29 more points!
Some more. Sorry for all the work End ^^;
Recommending Comments for Featuring:
1. Save Your Dragon
Bad:
1)Linearity-wish I could choose more options
2)Spelling- at times it was off
3)dialogue- it was a little wierd sometimes
4)A little to fast paced- things could have been developed better.
Good:
1)Long- this was the perfect amount of length. Not to long or to short.
2)Battles- I really felt like I was the character in the fights which made them extremely enjoyable.
3)Characters- I found myself actually rooting for them and that I wanted to see more of them.
4) Inspiration- This was a very original game which I liked. Nice world you created.
Verdict:
A nice game overall. Though there were some flaws you more than made up for them. You had a great story and I loved the way it turned out. I sincerely hope that you make more.
Favorite parts: The battle against Quon
Nice job Killer.
6/8
-- JMgskills on 2/20/2012 1:38:16 PM
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2. Sacrifice
Hm. It's a beautiful concept that... doesn't really go anywhere. There are stakes and consequences and choices and payoffs, but no genuine build-up. There's emotion, but it has little time to develop. If I become anything less than a monster, I die. If I sacrifice everything to survive as a monster, my ultimate fate is left rather ambiguous. This feels as if it could've been made into an epic, as if it could've been something grand and gut-wrenchingly emotional or fantastically bizarre but wasn't. It could also use a bit of formatting and polishing, but eh. In the end, I like this, but I can't justify loving it and I wish I could. I wish this was fleshed out and that I knew more about this world.
-- Kiel_Farren on 1/20/2016 3:50:57 AM
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3. Runes of Yeu
I really enjoyed this game. There was a certain degree of unique world-building, starting from being an anthropomorphic mushroom (or haha - a fungi), and continuing on to where some classic fantasy clichés were very subtly subverted. I still do wish this was longer since I wanted to explore more of this interesting world that was unfolding, but what's there is already quite excellent.
The pictures were fitting, the writing worked great for what it needed to do, and several of the side endings got a hearty guffaw out of me. There were a few minor places that could have been improved with some coding and variables, in my opinion (such as a timer for how many activities can be done in a single night, or an automatic black out if the player keeps clicking the 'Another Drink' link), but all in all, it was a fun adventure that was definitely worth the time it took to explore.
-- the_quiller on 3/26/2016 11:33:50 PM with a score of 35
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4. Runaway
Not bad at all, but it could use some tuning. Primarily, I wouldn't call this story 'extremely long' whatsoever. It's length 5. The adventure was cool but with a lack of background information about me, I noticed a distinct disconnect. Your grammar in the first few pages needs work but it sorts itself out as the story continues. Finally, I'd definitely suggest not blowing your own horn so much. Sentences like: "I believe this is a magnificent piece of work, showing determination, love, and trust can bring you riches....along with some help from friends." make you seem really pretentious and full of yourself even though we all know that you aren't. Good story though, has serious potential. Your writing is improving exponentially.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 2/21/2011 3:01:05 PM with a score of 80
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5. Rising Flames
The story was tough for me to follow because the grammar needs improvement. The big thing is the lack of commas, but there are occasional misspellings (painfull) as well as the common your-you're mix-up. Also, some of the sentences could have been reworded (one sentence started by saying some roads had changed, only for it to say the roads were UNchanged), and I feel there could have been more description. For two final nit-picks, even though I'm using a lot of parentheses in my comment, somehow I don't like seeing them used in the storygame to denote how much money you got, and I don't think people are gonna like the page numbers on every title. That aside, I...admittedly didn't experience the better part of the game, so I didn't rate it. I made it pretty quickly to a bad ending where everything burns. The world you've made seems interesting, and I'll probably play again if some mistakes get corrected; I'm genuinely interested to learn WHY everything caught on fire in my ending, and to see where fantasy elements really come into play. That's what a good story does; build intrigue. So anyway, good luck in your storygame-making endeavors!
-- Trish on 11/22/2012 7:37:53 PM
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6. Rise of Vollund II: Koregian
Okay, first of all, it was better then your first game. However, the faults of the first game are being overlooked. In order for the player to get engaged into the story, s/he needs a character to like, reason to fight, and a goal (other then kill everything you can)
Now for some basic errors:
II saw many instances in which you allow the player to turn back, but it accomplishes nothing, since you can never return more then a page or two back.. Also, make sure you don't force the player into using the "go back" button. It's there for mistakes, but make sure you give an option to return if you didn't bring the key, for instance.
It wasn't horrible, and it is certantly an improvement from the first game, but it gets a 3/8 simply because it wasn't "fun" yet. The game looks promising though!
