since this was made such a long time ago. 3/8.

-- SonicTurboTurtle on 3/27/2016 4:53:20 AM

Note: Not sure about this:

4) Okay, I read the first page and then just skipped till I found an ending 'cos I wanted to ask you to take the game down. The trouble is that from what I read on your first page, you're a pretty decent writer as far as story games go, but the trouble is, people will knock points off the story for spelling, grammar and punctuation errors. There were quite a lot of grammar errors on the first page and for some reason you never put a space between words when you use a comma. What I think you should do is unpublish the game now, correct the errors and then publish it again and it'll get much higher ratings. I'll proof read the story for you if you like to let you know the mistakes.

-- Briar_Rose on 11/13/2012 3:19:30 PM

But I'll recommend it anyways.

-------------------------------------------

5) Try Not To Die!

Seriously, how do you expect anyone to enjoy that? The outcomes had nothing to do with the choices, no clues were given, the only way to proceed is arbitarily clicking random links. 

Also, computers do not contain explosives. Also, they don't talk, as you have clearly set the story in the modern world. 

If you are going to make a fantasy world, elaborate on it, don't just take the real world and make crazy, unexplained shit happen. 

Finally, your writing really sounds like a little kid when the "winning" path is to run home to mummy. Please. Don't do this to our minds.

-- Rommel on 1/19/2009 7:59:34 PM

-----------------------------------

6) Twilight of Apocalypse

First off the writing is very awkward. For example "She looks around and spots a shovel". It just seemed like out of no where that a shovel appears and somehow on the road with cars. Secondly there was little to no use of the items. I picked up two guns, a wallet, and a shovel and didn't use a a single one. The only use you have for the wallet is to throw it at the dog and then it kills you. 
And speaking of dying. Apparently EvAngel (the writer) wanted to remind me of how stupid I was for dying in this game. The writer kept insulting me throughout the game for not choosing the choices that he wanted me too. Overall needs a lot of work and stop making the reader feel like shit.

-- SonicTurboTurtle on 7/3/2015 4:51:37 PM with a score of 0

--------------------------------

7) Undefined sample

Needs radical improvement on spelling and punctuation, and you need to learn what a comma is (I didn't see a single one in there. You also need to improve on your choices, I only had one choice in the whole story! Also, the didn't have a proper ending, I understand this isn't the full version but you still need an ending to the story! 

Overall your writing style is pretty good and with some effort and work on spelling and punctuation you could create a nice story out of this.

-- squatter on 9/7/2014 6:26:08 AM

8)I actually found myself surprised by the quality of the writing in this short work. I think it is a very solid start, though obviously far too small for now. I suggest that you proofread it, there were some minor errors. I also suggest that in the future you do your best to use proper spelling and grammar in your description; people will be more inclined to read your story this way. I do hope you continue as the snippet you have here was decently written as well as interesting.

-- EndoftheNight on 9/3/2013 11:27:55 PM

9) Rated it a 1, mainly because it's a demo but also because your story is lacking detail (I've got little to no clue of the setting), any description of what the introduced characters are like, and punctuation/grammar. The first page of this storygame was actually written alright, but it went downhill after that.

-- October on 8/14/2012 8:50:21 AM

-------------------------------------

10) Where the HELL am I?? Chapter Two

Better than the last storygame, and there were some interesting sections. Still, seems too easy and linear. Although I haven't tried all the possible choices, from what I've seen so far, just obediently following the demons' commands gets you to the true ending.

-- 31TeV on 9/24/2014 9:35:42 AM

--------------------------------------

Note: Why is this featured? o-o

Zombie Crisis

Good writing and grammar, though it is a bit too cliffhangy and short. Make #2

-- WizzyCat on 3/27/2015 7:21:40 PM

11) Lacks real plot and has all the cliches of the typical zombie game. The grammar is acceptable, and the story shows that you've got promise as a writer. But for now, formulating new and original ideas is where things can be improved.

-- Allusional on 3/8/2014 8:49:45 PM

---------------------------------

 

Recommended Comments for Deleting: 

12) Try Not To Die!

Feels kinda random and is lacking in description. I find it hard to be really immersed in a story when it's got little detail, especially horror.

-- 31TeV on 10/10/2014 1:24:14 PM

Double-Post

 

I have finished the entire "Horror" category now. Hooray. I'll probably be back tomorrow for another one lol

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Gee, I don't think that I'd ever recommend some of the comments that you recommend for featuring sometimes, Seto xD

And I think that you recommended that Wizzy one, I dunno.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

All of them except the Briar one since her current featured one addresses the updates.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Feature Comment:

Enigma

This was a tricky story to rate for an odd reason. If you pick the right choices early on you can get right into an interesting story (Despite spelling, grammar and punctuation errors). However, if you make the wrong choices, you quickly get mired in short and badly linking pages that are devoid of interest. Also while some paths are complete bits of story, others are clearly incomplete (ie. mages) and several seem like short, undeveloped linking passages designed to ferry you from one path to another without adding anything. 

Overall the impression I get is that this story was intended and planned to be longer and more expanded but ran out of time or interest so many things were truncated and paths Jerry-rigged together in order to make it playable. 

Overall a very interesting initial concept but not delivered upon, maybe take it down to finish and expand upon it then re-publish?

-- FeanorOnForge on 10/21/2016 1:58:12 PM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Well I guess it was only a matter of time before there was a Vore story on here. I already unpublished it once earlier.

Anyway, deleted now.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Public service announcement: If you don't know what vore is, for the love of God don't google it.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Or do so with safe search on.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
You're all degenerates for knowing in the first place.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

It's really rather hard to avoid knowing what it is when you moderate a few RP sites.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I pretty much did the "Fucked up internet overload" by discovering the Encyclopedia Dramatica one day and going through all of it over time.

It's one way of getting yourself caught up on things really quickly, but it probably isn't for everyone.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending storygame for tagging:

Paul's Health Project...

1) Serious

2) Socially Important

**********************************

Comment for deletion in the above game:

3) Pretty good. The writing was more than decent, with multiple paths that gave me the impression that quite a bit of effort has been put into this. Also, I liked the information that you gave. 5/8

-- Xt1000305 on 4/3/2013 9:56:47 PM

Reasoning: Duplicate comment 

****************************************

After The "Happy" Part 

4) :|

-- Bolt78625 on 7/10/2015 9:09:05 AM

**************************************

Recommending storygame comments for featuring:

Failing

5) Haha great fun :D A good level of imagination, a bit of healthy insanity and fast-paced writing makes this a great read, the evolution of the character did seem a little unrealistic but it's not a realistic story and a bit like a mini-action movie can be enjoyed just for the thrills for 15 mins, good work :D

-- Will11 on 7/20/2015 6:29:38 PM

***************************************

6) Wish it didn't end on a cliffhanger. 
I found your game to be pretty great, although some of the expressions you used felt rather odd to me. 

The fact that James is a murderer and the initial madness he experiences seems to fade after a while. Maybe that is an intentional move on your part to show that he has more pressing things to worry about? It makes the start and the end of the story seem rather disconnected, but that might be just me. 
I did have and good time playing the game.

-- Zelnite88 on 7/18/2015 9:34:44 AM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Crescent's comment for featuring:

Extra Life 

1) If the story went on longer, and the maze was better, I would have definitely rated it a 6/8 instead of a 5/8. Your writing skills are excellent, the story is really good, and I love how trust is a huge factor in the story. 

What I don't like is that if you trust someone, you usually die if the trust was misplaced. That just kind of ruins the mood. :c 

Other than that, the story is really good, nice plot, a drive for the protagonist, good writing skills, good grammar. Your descriptions near the end need some working on. 

Improve maze + expand story (It was too short a segment to be "Part of a Series".) = MUST READ MORE (Actually, I feel the same way now... but seriously. This storygame has potential!)