-- Aman on 12/12/2012 8:49:56 PM with a score of 360
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7. Return to Vinia
I found this very well written and interspersed with a nice selection of illustrations that really helped set the mood. There were always plenty of choices (even if some of them led to the same place), except in places where it would make sense for the story to be linear, like in a fight sequence where the wrong move means death. All in all, it was an nice balance of storytelling and danger that I enjoyed playing through.
The story is not overly long, but does have a very satisfying ending. I only wish it was longer because the player character is quite a badass and it would have been fun to see what else he could accomplish.
-- the_quiller on 2/27/2016 2:50:01 PM with a score of 0
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8. Raceia
Good:
1. Attempt at using pictures
2. Semblance of plot
3. Proofread
Bad:
1. Random choices
2. No sense or logic in protagonist actions
3. Shallow and short
Ugly:
1. mini OMS maze ;)
-- urnam0 on 5/11/2011 4:13:39 PM with a score of 0
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9. Psychedelic
It was alright, never really captured my attention or had me enticed on wanting to know what was going to happen next, nor was it ever laugh-out-loud funny. I did notice that you usually had 3 links with 2 that went to end game links and the other that went to a new page and so on and so forth. Why write a CYOA if you're just going to give one path? :P
No, seriously, this is what we call "linear", try and avoid it because it completely and utterly destroys immersion. Great first attempt at a game though and I enjoy your writing style. I think that your personal shortcomings fall into the category of what Endmaster does best, so I would suggest reading Ground Zero by the aforementioned Legend, in order to further enhance your abilities.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 6/16/2010 8:15:22 PM
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10. Psychedelic
Well, it seemed a bit linear to me, but there was one place I seemed to be able to choose more than one option and live. I am guessing you were going for a dream-state type of place, as the objects/creatures/choices inside had no particular reasoning to them, but in my humble opinion, even in a dream state, there would be some sort of thread holding things together, even if said thread wasn't at all apparent. Without some sort of thread, though, one doesn't tend to care what happens. Still a better effort than a lot I've read, hoping to see some more.
-- madglee on 10/6/2010 6:10:39 PM
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11. Pirate Captain
The game is a good combat simulator and if it was just a combat simulator I would give it a 6/8. It also has no spelling error (but I'm no wizard so I could have missed one or two.) But this is an open world style game with random enemies and could almost be considered 5/8 at first glance. But there is one thing that made me laugh (not in a good way) was the ability to fight without weapons. You deal about -5 damage and receive about -5 to -10 damage. In a game like this I shouldn't see negative numbers. But here is the best part. There is no real max on your hauls health so you just don't buy weapons sail out to sea get a few hundred hit points go back to port and buy the cannon ball and musket hit the high seas and plunder every thing. You could also make the game better by adding the price of the weapon next to the weapon and the game has trouble buying new weapons as you can only carrie 2 at a time. This also leads to a inability to optimize your ship. Because you can only hold on long range wepon at a time (or two if you really want, but the damage stacks making a stronger wepon.) you ether one shot weaker foe leaving you with no loot, or you leave yourself weak and unable to fight stronger foes. There is also only a few enemies that randomly generate, letting the game get old fast. This game could easily score a 6/8 or 7/8 but all these flaws drag the game down to a 4/8, great job fix those flaws in the game and add a bit of variation in the foes and you have an amazing game.
-- Dmanxbox on 5/23/2016 4:28:46 PM with a score of 2
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12. Pirate Captain
I like the concept a lot, it has a sort of free roam feel but it would be better if there were other islands and things to visit. The main danger I found was in outclassing my prey with superior gunnery and sinking them in every battle. The ships' stories and the pirates' stories were well rendered and I'd have enjoyed seeing a few more pirates! The game reminded me a little of Sid Meier's Pirates and made a good transformation to a story game, the idea is quite fun, if you revisit it and expand it, tweak a few things etc I think it could become a really great game.
-- Will11 on 11/12/2014 6:07:59 AM with a score of 2
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13. Overthrown: The Makings of a God
This was a good entertaining read, and while some might criticise you for a its linearity, I think this style works and it does make it replayable.
I did enjoy this story and your writing style is pretty good, but I thought character development felt sorta empty. The protagonist's emotions and motives seem too simple. He wants to save people just because, and afterwards he feels angry because his village was destroyed. I think you could have given him more depth.
-- 31TeV on 9/11/2014 4:42:38 AM
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14. Ovethrown 2: A World Without A King
Another one from before the lift of the 900-word limit on comments...
I am impressed! This story is filled with so much intense and anxiety that I could not take my eyes off the screen. You left me almost close to tears when I realised that you actually left a cliff hanger! I hadn't expected that it would end so abruptly when things were starting to get heated up!