-- Crescentstar on 12/6/2016 7:40:48 PM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Read my profile page. I won't have comments in a while. I need to finish some stuff, and staying up late rating storygames and commenting about the same thing each time is tiring...

You and Seto may stop stalking me now XD

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

We only want what's best for you :P

Somebody has to fund the war chest.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

This thread encourages people to be scavengers. There might still be a juicy point to be scraped from someone else's kill if you crack open the bones...

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

True... I may have a comment or two out their somewhere idk. Unless Thara was super thorough. Professional stalkers scavengers.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

You naughty girl: 

Rat Story 

This story has a decent plot, but it's told in the "tell" way instead of the "show" way, which isn't good if you plan to keep me reading. Some of the paths were quite short, so that was a bit disappointing. Also, the paragraph spacing needs to be smaller. Hit enter only once please, unless you're changing time, but in that case, making a new page would keep it less confusing. 

Overall it was a good story, badly told. The names are warriorcat-like, and on CYS warriorcats is looked down upon, due to the past wars and the simplicity and child-like feel of the names. 

The paragraphs also weren't well divided, at least, regarding the way you told it. 

Still, it's a hooking plot, and I like the original idea of ratmen from large rats plus mutated plant.

-- Crescentstar on 12/3/2016 4:53:15 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I did tell you. *whistles away* You really need to get them all at once, Thara. It makes you sound less greedy. :) Besides, it'll help End out a bit if it's all in one nice care package. c:

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I usually tend to put them altogether in their own little showcase. But tonight was special :)

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

 More stalking! And a little side-bonus from the stalking :3

Recommended Comments for Featuring:

1) Fireborn

It's like almost every other dragon storygame on this site. -_- Add some unique elements. 

There are still some noticeable grammar issues, but not too bad. 

Descriptions, please. Literally, I think it took two pages for the parents to die. Explain more of what exactly happen, describe feelings at key moments, sounds made, etc, etc. 

Just the simplicity of the story and typical-ness of the plot make this story boring. Every dragon story that begins with an egg or hatchling involve them breaking the egg/moving away from nest. Make it unique! 

I think that this storygame could be pretty good, despite when you say you have bad English. I suppose some effort was put into the storygame, so I applaud you.

-- Crescentstar on 12/6/2016 8:24:52 PM with a score of 0

------------------------------

2) Empty Space

Your grammar wasn't bad, but the pages were short and the game in itself was rather confusing. It had the potential to turn into a great mystery story if you had extended the pages. 

Anyway, due the potential it had and the somewhat decent grammar, I'll rate this 3/8.

-- Claw2k11 on 11/24/2016 3:04:53 AM

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Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

lol I just did a comment on Empty Space. Hmm... Now what would any sane point horder do?

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I wonder xD

I love how I'm just scrabbling for these points today.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Well Fireborn is off limits, I mentioned a few posts up, I banned the creator and the story is unpublished.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Yeah. Pretty much why I didn't try to recommend that one :l

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Oh. Sorry. Didn't check it. I would've commented anyway.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Oh. Fark. I saw you said you didn't delete the one with Nuke, but I didn't read it properly.

It has been ridiculously hard for me to concentrate on words today >~<

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Gosh darn it xD

 

Recommending a Comment for Featuring

1) Empty Space

 

Ummm... What exactly do I get from this? All I feel I get from this is .001 IQ for solving the riddle on my first try (not the first "Game Over". It would be my third "Game Over" that I won). 

You have to die at least twice, eh? You just scared most people away from actually trying to beat the game with those death links. Some might, but others will just farm points from you. Basically, game over links like the ones here are bad. 

The way you have some of the words written (in a column; good example: Where it said "come" and you tried to ask what's happening or whatever) is unique, and easy for my eyes to just travel down, though a bit overdone in some places. This relates to paragraph breaks. Please just try to make words from the same sentences all in one (not present in above example) paragraph. 

It seems like a storygame based off a riddle to me. Have I missed something? All that happened was die twice and riddle. Um. Please expand. Your writing could be more interesting, and get rid of the early death links. They're very annoying because they force the story to be linear. 
C:

-- Crescentstar on 12/7/2016 12:08:17 AM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

C: All in one, Seto. All in one. Take it slowly and save End some work.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending comments for featuring: 

Court Case 

1) I run the risk of sounding like a broken record but, yes, the "right" choices are incredibly easy to detect. Nonetheless, it's a fairly solid game that could benefit greatly from a longer length. The script format for dialogue seems like a bit of a cop-out or laziness. But it can possibly be argued that you're trying to emulate a court transcript which would make your dialogue format a stylistic choice.

-- BluRedd on 6/2/2015 10:38:00 PM

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Quinn 

2) I found that the story itself was rather interesting for what it was trying to achieve. You were trying to spend a day in the life of Quinn and for the most part it was interesting, but then it suddenly ended after P.E class which was rather dissapointing as I was enjoying this. 

Anyway, the grammar was ok and didn't have any major errors, though I must admit, some pages were rather short and lacked any sort of description. 

The game in itself is quite interesting and has fairly good grammar, but it is way too short for it to be truly enjoyable. However, even short as it is, I did enjoy it a certain degree, so I'll give it a 4/8.

-- Claw2k11 on 11/24/2016 4:12:06 AM with a score of 0

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Recommending comments for deletion in the above game:

3) nice

-- ICaughtACat on 10/16/2014 7:34:51 AM with a score of 0

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4) Sorry about that last comment, my friend played through my account and left the comment. If I could, I would delete it. Oh well :P

-- ICaughtACat on 10/16/2014 7:46:32 PM with a score of 0

Reasoning: It's what the writer of the story has requested and wants, I suppose ^^

*************************************************

Recommending my own comment for featuring because I can:

Lets go to the mall 

5) This was pretty fun to read :) I quite liked that there were pictures that accompanied the scenes of this storygame, they weren't distracting and they added to the humor. I suppose that this game was rather random, but I feel as if that added to the charm of the overall experience.

-- TharaApples on 11/19/2016 2:59:25 AM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Just because I feel like it (comment for featuring): 

Tastes Like Chicken

This was quite enjoyable. The story flowed quite well, and the humor was genuinely funny and well written. While this was short, the choices were done rather well and made this storygame quite enjoyable to play through more than once. 

This is definitely a good read to kill some time. Well done ^_^

-- TharaApples on 12/6/2016 9:52:06 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (b/c I need at LEAST ten points)

4 years ago

Recommending Comments for Featuring

Cows vs. Aliens!

(Note: Does this still count as new?)

1.) This was actually really fun. I didn't have high hopes because I hate card games. It was quite entertaining and had a good humor element. I shudder with dread at the thought at the amount of scripting and that which went into this, so well done doing that. All in all it was a great game to play and had me entertained for quite some time. Really well done, great job.

-- Steve24833

2.) It's hard to grasp how much smart thought and tough work went into this. It's not a perfect game, but it's still a pretty
satisfying time sink. The aliens being able to raise the bet was a great feature. 


There was a moment when I said to myself, "I guess I'm betting the farm." I bet 30 and the aliens raised. I had no choice.
When I won the hand it came with a victorious feeling. This game can be kinda tough, especially if you have the discipline not to cheat it. 


A feature that would have been cool was a way for your character to cheat, within the confines of the game. Maybe a way to keep a card hidden behind your ear. As only a common man though, I'm not sure how much more scripting that would have made necessary. 

This is pretty fun with a great sense of humor. I'll be suggesting this to friends.

-- ugilick

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
T-Count, you need to stop dueling XD Or at least ask me for some tips on dueling.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Turkey, you need to stop derailing. (Or at least ask me for some tips for shitposting.)

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
Or you could just be less of a dick.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Since it is acceptable, even encouraged, to toot our own horns in here, recommending my comment on Awakening the Tower.

I think you entered a prototype version of this in the puzzle comp?