One thing that was commendable about this story would be the way you describe the battle scenes. They were AMAZINGLY good. You had intricately highlighted every single detail and I was able to picture out everything without much of a trouble. That’s what every hardcore fan of fantasy like me looks for in a writer, and you have done a splendid job!
I also like the idea that you gave us a more variety of choices during the battles. I went through every single possible option and I really enjoyed it! Though it may still be somewhat linear (since it is more of a story than a game), I still had
-- Crefix on 4/22/2011 6:50:22 AM
[continued]
fun!
[WARNING: SPOILER]
Though the story may be engaging, but I would also like to point out in one particular part of the story- you stressed about how tough and dangerous an opponent Ophiotaurus can be, and how seemingly impossible it is to locate him. I was actually quite looking forward to seeing how Gaius and his band of new friends will find and fight him. However, Ophiotaurus proved be much less challenging than you claimed to be. I was actually quite disappointed with how easily they dealt with him, and all my hopes for another intense-filled battle were dashed.
My suggestion is- try to avoid emphasizing on things that may not be the main focus of the story. It may become misleading and this will only cause your readers to become disappointed in the end.
Overall, though, good job! Keep up the great work! I will be looking forward to seeing part 3! I gave
-- Crefix on 4/22/2011 6:57:25 AM
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15. Mercenary Queen (Part 3): The Hemlock Band
Excellent work: your writing is error-free and enjoyable to read, it's clear you have put a lot of thought into the world your characters inhabit and you know how to make interesting fantasy characters believable. This is pretty strong stuff and reads like a good CYOA adult fantasy novel.
Normally I'm against splitting into parts but I think once a story reaches 6/8 or about in length it is ok to have sequels as long as the stories make sense if read out of sequence (I'm thinking something like the Sherlock Holmes short-stories here), otherwise just as you're really getting into the story it suddenly... stops. This is a little jarring.
The story takes you so far but it could branch out more or be developed further, I enjoyed this enough to look up and read parts 1 and 2 though :) Great work and thanks for sharing.
-- Will11 on 7/28/2015 9:01:41 AM
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16. Mercenary Queen (Part 1): Escape From Essitrea
Excellent, I enjoyed this as much as your other game, good level of detail and branching but unfortunately if you follow the right branch the story ends pretty quickly... you have some of the branches link back on themselves which is good but for a story of this high quality it feels like it needs to be longer, maybe try merging all the Mercenary Queen parts into one big story and gloss it up with a few pics? Either way this is first-rate writing :D
-- Will11 on 7/28/2015 9:12:21 AM
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17. Medieval Adventure
There are lots of drawbacks of this story. It could be really interesting, but there's no characterization, or plot for that matter. I'm a knight. That's all I know. That and I have enough gold to throw around whether I take the gold from the orcs or not. There's a point where it says something along the lines of "You tell the man your story" and then he is so moved, that he lends you his help in the form of militia. That's great. Do we get to be in on this moving story? There are also bugs such as you save the girl, and she follows you, but nothing is said about her again. Also nothing is said about the 'message' you have for someone in the castle. Or near the castle. I can't remember. These are just some things you might want to consider expanding on, in order to make a better story.
-- VelvetInRed on 5/23/2013 5:05:06 PM with a score of 100
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18. Medieval Adventure
This game has potential. I liked the framework of the adventure and the ability to gain items and allies along the way.
It would have been vastly improved if there was more than a single line of description on each page. As it stands, the story's quite bare, and the lack of pictures means there's not much there to engage the reader. I zoomed through it in probably less than five minutes. Still entertaining, but not engaging.
Also, the fact that a 'team of men' is presented as an item with the picture of a bag implies a rather grisly way of taking them with you.
4/8
-- the_quiller on 7/25/2014 12:03:54 AM with a score of 4400
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19. Mazkil
Wow, I'm glad I decided to browse around the new stories list a little, I almost missed this one completely. A solid, entertaining read, lots of good action scenes and there was a LOT more content than I expected. I hadn't noticed the 7/8 length so I was half expecting it to end after the fight over who got to be chief, and there still would've been more to it than a lot of stories here.
There were a few minor issues with capitalization (you seem to like to capitalize Random Nouns on occasion) and I noticed some punctuation errors. In particular there were issues with the dialogue tags.
For instance:
"The sun wishes us good luck. We'll do well in the battle." One of the Orcs near you says happily.
"Cease your superstitions, Nagrak. We might not even fight today." Another replies.