Impressive amount of scripting here, so that's worth a pat on the back all on its own, but I kept wishing for even just a few shreds of narrative to lend interest and hold it all together. In general, more choices in the dungeon sections might've gone a long way--choices related to exploring or non combat encounters, or just fluff like memories, setting details, etc. No matter how fancy the scripting gets, at the end of the day there's only so much entertainment value that can be stuffed into repeatedly clicking 'Attack'.

As far as the combat itself goes, again there was obviously a large and complicated amount of scripting involved. It's great to see people putting this level of effort into a more game-like game. Though I kept finding it annoying to be attacked after enemies were killed. There was no way at all around this?

ex: You damage the Wolf for 9 points! The Wolf now has 0 Life Points remaining!

The Wolf attacks you! You take 11 points of damage! You have 29 life remaining!


Also, just a minor nitpick, but it's an 'Aggressive' attack. Two Gs. Not a huge deal, except that that's a message we see over and over again.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
I'll just answer this here, if its ok.

@Mizal

Negative did say this on Tower of Doom


The sequel has been released - Awakening of the Tower, in Fantasy Section!

-- Negative on 12/7/2016 11:31:32 AM with a score of 35

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending a comment for deletion: 

A British Shipwright Immigrant's Life in Canada (1830)

1) Meep!

-- Anime_Fan on 2/23/2015 2:49:08 PM

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Also, feature this?

2) It fell on the medium side when it came to length. 
Grammar and spelling was wonderful. It's hard to find any errors! 
I love the placement of pictures, and the storyline is good. However, the story will always end with you in debt, and in jail. 
5/8. Enjoyed this story.

-- DerpBacon on 1/30/2015 3:47:08 PM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending comments for deletion:

Snow

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/snow

1. IT IS STUPID AND STUPID AGAIN

-- laxkay on 9/15/2016 5:09:39 PM with a score of 0

Reason: Flaming the author

2. stupid it was dirty

-- fart fart on 7/18/2016 6:19:58 PM with a score of 0

Reason: Flaming the author

3. It aight fam

-- Caera on 7/1/2016 12:30:59 AM with a score of 0

Reason: I don't even know what the user was trying to say

4. wow.... that was sad..

 

while i as reading the story..
i was listening this music and.. almost cry... :(
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nco7qfrPG7I
a nice story.. with a sad ending, good work ^^ :) :D

-- CeLioCiBR on 9/22/2016 1:08:01 AM with a score of 0

Reason: The user seems to be commenting just to promote some song on YouTube

 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
I left the first one, since it’s really just calling the story stupid rather than calling Seth stupid. Though I’m never sure why folks get hung up on people insulting the authors around here anyway. But that’s another topic I suppose.

The second comment is actually calling the story stupid rather than Seth as well, but anyone who names themselves “fart fart” is obviously a retard and needs to be deleted on general principle. Half of the comment doesn't make much sense since the story isn't dirty, plus he’s a guest rather than a CYS citizen so he’s not a real person anyway.

The the third comment was from another re-re, so yeah it can go.

Now the fourth comment is interesting since they actually did comment on the story being sad and congratulated Seth on the story. It looked like they just added the the song link because they felt like it was relevant.

This one might have stayed, but since Seto just showed that this person is acting like an adbot in more than one story comment section, so it’s gotta go.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

It's the exact same link too :P
I wonder if they only have one song on their playlist... XD

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago
Yeah, that’s mainly why I deleted it too, since it was the same song so it looked like crappy advertisement. Might have been different if they were going around commenting and adding a different song link to each story they reviewed. (Could have even been their commenter “trademark”)

Looking through their other short list of comments, they didn’t post any links to that song or any other songs though. They do have an odd commenting style though.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Yeah, I noticed when I went searching. One of their comments kind of confused me(I believe it was the one on Prometheus Academy). They might be either young, or not an english speaker.

Haven't checked the song yet, actually.

Edit: Ooh! I know this one. I am a strange person.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending Comments for Deleting:

If you follow Agstand's last suggestion, delete this as well?

1) The Make Believe Sandbox

I admit.. i cried.. a lot kkkk... no, that's not funny... 
a great history.... 
while i was reading the history.. i was listening to this song.. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nco7qfrPG7I 
if i was the boy? damm.. i think i wold like to commit suicide.. i mean, not only one girl but two? damm.. 
Great work.. ^^

-- CeLioCiBR on 9/22/2016 2:00:57 AM with a score of 10

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending Comments for Featuring:

1) Three Seas

This story has potential, but it's not engaging. Firstly, the poetry form it's written in makes it harder to get into simply because of the way the words are used. Second, there is no flesh- not much background at all. 

What's good is how you have to find a way to get everything (though it isn't hard) and that your grammar is good, and you have good poetry writing skills. You have plot and purpose, conflict and action (the amount could be debated). 

Sadly, while I respect the poetry form and think it's brilliant, the way the storygame is written is just not engaging at all. Also, it's pretty linear. (I think) the only ending is leaving and getting to Earth.

-- Crescentstar on 12/7/2016 10:13:42 PM with a score of 0

 

Recommending a Comment for Deletion:

2) Substitute Teacher

Well, its branching, but doesn't have anything to do with the story.

you are given a card that says: press the button and unfold to win. 
a. press the button and unfold 
b. dont press the button. 

a: you press and unfold the card and it tells you: you now have fleas. you feel itchy all over. 
b: your friend who handed you the card punches you in the face! 
aa: scratch at the fleas. 
ab: take a bath. 
ba: place an apple on top of your friend's head 
bb: fight back 

aa: the fleas become angry. you jump into the bath anyway. the fleas were so angry that they exploded in contact with the water, and their acidic blood broke the drain and made the water go away. 
ab: you get struck by lightning in the bathtub and give up on life. 
ba: your friend thanks you and thenbuys apple computer products and loses the master race. (pc will always win) 
bb: you get expelled from school after you give your friend brain damage and win the fight

-- Jackson Ridgway on 9/30/2015 12:01:10 PM

 

Recommending Story for Unpublishing:

3) Finding Lillegard Castle

The storygame is not a storygame and is instead intended to fulfill a goal such as communicating with another member (including all inside jokes) or advertising a product.

This is the last page of the storygame. Not entirely sure if this counts as advertising. It's also kind of a demo...I think.

 

"Congratulations! You've finished the introduction to AALC. Now you are free to continue your adventure in the forums. Keep in mind the decisions you made during this orientation, though you are by no means stuck to them. 

Over the course of the year, the plot will continue to unfold through what will be known as "Plot Events." We will have other, more normal academy events such as balls, etc. But the "Plot Events" will continue what has been started here. And keep in mind, the choices made in them could change the school as we know it so far. 

As with all events that aren't assignments, participation is optional. You will hear more soon."

 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Wow. And it's apparently slightly more fun than homework.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I know xD

Well, the writing actually isn't bad. It was really good actually. It's too bad it's only an intro.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Hmm. I never actually read this one, so I wouldn't know. Now it may also be deleted as well :c

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Well, reading it now is always an option :D

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

But I have to reply to Crescent who's messaging me about things. My priorities are what they are ^^

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Aww. Oh well. End doesn't have to delete it. Unpublishing still lets you access it, after all. :)

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Well Crecentstar can't get any points since she's done something to her profile that made it unclickable. Or at least I can't click it. In fact that whole section is unclickable. So I couldn't even send her a PM about it.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Honestly, you CAN send me a PM about it through "My Messages". *glares at Seto* (Seeeeeee)

 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

It's really weird. I can't click on her exp either :c

I cannot stalk anymore. I'm devastated by this.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Seto can do it; I can do it on my phone (but not on laptop). I will remove the code thingy then. :)

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I can click it using a different browser, so you're free to keep it if you want. It's just the browser in question isn't one that I typically use.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Yeah I checked on my phone, old school technology gets around the issue, but remove whatever it is you did anyway.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Yes sir!