Just fyi (since it may be easiest just to give an example) these should be punctuated like so:
"The sun wishes us good luck. We'll do well in the battle," one of the Orcs near you says happily.
"Cease your superstitions, Nagrak. We might not even fight today," another replies.
You use the period at the end of a line of dialogue only when it's not followed by a tag, and the tag itself 'he said' etc' is still a part in the middle of the overall sentence and so doesn't need to be capitalized. Even in the case of a question or exclamation mark, it would be lowercase. ("What's going on?" he asked.)
Nothing to worry too much about though, it's one of the more common mistakes I've seen people make and something I did myself for the longest time until it was pointed out to me.
Another round of proofreading wouldn't hurt (on the page Awaken, after surviving the duel with the brother, the text is chopped up like it was copy and pasted wrong) but most of the issues were small ones and more a matter of polish than anything that hurt the actual story. And the story was such a fun one, I enjoyed owning the role and picking all the most orcish options possible (Er, sorry little elf baby but I'm an orc not Spiderman... >.>) and just stomping faces in all day erry day.
I got the ending where I died after killing the elf princess on the field of battle and it was a suitably badass way to go, but I take it there were other major branches I missed?
The only thing I can think that I'd like to see added were some descriptions of the major characters, even if very basic ones. But I see you're working on another orc story, and I'm very much looking forward to it. I love when people try to tackle the idea of how an orc society would actually work, and otherwise do a little more with them than just making them mindless berserking battle fodder.
-- mizal on 1/23/2016 2:59:30 AM with a score of 0
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20. Magellan 1: Race into the Great Unknown
I enjoyed it, and it was a fun game.
It definitely felt more like a game than a story. My personal bias favors more of a story feel, but the map-able in-game-universe was a cool feature, even more so if you've incorporated it into the sequels.
Something like a subplot that focuses on your interactions, relationships, dynamics, etc. with your crew would be a nice addition for a storygame like this. Anything to make me care about them. Because from this framework, they're just a number that I can't let hit zero. Unless I'm mistaken, it makes no difference if I arrive with 30 happy crewmen or just me and one Mr. No Name that went through living hell.
I was a little confused about how I circumnavigated the globe on a north/south route without ever sailing south, though. I'll just picture it as a flat world that teleports you to the bottom of the map once you hit a certain point.
Overall, it was a fun and enjoyable experience.
-- Bucky on 5/18/2016 10:04:23 PM with a score of 2
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21. Magellan 3: Journey to New Horizons
You getting a lot better, but you still have a spelling/grammar mistake on the page "The Western Passage". It said, "Both Naomi and Eva below you (I forget what words are exactly after, something about anchoring)." It should be "Both Naomi and Eva bellow to you."
Also while you are getting there with character relations, keep in mind that Magellan is short, and so you should have a sort of break or pause from the story, like during sailing through empty sea, and during that moment, have the hero ask the character about their lives, provide a list of questions about things like how they grew up and why they wanted to become a sailor and stuff, so we can kind of get a feel for what they like.
Thirdly, Some characters are disjointed between stories.. For example, in Magellan 2, near the end, (SPOILER IF YOU HAVENT READ MAGELLAN 2), Leo says he loves Eva Freer, and Naomi Swift says she loves Leo. I didn't find a single mention of that, or any awkwardness, in this story. And as I mentioned in Magellan 1 and 2, make it so we can go more in depth with characters.
Finally: Cranking out a series in only a week or 2 doesn't help very much. You might as well stick them into one big story and have different chapters with short recaps of what happened between stories. You have no hook at the beginning or end, and for me, sailing stories should be longer. Where are all the hardships at sea and what happens on the ship itself? I know more about sailing than what goes on inside Leo Trapa's ship, and I don't know HOW to sail.
-- Anonymous on 4/4/2016 5:10:22 PM with a score of 1
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22. Magellan 3: Journey to New Horizons
Yes, this is the author's own comment, but...I thought it should be featured ^^;
Thanks for Malk, Mason and CurseofTime for the feedback and I'm glad you enjoyed it Steve (Swift is too withdrawn about asserthing her opinions but maybe she will improve with time), I think Anonymous's comment is one of the more intelligent and thoughtful I've received recently so I will spend a little time responding.
I do make a lot of grammar and spelling typos I shouldn't (partly because I type on computers in China with dodgy spellcheckers) but especially in this series as I have a real writing enthusiasm atm. I've tried to put the storylines into the events so they develop naturally as the reader progresses through the story, I do not want the reader to miss something important because they have taken a different path. If I made the stories longer I guess they'd be different relationships to pursue but for a multiple-choice story writer I'm alarmingly narrow minded :) Haha hopefully this will change with time.
There are a few references to Leo's love of Eva in the story but I feel I should have written that more strongly. All writers write from experience or imagination and lets just say my shortfall is writing about romances :D
I appreciate your point about writing the episodes of the series too fast, it's a major criticism of mine for people who publish in parts. I believe if something has a clear beginning, middle and end and is rated 5/8 or 6/8 in length you can justify calling it a series. Homo Perfectus is a great series. This is a good series but I agree if you haven't read the previous parts there will not be much interest in the current part, a shortfall not shared by HP where ever story (in my opinion) is as good as the last. Essentially you are right I should spend more time on these stories but I consider them almost as episodes of a series rather than a feature length film. When my current career allows me enough time to write something full-length like Hunting the Ripper I'll be more happier than anyone else to shut myself in a hotel room or seaside cabin and type away for a few months.
Essentially I agree that these stories deserve a 5/8 or 6/8 if people are feeling generous, as I'm a decent but not especially talented author (unlike some of my favourite site members curse them... in a nice way) which means I need to spend a lot of time to try to put out something really good. I hope to have the time to do this soon, until then I'm content showing that not all the new stories submitted here have to be brain-torture :) (I know there's a lot of good new stories but lately for me they seem to be getting swept away by the tide of sewage... but that's probably just me being negative) :)
Anyway, thank you for everyone's feedback and thank you for everyone who has the time, patience and interest to read my written ramblings :)
-- Will11 on 4/7/2016 6:42:53 AM with a score of 1
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23. Magellan 4: Search for Original Ideas
Well. I haven't been much of a reviewer lately unless it's concerned telling someone about site rules, but we're four games into this marvelous series and it's about time that I say something:
Will, thank you for your persistence in creating good, quality games. I really quite like the world and cast that you've shown us. I do have a bit of a soft spot for Leo as my name was, naturally, derived from a young sailor with a knack for leadership and passion for exploration. (And skirt chasing, but that's irrelevant here.)
The writing is obviously the main draw, as it should be, and it's quite good, (barring the rare typo that is not enough to detract from my enjoyment) and God knows we can always use more good writing here. All the tricks and glitter in the world that you can use to make a game look nice are worth precisely nothing if you cannot write, so all of you folks that think slapping a few pretty pictures on a crappy game fixes it, please take note.
(As a tiny critique, a "previous page" link would not have been amiss on the page containing the cast list. Partly because my phone hates being told to use the go back option for some reason. Also, I love your cast lists.)
The ending was very satisfying and well worth the effort. The final page was also, without spoiling much, delightfully ominous. I look forward to seeing the next installment.
I highly encourage anyone who hasn't played this series yet to get off your butt (or get on it, whichever is required) and start reading.
-- Kiel_Farren on 5/6/2016 3:14:34 AM with a score of 1
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24. Magellan 4: Search for Original Ideas
I'm surprised the length on this one is a 6/8, same as the first, because there really does seem to be a lot more to it. Really been enjoying how the plot has been ramping up and getting more involved as the series goes along. This is a fantastic series and there's a lot going on here.
I'm hoping to revisit this one to give it a more detailed review--honestly I've been wanting to binge through all of them from the beginning again and really turn them inside out with multiple playthroughs trying all the options, but I saw this one languishing here and thought it was really in need of some love, like right now. :P
It really is a shame there aren't more reviews yet, but it's possible being the fourth in a series is keeping new readers who haven't read the rest away...you know we're all lazy bitches here who would rather spend five seconds blindly clicking through some terrible 2 length thing by a nine year old. Reading good stories takes time, and thinking and stuff, ugh.
-- mizal on 5/3/2016 10:45:56 AM with a score of 1
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25. Magellan 4: Search for Original Ideas
Another fantastic entry in the series. It's a lot meatier than the other stories. I thought it'd end with the capture of Golden Shores, but it went on for a fair bit after with a lot of good gameplay. This game combined great gameplay with a fantastic plot and really interesting and fleshed out characters. The entry is the very best of the series, which the strongest plot without sacrificing gameplay. The only flaw would be the queen's escape, which ended up being a ridiculous kind of Villain escape against all odds when I should've just killed her. Other than that, it was an incredible game and I can't wait for the finale of the series. Well done, amazing work.
-- Steve24833 on 4/30/2016 7:28:00 PM with a score of 1
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26. Love or Magic
... Listen, I won't be harsh since this is your first try. The pictures were nice and the story was... cute? But it's shallow, flat. It lacked detail and -sorely- lacked depth to the characters, the world, the goal, so on. Sure, the idea of "pick your magical monster" and "jump into their world to save it" is actually a _great_ idea. I think it has lots of potential. If you had -expanded- on that idea here? It would've been good. Also, you could use a writing mentor or a beta reader to help you with spelling and fleshing things out since it's too short, and again, needs detail. On that note...if you can't find anyone, I've been a beta for my friends for years and I've mentored a couple people, so you can message me if need be.