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Recommending comments for deletion:

Light Space

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/light-space

 

1.Good sci-fi experience!

-- Kiele on 12/31/2012 5:03:20 AM with a score of 0

Reason: duplicate comment

2. poop

-- griZz on 3/6/2012 3:55:59 AM with a score of 0

Reason: not an actual comment about the game

3. Thanks!

-- zorphs on 9/21/2012 6:48:34 PM with a score of 0

Reason: not an actual comment about the game

4.  email me back ya cook

-- chase radke on 12/15/2014 2:57:21 PM with a score of 0

Reason: not an actual comment about the game

 

331 Oakmount Drive

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/331-oakmount-drive

5. Bruh

-- Chris Brown on 3/15/2015 8:29:11 PM

Reason: not an actual comment about the game

 

 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Aww, I just gave it a good score and was thinking of leaving a nice comment :c

Wait, isn't that the same website the Interactive guy stole his zombie story from?

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

The zombie story was from CoG, though that guy attempted to change a few minor things to make it seem like it wasn't plagiarism, but it was the same story with the same lay out, etc.

There was another person who stole something from inklestudios before though too. (Also banned)

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Not the Zombie Exodus one. The one Thara and I found a while ago. I am pretty sure it was by Interactive?

Found it! It was hard to find it in my inbox, but this one: https://writer.inklestudios.com/stories/djqw

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Oh yeah, this one: http://chooseyourstory.com/Member/?Username=InteractiveMaker

They had like a few other stories that had average rankings I think too at the time, so not sure why they felt the need to do that.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Yeah, the Bagel and the Haircut one. I'm not sure why, either. But I'm guessing it's for the same reason people always plagarize.
 

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Finding things is just one of my many talents.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

You've probably never been to inklewriter. That story's been around for years and it's the first example they shove in visitors' faces.

Kind of hard to not recognize if you've been there even once, not like there's a whole lot of Sherlock CYOAs floating around. Not the brightest choice for someone trying to be sneaky.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

I've actually been to Inklewriter, but I've only read three stories there. One was the zombie one.

I vaguely remember a sorcerey one that I found interesting.

I actually have an account there ^^;

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

The mutant was gloriously purged.

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

Okay. Let's get dangerous.

Recommending storygame for tagging:

Broken Wings 

1) Animal Perspective tag

2) Drama tag

3) Serious tag

Comment for featuring & deleting in the same game.

4) The writing style was interesting(Kind of poetic at times) and there were some nice details in there. Some parts of it were lacking though. First, kind of short. Second, you tended to repeat yourself a lot. Third, really depressing(It would have been nice to have one happy ending.) 

Overall, I think it could have been better, but I think you did an ok job. 

3/8

-- JMgskills on 1/21/2012 11:47:25 AM

(Feature this?)

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5) The writing style was interesting(Kind of poetic at times) and there were some nice details in there. Some parts of it were lacking though. First, kind of short. Second, you tended to repeat yourself a lot. Third, really depressing(It would have been nice to have one happy ending.) 

Overall, I think it could have been better, but I think you did an ok job. 

3/8

-- JMgskills on 1/21/2012 11:48:26 AM

(Now delete.)

Reasoning: Duplicate comment

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6) Oops! Sorry, I didn't mean to repeat myself. I accidently clicked the submit button twice. Sorry.

-- JMgskills on 1/21/2012 11:49:52 AM

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Now let us end this on a positive note. With some more features?

7) I liked it. Not the best story, but a fair game, good even. I think you got the feeling you went for. Could have been longer, but I appreciate it for what it is. I look forward to seeing some longer works.

-- Trywm on 1/26/2012 9:06:29 PM

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8) I liked this game, it was sad and nice to see things realistically from a wounded animal's point of view. Within it's limits it was a good short-story game :)

-- Will11 on 3/11/2015 6:03:17 AM

Draw My Attention (Making CYS Great Again)

4 years ago

just noticed there is a new thread, so what I originally posted here is on that one now