-- Kiel_Farren on 8/26/2012 2:18:24 PM
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27. Love or Magic
Pretty pictures and formatting don't make up for the short and rather lacking amount of plot, choices, and reading material overall. I've use dmore words in a single paragraph than you did this entire story. It does have potential though, and it can become a great story one day. I suggest you write out a simple plotline and then add onto the structure that you have chosen. I'd suggest you make this a long story with few choices in it since you already narrowed it down to love or magic. good job and keep up with the improvements.
-- alienalpha on 2/16/2012 1:04:55 PM
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28. Lily of the Forest
For a game created for a four- to five- year old, it was great. The correct choices all reflect morals of altruism, determination, perseverance, etc. Perhaps because this site has already conditioned me to expect 'continue or die' choices, I was constantly paranoid that something horrible was about to happen to the main character, but that ultimately proved not to be the case, haha. It was well-written with good grammar and spelling, and at a level that I think toddlers can easily understand what is going on. Pictures would have vastly improved the experience.
Outside of the context of a game for a toddler, however, I found it cute but ultimately without any sort of suspense (not counting my own overly paranoid brain). The descriptions were quite skimpy, and some of the choices such as 'keep climbing' were a little repetitive and felt a bit tedious. It didn't really bother me much and I felt that it was worth playing through at least once, but I probably won't be replaying this.
All in all, good job. I'd love to see you make a game targeted at an older audience, because you seem to have an excellent grasp of literacy and a knack for building up a great atmosphere for your story.
-- the_quiller on 7/16/2014 8:47:34 PM with a score of 0
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29. Life of the Banished
I like the depth of Fantasy here: we get unicorns, mermaids, griffins, trolls etc but they seem to be taken a bit for granted. In places the detail is a bit lacking, for example if I was adopted by a clan of mermaids I'd want to know more about this weird aquatic cult who have chosen to live in H2O guarding sparkly stones.
Another case is later when given a choice of mates we get no details about them except their color, which if I was being pedantic I'd say picking a boyfriend or girlfriend based on the color of their skin seems a poor qualification, I'd suggest expanding this a little to include some unicorn-based flirting or some conversations.
Overall I liked this, the creativity was good, the prologue excellent, the choices did branch out and there was a real sense of story here with a clear beginning, middle and end (which is often lacking in stories about unicorns, wolves, cats etc); there were also no spelling mistakes that I could spot. I'd suggest the reader's unicorn either expressing surprise when encountering certain creatures or if the unicorn does take these things for granted explaining a little more clearly how it gets adopted by these creatures, and also expanding a little more on the details of the unicorn's mate at the end of the story.
Good Work though :D
-- Will11 on 10/22/2015 8:12:03 PM
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30. Jack and Jill Live On 2
This story is not all that much longer than the first, and although it shows some effort, not a lot of deep thought seems to have gone into it. For one, it is very linear. There is only one storyline in this story, and if you deviate from it, you die, or get directed back to the original storyline, without adding very much. You would also be surprised at how much developing plot, character personality, and range of real choices really helps the overall quality of your game.
-- VelvetInRed on 5/23/2013 6:19:16 PM
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31.
Jack and Jill Live On 2
Nice to see you making some progress! Although this was better than the first, this wasn't too good either. It was short, linear and You need not to rush the pages. Most of the pages had 0 description and there was no background. And killing the queen was completely illogical. How come two people kill a dark queen so easily. Plunging a sword in her, really? I hope you would work harder for the next game. I can't really say that this was a good game but happy to see ya trying ;-) unlike some of the new members here. Haha. Please don't get disappointed by my comment but I can't rate you higher for your effort. I am giving it a 4 (2X better than first) and Wish ya good luck :-D! And oh! Watch out for those zombies! Yep! Right behind you!
-- Revenant on 4/16/2013 6:22:02 AM
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32. Infeno Series#2 The 4 gods
That was certainly a little different from the other storygames I've read on here. It's fantasy meets Dragon Ball meets One Piece meets Harry Potter, just with worse writing.
It's at least got pretty good spelling and grammar compared to its literally unreadable prequel, but that's not saying much. Maybe this lack of attention to detail was offset slightly by the creative use of language including "thusfore", "doge", "undogable", "t6raning", "falsh", "marvloes", "disoreented" and "throught". Here's to hoping a review by Kiel one day (no I'm not going to invite him because this game is pretty damn long and he gets a lot of review requests as it is).
Talking of attention to detail, the game mechanics could have used a lot more too. The parts where you explore towns are full of bugs. I had to catch the "rabit" twice to get to the inn. I lost my Inferno scale at one point so I couldn't get taught at the school. Even where there wasn't a bug as such there was often sloppiness where the game would take you to places you didn't expect, and not in a good way.
I don't think the plot and the setting were particularly bad, but there was nothing really standout about them. I think the reason it felt so bland is that your characters didn't feel very developed. I'm sorry to say that even with supposedly emotional scenes and such, the characters felt rather one dimensional. Leo realised his family got killed by the white demon, but I felt nothing because there was no complexity of character there, only simple anger. Maybe you could have gone into more detail abut how he suffered after he was orphaned, how he managed to lead a normal life but always felt numb after the incident, how he revisited his destroyed village every year and mourned his family, how he's afraid of fire because of the incident. Little things like that can make a character more life-like, believable, relatable, but most importantly of all, interesting.
Barlow betrayed the party, turning insane and evil, but why? What motivated him? Were his intentions towards the protagonists good from the start or did he always have plans of betrayal?
Master Lee was killed but I really didn't feel bad because he didn't feel human. I knew very little about his personality and what he was like. It probably wasn't helped by such a cliche name for a martial arts teacher. There were a lot of other cliches and ripoffs from other works of fiction, chief among them "lightning blade" and "MUDBLOODED". Cliches are okay but when you go overboard it becomes a little difficult to take seriously, and I'm certain the intended mood of this story was serious rather than light-hearted and funny.
Dialogue can help a lot with characterisation. I noticed that a lot of dialogue was during the fight scenes. You can help the audience get to know characters through just normal conversation. Why not have Leo talk to Genra or Barlow during the voyage? It might reveal interesting things about their past or what their goals in life are.
Come to think of it, besides the odd exploring of towns, there was very little in the way of non-fighting scenes. It was almost always constant fighting, which becomes repetitive and tedious. You can have better pacing in a story by spreading out the scenes with high tension, such as action sequences.
I'll admit that part of me was glad when you said that your story is finished, but it's also kind of a shame that you ran out of steam and never got round to finishing this. It seems like you were in a real rush to publish this thing, and it shows with all the sloppiness and poor attention to detail. I commend you on writing a decently lengthy story, but that counts for very little with such an obviously rushed and poor quality storygame.
"Charge into the furry"
Lol
-- 31TeV on 6/2/2015 11:58:48 AM with a score of 500
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33. In the Caverns
I like how you began the story with the main character not at his best health, but I do wish I knew what his hardships were ahead of time to figure out how he came to be this way. Also, I felt more like I was reading a book rather than getting to choose anything; it was too linear. Also, it isn't that realistic that you would really try to eat a rat whole. First, if it as really a rat and not a mouse, you might not even be able to fit the entire thing in your mouth. Then trying to swallow the fur and bones was rather unrealistic. Biting the meat off and eating it raw, sure, but not even a starving person would swallow it whole. Logically, pulling it apart and eating the meat would be the bit more logical choice.
The story was pretty good, though, since you could understand how your surroundings felt; I just wish it was a bit longer.
-- jkulibert2 on 4/26/2011 6:12:34 PM
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34. In the Caverns
Between this comment and Madglee's :P
Pros:
Gives reader the feeling of actually being in caverns
Enjoyable plot reminiscent of classic CYOA books
Semi-polished backstory and action scenes
Cons:
Grammar and syntax lacking polish
Some random endings with no indications from the previous page
Not fleshed out enough, could have used a few more drafts
Too short, could have combined sequels and this into one game
-- urnam0 on 7/13/2009 6:55:47 PM
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35. In the Caverns
Compared to other releases this is just absolutely incredible. On an actual scale, it's about a 3. You had an under-developed backstory which is better than none at all and you managed to have a somewhat decent structure to your pages, as well as actually using description. So it wasn't terrible, but it just wasn't good either. I never "got into it", but you do show potential. Also, this isn't long enough to be cut off. You're planning a sequel but it should have just been a continuation of this storygame. Sequels should really only attach themselves to a 7 length storygame or a REALLY good 6 length storygame. That's in the vicinity of two hundred good pages. This wasn't that.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 8/4/2009 4:00:54 PM
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36. Ignacia de Loyola
Holy cow. (or should I say holy sparrow?) It's certainly been a long while since I read anything like this, and I've certainly never seen something like it on here.
Overall, it achieves, I think, what it set out to do. The metaphor works. I might add a page denoting the in-game chapter break, just to let people have some idea where they are on the path.
The beginning is also a doozy. It's not that you can't see the forest for the trees at the beginning, it's that you can't see the trees for the leaves, and thus have no manner of knowing that a forest even exists. Trim or split pages at the beginning: multiple circular meandering paths that return to their point of origin still serve to dip us into the pond slowly, rather than tossing us in the lake with no hope of floating.
Overall, this storygame, on the surface, seems to be a dud; it looks nonsensical, and seems to be one non sequitur after another, with no real sense able to be made. But after you clear the game, come back the next day and play through it again. Do so again the next day and the paths may start making sense to you and you'll realize what a complex storygame this really is. Thanks for occupying my weekend with this storygame, and I wish you the best of luck in your future authorial endeavors.
-- MagmaArmor0 on 6/22/2015 9:50:54 PM
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37. Ignacia de Loyola
So, you've gotta be 1) as bonged as I am on a normal day to complete this or 2) get drunk, go to the pub, declare your genius status, go to the castle, palm-strike the fuck out of the text, and then find the hidden meaning.
You'll see it when it says "OFC LET'S GET SOME MORE ALCOHOL EVEN THOUGH IT GOT US HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE".
*ahem*
Now for the real review.
If the author WAS going for the on-acid aspect, 10/10 would read again, because this just describes everything inside a druggie's head.
If the author WAS going for something meaningful that would provide the reader any benefit, he's failed. Miserably. Nothing more than an amalgam of rants, highly-contrasted vocabulary, and irrational, illogical decisions that loop back, the story takes the reader on a befuddling trip that seems to never cease with the variety of choices provide in a continual loop, with exploitations of loops and tricky hyperlinks to misdirect the reader.
For the commonplace reader who desires only to have a meaningful plot in a cohesive mode with the luxury of variations, this is nothing more than a maze that tests the endurance one so dedicated so as to make a simple comment. No thematical, emotional, psychological, logical, or even spiritual merit is derived from this.
There only lies the fact that there are choices at the bottom of the screen. If it be an analogy to the nature of the world we live in, truly, I would laud my praises upon this cesspool, but really, there is nothing to hint at this.
In fact, there are no hints to this puzzle other than the fact that one must never loop back to death.
The scripting is praiseworthy, for while it lacks the quality and actual utility many other storygames boast on about, the quantity does serve to misdirect the readers. Whether this was the author's intention or not does not matter; what does matter was that it was praiseworthy only because it would chase away all but the most masochistic of readers...or those familiar with the structure of navigating through a storygame on this site(that's about a couple of months worth of experience). There is no promotion of variation, other than the fact that even daring to go beyond the known method leads to aimless wandering.
This is a gross exaggeration of the difficulties life possesses as one learns more and more about the intricate complexities of human culture. This is because, again, there is an absence of learning from this piece of trash. There is no defined pattern, nothing that can bring to mind any non-surreal imagery.
Hence, I must reiterate that this storygame works as a piece of trash.
It picks at a respectable name (changing St. Ignatius / Ignacio de Loyola into a feminine Ignacia) into some feminine working of the mind, and continues to pick on conventional, reasonable, respectable foundations of our world by CAPSLOCKING modern-age jargon like genderqueer and such, all under the name of "being high / insane" when in fact, the writer was simply making poor attempts to veil convoluted insults within the rants.
What pains me more is that the whole story seems to hint at making a mockery of Loyola's legacy : the Ignatian Prayer, a self-reflective, rigorous type of prayer that challenges a Christian's mind by delving into his / her own life experiences to synthesize a functional hypothesis / truth, and thus would mature and grow from an analysis of either the Old or New Testament.
The Ignatian Prayer, actually, is a Christianized process of thinking that all humans undertake : the production of wisdom. For is it not true that all humans look back on their past failures and analyze them, to at LEAST question their actions and think of a better behavior (of course, acting upon these regrets is a different story entirely)? If it is thus so, then would not this so-called "story", in effect, extend its mockery to one of the most important factors of the human race's survival : learning?
It is because of this that I have given this story a 1 out of 8, the lowest possible score. For while it may have "seemed" creative to the standard person, it is only an insult poorly hidden behind ranting.
As quoted from Harper Lee : "...delete the adjectives and I'd have the facts..."
The fact is here, that this trash is deletion worthy, in spite of all the effort put into, because 1) it serves only to mock, not yield learning 2) it provides terrible entertainment 3) it's pretty much the opposite of what type of quality we demand, as stated in the front page of the site.
-- Swiftstryker on 6/12/2015 11:05:06 PM
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